A/N: This is (yet another) sequel to my sprawling UM series of fics, but can easily be read as a stand-alone fic. Got the idea for this from that Big Brother game that keeps circulating in emails (which never, ever gets any less hilarious).

Disclaimer: I don't own Ultimate Muscle, which nowadays is probably something of a wonder, since I have probably written more about the series than Yudetamago (the real owners) have.

Chapter 1 – Dawning of a New Era

Jacqueline sighed, rolling her eyes to the ceiling.

"It is not straightforward!" Vance barked across his desk at her.

"Yes it is," she said plainly, keeping her eyes on a small stain on the ceiling above them. "Ikeman made a disastrous job of managing the Bad Blood Tournament, I made the Jacqueline McMadd Chojin Crown a raging success, therefore I am clearly the better choice to run the IWF as chairman."

"Chairwoman," Vance corrected her.

Jacqueline's green eyes rolled downwards to lock onto her elderly father.

"We both know that I am more man than Ikeman ever has been," she said flatly.

Vance sighed, rubbing his fingers at his temples.

"Wrestling is a man's business," he said slowly. "Kevin Mask said so himself."

"I have Kevin Mask wrapped around my little finger and firmly under my thumb," Jacqueline smugly replied. "The Muscle League actually give a damn about what I have to say. They all despise Ikeman just as much as you and I despise his face."

"It is a shockingly unattractive face that your brother has, but he's been involved in the business for over twenty years, he has the benefit of experience over you," Vance said patiently.

"His ideas are old, just like you," Jacqueline spat venomously. "You both agreed that I have better salesmanship and I am more liked by and more in touch with today's wrestling fans! I can turn this business upside-down in a matter of weeks. Ikeman just turns people's stomachs with his face and his hair and his clothes and his voice and his… Ugh!"

"Your brother has a great voice for karaoke! He's always been karaoke queen wherever we went!"

"Karaoke queen?"

"Did I say queen? I meant to say queer."

Jacqueline arched her eyebrows, suppressing an amused smirk with great effort as she watched her father frown a little, pondering what he had just said.

"King," he eventually corrected himself. "Karaoke king. Your brother is always karaoke king."

"Freudian slip, I'm sure," Jacqueline quipped.

Vance chuckled a little and Jacqueline allowed herself to smile.

"No!" Vance hurriedly corrected himself, straightening out his grin. "No, no, no! I won't have a woman sitting in this chair!"

"I would replace that chair with something more functional," Jacqueline snootily returned. "And I would revamp this building, so much wasted space… We could sublet some of the lesser used offices to local businesses, charge extortionate rent and invite fans in to shop there, provided we get a cut for every sale made."

"Jacqueline, that's…" Vance began, shaking his head slowly. "Well, frankly, that's just brutal."

"Not as brutal as subjecting our fans – our source of income – to Ikeman's face for the next ten years."

"Would you two stop talking about me as though I'm not even in the room?" Ikeman protested, standing abruptly.

Jacqueline puffed her cheeks, rolling her eyes again.

"I have no solid proof that you could really achieve even half of your ambitious targets, Jacqueline," Vance said slowly.

"Check the profit and loss accounts for the Chojin Crown!" Jacqueline snapped.

"So I'm going to recommend to the shareholders that you be made temporary president of the IWF," Vance continued. "I'm going to give you until the end of quarter two to prove to me – and the board – that you really are the better choice to lead the IWF."

"Quarter two?" Jacqueline echoed.

"I know!" Ikeman wailed, nodding his head at her. "Father, that's the end of June!"

"Exactly!" Jacqueline growled. "And this is already the first week of March! You're giving me less than four months!"

"Which ought to be sufficient," Vance said with finality, crossing his arms over his broad chest and sitting back in his chair. "The Chojin Crown was created and run – from prelims to the final – in less than four months."

Jacqueline let out an exasperated sigh, scowling at her elder brother as she caught him grinning smugly at her.

"Just you wait, Ikeman!" she sneered. "I'll show you exactly how to run this business!"

"You're very quiet," Kevin Mask said carefully. "Which is really not like you. Dare I ask: what have you done this time, Mars?"

"Hey!" Mars yelped defensively. "I ain't done nothin'! Da old man had problems long before I started workin' wid him."

