AN: A word of thanks to the organizers and sponsors of this writing event. Hearing many talk, one might believe the fic world in this fandom to be a tiny one, but it's truly anything but. I hope some of the other quiet writers out there found their way to this exercise and joined in. These stories are all we have now, so we should encourage any and all to contribute their ideas and creativity to this space.
This event proved to be a challenge for me, and what I'm sharing is my 13th attempt at a contribution, each of them quite different in approach and angle. What I ultimately realized was that I really just wanted to write moments I wanted to see and to write conversations I wanted to hear.
The Other Side of Pain
He could feel the warmth of her blood as it seeped through the fabric of her uniform and coated his palm. It wasn't like any sensation he'd ever experienced, one that struck a fear in him so powerful it nearly knocked him off his feet. Her eyes remained locked on his as tears rolled across her cheeks and into the grass below, and he could hear her silent screams for help as her broken body shuddered in response to the metal's cruel invasion.
He could sense the chaos happening all around them, yet somehow they were the only two people in the world in those moments. Nothing else mattered. No one else mattered. He had so many words swirling around in his head, so many words he'd been saving for someday, so many words that had nothing to do with cases or books, and he wanted to shout them all at the top of his lungs, but it was her voice that came instead, feeble yet sure.
"Castle, I want…" She struggled for breath against the weight of her injury, and Rick tried his best to help support her head and her neck as he fought to keep firm pressure on her wound. "You're the only one," she slurred, fighting for air.
"Kate, don't talk, please," he implored her. "They're coming. Help is coming. I promise."
She wheezed out a single cough and her eyes fell shut. "I love you," she exhaled as a paramedic shoved Rick aside.
xxxx
Rick sat alone in the front pew of the hospital chapel, his thumb pressing firm circles into his bloodstained palm as tears welled up in his eyes. It wasn't a place he found himself often; in fact, he couldn't recall the last time he'd been inside a church for something other than a wedding, and he desperately wished to be anywhere but. He came for the silence, knowing well the comfort so often advocated was something he'd never find there - surely not now - but more than that, he came because he couldn't bear to look Kate's father or her friends in the eye any longer, not after he'd failed her and them so completely.
It was all running on a slow-motion loop in his brain: the argument, the hangar, the gunshot; over and over it played, like a horror film without end, one he couldn't find escape from. Kate was somewhere in that hospital, cut open and fighting for her life, and his failings helped put her there. It should've been him in that operating room. Life had forced her to fight enough. He closed his eyes and begged to wake from the nightmare.
"Castle?" A soft voice called to him from the back of the room, and he turned to find Lanie coming towards him, her eyes filled with exhaustion and sorrow.
"What happened?" Rick snapped, wiping away his tears. "Did something happen? Is she-"
"She's in the ICU, Castle. She's fighting." Lanie sat down in the pew behind him. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to see how you were doing. Your mom said you came up here."
"I don't know what the hell I am, Lanie. I don't know how to even begin to process any of this." His chin dropped and she reached over and touched his arm. "I can't lose her, not after she…" His voice trailed off before he said anything more. He didn't want to say it out loud. He didn't want to set it free for fear it might disappear.
"We're not going to lose her, Castle, do you hear me? Don't even think like that. Kate Beckett is the strongest person I've ever known, and she needs only good right now." Her fingers squeezed at his skin.
"I know," Rick said faintly. "I know."
Lanie sat quietly with him for a few more minutes and then slipped out, leaving him as she'd found him, wondering if she'd done him any good at all.
xxxx
Rick never left the hospital for a minute, despite the pleadings of his mother and daughter who could only watch as he anguished through the hours of wait, and he looked every bit the part. They'd finally gone to fetch him a change of clothes and some toiletries because he'd refused to go himself, refused to leave Kate until he was able to see her with his own weary eyes.
"You look like you need about a dozen of these," Jim Beckett said as he sat down next to Rick in a stale 5th floor lounge, an obligatory Styrofoam cup of coffee in hand. "Wasn't sure how you take it, so it's just black."
"That's very kind, thank you," Rick said. "I'm not sure a dozen would even do the trick at this point, but the journey of a thousand miles, right?" He swallowed down a sip and his untended throat felt instant gratification.
"When was the last time you ate something, Rick?"
He couldn't remember the last time, nor did he care. "I honestly don't know, but I'm fine, really," he replied, downing another sip of lukewarm coffee.
Jim nodded knowingly. "Well, I'd tell you to take a break and go and grab something, but I think I've heard enough about you from Katie over the years to know that won't happen."
Rick smiled thinly. Kate had once told him her mother used to call her Katie, but he hadn't actually heard anyone do it. He liked it. "I suppose I've been accused of being stubborn a time or two."
"I believe the word she used was loyal, Rick, and I know how much she values that. She doesn't allow herself to count on very many people, which I'm sure you've figured out by now."
"Yes, sir, I have," Rick said, letting her father's words wash over him. He thought for a moment as the two sat in silence, wondering how much he should say, if anything at all. "Mr. Beckett, I know I'm not actually a cop, but your daughter's partnership means everything to me, and I want you to know I'd do anything to keep her safe."
"I was there, Rick. I was in that cemetery. I know what you tried to do to protect my daughter, and I know it's not the first time you've risked your safety for hers." He put his hand on Rick's shoulder as he continued. "I don't care that you're not an actual cop, Rick. You're more Katie's partner than anyone ever has been, and I hope that when you think about what happened to her out there, you remember that and understand that none of it was your fault."
Rick didn't want to lie to him, so he said nothing, acknowledging Jim's words with but a look. Accepting he wasn't to blame, even in the slightest, seemed an impossible reality to fathom. "Whatever happens, Mr. Beckett, I'll find whoever did this. I don't care how much or how long it takes."
