I thought I'd won that last time he spun back toward the President. I was certain of it. He wouldn't shoot me, not this Doctor. He was a coward, running away his entire life.
"Exactly! It's not just me, it's him! He's the link! Kill him!"
The President looked so sure, so unafraid. I had been terrified when I realized why the Doctor pointed the gun at me. The link in my head, the cursed drumming. I'd thrown words in his face, words filled with ages of fear and envy.
"The final act of your life is murder. But which one of us?"
I was so certain I'd won. There was no reason for him to pick the President over me. No reason for him to trust the President where he didn't me. If he could accomplish the same end either way, he wouldn't forget our past. Please let him not forget.
And then he spun again, away from the President. Toward me. I was going to die. Our years, our eons, together were not enough to erase everything I'd done to him. Our time together on Gallifrey was not enough, would never be enough. My lips moved, but I wasn't sure what to say. 'Don't' or 'please.' Asking him for his forgiveness or love was beyond my ability. I stayed quiet.
The Doctor was forgiving enough when it came to him, but what I'd done to his friends was beyond forgiveness. Harkness and Jones, the year that never was. I should have known not to threaten his Companion. It was all unforgiveable, and that was only this worthless body. I couldn't bear to think about what I'd done to him before.
I wanted to close my eyes, lose myself in my memories and his love for me, when I had it. When I deserved it. I wanted to forget the accusation in his eyes, the incessant drum beat in my head, the triumph in Rassilon's heart. I wanted his arms around me, not as I died, not to restrain me, but to forgive me finally for everything I'd done.
But no. If I was going to die, the last thing I was going to see would be him. I would die with the Doctor's face in my mind. Despite my mental bravado, I could feel the tears in my eyes. This wasn't fair. Not now, not when I was so close. I missed him, I missed my Doctor. I could have had him again, if only I had a little more time, time to make him see things my way. This wasn't my fault. If I had to die, as it appeared I did, I wanted his forgiveness. I wanted him to bestow his forgiveness on a living man, not the one dying in his arms. I wanted him to hold me again. I wanted him to love me as he once did.
"Get out of the way."
It took me a second to comprehend what he said. Get out of the way? Get out of… I felt a smile growing on my face and I dove aside. The bullet whizzed past me, shattering the diamond.
"The link is broken. Back into the Time War, Rassilon. Back into Hell!"
I could hear him even over the rushing fire. My Doctor managed to break the link without taking any lives. How like him.
"You die with me, Doctor!"
"I know." Anyone who knew him less well than I wouldn't have heard the fear in his voice. I did and the agony of it was heartbreaking.
No. No! No, he can't die. Not like this, not when it was my fault. I will not allow it.
"Get out of the way." I was surprised by the strength of my voice even as I stood. I was terrified, but he turned to face me and I saw the expression on his face, so unlike the uncertain hatred of before. It was enough.
The bolt of energy flew past him and he jumped aside.
"You did this to me! All of my life!" Another strike. "You made me!"
He will knock four times…
Four more bolts of energy. I had to have it in me. I had to, for him. "One! Two!" Rassilon fell back, "Three! Four!"
It was all I had left, the Doctor was right. How unsurprising. As my consciousness faded and I disappeared with the Time Lords, I heard his voice, astonished and heartbroken, echoing in my ears. "I'm alive."
It was all I needed to hear. I could not take back what I'd done, but my Doctor lived.