Welcome, dear readers.
So begins what should be a pretty epic story. This chapter is heavy on pseudoscience; it's just a setup. Most of the story will be scifi-action-adventure-thriller, with some romance in there, and some of those dirty scenes you all come here for. Look out for gun violence, people and Pokemon maiming and/or killing each other, fist violence, space travel, and a reasonable amount of sex - oral, vaginal, and the dreaded anal. I'm not putting anything in the summary before I actually get some scenes in there, but likely for the future are: Anal, Oral, M/F, F/F, NC, and Beast.
To wrap up this stupidly long author's note, I'm largely inspired to get off my ass and write something by Skyler's work Equilibrium. I've been keeping track of his stuff forever - I'm pretty sure I was the first one who ever reviewed "One Week" on ffnet, or "What Could Happen in Ten Days?" as it was called back in the day. So here's the first thing I've written in a good long time. Enjoy.
Professor Cypress squinted into the lights of the convention hall. The large room was lit for television, as certain stations had sent journalists and TV crews to cover the Kanto Pokemon Conference. It was a rare trainer that actually attended the academic lectures - they preferred the exhibits on new Pokeballs, Blocks, training methods and the like. As it was, Cypress was speaking mainly to Gym Leaders and other Pokemon Professors, among them all eight Kanto leaders and the four head Professors of the local landmasses.
It was a tough crowd to speak to, as Cypress was younger than most of the attendees and less accredited. In science, the youthful often disprove the long-held beliefs of the elders, and in the field of Pokemon, one that demanded passion and zeal, polemic theory was rarely well-received, no matter how true it was. The findings that Cypress had come to present were so astonishing that as he stood in the harsh glare of the lights and his peers, he suddenly felt like a man on the verge of suicide. He fully believed his findings, and he also believed the explanation he had produced, but his own conviction might crush him. If those gathered saw him as wrong, or possibly unhinged, no one would ever take him seriously again. He considered leaving the podium and fleeing, but what good would it do?
I've already jumped off the cliff, he thought. Might as well ride it in with as much dignity as I can.
He took a long drink of the thoughtfully-provided water on the podium, and began his fateful speech: "Honored guests," dammit, should have said distinguished! "thank you for coming today. I consider myself lucky to have the chance to work with people like yourselves, people who are dedicated to Pokemon, and to seeking out all the knowledge these amazing creatures have to offer us. There has long been an urge in some people to learn, and to discover. I am honored to count myself among you." Enough with this, let's get going.
"As you all know, computing technology has advanced astronomically over the course of our own lives. That these computers were developed at the same time as DNA theory is, I think, an incredible stroke of luck, as it has lead to the find I have come to deliver to you today. Eleven years ago, when Weedle's genome was first mapped, it proved that it could be done. Seven years ago, when Silph developed sequencers capable of quickly mapping DNA changes between Pokemon evolution forms, it proved that it could be done fast. And three years ago, when the human genome was mapped, it proved that we were fundamentally similar to Pokemon on a basic biological level - for those of you who have tried, you have found that Pokemon food, while disgusting, can provide nutrition to humans too." Here, there was a light laugh, as everyone recalled the case of the lost group of hikers who survived on Mt. Moon for over a month on nothing but Pokemon food.
"Well, in those last three years I have conducted research into finding just how far removed we are from Pokemon, and what our origins are. I started out of graduate school with a question constantly nagging my mind - what is the difference between a Pokemon and a human? Humans can eat Pokemeal, but we can't use Pokeballs. We breathe air and drink water, just like them, but the citric acid cycles that power our bodies are fundamentally different from the alpha-amylase enzyme action that powers theirs. Why is it that for all their similarities, they are so fundamentally different? What caused the split in evolutionary lines, and why did it happen?" The atmosphere in the room abruptly changed from one of relaxed hearing to nervous, intent listening. The question on everyone's mind seemed to be 'Where the hell is he going with this?'
Here it comes, thought Cypress. The bombshell. "As you will see on the diagram behind me, the latest computations find a 38 percent similarity between our genome and that of Kadabra, our closest genetic relative on this planet. That sounds fine - until you note that the genetic difference between Kadabra and Sableye, the Pokemon most genetically different from Kadabra, is eight percent. To restate, we bear a 38 percent similarity to our closest Pokemon relative, while Kadabra bears a 92 percent similarity to its farthest evolutionary divulgence."