"I have no doubt that's true, Rick," Jim said, both men turning towards the door as it suddenly pushed open.
"Mr. Beckett," the doctor said as he approached, "I've just come from looking in on your daughter and we're going to allow you to see her now. It can only be for a few minutes and she won't be able to communicate with you, but I can take you down there if you like."
Jim stood without a second's hesitation. "Absolutely, thank you," he said, looking back at Rick, still seated in his chair. "Would you like to see her, Rick? Would that be all right, doctor?"
"Normally we only allow family members under these circumstances, but if you don't have issue with it, I think I can make an exception," the doctor replied.
Rick could barely find voice for his thanks.
xxxx
Jim came out of Kate's room after fifteen minutes inside, and Rick's heart instantly began to pound. He had no idea what to expect, what he'd find on the other side of that door, what he'd think or feel or say in those precious moments he was being gifted. He only knew he wanted more - so much more - and he needed her to hear that.
He stepped into the room with Jim's blessing and let the door close behind him, frozen as the sights and sounds bombarded his senses. She was close, the room small and cluttered with medical equipment of all sorts, and he immediately fell into rhythm with the soft beep of one of the machines, counting each silently in his head as he moved towards the side of the bed where a chair waited for him. He had no idea why it brought comfort, but with little else to turn to, he gladly welcomed the oddity.
She was pale. She was so pale and her lips dry from the unforgiving air of the place. And she looked so small. He'd never thought that about her before, but she did. He wanted to tear the tubes away and wrap her small body in his arms, but this wasn't fiction, this was vicious reality.
Rick sat and watched her for a moment or two, watched and soaked up what he could of her. Despite the evil that had been inflicted and, in its wake, the extremes that had been brought to bear for her survival, she looked astoundingly beautiful, more so than any person he'd ever known - even there, even like that. Her hand lay at her side and he covered it gently with his own to feel the warmth of her, to share some of his own.
"I tried to smuggle in some coffee for you, but the nurse confiscated it," he teased. "Guess she must be a tea drinker." Humor came easier. "I had a nice talk with your father today. You came up, actually." He smiled remembering their conversation and Jim's words. "I came up, too. That was my favorite part, naturally. And, yes, I did just roll my eyes on your behalf." He'd stopped counting the beeps he realized then, his heart calmed by the closeness of her. "God, I hate this. I should be the one in this goddamned bed."
He lowered his head perched it against her arm. She'd said those words. She had. He'd heard them - despite the pandemonium, despite the shock and fear coursing through him - and they were everything he'd ever wanted. "I can't lose you, do you hear me? I can't. You have to come back to me, and I promise you I'll spend the rest of my life if I have to making this right."
Rick heard a soft knock at the door and it opened. "I'm sorry, Mr. Castle," the nurse said, "but it's time for you to go now."
"I'll be right out," he told her, cueing her kindly to go. "I love you, too," he whispered once they were alone again, and he pushed from the chair.
xxxx
Rick spent the better part of the next eighteen hours outside Kate's hospital room, having moved from the lounge upstairs to a bench beside her door. He'd finally allowed himself a short break for some much needed fresh air when Martha had returned with a bag of fresh clothes and a toothbrush, but he still hadn't slept. He was long past tired, anyway, and his brain was still far too wired to allow him that brand of relief.
The nurses quite enjoyed his company and he theirs, his charm ever-present despite the circumstances, and he found Jim an admirable conversation partner, most of his time spent with him as they waited for updates from Kate's doctors as to her progress. Jim was in with her for his first visit of the day, and Rick was busy texting back and forth with Alexis when he found himself startled by the echo of a laugh emanating from her room. Seconds later the door flew open with a whoosh, and Rick turned to find Jim standing there with a look of shock on his face.
"She's awake. Katie's awake," Jim said, sounding every bit the proudest father that'd ever existed. The nurse at the desk immediately reached for the phone to page the doctor. "She just opened her eyes and said your name, Rick. I was standing there, looking out the window and thinking about her with Johanna, and she just woke up like it was any other morning."
Rick swallowed back the lump of emotion building in his throat. Like a race car slamming into a wall, it hit. "She's awake?" he asked foolishly, verbalizing something he hadn't intended to.
"And asking for you," Jim replied. "So much for dear old dad, it seems."
Rick didn't know what to say, about the news or to her father. He could barely catch his breath, but a reprieve came in the form of her doctor, and he allowed the two men to speak. He sent Alexis a final text message with the news and asked him to pass along the update to Martha, before he sent a separate message to Lanie. His thumbs moved like lightning across the keys, keeping pace with his racing heart. It felt like no chapter he'd ever written.
The two waited in fervid silence for her doctor's return, hoping for the best of news and anxious to see the woman they both loved so completely. Rick's mind flashed back to the moments he'd come so close to blurting it out, to admitting the feelings he'd being living with, and to those words from Kate during their argument when she'd asked him if friends and partners was all they truly were to each other. If only he'd known then. If only he'd imagined she could ever feel half of what he felt.
"Rick, hello, are you there? Rick," a voice said from somewhere far away. He felt something touch his shoulder and he flinched. "You should go in first. Katie asked for you," Jim said, snapping him from his mind's journey.
"Sorry, I was...no, sir, you're her father," Rick stammered, still gathering himself.
"Yes, I am, thank you," Jim said, mockingly but not, "but right now I need to give her what she wants, and that, Rick, is you. I'll be right behind you. You can promise her that."
Rick didn't want to think about what he'd meant but not said. He didn't want to think about the possibility that they could still lose Kate and that every second of time had to be treated as though it could be the last. "I'll do that. I'll tell her," he said, and he stepped up to the door for, undoubtedly, one of the most surreal moments of his life.