Something Worth Fighting For: Revised Edition
How long has it been? Ten years? No, maybe more than that? Frankly, I'm not even sure about what time it is right now.
I'm not even sure if this is the real me, or if I'm even alive.
I've had it rough these past few years. After participating in Project Alicization, I found myself questioning my very own existence up until now. What's the purpose of my life? What's the purpose of the living? Why do I live while others perished?
Why do I exists?
This is a big universe, after all. If I'm gone, or anything else gone, it wouldn't have mattered much to anybody. Life is just a game of reality. Even if I die, I could just restart...bang...new body...new beginning...new life.
Just like a video game.
All of these thoughts sprang into the mind of my eighteen years old self...
What can I say? I'm just a normal teenage boy back then. Who could have possibly thought that playing a VRMMORPG game after school will result in you trapped inside that very game for two years? Back then, I thought those virtual realities are just places where I could have some fun after a tiring day, where I could do things I couldn't in the real world, where I could be myself.
But now, I have lost even myself.
Sword Art Online has given me as much as it has taken from me, but even it didn't went as far as stealing all of me. Even when Kayaba Akihiko declared that the very death inside this world means we're gone for good in real life, I found myself didn't care this warning at all. In fact, I became more and more reckless as I progressed through the game. It's as if I don't even care if I live or die, I just wanted to do the things my way.
But this...this is all different from that...
Back then, I still have my reasons to fight. I fight not for myself, but for everyone I cared. I fight for Klein, who is just a hopeless newbie when I first met him, but eventually becoming the leader of a guild that has never lost a single member during their stay in SAO. I fight for Agil, who always cared for other people's well being and always supported me in whatever ways he could. I fight for Silica and Lisbeth, both of whom shared affections toward me for helping them solving their problems. I fight for those who have fallen, Diabel, the Moonlit Black Cats Guild, Sachi, to make their sacrifices not in vain. I fight for those who cannot, those friendly civilians I've met who gave up on fighting because they didn't stand any chances, I fight for Yui, my daughter, even if she's just an AI. She has suffered a lot, and was broken by the time I found her, I took care of her, fell in love with her, swear to bring her back when Cardinal tried to delete her. I fight to see my sister again, even though I tried to distance myself apart when I learned I'm not her real brother.
And finally, I fight for her...for Asuna. My lovely angel Asuna.
After I failed to protect Sachi, I was traumatized so much that I don't even think of joining any guild again, her farewell Christmas Eve message didn't help things except making me felt worse. I was afraid, afraid of failing. I remember Keita, the leader of the guild, showed a horrified face after I told him about what happened to his friends, and the enraged look he gave me after I told him that I was the reason for their deaths.
I remember him jumping off the balcony of the floor to join his friends.
But Asuna...she helped me, even though I could get her in danger, even though I might not be able to protect her, even though I could become the reason for her death (which I did), she always stayed by my side, always there for me at my darkest time, always giving me the strength I needed to win this game to get out of this alive, and to finally met her in the real world...
Then I remember Kayaba, the one who started all these things, the one who has taken everything from me in the first place. But at least he was nice enough to give them all back, after I proved to him about the flaws in his perfect world, about the flaws in his ideas of virtual realities.
Everything is not perfect, but perfect isn't everything.
It is only this very moment I begin to know his pain.
He wasn't trying to be a god in his world he created, he was just trying to find the meaning of life. I was just beginning to understand when I accepted the position of the game administrator of SAO. Those excuses about wanting to see his dream castle to justify all the crimes he did...it's not true. He just wanted to escape the limits that is real life, trying to achieve a perfect world of his, even though he knew that it didn't and will never exist no matter what he does.
He was already lost before the game even began.
Those killings he did, those game over player lives that has been lost, it meant nothing to him. Life is pointless unless we find out the purpose of our lives, and when we lose that, then maybe we don't deserve to live...
He has lost his purpose after I beat him in combat, I, who have found my purpose in Asuna, in Yui, in my friends. I used all these purposes of my life to defeat him.
