_ _ _ _ _By Ti'ana
Scene: Overview; Hyrule at dusk. The sun sets over the vast
land.
Very little activity; Malon is seen dragging Epona by the reins,
and
Talon behind her, filing his nails. Ingo sits in the cart, his
head bobbing
back and forth, like he has motion sickness.
The camera moves towards Hyrule Castle Town. It goes up
to the Castle Town drawbridge. As we move into the town over the
bridge, it begins to rise, knocking the CAMERAMAN into the moat.
For
a second we have no picture; only the microphone works.
CAMERAMAN: (Brooklyn accent) *#$&! This @*$& peesa
@*&#$!
DIRECTOR: (voice only) You're fired!
CAMERAMAN: D'oh (we hear the water slushing as he leaves.
All we see is snow still)
DIRECTOR: (v/o) Act I, Scene i overview take two!
ACT I, SCENE i take two: In Hyrule Castle Town, we see a few
Hylians
entering their homes.
Camera switches to the castle. The sky is darkened now.
Camera switches to inside the castle.
GUARD: Hey! Where's your permit to film here!
GUARD 2: Look! Hey ma, I'm on TV! (He waves his hand quickly,
and CAMERAMAN hits them both over the head with the camera, we
hear
a few groans as they fall to the floor, and continue through the
castle, behind schedule thanks to those two #@$&*! obstacles
we had to overcome. Sorry.)
Camera switches to ZELDA's bedroom. Princess ZELDA sits in front
of her
mirror, brushing her hair. She is humming the song of the Royal
Family,
Zelda's Lullaby. The telephone rings (ring).
ZELDA: Ugh, not while I'm brushing my hair! (Picks up the phone)
Sorry wrong number. (Cradles the phone, hard)
Camera switches to ZELDA's left side, facing the phone on the
left side
of Zelda's dresser. The phone rings again. (Ring)
ZELDA: (Snatches phone up) Listen you jerk, I told you to leave
me alone! If I hear one more ri...
CREEPY VOICE: Do you like scary movies?
ZELDA: You mean like... that movie with the bald people that
come to Earth and try to take it over?
VOICE: Independence Day? That's not a...
ZELDA: NO! I'm not talking about the actors. I mean, the
overseers or whatever that come to Earth to take back all their
slaves and
take over the planet because Earth sheltered them or
something....
VOICE: You dope! That's Alien Nation! They're not there to
take over the planet and.. Hey that wasn't a scary movie either!
ZELDA: (Laughs, camera switches to other side of her face) Well
it was an AWFUL movie.
VOICE: What is wrong with you! They had the most brilliant
screenplay in all SciFi movies! Well except for maaaybe... You
know..
will you answer the damn question?
ZELDA: (flips her hair) What was that again?
VOICE: (slapping sound is heard, skin against skin. Assume
he's hitting his forehead). DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES!
ZELDA: Uh-huh.
VOICE: What's your favorite?
ZELDA: Uh... That movie with Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, the
vampire movie.
VOICE: Interview with a Vampire. Also not a scary movie, but
I can see you're a blonde, so I won't penalize you.
ZELDA: (Looks over at the clock, camera switches to the clock
which reads 9:38, then camera switches back to ZELDA) Listen, I
had
better go. My boyfriend's gonna sneak in any minute and I have to
get
ready. Hey, how'd you know I was a blonde? It's natural, I....
well
anyway, I'm waiting for my boyfriend, and if he....
VOICE: You mean the one in the green dress that wears tight
white stockings and girly boots?
ZELDA: Yeah, that's him. Say, are you psychic or something?
VOICE: This is the part where you're supposed to get scared
blondie.
ZELDA: Oh yeaah.. right. (coughs) How do you know Link?!
VOICE: He's the *&%^$#! Hero of Time, EVERYONE knows
him!
ZELDA: Oh.. duh. Well why do you think I'm dating him? I mean,
a guy who dresses like Robin Hood taking ballet has got to have
some
problems, if you know what I mean.
VOICE: Haha! Link takes ballet?! That's... dammit. Listen,
Princess...
ZELDA: (gasps) How do you know who I am?
VOICE: I CALLED YOU!
ZELDA: Oh..
VOICE: Listen! Just look out your window before I push your
@^§#$ boyfriend off the balcony!
ZELDA: (looks out at the balcony, camera changes angle to see
from her perspective) Oh my God! (A light turns on to reveal a
small
Kokiri kid) What the... Mido! (camera zooms in on a pair of
binoculars
at his feet. He is tied down to a chair, bound and gagged)
VOICE: What do you mean Mido?
ZELDA: That's not Link. That's the bossy@$$ leader of the
Kokiri that dissed my Linky out. (voice becomes nervous) Listen
you
jerk. I'll find out who you are if it's the last %$#*@ thing I
do! (door
opens and closes; we don't see who it is)
VOICE: Who's in the room with you.
ZELDA: (turns around, camera changes angle along with her)
Oh, that's just Link. Hey, I thought you were sneaking in through
the balcony.
LINK: Yeah, I was gonna but I saw that pervert Mido climb
up. I thought I'd come warn you first. (a cell phone falls from
his
tunic, camera zooms in on it)
ZELDA: (zooms in on her face) Oh my Goddesses... You're
the killer! Um.. caller!
VOICE: (so only Zelda can hear, from the receiver) No you
dipweed, I'm still on the phone.
ZELDA: (thoroughly confused) How are you throwing your
voice like that, Link?!
