Of all the gin joints in all the world, thought Kate to herself miserably. Damn that stupid movie for being so accurate right now. She and her friends had been addicted to Casa Blanca when they in Catholic school, and they'd watched it a million and two times until she could practically recite the whole thing by heart, even now. But why did a cheesy, badly-filmed romance flick have to apply to her current situation? It was simply too much right now. She stared up at the ceiling, blinking back tears and unable to do more than that. Her body was frozen in time, her mind speeding ahead without restraint. She was in hell.
24 hours earlier
Kate wasn't having a good day. It was just one of those days when everything went wrong at once. First she overslept, and then she spilled hot coffee all over herself, making her even later for work as she had to change into fresh clothes and try to rinse as much coffee off the old ones as she could so as to prevent the stain from setting. After that, she'd spilled her fresh cup of coffee. On Gibbs. Great. It really just got worse from there; chasing suspects through backyards and over fences, dealing with irritating DiNozzo and Gibbs's foul mood, and then getting stood up for her date tonight. She had gone home to change, only to find a blinking light on her answering machine accompanied by another lame excuse for why Steve (or whatever his name was) couldn't show up tonight. So she'd forgone the little black dress in favour of jeans and a crisp white cotton blouse, and headed out on her own, looking for a place where she could lose herself without anyone trying to bring her back.
Present time.
They didn't realize how much she dreaded seeing them. They were trying to be nice, trying to be supportive, trying to comfort her, trying to be the family they were. But she didn't want her family right now. She was too ashamed. The mantra ran through her head on a loop whenever they were there with her.
Don't let them see how scared you are. Don't let them see how much it hurts. Don't let them find out how much you wish you could just die right now. Don't let them see the dead look in your eye. Be strong, don't let them know how weak you are. Don't let them hurt with you.
She could barely speak to them. Ducky and Abby were determinedly cheerful and talkative, while McGee just watched her in sad silence accompanied by weak smiles, and not even DiNozzo could find the words to tell her how scared he was for her.
Don't let him see your fear.
Gibbs only visited once, staying for a few brief moments of awkward conversation, and she couldn't look him in the eye during the whole thing. She knew the others would have relayed her anesthetic-induced words. After everything he'd taught her, after everything she'd done to earn his respect, here she was, weak and helpless and broken in front of him.
Her shattered pride laid bare for all to see, her crushed ego and her fragile emotions were as obvious to friend, family, and stranger alike, as her broken body was.
She would be lucky to move again. Lucky to ever leave this hospital, and she would never be an agent again. She would never fight, she would never run, she would never be able to do anything more than what she could do from a wheelchair or a walker again.
22 hours earlier.
She sat at the bar, not particularly interested in the drink she'd ordered. She hadn't touched it yet and she didn't really intend to, even though she'd come here to get drunk and lost for a while. She sighed and gestured to the bartender to bring her the tab so she could pay and get out. She would go home and drown her mind in ice cream and mindless, fluffy movies instead. Maybe set aside a little fantasy time after so that she could properly prepare for embarrassing herself in front of Gibbs tomorrow. That one about the two of them in the Bahamas might be nice. Or the one where he had a possessive streak, that would be very nice tonight when she wanted nothing more than to be loved and wanted by somebody. She rubbed her forehead tiredly, handing over a credit card as she glanced at the bill quickly. The bartender swiped the card and handed it back to her, and she pocketed it, preparing to head out.
Present time.
She didn't want to see them, her mother, her brothers and her sister. She wanted them to leave too. She'd been her father's princess, but she and her mother and sister had always had a tense relationship. Kate and Hannah were competitive, constantly holding themselves up to the other and constantly trying to one up the other.
Kate and her mother... Well, that was a story that would never, could never, end well. Hannah was the good little Catholic daughter, the one who got a good job and a good husband and then quit said good job when the baby arrived in order to become the stereotypical soccer-mom. Catherine had been...disappointed would be an understatement...when her youngest daughter turned out to be as wild and rambunctious as her father and brothers, and even more disapproving with every passing birthday candle that Kate still didn't have a steady boyfriend, let alone a husband who would reign her in and calm her down. Catherine had never liked that Kate had chosen to become a secret service agent, although she'd grudgingly come around to the idea, and she'd been absolutely furious when Kate quit that job in favour of working for some government agency that no one had ever even heard of.
