Ianto glowered as he scrubbed at the sleeve of his shirt, the stain definitely set now as the argument continued around him.
"Well, I thought the lid was on!" Owen yelled, in full toddler mode as he stomped his foot, "Gappy is the one who left it loose!"
"GAPPY!" Gwen screamed, "Jack, he just called me…."
"STOP IT!" Ianto roared, throwing the cloth into the sink and turning to face the team, Jack's mouth open to scold as Gwen stood pointing at Owen.
Ianto knew what was about to happen and was about to say something when Owen leaned in and bit the finger.
Cue the screaming.
Ianto looked at Jack who was starting to laugh as he watched the two argue and he sighed again as he looked around the mess that had been created by the grape juice.
"Right. I'm done" he said as he started to leave the kitchen and then looked around the room.
"Oi! Who's cleaning this up!" Owen yelled.
"Not me, it's my day off and you called me in for this shit" Ianto swung to face them and then his cell phone went off, his glare deepening as he looked at the screen and then muttered "Perfect, just fucking prefect only half the day gone before you remembered me."
He answered as he fumbled with it and inadvertently turned the speaker on and a voice said "Hello Squidgy, how is your day going so far?"
"Wanna hear how my day has been do you?" Ianto said with dripping sarcasm as he took it off speaker. "Really?"
They all blinked as their usually dower butler suddenly exploded.
"I woke at 3am when a cat down in the alley had a fight with another cat…like…fucking big one…maybe a lion came to Cardiff or maybe it was a weevil who ate the fucking thing from the arse up…all I know is that it was fucking loud!" Ianto flapped his arms and everyone blinked again, "A weevil? Don't ask…Then I finally get back to sleep about six only to get woken by the rubbish truck at nine…then…and here's the good part, then I go out to see if the paper's there and someone took a shit in my potted colour. Right there, in the fucking pot! Believe me, I know human shit when I see it, I've cleaned enough of it up!"
Ianto's finger pointed at his shoes and everyone looked down, "Then … A phone call from the Boss because he can't find a file he needs desperately right now! …. Like … really, my day off and I'm called in for a file I know is on his desk? Then I go to get dressed and I open the dry cleaning bag to find a wedding gown in there…. A fucking wedding gown. My three piece smoke and peppermint ensemble is not there, a feckin wedding dress for some midget with a waist the size of a ….a….Barbie doll … I hope she looks good in her photos…then…then after I rethink me entire wardrobe I step outside me gate to find another shit…. I hope not from the same source as the first lot but unfortunately definitely not seen before my oxfords found it and I have to scrape them off and then scrub then, change into another pair and I get in my car to find the gauge is on E. E! EEEEEEE!"
Ianto is now looking directly at Jack "Someone used my car and never even topped it up after traipsing all over the countryside doing god knows what to the undercarriage…. Oh yes … E. I drive to the service station and fill it up, pay the terrible price of petrol theses day because I do not have a company card…. Oh no … god forbid Ianto needs to fill his car because his boss is a prat!"
"Shit" Owen said softly, "Third person, I'm gonna bounce."
He started to edge for the door as Ianto took a breath and continued while stepping into the doorway and glaring at Owen, "Then….guess what happens next. Guess. You'll never guess, I didn't guess. I was like… surprised. You know it takes a bit to surprise me as you know, so… you can imagine my surprise to finally get to work and find some little fucker had parked his piddly little cake mixer he rides about pretending it's a motor bike in my fucking spot."
Owen freezes.
"Then!" Ianto huffs, "I finally get into the office and my computer is in bits because someone wanted a piece of it to fix…something… and now the orders I have been filling out for the week to send today are gone. Gone. Hours of lists and diagrams for…head office… gone!"
Jack grimaced as he heard that his monthly report for the Palace had gone, looking at Tosh who paled as well and whispered to him "Sorry Jack, I never thought … I didn't know Ianto did the reports on that one."
"And then!" Ianto was getting to the best part and his snorts of sarcastic laughter told them all so "then the little rat faced fuck grabs a bottle of grape juice off the big titted one and shakes it. Shakes it. Every fucking where! All over my pristine fucking kitchen, PURPLE!"
"I think he's reaching critical mass" Tosh whimpered as Owen patted his packets for a hypodermic.
"Big tit….did he mean me?" Gwen asked the room with shock.
"Oh god, and I know why you are ringing. You want me to drive all the way to the estates so I can be reminded of the shit box I was born in and you refuse to move out of even if I keep offering the money in my bank account that I will never spend and when I die you will have anyway but no…no…. you live where Mama's blood stain from the time Da smashed her face into the doorframe mocks me…oh yes … happy fucking day."
He stopped ranting, the person on the other end talking as he listened, then snorted, "Right. Like the time you got me the bottle of wine then drank it?"
They all wondered who the hell it was he was talking to now and he sighed as he scrubbed at his face.
"Rhia. Are you fucking kidding me? You are ringing to ask me to come around to babysit while you and the fat fuck go out for the evening? You know… it's bad enough someone I thought I was sort of semi-dating forgot what day it is but you too? Really?"
Ianto slumped like someone had let the air out of him and then he said softly, "No. I am not babysitting, I am not filling out forms, I am not Weevil hunting, I am not washing anyone's slime covered clothes…I am not cleaning the purple dripping kitchen either. I am going to the bottle store, getting a bottle of the good stuff and then going home to lock my door and get nicely sozzled."
"Yes"
"That's right. Ah, well … look at that. 19th? Is it?" his sarcasm is cutting, "Well. Go figure, just another day in August huh?"
"Yeah. Well, thanks I guess but it sort of loses its spark when it's forced. Go ask Sheryl next door." Ianto frowns at the floor. "OK. Bye."
Ianto slips the phone into this pocket and stared at the floor for another second then looks directly at Jack.
"Do not come to mine. Do not send flowers and do not think I will forget you did this" Ianto said softly, "You of anyone should know the date I was born, almost as important as I day I will die but maybe it's not. Not important at all."
"Ianto…"
Ianto stomped off and Owen turned to Jack, "It's his Birthday?"
"Yeah"
"We forgot again?" Gwen wailed, "Damn it, two years in a row?"
"Jack!" Tosh said softly, "It's marked on your calendar."
"I know. I even looked at it and wondered what the red circle was for" Jack sighed, "Fuck. He didn't say anything about not ordering him a pizza though."
Jack went to order a pizza delivery from the 'other' store and pulled his credit card out to pay as he hoped they could put sorry on it spelt out in the BBQ chicken Ianto likes so much.
Ianto hates his birthday.
No one ever remembers.
To him is says they don't really care enough to.