This tour has been nothing but fun so far. The city we'll be playing tonight is Atlanta and since we have family here, we've been looking forward to meet and hang with our cousins and a few friends before the show. We spend a few hours trying to catch up on everything that happened since our last get together with our cousins, aunt Julie's daughters. Sara made sure to put them all on the guest list for tonight's gig as we made our way to the hotel and then for the soundcheck. She's been in a kind of nostalgic mood the whole day and I know why. Every family member we hooked up with today reminded her of our aunt Julie. She was a huge support to us both when we first came out, mine and Sara's best friend and dare I say second mom. We didn't cope quite well with her sudden death, to be honest.
Sara misses her dearly. I want to reflect on her sadness with her and bring up the happy memories to cheer Sara up a bit. It is clear though, that Sara wants to deal with this alone for now. And I let her. Now, as the show is approaching, she seems to be in a better spirit, all pumped up to give her best tonight. The crowd screams their lungs out throughout the whole gig. We banter a lot, I dance even more until there is only one song on the playlist left. With the first tones of 'My love open the door' hitting the air of the venue, everyone have their phones and cameras out and ready enjoying the last minutes of us on stage. We go through the first two verses and choruses into the instrumental bridge of the song really smooth. I see Sara in the corner of my eye stepping back to the mic and then it happens.
I hear in my in-ears that she chokes up and couldn't get to finish the line. My head turns into her direction and I see her wiping the tears out from her eyes. My heart breaks into what seems like a gazillion pieces and it takes all of the energy of the universe to keep me put and not to run to Sara and hug the living shit out of her. I play it cool though. I take the lead and finish the singing. As we play the last part of the song on the keyboards, I glance over to her a few more times. Tears are falling down from her baby face and I decide to look concern although I am on the verge of tears myself. I thought she would run off stage right after the last tone, but no. She stands her ground like the tough cupcake she is. We say bye to the fans, me with a smile, Sara with a 'get me out of here, Tee' look on her face.
Sara rushes off to the dressing room with me mere inches behind her small frame. The door slams behind our backs and without any hint of hesitation she throws herself onto me, buries her face into my neck and starts to cry so hard I want to die just to make it stop. The cruel reminder that I need to stay the strong one here kicks in. To speak or to even move is totally meaningless. I just hug her with all the strength and love left in my and kiss the side of her head. I allow one lonely tear to roll down my cheek and let it all get to me before I inhale deeply taking Sara's scent in. My twin's sadness becomes palpable, as her body shakes in my arms with her every breath. After I don't know how long Sara's grip on me loosens and she looks me in the eye and says "Thanks for that you are, Tegan" and places a very tender, tear stained kiss on my lips. She asks me if we could sit on the red couch that I only now notice is present in the room. I oblige and as my bum hits the mattress Sara is quick to curl up in my lap with a silent sigh. I didn't dare to speak up until this moment. My fingers strike through her soft hair as her head lays on my chest. I´m sure the sound of my heart calms Sara down a bit. After a few more minutes of silence all I am able to get out of me is "I miss her too, you know." I regret the decision to open my mouth immediately. Sara starts to sob softly but I manage to prevent a second painful outburst by pulling her up and hugging her against me. I kiss her neck delicately and feel that her breaths even out. Before Sara dozes off completely, I peel her off of me a bit and gently push her down on the couch on her side. I throw my jacket over her torso and place the softest kiss on her forehead.
The second I am out of the dressing room, I am met with Ted's half concerned, half heartbroken look. "She's okay. She's asleep". I see a hint of relief in Ted's face as he asks "Are you alright, Tegan?" I try a smile "Yeah, just tired as hell". Ted starts to report to me that everything and everyone is packed and ready to go and that our ride to the hotel will be here in ten. I nod, thank him and return back to the dressing room.
Have you ever imagined Sara sleeping? Yeah, exactly. The cutest, most adorable and lovely girl is laying in front of me with her eyes closed and her sweet mouth slightly open, breathing in with tiny snors and breathing out with small whimpers. My baby sister. So vulnerable, I want to protect her until my last heartbeat and never let anything or anyone hurt her. So beautiful, I don't feel deserving of her love. And so innocent, as I slowly step to her, crouch in front of her and she looks up at me and smiles with her eyes, my heart stops. I lean in to kiss her cheek and whisper "We have to go, angel." Sara sits up and I soothingly strike her thighs. She kisses my forehead in return. I take her hand, pull her up and we make our way out of the venue straight into the waiting car.
We hold hands in the darkness of the back seat during the short drive to the hotel. Our eyes meet a few times as we look at each other, Sara with a more exhausted sight. We check in by the front desk, I grab the key and since nobody is in the lobby and by the elevators, I hold Sara by the waist the whole time. As we step into the elevator and the door closes I ask Sara, if she's hungry. "No. Just hold me, please." And so I do. We reach our floor and find the room fast. This is gonna be a long night.