Never since the announcement of the first Pokeball had a room in the Conference been so utterly thunderstruck. Mouths hung open, hands trembled. If this was true, then...
Old Professor Oak recovered first. "B...but how do you explain the fact that they breathe air, have binocular vision, use similar communication methods and similar body language and..."
"Convergent evolution," replied Cypress, and though it didn't seem possible, he shocked the audience even more than he had already. "Evolution, when faced with the same problems in two different places, comes up with similar solutions."
Professor Rowan was next. "So how far removed do you think we really are?"
"Well..." Here it comes, thought Cypress. The nail in my career's casket. There's no way they'll buy this. I don't even know if I believe it. "I... Understand, this is, I recognize, just a hypothesis. Er, not even, more of a general idea...An imagining..."
"Well?" Rowan barked.
"I no longer believe Pokemon and humans evolved alongside each other. Short of a massive isolation and migration event..."
"So Pokemon are...aliens, like Deoxys?" came Oak's voice. He didn't sound caustic, like Rowan. Cypress allowed himself a moment of hope.
"No, sir. Humanity is the alien species."
Cypress allowed a full ten seconds for that to sink in before continuing. "We just don't fit into any ecosystem found here. We never have. There are only fourteen species of plant we can eat. All of them are domesticated, and no wild examples can be found anywhere. The Oran berry generates lysine and cyanocobalamin, even though it has no biological reason to, almost as though it was engineered that way. According to an archaeologist friend of mine, the oldest signs of human habitation are less than three thousand years old, and the most ancient dig sites include patterns in the dirt strikingly similar to those made by self-propelled agricultural equipment. Evidence of current Pokemon species dates back beyond thirty million years in the case of some species. Primitive forms of Gyarados, Feraligatr and Sharpedo may have existed over 150 million years ago."
They hadn't run him right out of the hall yet, so he allowed himself another ray of hope before finishing. "We have long known that there is something strange about humanity. Something unnatural. In the days of old, it was thought that the great Arceus had simply made humanity his chosen species. I have come forward to offer an explanation based in science, and in truth. Thank you for your time."
He stepped down, and the halogen lights were shut off, to be replaced by far more tame ones. As his eyes recovered, he saw that an intimidatingly large group was bustling toward him. At the front were Birch, Rowan, and Oak, followed by the Gym Leaders Sabrina, Koga, Misty, and Lieutenant Surge. Behind them were Lorelei and Lance, members of the local Elite Four, as well as Wattson and Norman from Hoenn.
"I don't think I'll hop on your bandwagon, boy," Rowan snapped as he approached. "You've got a lot to learn about publishing. You don't wait for the biggest audience you can get before hawking that rubbish." He turned on his heel and stormed away.
Oak was next. "Inappropriate though his attitude is, Rowan has a point, son. Something this big should be printed first. You risk looking like you're just trying to get attention by waiting till now."
"I understand, sir," said Cypress, "but what do you think? Do you think I might be right?"
"I would have to see some more proof, but...you make a compelling argument. I think you may have started something bigger than yourself, though."
"Yes," Lance chimed in, "Arceanism preaches that human are different from Pokemon because of divinity, but without more hard evidence, your idea may become...religious in nature."
"How do you mean?" Cypress asked, feeling worried.
"Remember the big fight a few years ago about Pokemon evolution?" started Koga. "How the scientific faction believed evolution was a natural life cycle, while the Arcean faction believed it was an earned blessing conferred by the Lord?"
"Until it was unequivocally proven, the strife was terrible. Johto almost went to war with Hoenn over it," Professor Birch said. "People get touchy when you delve into things they consider sacred. They don't like having blessed things pieced apart like that."
"I just don't get it," sighed Cypress.
"Well, imagine being in love, and having someone come along and explain the exact biological impetus that made you love that person. Imagine if someone told you it was just a combination of hormones and body language, and nothing special or magical."
"That would be disappointing, I guess."
"Well, there you go. Those people feel as though we're attacking them directly by shedding light on special, wondrous events like Pokemon evolution. They don't understand that those things are just as special to us - just special in a different way."
"Precisely," said Sabrina. "And that simple misunderstanding can have terrible consequences."
Cypress did not understand what Sabrina had meant until the next morning, when the death threats started arriving.