A week later, I've managed to did it again in Alfheim Online. The asshole Nobuyuki Sugou who've stolen Asuna, my greatest purpose of my life, and abused her, scarred her, hurt her. It hurt me, hurt me so much that I almost lost the will to live, but then he helped me. Kayaba, who've found his new purpose of life in me, gave me the strength to fight on, to reclaim what I have lost, my purpose of life.
After that, I thought everything was over. I thought the nightmares was over. I thought I could've lived with Asuna, with Yui, with everyone, in the new life we created together.
But it was not over. Not for me, that is.
After Alfheim, I was asked to investigate the mysterious deaths inside a new online game called Gun Gale Online, where I met members of a dangerous guild who killed people for fun. They were the ones who have a grudge on me for killing their members in SAO. This eventually came back to bite me after one of their members, Johnny Black, successfully injured me in the real world, forcing me to go on yet another virtual world, the Underworld.
It was here where my mind was twisted far beyond repair...
Underworld was, at first, the most realistic online game ever created at that time, if only anyone knew it was a front for the top secret government project called Project Alicization, a project that aimed to create a super AI to be used in warfare instead of humans, effectively changing wars into video games.
While I was recovering from the injuries I suffered in the real world, I was sent into this world, for purposes unknown. I've met quite a few people, but I'm not really sure they're people or not. Maybe they're just very realistic AIs, or maybe they're really people with emotions and feelings. Either way, they acted so real.
So real that I'm not even sure I live in the real world or an artificial one.
The point is, at that moment, my mind slowly begin to break.
With strangers all around me, in an unfamiliar world. I tried to return to Asuna, to the life I know, but then a question began to form in my mind.
Is this really me?
Am I sure that it's not somebody else I'm currently experiencing as?
Or maybe, I wasn't real at all in this world?
Maybe I'm dead in the real world? I didn't know what happened to my body in the real world. They said that the time inside Underworld passed differently from real world. Maybe I've lived in this world for centuries but only a single month have passed in real life? I don't even care anymore.
All sorts of things happened in that world, far beyond what a mind of an eighteen years old could comprehend.
To sum it all up, I slowly went insane in that world. I didn't even feel happy or glad to see Asuna again after I finally got back. Asuna told me that I've been in coma for only a month, yet I feel like I had just spent my entire life inside that freaking world.
I wasn't even glad to be alive, nor glad that I'm still myself.
Because...
It doesn't feel like my life is mine to begin with anymore.
For years, my life in the real world is nothing but another misery. I've been working, working so hard to reclaim what time I have lost. I married Asuna, brought Yui to the real world, go hang out with my friends, find a good paying job, some activities that a normal man like me should've been doing.
In the end, it didn't matter at all. Everything I did was just to kill time.
Whether my life is real or fake, it meant nothing at all.
It will all be definitely ended someday...
Everything I did, from winning the SAO, saving Asuna from ALO, get rid of Death Gun in GGO, escaping from Underworld, whatever. They're all just meaningless to me.
It could be somebody else that beats SAO, it could be Diabel, had I told him about the changes in the first floor boss, or maybe Klein, seeing that his skills have become far better than I had ever imagine. It could be Sachi that I had fallen in love with, not Asuna, had I managed to save her from that death trap. It could be Lyfa, my sister, that managed to exploit the treachery of Nobuyuki Sugou and Alfheim Online. Maybe somebody will defeat Death Gun in GGO, and solved the mysteries of the Underworld.
It could be anyone but me that accomplishes all of these.
I'm just a nobody.
And so I lived, day by day without a purpose. My stoic personality distances me from my friends, and eventually my family. Me and Asuna has got into a fight numerous times already, in which the last time we argued she accused me of leaving her and Yui behind, that I've been neglecting them. I then raged at her for being naive, how could she understand what I feel? What I've been through? What I am?!
The next thing I know, I ran out of our home. With nowhere to go, I walked aimlessly all night, trying to figure out how to fix the mess I've made. Eventually, I gave up, and just returned to home in the morning. Asuna didn't say a word at me that day, and I noticed that Yui acted strangely when she's near me.
It's as if she feared me.
That very moment I decided to run away from it, run away from everything.
I went to the my office, where I worked as the Sword Art Online Game Administrator.
