My mom thinks my life is complicated; mostly because that's what I keep telling her.
But it's not.
My life is very simple: Every single thing, person, or idea in it is either an Asset or a Liability.
People – civilians – don't understand that. They make Attachments.
Take the charger as an example: People expect a man to have a relationship with his car; especially a beautiful, classic car that he inherited from his father. And while I appreciate the fine qualities of a magnificent machine, it is just that: a machine. I consider it an asset as it has saved my life on several occasions. Besides being a method of transportation, it has served as a prison, an arsenal, an ambulance, once as a cushion to break my fall, and on occasion, a home.
But I have no emotional attachment to it. If necessary, if it served a greater purpose, I could destroy it completely in an instant. I don't want to. But I would. I wouldn't hesitate.
This ability to compartmentalize is essential to a spy's survival.
It was never difficult for me. I learned at a very young age, that the only thing in this world you can depend on is yourself. Everything else- everyone else will let you down. (fathers, mothers, friends) And if they don't – it's because you weren't expecting anything from them. (little brothers) They need something from you and it's up to you not to let them down.
Once I accepted this, life became much simpler: I got busy becoming someone who got things done. First I worked on my own body – treating it the same way I treat the charger: I fuel it properly, and keep it in the best possible condition, so that when I need it- it will not let me down.
When I found I needed certain skills, I learned them – to the very best of my ability. This too, so that I would have exactly what I needed when I needed it.
Everything in my life and actions for the past thirty-plus years has been directed towards having everything I needed within myself. I never looked anywhere else for support – never depended on anyone else.
When you make attachments, you create a third category: a very messy one. Attachments can be assets and they can be liabilities. Becoming attached to an asset can turn that asset into a liability, and vice versa. Nothing is simple anymore. The worst example of this is when an enemy uses one of your attachments against you – the worst kind of liability.
Needless to say, I didn't make any attachments- At least, none that I couldn't walk away from at a moment's notice.
Yes, I almost broke my highest law- twice. But I found I was able to walk away. It wasn't as easy as it should have been, but I did it. I was much more careful after that.
This philosophy served me very well in my childhood, in the military, and most notably, as a spy.
But then I got burned.
For a very long time I tried to keep things compartmentalized. And mostly I succeeded. The loft, the Charger – these were assets, plain and simple.
Fiona and Sam were assets – mostly. I treated them as assets – even when they didn't appreciate it much.
My mom was definitely a liability.
But things have changed. Every thing has changed. I'm not a spy anymore. I'm not sure what I am anymore. And because of this, it is no longer clear to me who is an asset and who is a liability.
Sam is, by far, the simplest of my friends. He is an asset and remains so. He knows me – the man I have become, better than either my mom or Fi, simply because he has been with me – worked with me the longest. He also knows the Rule.
But he breaks it regularly and with surprising ease. I do not understand how he deals with the complexities of relationships – the changing from asset to liability and back again- the attachments. But he does and I admire and respect him for it. It's one of the many reasons I have allowed myself to become dependent on him.
My mom was a liability until she proved what an asset she could be. Impressive. I never knew her without dad until I was burned. Maybe this's who she was all along. Maybe this is what she became because of her years with him. I will never know. But I no longer think of her as a liability. (Although I am still reluctant to depend on her.)
Fiona: Asset or Liability? It seems to depend on the day – or even the hour. When I first came to Miami she was just an asset: a means to an end, a tool in my arsenal.
But she has become so much more than that. I'm not sure when or how. I'm not sure what we have between us. Due to the very nature of its complexity, I should consider it a liability, but I can't. Somewhere along the line she made herself indispensable to me- and if I am honest with myself- not just for the job: She is necessary to me. No asset should be given that much power, but it seems I am powerless to stop her.
Without the burn notice, I would just walk away; disappear for several years at least. Rip off these attachments brutally and then stay away until the wounds healed. But I am no longer convinced that it would be that simple.
With this burn notice, I can't leave Miami. I can't leave. And a part of me is grateful.
There's another thing that has happened over these last three years, and it's the part I loathe: I have become a liability.
My very existence puts these people in danger.
How often, over the last four years have I uttered the words, 'I never wanted this…'?
Sam and Fiona are quite capable of getting themselves into, and out of, trouble, but my mom? For over fifteen years, she hated that I was gone, but she was safe. No one used her to pressure or coerce me. No one threatened her life or her freedom. She was safe. And, I believe, better off without me.
Now she has fear and danger in her life on a regular basis. I have asked her to do things that go against who she is… I never wanted any of this for her.
Sam was retired and living the good life. Now he has been injured and nearly killed several times – all as a direct result of his relationship to me. Never wanted that either.
And Fi – well, I am not sure if she gets into more trouble with me or without me, but I hate it when it's because of me.
I am the liability here.
How can I go back to being an asset?
The only way I can see, is to become a spy again.
Once I find a way out from under this burn notice, my mom will be safe again; Lonely, maybe, but safe.
Sam will go back to his beer and his ladies. He'll be safe, too, and happier, I think. He'll think he's bored, but he'll be better off.
Fiona will be better off without me, too. I can never be what she really wants. She knows this, and wants it anyway. When I am gone, she'll find another Campbell. She'll be with someone who can actually give her what she wants. And while she might not ever be safe, she will be saf-er.
Therefore, perhaps the greatest challenge I face – even greater than the burn notice itself – is keeping these people from forming attachments to me.
I must be nullified in this equation. Their needs outweigh mine. Their safety is paramount. Their feelings must be considered.
I will not consider my own feelings- my fear that without them I will become another Larry- another Simon. The pain that I will feel leaving them behind-
No. These must be taken off the scale.
I will reverse this Burn Notice- or die trying.
Either way they will be better off without me.
It's really very simple after all.