Ok, so here's my annihilation of the fourth wall and everything respectable about writing. I am stepping into my story to take charge and do things my way. This is probably a terrible idea, but OH WELL! I'M DOIN IT ANYWAY WEEEE!! There's references to the anime Death Note and kid's show Blue's Clues, but you don't really need to see them to understand the story, it just adds a bit more humor. It's written in script form because I said so. Anything that is bold is describing action or expression or something like that. Anything in italics is a character's thoughts. You have to read this expecting to possibly laugh until milk you weren't drinking comes out of your nose or to really hate it and want to murder me, or maybe a little of both. Anyway, enjoy and feel free to flame me! I love it when I dissatisfy strangers.
Episode 1
John Constantine: We've got an exorcism in 10 Chas, you better get this thing running by then!
Chas Kramer: fiddling under the hood of the cab I know John! If you'd give me a hand here maybe this could go a little faster!
John: Do I look like a mechanic?
Chas: Very funny John.
Random Girl: suddenly sitting on top of cab I believe I could be of some service.
Chas: startled AH! Where the fuck did you come from!?
Random Girl: pulls out black notebook and writes something inside with a fuzzy pink pen. Try starting up the cab.
Chas: Ok... reaches in cab window and turns the key.
Cab: Vroom vroom! sounds cool
John: What the hell?
Chas: How did you do that!?
Random Girl: Because I'm the author and I can do anything. smiles superiorly
Chas: Author? Oh god, don't tell me...
John: We're in a fanfiction aren't we?
Author: You bet! And I've got the power! Shakes notebook teasingly
Chas: Let me see that! grabs for notebook
Author: Pulls notebook away Get your own!
John: Grabs notebook and studies front cover. Fanfiction Note? Opens note The character who's name is written in this note shall be fully controlled by the author. The note will not take effect unless the author is a completely devoted fan of said characters. If pairing is not specified the canon pairing will continue until the author states otherwise. After writing the pairing the uke and seme (dominant and submissive) must be decided and written within the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds. What the hell is this shit?
Author: The rules of the Fanfiction Note. And you two are the lucky pairing!
Chas: EWWWWW! John's like, twice my age!!
Author: I know, but you two manage to overlook it because you cannot deny the feeling in your heart. dreamily gazes Now give me back my note.
John: Hell no! I'm burning this thing!
Author: Suit yourself. pulls out second notebook
Chas: Where'd you get that from?
Author: I always carry a backup for such a situation. Writes something in note
John: I'm sorry. Here, have you're note back, and here's five dollars. Hands author note and 5 dollars
Chas: What the fuck John!?
John: Why did I just do that?
Author: Because I told you to. Right here points to page "John Constantine says 'I'm sorry. Here, have you're note back, and here's 5 dollars." and hands me the note and 5 dollars.
John: Give my my money back asshole!
Author: No way! This is going toward my 'buy me an Easy Bake Oven' fund. Pockets money and note. And just to make you feel good... writes "John is happy to have given me money for her fund."
Chas: Oh yeah right, like that will work. Right John?
John: Of course it di- it didnnnnn-
Chas: John?
John: It didnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn- I'M GLAD I COULD ADD TO YOUR FUND!
Chas: weirded out
John: Asshole.
Author: Hee hee, yup! The name's Marissa by the way. It's very nice to meet you gentlemen. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to write you're pairing. Opens Note
Chas: Hell no!
Chas and John: Lunge for note stop in mid air
John: What the fuck?
Marissa the Author: writes "Chas and John freeze before being able to grab note."
Chas: YOU BITCH!!
Marissa: You're not gonna think that for long. writes
John Constantine/Chas Kramer
Uke Chas
Seme John
HA! The deed is done.
Chas and John: still frozen
Marissa: Oh, right. writes "Chas and John unfreeze."
John: Lands gracefully
Chas: falls on sidewalk Owww, fuck...