"Damn it, damn it, damn it!" I locked myself in there, put a vintage NerveGear on my head, and decided to bash out everything in Aincrad.
For four days, I remained in there, doing what I do best; beating all 100 floors. I've been getting better and better at it nowadays. It took me just two weeks to clear every floor on my last try, now I'm going to beat that record.
Why I did this? Maybe it's because I don't have anything better to do, or is unable to do them...
I was defeating the boss on the 54th floor when somebody called out to me.
"Kirito-kun, what are you doing here?" That voice sounded so familiar.
"It's none of your business! Get out of here! I don't wanna see anyone!" I shouted back, I was just so frustrated that I don't want to see anyone anymore.
"Even the mass murderer who's been trying to kill thousands of people?" That voice replied back, stunned me for a few seconds.
I turned back, and saw none other than Kayaba Akihiko.
Or should I say Heathcliff? As he's wearing a red armor with a different face than his real life body.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
Heathcliff smiled "Just checking out how my world has been doing lately, and that is the question I've asked you, young Kirito. So what are you doing here?"
"I'm...I'm not sure about it myself..." I can't find an answer.
Heathcliff stood silently for a moment.
"So, judged by your attitudes and your fight against the boss earlier, I'm willing to bet that you've been into some...unfortunate situations lately, am I right?" He asked me.
"Kind of, yeah" I admitted.
"Is it has anything to do with virtual worlds?"
I sat down, looking at him. I haven't actually forgive him for the crimes he did, but I can't say I really hated him, either. We both grew tired of the world, our meaningless existences, and tried to create a purpose for our lives, so I kind of understand his desperation.
I then told him everything, about my experiences in many other virtual worlds and what it had done to my mind and my life. Heathcliff/Kayaba is a good listener, he made no interruptions at all when I explained my troubled past to him.
After I finished my story, Heathcliff then stood up before walking away a little further. I found that I wasn't in the boss room anymore, I was back at the Town of Beginnings, the very town that started everything in my life, and also where I first met Kayaba.
"So, you've lost your reasons to live." Heathcliff said, his face turned away from me.
I stood there quietly, because I don't know what to say.
"Did you know, why I created this world?" He asked me.
"I thought you told me already; you wanted to see that floating castle of yours."
"But didn't you wonder why I gave them all up so easily when you've beaten me? I mean, I'm a GM, right? Even if you defeated me, I could just altered the game codes to registered that I won, not you. Now, don't you wonder why I didn't do that?" Heathcliff asked me again.
"Why?" His question actually makes sense. This was his world, once. He could do anything with it, so why didn't he stop me from clearing the game?
"It's because I already got everything I wanted in my life."
"Wha?" What the heck, what kind of answer was that?
"Don't you remember? It was here, in this very place, I told you that I already achieved my goal in Sword Art Online. I already did everything I wanted to do, live my life the way I wanted it to be, the way I couldn't in real life." He explained.
"For all my life, I just studied. I tried to be the best. I tried to achieve what no one else could; I was going to create a new world. A perfect world where life and death is balanced, and everyone can live the way they wanted to. That was my goal, that was my purpose in life."
"But after I had accomplished it, I just couldn't find anything more to do. My life became pointless, my life became meaningless, my body is merely a proof that I existed, and now even that was gone, too." Heathcliff turned back to me, I could see his eyes, they were filled with sorrow.
"That was the reason I joined the game, too. I was trying to find somebody who could put me out of my misery. Somebody who could defy the perfect world that I created. Somebody I could entrust my future to..."
"That somebody, was you, Kirito-kun." He walked towards me, and put a hand on my shoulder.
"You showed me that life isn't perfect, and will never be perfected. What I was doing was completely pointless. I guess you're right in a way. However, perfection isn't my goal; I was only looking for a purpose; a purpose to continue to live on."
"Unfortunately, I couldn't find that purpose before the game was over, but I see the potential in you. You, whom I has taken everything from, continue to fight on. You who had nothing left. You fight as if it's the only thing you can do. You fight as if you're still have something worth fighting for."
"You had that purpose I was looking for, you defy my systems with your very willpower to save those you cared. For me, you were the one I could entrust my legacy to."
