His life is a train wreck. He likes to think it will get better, maybe, but that never works out. He tries to not think about it at all, and that doesn't work either, because why would it? Nothing is ever easy.
He had thought that, after Dressrosa, his life would be remarkably better. Maybe he would even be happy. But, as luck would have it, that didn't work out either.
Because he was too weak to kill Doflamingo. Hell, he was too weak to even defeat him. In the end, he had to rely on someone else to do the one thing he'd been craving to do for half of his life.
And even then, he thought maybe he could live with that. Maybe it would be enough. But it isn't. Knowing Doflamingo is still breathing drives him up a wall, and he feels like he's wasted his life, the life Corazon fought so hard to save.
He hides his madness well. He always has, putting up a mask that nobody could ever see through. Acting arrogant, laid back, everything he isn't. A facade, nothing more. Not even his crew know what really goes on in his head, and they are the closest people he has.
Or they were, until he allied with the strawhats.
He looks around at the mess, another party, more noise to sit through. This time all of the strawhats are present, as well as his crew, and everyone is happy. Except for him, of course, but that goes without saying. He hasn't been happy in well over a decade.
The loudness is suffocating, and he knows he needs rest because despite his outward appearance, he's still incredibly weakened from Dressrosa. His mind feels like a jumbled mess, thoughts clashing together and adding to the overall noise level in his brain. His chest feels tight, and he feels claustrophobic from the amount of people, even though they are all allies. He needs space.
He doesn't say a word to anyone, waiting until they seem distracted and slinking away into the darkness. He walks until he can't hear them anymore, but the silence is just as suffocating because now he's left with his thoughts, and that's never good.
He's mentally exhausted, some small voice in the back of his head screaming at him, reminding him of his failures and how disappointed Corazon must be. It's always there, the voice, ever since Flevance's annihilation. He supposes it's normal. Anyone who witnessed their entire life get destroyed would be just as fucked in the head as he is, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing that.
His anxiety is always there, pulling his chest too tight until he can't breathe. Making him shake despite being warm, almost too warm. He feels empty. But he does a damn good job of hiding it.
Until now, anyways, because he's failed at something he wasn't allowed to. He doesn't know what to do with his life, now, either. His entire purpose for living was to avenge Corazon, but now…
Now he knows that's not what Corazon wanted for him, and that he's wasted his life, and that he can never kill Doflamingo because he's just not strong enough. Even worse, he's dragged other people into his problems, his life. One person in particular managed to get too close…
"Hey, what are you doing out here?"
...And of course, that person picks the opportune moment to appear, just as he feels himself breaking. He schools his face into neutrality before turning to face him, focusing on breathing normally and not hyperventilating.
"Just enjoying the silence. I wasn't aware you saw me leave." Law has to wonder if Sanji has been observing him from the shadows, watching him slowly crumble. It's an odd thought, one he doesn't believe, but it still unnerves him.
"Yeah, well I'm glad you did. All that noise was giving me a headache. Are you sure you're okay though? You seem…jittery." Sanji seems unsure if that's the right word for it, but Law's more focused on trying to figure out how Sanji can read him, because this isn't the first time it's happened. They haven't known each other long, and yet Sanji knows him better than anyone, which doesn't make sense because he's only told Sanji the bare minimum about himself. They had a connection from the beginning, and Law figures that's why he allowed this relationship to happen, because nobody ever connects with him. Nobody can.
Sanji is just an anomaly.
"Do I? I suppose I'm just tired. It's been a long couple of days." He lies, although not completely. He never has a problem lying to people, but again, Sanji is the only exception, so he only lies a little.
Sanji snorts and lights up a cigarette. "Yeah, you can say that again. You should get some rest then. I'm thinking the party is almost done, everyone looks fucking exhausted, so you can probably get some sleep."
Law appreciates the concern, though his mind tells him he doesn't deserve someone worrying about him. He really doesn't want to sleep, because his dreams are even worse than his reality. "I will soon." Another lie, although he does plan on at least trying to sleep. He'll most likely end up staring at the stars all night, over thinking everything as usual.
Sanji keeps giving him this look, like he knows every little thing going on in his head, and it's starting to make him panic more. Odd, because usually Sanji has the opposite effect on him. But his nerves are frayed, and his brain is shot to hell. He knows he's slipping, his carefully constructed mask slowly breaking apart, piece by piece. It's happened before, though he's always been alone for it. He hates the mere idea of someone watching him fall apart, so of course he would make sure to be locked away in his room. But not this time.