Her brothers she at least got along with, but she still felt the tang of condescension from them because she was only a girl trying to do such big things, not a man who actually could. She knew that everyone in her family took this disaster as proof that she'd made a mistake, that she should've married the young lawyer who'd proposed to her in college and given them beautiful babies to coddle and play with, even though she knew very well that if she'd done that, she'd have wound up sleeping in an empty bed while the man she didn't love was out with whatever woman he wanted to be with. In their minds, she'd failed in her duties as a woman and a daughter, and this was her punishment. She wished her father was here, the one who'd encouraged a little girl's big dreams, the one who had told her that if she wanted to get anywhere in this world, she'd damn well better not rely on any man to get her there. She was better than any man could make her, and she would be his pride and joy as she chased her dreams. But her father was gone now, had been for a long time, and now she could feel her family's pity as they prayed together for their precious little Katie to heal so she could have another chance at the life she'd chosen not to have.
22 hours earlier.
She was just standing up after paying the bartender when she saw the fight break out. It was between two men, one of them bulky and tattooed, and the other trim and surfer-boyish. The young woman sitting on the barstool nearby was grinning and Kate had a feeling that she knew what the two men were fighting over. The bartender rolled his eyes and went over to stop the fight, but the surfer boy ducked just as the biker threw a bottle at him and the bottle hit the bartender in the head. The man crumpled instantly and all hell broke loose. Kate jumped to her feet along with a few other patrons, but whereas most of them hurried for the door, she pulled out her Sig and slipped through the chaos of people trying to egg on the fight or avoid it. "Hey, break it up!" she yelled, glaring at the men who were trying to encourage the fight. "Let's not do anything stupid, shall we? Federal Officer!"
That had clearly been the wrong thing to say, because the biker in the fight instantly whirled on her with a snarl. "I hate cops!" he growled, lunging at her. Kate fired three rounds into his shoulder. Her goal wasn't to kill obviously, just end the danger to herself and others, but the biker's friends didn't take too kindly to his being shot. The surfer boy grabbed his girlfriend and ducked away without even bothering to thank the agent who had probably saved his life as six burly men jumped to their feet and began to stalk towards her.
"Shit." Muttered Kate, letting go of her gun with one hand to fumble in her pocket for a cell phone. She dialed 911 quickly and tucked the phone between her ear and her shoulder as she reassessed the situation. She held her gun steady, aiming at the four men of the original six that she could still see and prayed to God that someone would pick up soon. When they did, she spoke quickly, trying to say as much as she could as clearly as possible. "This is Special Agent Katelyn Todd and I'm at..." but that was as far as she got before pain exploded in her body and she heard screams erupt in the bar. She knew one of them was hers, but for some reason she couldn't distinguish it from the others. She couldn't feel anything, but she could see that she was falling. The floor was rushing up to meet her, and she couldn't speak, and then sparks burst into her vision as her head collided with a solid brick wall and everything went dark.
One hour later.
She woke up for just a moment, and Tony was there, his normally buoyant manner overcome with seriousness. He was talking rapidly to someone else, too rapidly for her brain to process. But then she groaned softly, and his attention was fully locked on her as he gazed at her helplessly. "Katie! How're you feeling honey?" he asked solicitously.
"Hurts." She whimpered, trying to reach out to him but unable to make her arm work. "Where's Gibbs?"
"He's coming, Katie-girl, he'll be here real soon." Promised Tony.
"I screwed up." She murmured, falling quickly back into the darkness. "He's gonna be real mad."
"No, Katie, he'd never be." Tony shook his head decidedly. He'd kill Gibbs himself if the older agent had the idiocy to be mad at Kate right now. "He's just worried about you. We all care about you, Kate, we're all worried."
"Gibbs doesn't care." She disagreed, not bothering to let Tony speak even though he opened his mouth to protest. "He doesn't. I love him, but he doesn't care. He's just gonna be mad that I screwed up again, just like with Susanne." And with that last comment, she was gone again.
Tony continued to gaze at her miserably, even after her lids had closed over those honey-toned eyes. "He loves you too, sweetie." He promised sadly, knowing it didn't matter what he said now. "He's just too scared to admit it."
Present time.
