Go to the Mirror, Boy

20th Century Boys

Notes: There may be some inaccuracies, and for that I apologize; I think these subplots in particular left a lot open to interpretation because very little was clarified, and I found it interesting enough to try to explore myself. Anyway, it's supposed to be a bit convoluted as it's a POV piece, but hopefully not too difficult to follow! (No more than the manga itself I'd imagine.)

I always thought that you knew.

Fukubei looked at himself in the mirror, running his fingers along his cheeks to test for flaws. His skin was smooth, but nothing like the blank nothing he always feared seeing.

He hated mirrors, and hid his face when he passed them. He hated seeing those ghosts reflected back at him, the impersonator that tried to wear his face over their own mutable one.

"Who are you?"

There were two ghosts. That much he knew. They looked the same and hid their faces, turned to nothing after they died. That's all they were: nothing. Why wouldn't they leave him alone?

They wandered, following him and Yamane; if it wasn't one, it was the other. Sadakiyo may have come back from the dead, but he hadn't really been dead. Fukubei knew that. Fukubei had been the one to decide Sadakiyo's fate, and the boy had been reduced to nothing but a faceless wanderer all the same. He'd deserved it, but

Who was the other one?

Yamane didn't believe him when Fukubei told him he thought there were two. He could tell. He always knew when someone was lying to him.

"I had a dream. Both of you were in it. Both of you were in our classroom. And…you…" Sadakiyo had pointed to Yamane. "Killed you." And then he'd pointed to Fukubei.

"Stop messing around," Yamane had said. "Since when did you start talking to us like that?"

Fukubei knew why. But he didn't know how. He didn't know who. It was a feeling he couldn't prove, something he knew to be a trick. Not one of his tricks, miracles in disguise; a real trick. A trick on him: the worst kind. He felt heat throb in his knuckles and ears, keeping an eye on the boy in the mask. Sadakiyo or not. Sadakiyo or someone else. Sadakiyo or…

(The mirror stared back at him, smooth flesh round like an egg.)

Or a reflection.

Fukubei hid behind a mask, like a ghost, but the haunting didn't stop. He felt the weight of them at all times. The threat of seeing that ghost in the mirror always loomed, like a mockery of the ESP he never really had. Something looming in his future, a reflection of himself that was somehow greater but still fake, cracked at the edges in its imperfection.

It just had to be a trick.

A game...

The kid was on the ground, sobbing. He was accused of stealing a badge from the Jijibaba shop, his mask torn off him; he'd dived, protecting his lack of identity as if it'd be sucked away from him the moment daylight touched his face. Fukubei didn't want to see his face. Would he see nothing, a big blank slab of skin where a face should be? Would it be his own face?

Or…

"You died today," Fukubei said. The boy cried into the dirt, and Fukubei and Yamane stepped over him. He'd see him again, in the mirror; Fukubei was sure of it. He didn't know for sure that there were two of them, and yet he did. He knew Sadakiyo better than anyone. He had made sure himself that Sadakiyo never made him angry, and Sadakiyo wouldn't joke about Yamane killing him.

He wouldn't, or Fukubei would banish him. Sadakiyo knew that.

It was him. The other ghost. Fukubei did what he could to kill him again, fight tricks with tricks. Ghosts weren't really real. It was just kids fucking around. It was some other kid wearing Sadakiyo's mask, just like Fukubei had done the summer of 1970. They weren't really ghosts, it was just a game…

But why, why was that kid always in his mirror? Fukubei knew it was him. He could feel the recognition staring back at him whenever the eyes of that mask bore into him, like his own eyes reflected back.

Don't you know who I am?

A miracle will happen in the Science room. "He will die, and come back to life." Sadakiyo and Yamane would be witnesses. It was Sadakiyo, wasn't it?

Or was it a trick?

What really happened when you died? If no one knew who you were, could you keep on living? Fukubei counted on living forever. He cast aside his name and let others cast aside his face; death could take nothing away from him. He was a boy born from illusions turned miracles; he needed everyone and no one. They needed him.

He broke all his mirrors, but still he knew he wasn't alone.

Don't you know who I am?