And Sanji knows what's coming. Somehow, Law can't even imagine how, but he does. And it's driving him crazy.
"You know, Law," Sanji starts, taking a drag from his cigarette and slowly blowing a stream of smoke from his mouth. "I specialize in observational haki. I never really knew it, until recently, but I've always been good at picking up on other people's feelings. Usually it's only if those feelings are particularly strong, but if it's a person I'm close to, I can pick up on them much easier."
Law feels as if his heart has just jumped into his throat, eyes widening slightly before he reigns his shock back in. "Why are you telling me this?" His voice betrays him, sounding uncertain and wavering.
Sanji gives him another look, and Law swears there's disappointment somewhere in it, although he might just be exhausted enough to be seeing things. "Do I really need to say it?" No, there's definitely disappointment laced into Sanji's words, and it's like a stab in the heart to Law because the last thing he wants is to disappoint another person who cares about him.
"Sanji, really, I'm fi-"
"You're not fucking fine, Law, don't even try it. You feel like you're about to fucking explode." Law knows he's made Sanji mad now, by how often he swears. He feels his chest tighten painfully, heart beating so fast he wouldn't be surprised if he had a heart attack. Part of him wants to snap, to tell Sanji everything he's feeling and let the cook comfort him, but instead he gets defensive.
"My personal feelings are none of your concern. I can take care of myself." Sanji looks hurt for the briefest of seconds before anger takes over. Law wishes he could just shut up instead of digging himself into a deeper hole, but his mouth has stopped listening to his brain. It's hardly something he can control after years of doing it, but he knows that's not a decent enough excuse.
"So that's how it is, huh? You know, I never really expected you to trust me, but I thought by now you could at least try to, after everything we've done. Or am I still just a fuck-buddy? Is that why you're pushing me away, just like you push anyone who tries to care about you away too?" Sanji takes steps closer and Law feels himself backing away before he can even stop himself, knowing if Sanji so much as touches him he'll break.
"You forget that our alliance is temporary. Don't overstep your boundaries." He says in a low voice, staring at the ground like the coward he is. He can see Sanji's foot stomp out the cigarette, and watches in silent agony as those feet turn to leave.
"Fine then, have it your way. Keep pushing everyone away, I don't care anymore." Sanji's voice is disturbingly calm, and Law feels his vision swim because it can't possibly be that easy for Sanji to leave him, and yet that's how it sounds. Another person leaving him, and much like Corazon, it's his fault. He wants to think it's for the best. He doesn't deserve Sanji anyways, and really, the cook would have left him anyways because who would want to deal with him?
But he cared. And I've gone and ruined it, just like I ruin everything in my life.
Panic seizes his body, and he reaches out, an apology catching in his throat when he realizes Sanji is gone. The world spins, and he grinds his teeth together, feeling cold and numb and empty, and yet so full of pain he doesn't quite know what to do with himself.
Too late to fix it now. Why did I have to do that? Why couldn't I just open up to someone for once in my life?
He knows the answer. He's too scared to open up to anyone again, because what if they die just like everyone else has? It's easier to be closed off, but somehow...Sanji makes him want to change, and now that's ruined. Where would he ever find someone like Sanji again?
"Come back..." He whispers, hand covering his eyes as his vision continues to spin, making him dizzy and nauseous. His throat feels tight, and it hurts, and he knows his eyes are wet though he doesn't cry. He doesn't believe he's capable of it anymore. But the fact that he's close to it makes him feel worse, because it means he really does care about Sanji, more than he ever thought possible. That wasn't supposed to happen.
I told myself I would never love someone again. So then how did he manage to worm his way into my heart? And why did I let him go?
He feels his legs move but stops himself, because chasing after Sanji wouldn't do any good. He wants to, though, but somehow he still has his pride. His brain feels like it might tear in half, one side begging him to go but the other demanding he stay, telling him all the reasons why Sanji won't even look at him.
But then he hears footsteps, and a sigh, and wonders if he's passed out and dreaming because Sanji can't possibly be walking towards him.
But he is, and Law realizes he must have never left, which should disturb him but oddly it makes him happy. Which can't possibly be right, because he's never happy.
"You're one stubborn asshole, you know that? I should have fucking left you here, but I'm too nice." Sanji stops a few feet in front of him, and he feels the overwhelming urge to close that distance but doesn't, because Sanji still looks pissed.