A bullet lodged in her spine. They couldn't risk surgery until she was more stable, but the longer the bullet stayed there, the less of a chance she would have of being able to move again. Her coworkers rarely went home these days, merely commuting between Bethesda naval hospital where she'd been transferred and the NCIS headquarters building across the Navy Yard. Her various siblings and their respective spouses stopped by regularly, as did her mother, but they didn't provide her much comfort. They generally spoke to her of having faith in God to heal her broken system and of the weather. She wasn't kidding or exaggerating. None of her family was comfortable talking about anything deeper than the weather with her. The only visit she'd actually enjoyed was when her mother had come in during one of Abby's visits. Catherine had been so flustered by the young Goth, that she'd left more quickly than usual and hadn't even bothered to bring up how Kate needed to let the nurses admit the family's minister friend the way she usually did. It had been entertaining to see how uncomfortable Catherine had been, but aside from that, Kate looked forward to being alone.
No one understood that, none of them knew how much she just wanted to be alone. They all thought that she needed to be kept company or she would get depressed. And that's how she'd ended up alone with her oldest brother now.
"Michelle and David made this for you, Katelyn." He told her, holding the picture out for her to see. Kate couldn't help smiling softly, but then she caught sight of her fingers, curled loosely by her sides, and the smile cooled just a little. James failed to notice. "They're doing really well in their classes, and Michelle's starting ballet this fall."
"That's nice, James." Murmured Kate, praying he would leave soon.
"You're going to be fine honey." Promised James. "We're all here for you, even those people you work with, Anthony, Timothy, Dr. Mallard, and Abby."
"You're forgetting someone on that list." Sighed Kate.
"You mean Steven?" frowned James, not pleased. Kate's 'boyfriend' had become conveniently unavailable since her accident, and she knew he was long gone. (Good riddance.) But that hadn't been who she meant at all. "He's not worth it, Katelyn, not if he would ignore you when you need his support the most."
"I'm not getting better James." She replied softly. "I'm not going to get better. I'm going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll be able to walk again, or at least get around in a wheel chair, but I won't be able to do any of the things I love anymore. No more fighting, no more NCIS, no more runs, just deskwork at some accounting office if I'm lucky."
"Maybe it's for the best." Offered James. "I mean, it's not like it was good for you, being a federal agent, it's not something you could do all your life anyway. Maybe now you can work on doing something new and better with your life."
"Oh, just give it a rest!" Snapped Kate, shocking her brother. "I'm sick of it, all this bullshit about how I should just be some pretty little airheaded wife of a doctor or a...a lawyer or something! How all this is just God's way of telling me I've been wasting my life all this time! Well, let me tell you something, James, God put some sick people on this earth, and He put me on it, and I'm damn proud to have spent the last four years taking out all His mistakes, and if He's going to punish me for that, then I don't want anything to do with Him or His stupid rules!"
James was stunned by her outburst, but he collected himself quickly, patting her arm. "You don't mean that, Katelyn," He soothed. "You're just having a hard time right now, but it'll all pass."
"Don't touch me!" She spat, tears spilling down her cheeks as she did her best to turn her head away from him. She couldn't feel his hand on her arm, and seeing it there was twisting her mind and making her sick.
He seemed to realize that his touch was more disturbing than comforting and she heard his voice, softer than usual. "We all handle things differently Kitty Kat." He said quietly, his voice breaking a little. "And none of us could bear to lose you." She instantly felt guilty for yelling at him, and struggled to turn her head back in time. "Bye, Kate honey, I'll see you later." By the time she'd managed to get her head facing the right way, he was already gone, around the corner of the hallway. Silent tears coursed down her cheeks and she closed her eyes desperately.
Kill me now, she prayed to the ceiling, please just kill me now.
James knew very well that he'd left someone on his 'coworkers' list out, and he didn't care to change that fact anymore than he cared to admit to his little sister that he knew. Maybe he hadn't believed Kate would do well as a federal agent in the beginning, but she'd quickly proved him wrong and now he was proud of her, as were most everyone else in the family, it was just that none of them would allow themselves to admit it. But the point was, he knew about Gibbs. They all knew about Gibbs. They all knew about the boss that made Kate's heart spin and her relationships fail, and they were all just waiting for the day that she would admit it to herself so that she could be happy and not keep trying to love men who everyone knew she never could. He'd been conveniently missing as well, although admittedly, James knew it was probably for different reasons.
Speak of the devil, he thought to himself grimly, he's finally shown up. Gibbs was hovering in the corridor, looking nervous and confused, like he didn't know if he should be here, like he didn't know if he could be here. James stalked right up to the older man, fury and hurt coursing through his veins and rushing in his ears. He needed someone to blame for this, needed to hold someone responsible for his baby sister's struggle, and right now, this stupid SOB was gonna have to do.
