Title: Itsuka: Someday
Words: 1196
Warnings: Angst.
Notes: So I haven't had much time to work on much of anything lately (and believe me, I have a basketful of AUs and projects) due to school and work. Given a brief respite, instead of working on something I've already started, I had the inspiration to write something angsty. Thus, this appeared. Enjoy? I'm not completely satisfied with this tbh, I might rewrite this at a later date. It somehow feels a little...stiff, to me? But it might just be me being my worst critic again.
• • • • • • • •
Mikaela has only drunk from Yuu four times before – not including the first time. The main reason, apart from his steadily growing thirst, is Yuu's persistence in pestering him. Mika always feels guilty – like now, he feels guilty as he pulls away from his dearest family's neck, blood dripping down his chin. Feeling discomforted, he rips a hand towel out of their pack and dabs absently at the wound he's made on Yuu's neck, before wiping at his own mouth. The worst part is that he doesn't feel entirely guilty for drinking his blood – certainly, that is a part of it, but the most guilt he feels is for enjoying it.
For even being comforted by the act.
There's a lulling calm that washes over him as he sucks the life force out of Yuuichirou's veins, holds him close, feels his fingers in his hair, smells his scent. There's pleasure, too – an undeniable, confusing sort of pleasure that always causes heat to rush to his cheeks once the act is over.
The guilt he feels is because he knows how Yuu must feel. Because Mikaela still remembers getting bitten himself. And he feels absolutely disgusted that he's making Yuu feel the same way.
"Hey, Mika?"
The black-haired teenager's voice startles the vampire out of his reverie. "Yes, Yuu-chan?"
"Did it feel like this for you, too? You know – when you got…bitten."
The ice immediately freezes in Mikaela's veins as he processes the question, a sharp inhale following the query. For a few moments, he doesn't quite know how to reply. The only thing he can think is that he's right, Yuu does feel it, he feels used and filthy and it's all Mika's fault.
"Yeah…yeah, I did." He swallows the nausea that rises up his throat. "It feels awful, doesn't it. I'm – I'm so sorry, Yuu-chan." For the first time since pulling away, he looks toward Yuu. Except he can't look directly at him, he's far too ashamed. He reaches out a hand, as if he's about to offer some semblance of comfort, but then realizes that his touch is the last thing Yuu wants right now. He lets his arm fall to his side and turns away, self-loathing burning through him. "I'm sorry." He feels depraved, sick, he's just like Ferid, he can still remember how humiliated he felt each time the older vampire's fangs left his skin, and he's doing the same thing to Yuu. He's doing the very thing he promised he wouldn't let anyone do. "I won't do it again." He chokes out the words before he can stop himself, and inwardly, he curses. There's some sick part of him that's afraid of agreement, scared of rejection, and he hates the part of him that knows Yuu won't simply acquiesce. Because Yuu is too kind. But he thinks he hates the part looking for validation most of all.
Truly grotesque. He's a monster, no matter what Yuu says. He can't be anything short of one, when he's deliberately seeking Yuu's approval.
"Oi, Mika." Yuuichirou's fingers fasten around his shoulder, just as he knew they would, and he turns the vampire around, much to his chagrin. Mikaela swings his head away to avoid the other's gaze, but the ebony-haired boy only pulls him even closer, his other hand coming up to grip Mika's chin lightly so as to look into his eyes. It's just enough intimacy and too much all at the same time, and the vampire has to resist the urge to shut his eyes. Yuu is too perceptive, too keen when it comes to Mikaela, and he really does not want this to turn into some sort of silly argument. Oh, but he instigated this in the first place, didn't he? He wanted this, and he feels absolutely sick to his stomach that he knew this would happen.
The Japanese ex-soldier is warm and lively, his breaths tickle Mika's face – a little harsher now that he's annoyed. "Didn't I tell you we're family?" The slightly shorter teenager frowns, peering into Mikaela's wine red eyes. "You can take my blood whenever you like, as much as you like. Besides…" The hand on Mika's jaw, unconsciously caressing the skin, falls away and tugs at Yuu's own collar mindlessly, his gaze leaving the blond's for a brief moment, before snapping back, a tinge of crimson seeping into his cheeks. "I didn't mean that it felt bad. Did…did it feel bad, for you?" His voice, formerly firm and decisive, slowly loses its steam. Mika doesn't want to see the realization that it must have felt terrible to Mikaela in Yuuichirou's eyes, but he does, even though he wants to look away. "Well, it's nothing like that for me, so don't worry about it. I promise. I'll – I'll even pinky promise if you want me to." He breaks off into a huff. "Though that's childish as hell."
"Hah…" Mika manages a short laugh that he prays doesn't sound as bitter to Yuu's ears as it does to his own. He continues speaking before Yuu can break into an offended rant, his dark eyebrows already knitting in annoyance. "It's okay. I believe you, Yuu-chan." He knows precisely how to curb the other's ire, exactly how to soothe him, and it repulses him. A soft, appeasing smile stretches his mouth, until he feels his fangs graze his lips, and the affection blooming in his chest nearly freezes, the moment ruined. He doesn't truly believe Yuu, of course – this is all like he'd thought it would be, and he looks away again and shuts his eyes to stifle the burning at the back of his eyelids. "It's fine. I won't bring it up – "
"Mika." The frustration in Yuu's voice nearly makes the vampire jump – he hadn't been expecting that. "Stop lying…please? You don't need to hide anything from me." His hold on Mikaela's shoulder tightens slightly, before releasing, and before Mika knows what to do with himself, he's pulled the blond into a hug, his arms snug about his back. There's a few moments before the vampire can react – he is always caught off-guard by Yuu, isn't he? – and then he finds himself returning the gesture, grateful despite his confusion.
"I'm not lying – "
"You are. And I'm going to prove you wrong. It doesn't bother me, Mika. I don't want it to bother you, either. And – I'll kill that bastard for making you feel this way."
Ordinarily, Mikaela would be concerned that he can literally feel Yuu trembling with emotion – now, however, his thoughts are bogged down with how much Yuu has changed in these past months. These past years. Or has he changed at all? Was Yuu always this intuitive? He's not sure how to feel – he doesn't feel better. He doesn't think he'll feel better for a long, long time, and he's not sure he'll ever be able to be as casual about this as Yuuichirou is. But he's thankful, so thankful that he feels like his heart might burst, and he hopes that maybe one day, Yuu's words will be more than just a temporary bandage on the dark thoughts churning through his mind.