He opens his mouth and then closes it, because he really doesn't know what to say. An apology might be a good start, but for some reason the words don't come, like he's forgotten how to speak.
"I'll ask this one more time, and I swear to god if you aren't honest with me I really am leaving. Are you okay?"
"No." He answers before he even realizes it, the word catching him off guard. He wants to say more but doesn't even know how to explain how he feels.
"Was that so hard?" Sanji looks marginally less angry with him, and takes a few steps closer. This time Law doesn't back away.
"Yes." His voice is hoarse, throat still hurting. He's given up on keeping up his facade, because Sanji has seen through it all this time anyways, and at this point he doesn't have the energy for it.
"Can you elaborate on anything, or has your vocabulary shrunk to yes and no?" Sanji sighs when Law stays quiet, and for a second Law thinks he's going to leave again, so he quickly spits out the first thing he can think of.
"I don't know how." He admits, sitting heavily on a log and tangling his fingers in his hair. He hears Sanji sit next to him but stays focused on the ground as if it held all the answers he needed.
"It's okay. I kind of get the gist of it anyways." Law is suddenly thankful for Sanji's haki, because it saves him from explaining himself. "Are you still having a panic attack?" Sanji evidently knows that as well, and Law can't help but feel a little embarrassed, because he never let's people know that he goes through that.
"Yes." He sighs, pulling on his hair as some sort of attempt to calm himself. He's sweaty and shaking and can't quite breathe right, and he hates that Sanji is seeing this, but at the same time it feels...almost nice, because he finally has someone to help him get through it. It's not nearly as humiliating as he always thought it would be.
Sanji gently grabs his hands and pulls them away, and in the process pulls Law's body closer, until his head is resting against his chest. Their hands stay clasped together, and Law is surprised that it doesn't feel suffocating.
"It's okay. I've had a few, in the past, but I've never really found a way to get through them easily. Deep breaths help, I guess, but usually having someone to talk to makes it a lot better." He focuses on Sanji's voice and the steady heartbeat beneath his ear, and surprisingly that helps.
"I didn't mean to say those things to you. It was a defense mechanism, nothing more. I never intended to make you angry." He says, and wonders where that came from because the idea of apologizing had been so hard earlier.
"I was just frustrated that you were lying to me. I know we haven't been together long, and I really don't expect you to trust me. You don't seem like the type to trust easily. It's just...I don't say 'I love you' to that many people, you know? But every time I say it to you, I mean it. And when you lied to me, I really thought that maybe you didn't feel the same. That you still thought of me as a warm body." Law clenches his jaw, because he really never wanted to hurt Sanji.
"I don't. You're much more than that." He's quick to say, and he feels Sanji nod against his head.
"I know that, it's just...I have doubts sometimes. Not about your intentions, it's just...I wonder how someone like you could ever give a shit about me." Law raises an eyebrow at that, wondering if Sanji was seriously saying what he thought he was.
"Someone like me? I believe you have that backwards. How can someone like you love me? I'm a mess, and an asshole on top of that. You deserve so much more than me." Sanji growls and forces Law to look at him, and he feels panic seize him again, not wanting to anger the cook again.
"Don't say that. You have every reason to be a mess. I mean, I still don't know everything, but from what you've told me, your life has been harder than most. Shit, being stranded for months with no food sounds like nothing compared to what you went through. I still love you, though, despite all of that. Fuck, Law, you deserve to be happy."
"So do you." Law feels himself smiling, because he realizes they're in the same boat. Neither of them have any self-worth and are shit at relationships.
Sanji kisses him then, pulling away far too quickly and leaving Law wanting more. So he chases Sanji's lips, desperate for more contact.
"So we're good?" Sanji asks between kisses, groaning as Law nods eagerly in agreement and deepens the kiss, tongue swiping against Sanji's lips.
They break away when things start to get too heavy, knowing that dirt isn't the best place for fucking, and it takes Law a minute to realize he feels lighter, like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. The nagging voice in the back of his head isn't screaming at him, and the tightness in his chest is gone.
It still scares him, being so close to someone, but he knows everything will be okay because Sanji is different. Sanji is just like him, just not as negative, which Law knows is good because he needs someone like that to pick him up on the rare occasion he falls. He keeps his mask up, keeps the facade going, but when he's alone with Sanji all of his walls are down. And that's okay.
His life is a train wreck, but he's still alive, and he swears he won't waste anymore of his life.