A/N: I decided that we all need something to laugh about so I am going to try and do a ripped from the Internet story. Something that tickles my funny bone, then make it into a story that makes all of you laugh. Today you can thank the ladies on the Spoiler Thread at RTN. Someone posted a blog, I had an aha moment and then I sat down and wrote.
Listen to the Bananas
Epiphany Johnson sighed as she watched Elizabeth Webber being polite to her best friend but she clearly wanted to stay home that evening. When Emily had finally talked her into going out, into letting Georgie Jones babysit the boys, the older woman breathed a sigh of relief.
"That girl needs to take a deep breath and just blow up at whoever is eating at her." said the short gray-haired man as he watched from the sidelines. Walking up to the large woman, he said: "So, buy any banana's today?"
Looking at the man in front of her, Epiphany looked around, then said: "No, why do you ask?"
"I saw you, I was watching, then I helped myself to a copy of the National Inquisitor. I do have to ask, do you think they believe if they call it that, people will believe they are actually reporters?" mused the man as he watched everyone around him.
"Is there something I can help you with?" she asked a bit short with him.
"No, but there is something I can help you with. I am bored and I don't do boredom well. Just ask my attorney, no, you can't ask Trevor. He was rather boring and I think he died of ennui."
Epiphany had been pretending not to know who the man was, but at those words, felt the need to run but something, something about the way he was smirking had her attention. "Why would you want to help me?"
"Because no one, would ever suspect us of working together." he said cackling with glee even as he told her if she wanted to work together, "Just buy yourself some bananas, then come and visit."
At the end of a long double shift, Epiphany got into her Buick LeSabre and drove to the grocery store. After picking up the veggies to make yet another salad, she was walking past the bananas when the muzak over the system began to play
Day-o,day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Work all night on a drink of rum
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Stack banana till de morning come
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Beautiful bunch of ripe banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Hide the deadly black tarantula
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day...ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
"Well, Nurse Johnson, who knew?" asked the tall man with the mustache as he came upon the woman dancing her way through the store.
Flushing, Epiphany turned and said, "Mr. Trouissant, how nice to see you."
"Really?" he asked then looked down at her hand. "Then why are you holding a banana on me?"
Her head went down to see her holding onto a ripe yellow banana like it was one of Jason Morgan's weapons. Flushing, she looked up and said "Uh, sorry. Excuse me, I didn't get enough bananas."
Scurrying as fast as her oversized body would allow her, Piph grabbed two more bunches, went to the check out counter then hurried home. There, she locked the doors, closed the curtains and stared at the banana like she had stolen them instead of paying 64 cents a pound for them.
"Well, well. See, I knew you were the right person, the moment I saw you."
Whirling Epiphany said, "How did you get in here?"
"Please, you are a remarkably intelligent person, you know who and what I am," he said. "Of course I can pick a lock. Now, I know about your son, relax, I just want to have some fun. So, who are we sending the messages to? I don't even have to know why." he said cackling.
Epiphany couldn't believe she sat down and thought about it before responding. "I am not sure."
"Yes you are, or you wouldn't have bought the bananas. I say you start with that snippy Prince in the harbor. You are the head nurse at the hospital and that prick didn't invite you to his lovely little party next week."
"No, not Cassadine, besides, the last place I want to be is a place crawling with members of the Spencer family," she said frostily.
"Um, the Spencers. Luke and his brood, yeah they are dumb enough to believe words written on a piece of fruit." he pondered. "So, who is our first victim."
Epiphany found herself giving him a conspiratorial smile then saying, Detective Lucky Spencer, himself.
"Oh, detective dipshit," he said as if savoring the name. "What do you want to write?"
With a smile that grew, she gave him an answer and the crazy mobster began to laugh as he picked up the marker. "Wait."
Epiphany went to her kitchen, pulled out her laundry pen and said: "Use this, it fades quickly."
Anthony wrote the message, then left with his bodyguard who had no idea how to report this one to his son. At home, Anthony grabbed the man by the scruff of his neck. "You can tell him about the woman, anything about the banana and you will find one shoved someplace very uncomfortable, do you understand me?"
Swallowing, the guard rushed off to see the son, who wasn't much saner than his father sometimes. "Uh, he has a new friend, a woman."
"Is she at least willing, over the age of consent and sane?" he asked wearily.
"Yes sir, she seemed willing and most definitely old enough, but I don't know about the sane part. I didn't get that close," he said nervously. "I am to drive him to town tomorrow as well."
Johnny looked at the guard, who was sweating and couldn't decide if he was lying to him or afraid of him. Either way, he would let it go for now, right now, he had more important things to worry about, like who was the annoying blond who kept showing up whenever he was in Port Charles.
Lucky Spencer woke up, looked at his mistress, then smirked at the knowledge his wife was hurt. He didn't give a damn, Elizabeth hadn't been giving it up long before she got pregnant, now she had tainted their love by letting that bastard Jason Morgan touch her.
Feeling his hard-on, he rolled Sam onto her back and soon they were getting busy, so busy that he was going to be late for work. At first okay with that, he pouted when he realized that without Elizabeth around, he was going to have to forego breakfast.