John: smirks and blushes slightly
Chas: John? Are you, BLUSHING?
John: NO! Why the hell would I do that?!
Marissa: Because Chas looked cute when he fell down didn't he?
John: Fuck no!
Marissa: Yes he did, and you know it. I control everything you say, think and do now.
Chas: That's not true! I don't love John and he doesn't love me and that's the way it is! Right John?
John: Damn right.
Marissa: Suit yourself. Well, now that that's out of the way what say we grab something to eat? There's an IHOP around the corner!
Chas: What makes you think we'd want to hang out with you? You busted into our lives and tried to turn us gay!
Marissa: Because I could make you have sex with each other loudly in the middle of the street if you don't.
Chas: enthusiastic Who wants pancakes?
Chas: Why do you even want us paired up anyway? Hundreds of fanfictions are written about us all the time and I don't understand it.
Marissa: with a mouth full of french toast You two are hot, plain and simple. John's the brooding older man with a troubled past and you're the chipper and loyal young apprentice who is the only one that can bring happiness to John's life in a taboo love affair that so few can understand.
John: So few? There are girls all over the Internet reading this and screaming their heads off right now.
Chas: This is bullshit! flips through note Why did you make me the submissive one?
Marissa: raises and eyebrow Seriously? Look at John and look at you. Who's clearly the leader here.
John: Smirks She's got a point kid.
Marissa: Think about it. Doesn't begging John for mercy in bed sound great?
Chas: Oh God yes... No! Hell no! I'm telling you, that note DID NOT work.
Marissa: Yeah, ok. sarcasm
Chas: Eats pancakes
John: God, look at how his lips wrap around the fork like that. They would feel so good wrapped around my- WAIT!! The kid's fucking 17 John. Fucking 17! Fucking 17. Fucking... Chas. DAMNIT!!
Chas: Is he staring at me? No, he can't be, the note didn't work. Is he? Yeah, he's totally staring at me. Should I say something. He looks so hot looking at me like that. Wait what? No! I mean. Uh... Hey John, why are you staring at me man?
John: Taken off guard What? I wasn't staring at you. Eat your damn pancakes.
All 3: Walking up steps to John's apartment.
Chas: walking behind John Damn, look at John's ass. NO! Stop thinking that! Uh, uh, keep talking! So Marissa, how did you get here anyway?
Marissa: Have you ever seen the show Blue's Clues?
Chas: Um, yeah. Why?
Marissa: You know that Blue skidoo thing they did so they could jump into paintings and things?
Chas: You're kidding me. You can do that?
Marissa: Yup. Right into the computer screen. sings Blue skidoo, we can too!
Chas: Do you actually have to sing the song too?
Marissa: Yeah, otherwise you just hit your head on the screen.
Chas: Christ, you're kidding me.
John: Makes about as much sense as anything else in this story.
All 3: Go in apartment
Chas: Well, I suppose it's time you leave then Marissa.
Marissa: Oh no, I'm staying here.
John: Like hell you're staying here.
Marissa: I was thinking more along the lines of "like roommate I'm saying here."
Chas: John doesn't even let ME stay here, let alone you. Where would you sleep anyway.
Marissa: writes in note "John's apartment has new room with all of Marissa's things in it."
Chas: Holy fuck look!! It is a new room!! points at new room
John: That still doesn't mean you can stay here.
Marissa: Writes "John is happy to have Marissa stay."
John: I'M HAPPY TO HAVE YOU STAY MARISSA! DAMNIT!!
Marissa: And for good measure writes "Chas moves in with John."
Boxes of Chas' stuff: Suddenly appears in room
Chas: Do I get my own room too?
Marissa: Nope, you're rooming with John.
Chas: Oh come on! Can't we at least have separate beds or something?
Marissa: Writes "Chas and John suddenly start having hot butt sex."
John: Pins Chas to the floor and kisses him
Chas: Moans and kisses him back
Marissa: You'll thank me for this later.