"I hope you're happy!" he snarled at Gibbs, fire in his eyes as he towered over the man, six foot eight to six foot five, but the gap somehow looked a lot bigger right now. "She was perfectly well off before you showed up in her life and had to give her a taste for danger! She had a great career, a brilliant life ahead of her, and now look what's happened! You got her hooked on all that thrill-seeker shit you people do, and now she might never walk again! She's turned away from God when she needs Him most, and it's all because of you fucking Navy cops!"
"I only offered her the job, James." Said Gibbs tiredly. For once in his life, he wasn't looking for a fight, he wasn't seeking the adrenaline high that had been his life-blood for almost twenty years. "She didn't have to take it, she chose to."
"Like hell she didn't have to!" Seethed James. "She already had to quit because of all that shit you stirred up around her, and she's too hot-tempered to sit at a desk. She's thirty years old, and her life is over!"
"I've seen lives ended earlier and more thoroughly!" snapped Gibbs.
"Oh, so that's supposed to be her consolation?" demanded James, eyes flashing in a way that reminded Gibbs of the way Kate's used to, the way he feared they never would again. "That she could actually be dead? Or that she could be younger? That's rich, Gibbs, that's just rich." He shook his head, disgustedly. "I hope you realize just how much you owe her for causing this. I hope you realize how much pain she's in."
"They said she couldn't feel anything." Gibbs forced out, feeling like he'd been punched in the gut. She was in pain? God, he would do anything, give anything, to take that pain away from his precious Katie, except she wasn't his and after this he'd completely blown his chances.
"Emotionally." Clarified James disparagingly. "Like you would know anything about that, heartless jackass." And without even giving Gibbs a chance to reply, he strode away, exuding anger and loss. Gibbs stood, frozen and gaping like a fish out of water, still trying to restart his heart after the scare he'd been given. He did know emotional pain, although none of his friends or coworkers knew that, and the thought of Katie Todd experiencing anything like what he'd gone through was hellish beyond belief.
He forced himself to walk towards the glass wall where curtains shielded his agent from curious eyes and stopped outside the door, swallowing tensely. He gathered his strength and pushed the door open, stepping inside.
Kate lay on the bed, her head turned away from the door, soft sobs choking in her throat. His heart broke to see it, and he moved over to her side quickly. He knew better at least than to touch any part of her body that was frozen and unfeeling, brushing back a lock of dark brown hair from her forehead instead. The noises stopped and she turned her head to see who was there, her eyes widening slightly to see her boss there. "Gibbs, I...I didn't...aw, shit." She muttered, closing her eyes briefly in exhaustion.
"I'm so sorry Katie." He said quietly, letting his hand rest on top of her head gently, and honestly, she appreciated the gesture, if only because he was conscious enough of her situation to only touch the one part of her body that could still feel the weight of his hand.
"What d'you have to feel sorry for?" she asked, somewhat bitterly. "I'm the one that screwed up."
But he shook his head. "You didn't screw up Kate, you couldn't have known what was going to happen, and you did everything the way you were supposed to. It's not your fault that things went the way they did. And as for why I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I haven't been here more. I should've been, I should've come to see you more. I...I've been really worried about you." He admitted softly, scowling down at his toes. He wasn't sure what was causing these admissions, but for some reason he couldn't stop. "And I was scared you wouldn't be you when I came."
Kate stared at him in shock, struggling to form words. "Did you just admit to being scared, Gibbs?" she asked finally.
His frown deepened and he scuffed his foot along the shining white floor in annoyance. "Yes." he answered gruffly.
"You've been scared and worried?" she clarified and he nodded. "For me?"
He glanced at her, something odd in his eyes. "I was scared for you, Katie." He agreed softly. "I was scared to see you hurt."
"I was scared too." She murmured, offering him a weak smile. "I am scared actually." She corrected herself, turning her eyes up to the ceiling in order to escape from his ice blue gaze that was twisting her heart in knots. "I'm really scared Gibbs. You've gotta promise me that I'm gonna walk again." She begged. "I need to know that I'm gonna walk again."
"You're going to walk again, Kate." He promised firmly. "I know you will."
He stopped by more often now. Most days, he spent his lunch break with her, the only exception being the days where he worked through his lunch break. She wasn't entirely sure whether it was better this way or not, wasn't sure that she preferred having to act cheerful and happy for him over not seeing him at all. But somehow, every time he came, she stopped trying to figure it out, she just let herself be grateful for his care. Every now and then, he would let down his boundaries far enough for her to see how worried he was, and she would take down her walls and offer him the same trust.