Kevin slowly pulled the phone from his ear, eying it warily. He began to think that he did not actually want to know what Mars was talking about this time, but the idea that Mars was on the other side of the world – living in Tokyo with Kiki – reassured him that at least this time he would not be dragged into sorting out whatever mess Mars had created, and so he could at least safely ask about it.

"Explain," he said, bringing the phone back to his ear.

"Well, ya know, we been livin' here for a couple o' months now, and after Kiki got a job, I felt real bad sitting at home all day while everybody else went out to work," Mars began. "So I told Kiki's old man I was gonna look for a job, and he offered me a position workin' wid him."

Kevin stiffened, his face twisting.

"What does Kiki's father do?" he asked monotonously, already dreading the reply.

"He's a production manager at da Bank o' Japan," Mars replied.

"Oh, alright," Kevin said, his relief more evident in his tone than he had intended for it to be. "So he offered you a job as a security guard, right?"

"Nah, he gave me a job workin' in quality control."

Kevin's face dropped.

"Quality control?" he repeated.

"Yeah," Mars agreed. "But it was real borin', ya know. I had been dere so long I just got bored and decided to have a bit o' fun. And den when Kiki's old man found out, he had a heart attack. Now, everybody is sayin' it's my fault da old man is in hospital, but I didn't do nothin'. He was a real soft type long before da ass incident."

Kevin cringed, silently thanking every God he could think of that Mars no longer lived in London with him.

"The "ass incident"?" he asked patiently.

"Yeah," Mars agreed. "Like I said, da job got borin' real quick."

"How quick?"

"I'd been dere for about two hours."

Kevin rolled his eyes.

"And alls I'm doin' is watchin' lots o' money spittin' out of a printer," Mars continued. "So I found da room where dey produce da images dat go on da notes. Da guy dere asked if I could just wait dere while he went for a coffee, so I decided to play a little joke on him."

Kevin tensed, his brain warning him that what was coming next was inevitable.

"So I scanned my ass and sent it to da printer," Mars said, as though to do so had been the perfectly natural thing to do in such a circumstance. "Only I kinda moved my leg a little cause da guy was comin' back wid his coffee, and what got printed onto da money showed most of my–"

"Mars, please," Kevin stopped him. "It's nine in the morning over here, I've just had breakfast, I'd like to keep it in my stomach, thank you very much."

"So anyways, Kiki's old man is in hospital now, and everybody is pointin' at me," Mars said. "Da weird part is, Kid Muscle asked if he could keep da notes wid my ass on dem."

Kevin's eyes widened.

"I don't want to know," he said flatly. "Sometimes nine time zones just isn't far enough away."

"Hey, it ain't exactly da sweet life for me over here," Mars protested. "I got Kiki chewin' my ass out over her old man, and den we got dat invite from Terry and Trixie, and now she's really on my case!"

"Oh, right, I'd forgotten about that…" Kevin muttered, his eyes flicking to the frilled white card propped up on the mantelpiece at his side. "Another wedding… Only this time it's a rootin', tootin', barnyard hoedown in the heart of cowboy country."

"Yeah, so I was thinkin', we really oughta do somethin' about dis," Mars replied.

"What do you suggest?" Kevin asked, smirking a little. "Should we jump on the bandwagon? Our fellow Justice Chojins are all getting married, maybe it's time you and I finally settled down too. What do you say Mars? Will you make an honourable woman out of me?"

Kevin stifled laughter as the line went deathly silent.

"You're a cheeky bastard, Kevin Mask," Mars eventually said, his voice oddly quiet and smooth.

"Your wondering eye has always been the downfall of our relationship Mars," Kevin added. "And now here you are handing out pictures of your most intimate body parts to Kid Muscle, what am I to think?"

"Hey, it was a good joke, I was puttin' my moneymaker on da money!"

Kevin sighed, shaking his head.

"Ya miss me, don't ya Mask?" Mars laughed.

"Not really, but I do pity Kiki," Kevin replied.

"Yeah… So anyways, I was just thinkin', until all dis whole ass incident passes by maybe I could just come live wid you–"

"Absolutely no way."

"Cause you're my buddy, and you always help me out when I need–"

"Absolutely no way."