Cursing, he reached for the fruit bowl, annoyed to find that all that was there was a banana. Unhappy, he reached for his keys, got in his car and started down Charles Street for work.
At a stop sign behind a school bus, he was annoyed to see a group of little kids crossing the street and reached for the banana wishing it was something better. Breaking the stem, he began to peel it when he saw it had something written on it.
Looking down, he blinked, then read it again, before blinking some more. Lifting the banana stunned, he said out loud. "Run, they know."
"They? Know? Know what?" he asked himself. Then looking up when he heard the sound of a beeping horn, he stepped on the gas when he saw the bus was no longer there.
Lifting the banana so that it was in front of his eyes, he saw that there were no words there. "What the hell?"
Deciding it was just his overworked brain, he put the banana back on the seat, now too freaked to even eat it. Arriving at the station, he reached into the glove box where he kept an extra bottle of mouthwash and took a swig.
Looking down, he saw the words again. "Run, they know."
Carefully returning the mouthwash to the glove box, he went to pick up the banana, never taking his eyes off the yellow fruit. Opening the door, he eased himself out and never took his eyes off it.
"Spencer, what the hell are you doing?" he heard the annoying call. Looking up in response, he saw Cruz and then hurried to look down. "Hey, I am talking to you."
"It is gone," he said stunned. "What does this say to you?"
Looking between the fruit and his partner, Cruz replied. "That you need another stint in rehab since fruit usually doesn't talk."
"No, do you see words, written on this banana," he asked handing the stem to Cruz.
Shaking his head, Cruz walked away, Mac had already made it clear that if he got caught protecting Spencer again, he was going to be busted down to patrolman so just telling Lucky to admit he has a problem and left.
Lucky stared at the banana, then went inside the station and was annoyed to be assigned a new partner. Even more so when he found out that Cruz was keeping the murder beat and he was being reassigned to burglary.
Seeing Cadet Barrett, he said, "Don't take your eyes off that banana, its evidence."
The younger man looked at the cop, then asked. "Shouldn't it be in an evidence bag then, to avoid contaminating it."
"Yes, good idea." said Lucky as he reached inside his drawer and pulled out a bag. Writing on it, he taped the bag up and handed it to him before rushing to see Mac. "You are not going to believe it, but Morgan is threatening me."
"What proof do you have, Lucky?" asked Mac tired of the other cops constant drama. "What did Jason say to you?"
"He didn't say anything, he is threatening me using a secondary method. He wrote it on a banana." blustered Lucky. "I am sending it down to trace to see what I can find now. Plus we need a writing sample to compare it to."
"What did the banana say, Lucky?" asked Mac as his lips twitched.
"To run, that he knows," said Lucky while upstairs, Maxie who had come to see Cooper and who was hungry picked up the banana and ate it. Tossing the peal, she saw the cleaning woman and tried to suck up, needing to know where her boyfriend was.
"Here, let me dump this for you," she said smiling at the woman. Cooper came back from where he had been ordered to leave the fruit by the desk sergeant and looked around.
"Maxie, did you see a banana in a bag?" he asked confused.
"Yes, I am sorry, was that your lunch?" she asked while Lucky hurried out of Mac's office, and came up to Cooper followed by Mac who would have looked more enthused if he was getting his teeth drilled, "Where is my banana?"
"Oh, sorry I ate it," said Maxie with a smile.
"YOU WHAT?" asked Lucky now in a rage. "What, are you in on it?"
"On what?" she asked as she looked at her father for a responsible explanation.
"Lucky believes that his banana was a threat from Jason Morgan," he said trying to keep a straight face. "He said there were words on it."
"Oh, well the rind is in the trash over there," said Maxie pointing to the cart now leaving. Lucky rushed over, grabbed the cart away and dumped the trash on the ground.
Finding the open peal, he lifted it and said. "Here, my evidence."
Mac walked over then looked at the banana. "Lucky there are no words, on here."
"Wait, just you wait, they appear and they disappear," he said putting the rind on his desk and sitting down behind it in his chair. Mac nodded at Cooper and Maxie who left, while Scott Baldwin came into the station. "What is Spencer doing?"
"Waiting for his banana to speak to him," said Mac. They went into his office and Mac told him there was nothing he could do about Logan. "Sorry, but your son made the choice to go work for Corinthos. He is of age, Baldwin."
Fuming, Scott and he walked out to see Lucky still watching the banana. "How long are you going to allow that to go on?"
"I don't know, at least if he is there, he isn't out creating lawsuits," said Mac who a half hour later, ordered Lucky to take the damn thing to trace.
The trace investigator found nothing. Calling his boss, he said "Its clean."
Mac was then asked to please remove the detective from his lab. When Mac arrived, he told Lucky to get back to real police work. "Mac, I am telling you, Jason Morgan is sending me threatening messages on a banana."
The man could only hope that when the time came to admit Lucky Spencer to Shadybrook he was no longer a detective on the Port Charles Police Department as he went to call Lainey Winters and Internal Affairs as Lucky Spencer sat at his desk, staring into space muttering about the banana talking to him.
The End, sort of.
TBC