"And yet you're here, trying to find your purpose of life once again. You claimed you have lost everything, even your identity, and you just don't know why you should continue to fight on, when it's all meaningless, am I right?"
I agreed silently.
"Then why didn't you give up when you fought with me, hmm? When I impaled my blade into your body, you were finished, yet you resisted, you resisted even though there's nothing left for you to fight for. I killed your girlfriend Asuna, I deleted your AI daughter Yui, I killed Diabel, Sachi and her friends, and numerous other people you've cared for. Those other players will have stood no chance against me either way..."
"Yet you resisted...you resisted even though it's all meaningless...you defeated me not knowing whether it was all worth it. You don't even know for real what you did will clear the game or not, yet you resisted." He continued on.
"So why this time, you couldn't use that same strength you used with me and overcome this problem?" He asked me again,
"It's...it's because...I don't know what to do anymore."
"That's a coward's words, and you are not a coward. Tell me your real reason, Kirito-kun. Why did you lost your purpose of life?"
"I...I just...I just thought that I can't be anything at all. Maybe in reality, I'm just a coward. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I'm not even me. I don't know why I exists. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me!" That's it, I let them all out, I cried as hard as I could in front of my former enemy.
Heathcliff just stood there, waiting for me to sober up, then continue.
"You, me, him, her, them, us...what's the difference?" He asked a question I don't understand.
"Nothing, nothing at all. You could be any of these, or none of these, yet it would make no difference at all. It could be somebody else that has beaten me, maybe you could've been one of the four thousands that died in my game, but what's the point of it? The point is that you is still you, and none could've changed that. You might not know why do you exist, but isn't your very existence defines what it means to exists? You're alive and live your life. Even if you're not you, you're still yourself. Don't let these little problems bother your happiness in life. Something you can do, something you cannot. But don't give up your purpose of life, Kirito. Even if it's not something you wanted, not something you liked, it's still better than having no purpose at all."
"You know, a life without a purpose is like a flower vase. An empty vase, filled with dust, waiting to be broken by its own owner. With one flower added to it, the once empty vase has a meaning. With more flowers added to it, that very same vase will make those that see it filled with joy. You see now, Kirito-kun? Life is not about trying to figure out who we are, or why we're here, but it's about trying to making our time here as best as possible."
Heathcliff began to walk away.
"You now have two choices, you could either run away from it all, from everything you have known, then start your life anew, but be warned, you cannot escape from your old life completely. Or, you could return to her, to the world you have known, even though it might not be the world you wanted, or the world you belonged to, but at least you will get your purpose of your life back."
He turned his face toward me one last time.
"Don't worry, Kirito-kun. Always remember that we always have our freedom in choosing our paths. What really matters is what we'll get from the path we choose. Now, farewell, Kirito-kun, I'm looking forward to seeing you again."
And then he disappeared, leaving me standing alone in the town center of the Town of Beginnings.
One hour later, I found myself back at my home.
After the conversation with Kayaba/Heathcliff, I considered that he's right. I cannot let those nonsense ideas about my meaning of existence compromise who I am. It's my life, or maybe it's not, but it's all I have, and I have to protect it.
All these years I've let my personal feelings got the best of me. I've let my grieves torn me apart when I should be taking care of my family. I didn't even realized that, with my weird behavior, I've hurt them. Oh god, how worry Asuna must've been all these years, and how young Yui don't even like to talk to me anymore. I've let them down. My actions have torn my family apart.
But tonight, I'm gonna fix all of that.
I'm gonna make love to Asuna, tell her how much I loved her, and apologize to her for letting her down. I'm gonna take Yui on a trip tomorrow, maybe to Aincrad, for a much-needed break from my stressful job. I'd already asked for my boss's permission, and he granted, telling me that I'm too focused on the job and that I should 'get laid' once in a while.
It's time to reclaim the happiness of my life.
It's about time I remembered something worth fighting for.
Editor's Note: Well, there goes my revised version of 'Something Worth Fighting For' It's not the best, I actually made this story much too long than I first intended it to be. Ah, I guess nobody's perfect. It's just my 3rd story so far so there are bound to be some flaws. Please review and give me your opinions and how I could improve my story. Thank you for reading!