"You miss da humour."

"Not that much I don't."

"I would just–"

"Goodbye Mars."

"Kevin!"

Kevin hung up the phone, smiling to himself at Mars's predicament. He turned and started down the hall, slowing as he spotted Amy staring at a sheet of paper, the worried look on her face making him feel suddenly uneasy.

"What is it?" he asked, already sure that he did not actually want to know the answer.

"You've been summoned to The Philippines by order of the IWF headquarters," she replied, turning the page around to show him the contents. "It says you're needed for an upcoming event. What upcoming event? Did Mars know anything about this?"

"He never mentioned it," Kevin muttered, taking the page from Amy and scanning through it for himself. "It can't be anything too awful," he concluded. "Mars only spoke about how his arse gave Kiki's father a heart attack, so obviously he doesn't consider this high priority."

Amy frowned at Kevin, searching his eyes for the joke.

"Do I even want to know why Mars's arse gave Kiki's dad a heart attack?" she asked cautiously.

"No, you really don't," Kevin assured her, shaking his head. "But I suppose I should check this out. Can you take me to the airport?"

"What, now?" Amy echoed. "But… Right now? It was just that I needed to–"

"I just want to get there, get through it, and get back as soon as possible," Kevin replied.

Amy sighed and nodded her understanding.

"You're right," she agreed. "I'm sure you won't be gone long. After all, how bad can it possibly be, right?"

Kevin's face dropped.

"Don't ever say that," he warned her. "At least, not when you're talking about the IWF, because no matter how bad you may think it might be, it is always, always so very much worse!"

Amy smiled, but Kevin shook his head.

"Seriously," he insisted. "Always worse."

Amy pulled a sceptical face at him, but Kevin ignored her, heading off to pack a bag.

"Okay, now shut-up!" Mars snapped, quickening his pace.

"But Mars!" Kid wailed, hurrying after him. "Wait for me!"

Mars took longer, faster strides, hoping to lose Kid in the crowds of Singapore Changi Airport. It was bad enough that he had been summoned by the IWF to fly out to The Philippines via Singapore for no apparent reason, but after having to endure the flight from Tokyo with Kid wedging him against the window of the plane, Mars found his head becoming flooded with homicidal thoughts. Hurrying through the main lounge and leaping over ponds of brightly coloured Koi, Mars heard Kid's cries fade behind him, and, to his relief, he finally spotted the blue iron mask of his longest friend.

"Kev!" he yelled, launching himself off the raised planted area.

"Bloody hell Mars!" Kevin greeted him.

"Hey Mars," Terry said with a nod of his head. "Any idea why we're here, and why they're sendin' us to Manila?"

Mars shook his head.

"You had to fly here with Kid Muscle, didn't you?" Dik Dik asked, smirking at Mars.

"Kiss my ass, Bambi!" Mars shot back.

"Your ass is famous, Mars!" Jaeger said cheerfully. "I heard it vas printed on ze five thousand Yen note!"

Mars growled, slapping a hand against his forehead.

"It's a ridiculous state of affairs," Kevin commented. "The IWF can't just send all eight of us on a blind mission to The Philippines without good reason."

"That's assuming that there is a good reason for us all going out there," Dik Dik pointed out.

"Hey, everybody's here!" Kid Muscle cheered as he joined the group. "This is awesome, let's get drunk and play the King Game!"

"Or not…" Dik Dik said darkly, glancing at a pair of security guards eying Kid suspiciously.

"We don't know where we're heading, or what we're facing," Kevin pointed out. "We need to remain alert."

"Yeah, but us Kinnikus have a saying for situations like this," Kid replied.

The others all looked at Kid with varying degrees of wariness, but he grinned obliviously and continued his speech.

"When in deadly danger, when beset by doubt…"

The others began to look a little more reassured by Kid's unusually serious tone and almost poetic words.

"Run in little circles, wave your arms and shout!" Kid finished, charging around the others with his arms in the air.

"Idiot," Kevin grumbled.

"Hey, where's Meat?" Terry asked, looking around the others. "Shouldn't he be here holdin' onto Kid's leash?"

"Meat wasn't invited," Kid said, pushing his way into the centre of the group. "Jacqueline said it had to just be the eight of us, absolutely nobody else."

