Beast

I've known you ever since I was born, Fear. You were there every second of the day, hiding in the corners of my mind and waiting to pounce upon the prey of my feeble brain. Every single chance you got, when I was feeling uncertain about myself, you took advantage of completely. You ravaged me with your black claws and swallowed up my hope with your grinning mouth. You ate every piece of light inside of me and turned everything beautiful pitch black and ugly. You made sure that everything I had inside of me was shattered and hidden away before I could reach for it. You were very thorough in your destruction and for a while it seemed like you were as present in my life as my own breathing.

But Fear cannot reign forever. Or at least, one would think so. You came back later in my teen years to haunt me, Fear, and make me feel so insecure that I could barely take a step without wondering what they would think of me. You never cared for much for logic-all you ever cared for was misery. And misery was what you dredged out of every corner of my being. You survived with all of the plentiful bounty you were able to extract from my quailing soul. Fear, you monster, took all with your convincing snake-tongue and your believable lies. You knew exactly what to say to make me listen, and I took your advice for fear that I would be ruined if I did not.

I will not ask why you seemed to take pleasure in my torment, Fear. Perhaps you haunt many victims, hiding under their beds at night and waiting until you can drown them in your blackness. I am certain that throughout the centuries, many other people suffered the same kinds of problems with you that I did. Fear, after all, is a core part of the human being. And how could it not be? Without Fear, none of us would even be alive, because without Fear, we would have made foolish decisions that would have killed us all long ago. Fear keeps us from doing dangerous things and from making choices that would reasonably ruin our lives and reputations. I won't deny your usefulness. But I can't deny your destruction either, Fear, and so that is why I speak of you now.

Fear, you think yourself so clever to manipulate me and deceive me so that you can harvest the energy of my soul for your sake. If I were to guess, you're lounging on a throne of deceit and hatred and screams, cackling happily to yourself about your success. Oh, you thought you had me in the palm of your hands, Fear. You thought that for as long as I lived, you would be able to control me, to betray me, to abuse me, to use me as your own personal breakfast. Fear cannot survive without a victim, and you saw yourself how easy it was to feed off of me. You were like a disgusting black leech feeding off of my happiness. You swelled so large you nearly exploded, but all you could do was grin at my helpless flailing. You had me exactly where you wanted me, Fear, and for a long time I thought I would kneel at your feet forever, unable to escape your tyranny.

But Fear, know that there is one defense you cannot breach. You cannot breach the ramblings of a fear-torn soul, and that is where you ultimately lost. I found a fortification against your hatred, and I found that your pitiful dark armies were having more and more trouble each day climbing the walls. Oh, you could break through a crack here and there and infect me for a day, but your attacks were no longer constant. I saw your color wane, your cheekbones emerge more prominently on your already hideous face from hunger, your eyes dull, your brow furrowed as you wondered what had went wrong. You called back your armies, discussed your strategies, develop better weapons. Surely, you thought, there must be a better way. There has to be a way to get in and feed off the luscious anxiety that clogged my heart.

So you put your best step forward, you rode your nightmares triumphantly into battle with rotting flag held high, certain of your victory. After all, you'd plagued me once before and you were certain you knew how to do it again. You charged at my walls, teeth bared, soul grinning, eyes flashing, claws out and ready to tear my heart apart.

But you failed. You failed, completely and utterly. You realized that there was something in my arsenal that you completely failed to anticipate. You saw my words and how my words led to my escape, to find the balm that soothed my pain. My willingness to break free from you ultimately freed me from my own slavery. When you brushed up against my weak yet effective attempts to fight back, you realized just how unprepared you were. Your knees crumpled, your army turned on you, your weapons snapped like twigs, you fell to the ground and threw dirt in your hair and bawled like a baby at your defeat.

Meanwhile, I stood battle-weary and triumphant atop the ramparts, glaring down at you as you crawled away, not even having the good grace to admit your defeat. You've tried several times since then, cowardly Fear, to defeat me. Sometimes, I'll admit, you've broken through and reduced me to tears of stress. I know you've reveled in those delightful times when you once again taste the sweet, sweet anxiety of my soul. You'd missed that ambrosia for so long, didn't you, oh Fear? You enjoyed tasting it again and lapped it up, eagerly awaiting the next time you would taste of it again.

But I've made sure now that those tastes are few and far between. Since Fear is a vital part of the human life, I will never be able to defeat you entirely, oh Fear. I cannot control my own emotions, and since you are one of them, I will have to grudgingly admit that you're always somewhere in the depths of my mind, plotting your next attack and licking your disgusting lips in anticipation. Sometimes, you'll win and get to enjoy that sugary delight you've been missing out on. But this will not be here for you to partake of in your own personal banquet for forever, Fear. I've found a way to fight you, and I'm making sure that you're not going to get the best of me again.

You're probably something I'm going to deal with my whole life, Fear. But I'm not going to listen to your bleeding, heartless lies again. And when I do fall prey to your predatory nature, I will wait until it passes and someone will find a way to keep me from despair. It is a part of my soul, so I cannot hide from you forever. But there will be ways to drive you back again and again, and I'm making sure I have access to those weapons forever. As long as there is light, as long as there is a paper to write my words upon, I will find a way to fight you, oh Fear.

I'm really starting to feel a bit sorry for you now, Fear. I see the disgust and agony and surprise and terror in your eyes when I defeat you. I see how skinny you are and I'm sorry you're not getting fat off another hopeless person like I used to be. Really, if you wanted to have some tea and talk about whatever issues you have in your life, I'd be fine with that. But your ways are so uncouth and your manners so uncivil that I can't even stand the thought of being in the same room with you any longer, Fear. So unfortunately, no peace talks will be on my future agenda. As much as I'd like to give you a home and feed you so you don't starve to death, I'm keeping my walls closed and my heart shut to you, Fear. I gave you the key once, and look what a disaster that was. I'm making sure it's not happening again, whether you like it or not.

Because I know how to make my way through the darkness now, Fear. I'm seeing the light more often than not, and nothing looks hopeless because I have a sword now. I've run you through with it again and again, and it's still stained with your transparent, stinking blood. Your clothes are stained with my victories, your mouth hungers for my fear. You will have neither. I'm going to try as hard as I can to keep you out, and though I know you won't give up, I should warn you that it's futile. So go find someone else to feed off of, Fear. I may have my weak moments and I may not be as brave as some people in this world, but I've gotten sick of your games and I know my way around them.

Why waste time with a beast when you can be spending time with the guardians of your happiness? That's what I'm going to do, Fear. And you'd better watch out.

A/N: This little dialogue here is based off of my own personal struggles with anxiety and depression. After looking at some pictures of Pitch tonight, I was inspired to write about my own personal struggles via an indirect conversation with the King of Nightmares. In this story, I basically tell Pitch that even though he's successfully harmed me in the past, I have found better ways to keep him out and not let anxiety and depression affect me so much. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this little conversation, and I hope that those of you who've had similar struggles will relate to this and feel like you're not so alone anymore. To those of you who understand this struggle, I reach out to you and remind you that as long as you keep speaking and don't let the boogeyman win, you will be able to get better. I promise. ^^