Authors Note: It's now 47 days until the 7th Annual Matt Hardy Big Ass Christmas Bash. DUM-DUM-DUMMMMMMM.
Disclaimer: Might as well own 'em all.
Shane Helms grumbled to himself as he pulled up to Matt's house, cutting the engine of his car. He felt like he had just LEFT the damn place .. probably because he had, six hours earlier. He'd been sleeping off a Halloween hangover quite nicely when he got an emergency phone call demanding his presence on Boys Camp Road, or else.
Shannon had literally said "Or else", followed by a chorus of "DUM-DUM-DUUUUUMMMM"s in the background.
"Dum dum is right .. someone had better be dead or bleeding profusely," Shane muttered before opening the front door. He took a step back as he was assaulted by the smell of cinnamon and spice, and the sight of various red and green decorations strewn throughout the house, which just six hours before had been covered in orange and black and fake spiderwebs and plastic skeletons.
"The hell?" He asked, stepping into the foyer and closing the door behind him. Lucas and Lizzie greeted him, both wearing collars with tiny jingle bells on them. "Is that .. Christmas music?"
"Hey Shane!" Nicki called from upstairs, leaning over the banister in the hallway. "Catch!" She tossed down a box marked "ornaments", which Shane barely dodged before it crashed onto his head, the unmistakable sound of breaking glass causing her to frown. "Nice catch asshole."
Shane looked up at her in confusion. "Are you still drunk?"
"Quite possible," she mused, shrugging before bounding down the stairs to meet him at the bottom. "MATT WE'RE GONNA NEED NEW ORNAMENTS BECAUSE SHANE IS A DICKFER," She yelled so loudly it made Shane wince.
"What's a dickfer?" He asked.
"If you don't know Shane, you've got more problems than I can help you with," Kimo grinned as Shane walked into the kitchen, where all of the motley crew was piled up around the island.
"Very funny. What the hell is going on?" Shane looked around, wondering if he was still dreaming, or hallucinating. Jeff had garland draped around his neck like a feather boa while Beth had ornaments dangling from her ears like earrings. Shannon was still sporting his face paint and fake blood from the night before, but now he had accentuated it with a plastic rudolph nose and fake antlers, and next to him Kimo had on a plastic headband with a sprig of mistletoe bouncing around on top of it. Nicki was wearing an elf hat, and Matt a Santa hat and fake beard that had slipped to lay around his neck.
"Now that we're all here, let's get started!" Matt announced, clapping his hands together, and everyone stood up a little straighter, except for Shane, who just looked even more confused.
"Started what? What's with all the Christmas stuff, you guys do realize it's only November 1st!"
"Exactly, and that gives us exactly .." Matt drifted off and looked towards Shannon and Nicki.
"48 days!" They announced in gleeful unison.
"48 days to plan the 7th Annual Matt Hardy Big Ass Christmas Bash!"
"Oh God," Shane groaned, slapping himself in the forehead. "Did you guys even SLEEP yet?"
"SLEEP IS FOR THE TIRED!" Kimo announced in his best Army voice, before the rest of the group chorused "AND TIRED IS FOR THE WEAK!" so loudly Shane jumped.
"I really need new friends," he grumbled, pushing Shannon out of the way to sit down on one of the stools. Beth handed Jeff a pad of paper and pencil as Matt officially called the meeting to order.
"Now because this is the first year that the Bash will be in the BCR Do Me .."
"Don't you mean Dome?" Shane asked.
"I know what I said Shane, don't interrupt," Matt scolded. "As I was saying, the Bash will be in the BCR Do Me this year, so the guest list can be a bit larger than usual. Last year we had people here that I don't think any one of us knew, and while that's all well and good, this year we'd like to make sure no one is a registered sex offender .." Matt stated.
"Or a loser," Nicki interrupted, and everyone except Shane nodded in agreement.
"So let's see. We've got everyone here, obviously, and their counterparts that may be otherwise engaged," Matt nodded at Shannon.
"By engaged, he means Julie's still passed out hugging the toilet," Beth explained to Shane, who felt like doing the same.
"You guys should all be doing that, we drank enough to give our future children alcohol poisoning," Shane grumbled, resting his head on his chin.
"Throwing up is for sissies," Jeff stated, twirling the pencil between his fingers.
"Did you just say sissies, really?" Shannon asked. "Who still uses that word?" Jeff shrugged, and Shane buried his face in his hands, biting down on his tongue so he wouldn't scream.
"Anyway, besides us there's the usual Hardy Show gang .. Monster, Yuk, Marty .." Matt began ticking names off as Shannon and Nicki began a staring contest across the island and Kimo tried to get Beth to kiss him under the mistletoe. This went on for a good three minutes of Matt droning on until Nicki kicked Shannon under the table, causing him to blink.
"CHEATER!" Shannon yelled, thumping his hand down, once again causing Shane to jump.
"Don't be a sore loser Shannon," Nicki chided, crossing her arms over her chest and giving a victorious grin.
"AHEM," Matt fake cleared his throat to bring silence to the room, so once again the only sounds that could be heard were the dogs bells jingling and some random boyband singing about Santa watching them getting busy under the tree .. What the hell kind of Christmas music was this? Shane wondered, as Matt droned on and listed off about 200 other people, most of which Shane had never heard of and a few Shane was pretty sure were characters from movies.
"Next, we've got the wrestling friends .." Matt was saying as Shane rejoined the conversation.
"Jay and Mariko," Nicki announced. "and Crystal .."
"Only if she brings Cody, not Randy .. Randy's a dick," Jeff stated.
"Dude, she has to bring Randy, it's her boyfriend," Shannon explained.
"For real? I thought she was dating Cody?" Beth questioned.
"I thought she was dating both of them," Shane added.
"Don't be stupid Shane, of course she's not dating both of them," Nicki said, shaking her head.
"Gotta be honest babe, I thought she was too," Matt laughed.
"Then which one is she dating?" Shane asked.
"She's uh .. well .." Nicki opened her mouth to explain, and then closed it again.
"Uh huh." Shane laughed knowingly.
"Well just put Crystal plus 2, and hope she brings Cody and Teddy," Nicki said, motioning to Jeff.
"Huh?"
"The list. Put Crystal plus 2."
"What list?" Jeff asked, confusion on his face.
"The list you were writing down? The list of people to invite?"
"I thought Kimo was writing that down."
"Oh dear God," Shane grumbled, burying his face in his hands. "If you weren't writing it down, what the hell were you doing with the pencil and paper for the past 2 hours?"
Jeff held up the paper, on which he had drawn a sleigh, led by Santa Matt, in which all of them sat in, gleefully throwing down presents to the town below. He grinned triumphantly.
"Nice!" Matt nodded appreciatively.
"That can go on the front of the invites!" Nicki said, clapping her hands together gleefully.
"Well, I guess we'd better start over! Who was first .. Yow?" Shannon asked.
Shane groaned, slamming his head down on the island loudly, repeatedly, until he could no longer hear the five part harmonies declaring the only gift they wanted for Christmas was him.
I love the NSync Christmas CD so hard .. and you?