"Is anyone else as worried as I am?" Wally asked nervously.

"We don't have time to be worried," Kevin cut him off.

The others turned to him expectantly, but his head was turned to one side. They all followed the direction he appeared to be looking, finding the monitor announcing flight schedules, which informed them that their next flight was boarding.

"Everything is working out perfectly," Jacqueline said, a slightly maniacal grin tugging at her features, the sight of which caused her father and brother to cower back from her. "They're onboard the flight now and it's only a matter of time before we go live with the show. This will be the dawning of a new era for the IWF."

Ikeman gulped, turning to his father, who shook his head violently.

"Sister, I don't think that the Muscle Leaguers are going to like starring in your new show," Ikeman said regardless.

Vance squeaked and tried to flee the room, tripping over as Ikeman clutched at him fearfully.

"I hope they don't," Jacqueline said casually. "It will make for better viewing."

"Miss McMadd, we're ready for you," a voice called into the room.

Jacqueline rose smoothly from her seat and left the room, upon which Vance and Ikeman sighed in relief.

"She is terrifying!" Vance hissed.

"She gets that from you!" Ikeman wailed.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline positioned herself in front of a green screen, allowing an assistant to attach a microphone to her as the production crew set up the cameras, lighting and microphones around her.

"And we go live in ten… nine…"

"Get away!" Jacqueline snapped, shooing the assistants from her sides.

"Eight… Seven…"

Jacqueline licked her teeth and primped her hair a little, turning in the direction of the camera with a red light illuminated above it.

"Six… Five…"

Jacqueline took a deep breath.

"Four…"

She watched the crew countdown the last three seconds with their fingers before flashing a brilliant smile at the camera as a sign on the wall behind it lit up to read "On Air".

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jacqueline McMadd, chairman of the IWF, and today I have a very special treat for all you wrestling fans," she said. "Today is the very first episode of our brand new show, Chojin Desert Island Survivor!"

Jacqueline extended a hand to the green screen behind her.

"Right now, a plane carrying your favourite wrestlers of the Muscle League is headed towards a remote desert island in the South Pacific, where our heroes will spend the next eight weeks!"

Jacqueline took her hand down again.

"Only the strongest will survive, but who will it be?" she squealed excitedly. "Only you, the fans, can answer that question! Eight Chojins: Kevin Mask, Mars, Kid Muscle, Jaeger, Checkmate, Terry Kenyon, Dik Dik Van Dik and Wally Tusket will be subjected to trials for food and shelter, and each week, they will nominate their two weakest links. You the viewers can then call in to the show to vote who you would most like to see off the island, until only one man remains! Fight fans, welcome to Chojin Desert Island Survivor!"

"This turbulence is unreasonable," Dik Dik moaned. "I'm going to have a word with the pilot."

Kid Muscle was strapped into his seat crying hysterically, Wally was trying to manoeuvre around the puddle of urine Kid had created to take his seat next to the Kinniku prince, Jaeger and Terry were sat together looking a little ill, Checkmate was fastening his seatbelt and Mars and Kevin Mask were both taking their seats.

"Too much shakin' about…" Mars muttered, twitching a little.

"Throw up in that direction!" Kevin yelled at him, pushing him away.

An inhuman scream brought silence to all seven Chojins, who exchanged worried looks as the interior of the plane was suddenly flooded with whirling winds.

"The pilot!" Dik Dik cried, running back to the others. "He's gone!"

"What do you mean "gone"?" Kevin echoed.

"I mean he ejected his seat and we are free-falling towards the sea!" Dik Dik replied, jabbing a finger at the window by Kevin's side.

Kevin smacked his masked face against the window, his eyes widening as he saw that Dik Dik's ludicrous statement was in fact the truth.

"Always, always worse," he grumbled.

Next Chapter: The plane carrying the Muscle League crash-lands, and our heroes learn that it was no accident, as they have been deliberately abandoned on a remote desert island as part of a new reality television series dreamt up by the IWF; but just how will our heroes manage to survive eight weeks with no cow and rice, no television, no karaoke, no girls, no shelter, no gym to work off all that anger and only each other for company? Chapter 2 – The Ruse.