LINK: You're line was busy, Zel, so I brought this along. Hey,
who're you on the phone with??! (Grabs the phone) Hello?
VOICE: How do you stand that chick?
LINK: (whispers) Hey if it means becoming King of Hyrule,
I'll play it out for a few more decades. (coughs and speaks
louder)
Who is this?
ZELDA: Come on, Link, I wanna talk again. (whining) Give
me my phone back. (grabs the phone)
VOICE: All right, that's it. (Camera switches to the balcony,
at an angle so we can see LINK, ZELDA, MIDO and the night sky. A
black cloaked figure with a ghost mask appears. In his hand he
holds
a phone. He speaks into it) Hello. (Alias changed to "SCREAM
GUY")
ZELDA: (drops the phone) Oh my goddesses, he's throwing
his voice too!
SCREAM GUY: (A long knife glistens in his hand) You know
who the first people in movies are to die?
ZELDA: (points to LINK) The potential hero, and then the movie
takes a drastic turn for the worse when everyone but the
beautiful
princess die?
SCREAM GUY: No, ditz. The non-virgins ALWAYS die first!
ZELDA: ...How did you know about that?
LINK: WHAT? But.. we never.. I'm still a virgin!
ZELDA: (looks like she's thinking really fast) Remember the
night you go really drunk at Lon Lon Ranch? You just don't
remember.
LINK: Zel, I'm underage, I don't drink. And how the hell do
you get drunk off of milk?
SCREAM GUY: (turns to ZELDA) You'd better tell him the
truth, babe....
ZELDA: (slaps her forehead) You know your old friend,
Nabooru?
LINK: What the hell.. She's a girl! Zelda, you told me you
weren't like tha....
ZELDA: No stupid not her. Remember her leader, oh gee.. what's
his name? Gan... Ganondoor?
LINK: (explodes) Ganondorf?!
ZELDA: Well what do you THINK? I was waiting in that castle
for weeks before you came to rescue me! I can only hold out so
long!
LINK: I was gone for SIX HOURS trying to save YOU!
ZELDA: Well you know, Ganondorf's pretty hot. When we...
LINK: Jesus! I don't wanna know. That's it, princess. we're
through!
ZELDA: (moves closer to the SCREAM GUY) So, what are you up
to this Friday night?
SCREAM GUY: Well actually, I'm slightly busy. Tonight, I have
an agenda, though, that I must follow. (digs the long banto-knife
into
ZELDA's side)
ZELDA: That was.. uncalled for.. (dies)
LINK: (slaps SCREAM GUY high-five) Yo man, I gotta know who
you are!
SCREAM GUY: (pulls off mask, back of head is all that is seen)
Tada!
LINK: (blinks) What....?
SCREAM GUY: (camera shifts to SCREAM GUY; Saria sitting
on Princess Ruto's shoulders) Surprised, Link? (robe falls off
them, so
we see them both more clearly)
LINK: Just a little. Say, thanks for that Zelda-killing bit, I
was
getting kind of annoyed by her. You know, if I wasn't...
SARIA: Actually, Link, we have some... things we must discuss
with you.
LINK: Hey, anything for you two!
RUTO: (twirls the knife, tip on the floor) Actually, more than
us.
You've made quite a few people unhappy.
Camera shifts to the balcony window. Standing outside, we see
many
shadowy figures. As they step closer, we can make out the
following:
MALON, MIDO, FADO [According to Nintendo, Fado is the little
girl with the blonde pigtails in the Kokiri forest. You can see
her in
my fic, Ti'ana's Story: TM (LC), author], NABOORU and GANONDORF
riding EPONA.
LINK: What's all this about? And what are you doing on my
horse you overgrown pig man? You're supposed to be locked in the
Evil
Realm!
SARIA: (off NABOORU, RUTO and herself) We're Sages, Link.
We practically run the place. Now, we're going to have a little
trial. A
very little trial in which the defendant is already proclaimed
guilty.
Case closed. Women? (gets a nasty look from GANONDORF and MIDO)
And men?
RUTO: This is for breaking out seven-year engagement! (stabs
LINK)
MALON: This is for stealing my horse! (stabs LINK as well) And
because I fell in love with you and you married that slut of a
princess to
become king! (stab)
NABOORU: Only because my friends will turn on me if I don't!
(stabs LINK)
SARIA: For leaving me in the woods without rescuing me! (stabs
LINK) For making me fall in love with you as well! (stab)
MIDO: This is for ten years of annoyance! (stabs LINK)
FADO: And this is for my love of Mido! (stabs LINK)
GANONDORF: For constantly defeating me in battle! One for every
time I was humiliated by your pathetic powers! (stabs LINK
multiple times)
EPONA: (whinnies, and stomps on LINK's chest)
LINK: (stabbed, in total, 20 times) Et tu, Epona? Then fall,
Link!
(dies).
Camera pans out from window. We see Hyrule Castle in its
entirety, the
cameraman sobbing in the moat... Hey! I thought I fired you!
fired!
CAMERAMAN: Yo (sobs) gimme a break man!
...and FTB, credits. Zelda's Lullaby plays to a funeral march.
Ack, no flames please! I started writing this as a joke 6.30.00
when I was going through my "I wanna be a director and
screenwriter" phase (don't we all? *coughcough*) and I
forgot about it up until recently, and finished it up today,
3.9.01. I worked on this, in total, about an hour. I KNOW
it isn't written well, it wasn't supposed to be. Just tell me
what you think, but don't be mean about it :\
-Ti'ana