Take place in AOS – Please remember that English is NOT my first language, so be gentle with the poor diversity of word and any grammatical/orthographic errors, I do my best. that's not an excuse just an explanation ^^
Mccoy is shaking in his quarter on Yorktown. He can't stop thinking about Altamid. He lost something there, something important. He's a doctor, but on Altamid he wasn't. He value life most than anything, he didn't become a doctor for nothing. He loves being able to save people. His teachers always told him to continue in research only because is was terribly good at it. But it was too far from what he wanted. He wanted to be able to make the difference. Save a life. Fight the death and the sickness from his patients. He was good at it.
Yes people have die around him, he can't save everybody he now that, sometime it's to late, and it's ok. But he never killed someone, well until Altamid. He know he had to protect the crew from their enemies. But take a phaser and shoot ? He can't believe he did it. It was against everything he was. He hated phasers and weapons, even in training it was a chore. The worst is maybe he was good at it, he didn't miss his target often.
But a doctor don't kill, a doctor save and protect. And protect does not included killing for it, in any way. The end does not justify the means. But he did it. He took a phaser and killed the enemies he can. How can he call himself a doctor again after that ?
He lost himself on the planet. He hate himself for it. He wasn't strong enough. No matter the lives, you don't take it with your own hands. But he did.
Jim enter in his quarter. He don't want to see him, talk to him, care about him, he just want to look at the broken pieces he had becomes. But Jim get close to him, embrasse him from behind and he don't have the strength for protest. And Jim whisper soft words to his ears. Tell him he's good, but he's not. Tell him he did right, but he haven't. Tell him he's a doctor, but he's a killer now. And he shake in his strong arms but Jim don't let him off.
He begin to tell him all the names of the patients he saved, well the ones he knows at least, whiles he kiss and rub his nose gently on his neck, head and shoulders. The names are empty, they mean nothing anymore. But the list is endless.
« You saved James Tiberius Kirk ! » It's the last name of the list of Jim.
The name resonates in his head and he begin to cry.
« You're a doctor Bones, not a killer. »
« Yes I am. » He sob.
« No you're not. You did it because you have to do it. And I'm sorry because I put you in this situation. »
« No you haven't. »
« Yes I did, when I asked you to be my CMO at the academy. You're here because of me. »
« It's not an excuse for what I did. »
« No, but the blood you think you have on your hands are in fact on mines. »
« What ? »
« You're not a killer, I take you into space, and I will take every blood on your hands on mine. It's my responsability. Because if I wasn't there, you will not be on the Enterprise. So it's my fault. »
« It doesn't work that way. »
« It work the way we want it to work. My doctor is not a killer, my doctor is a doctor. »
Mccoy cry again.
« You remember when you took me on the Enterprise ? You didn't let me on earth, you take me with you. You cheated for it. I'm a good teacher apparently, »He laugh. « Well, just think of the fact that if you hadn't. If you had let me on earth at this moment, many more people would have been dead. Nero would have destroy the earth and all the others planets of the federation until someone stop him. »
Jim rub the eyes of Mccoy to dry his tears.
« Do you realize that I wasn't the one who saved the day ? It was you Bones. You saved the day. If the fact that you watching me, who love space, being stuck on earth whiles you, who hate space, goes in space wasn't so wrong for you, Earth would not exist anymore, and all the people on it, and all the people who are going to born on it would not exist anymore. If you hadn't take me on the Enterprise I could probably never saved the day, so you saved the day only by that. »
Mccoy turn to face Jim and hug him.
« You killed today, but it's nothing in face of all the people you saved, and you will save many more people. Because you're a doctor, not a killer. I believe in you. »
Mccoy nob. Jim kiss him gently and touch his hair before slide on his neck.
« I love you. » Jim say.
« I love you too. » He gasps.
« You did nothing wrong, sometime protect means kill. You kill the bacteria and viruses and parasites and whatever else that make your patients sick. It's not so different. And it's not wrong. And I'm proud of you. »
« How ? »
« Because you was standing there, angry with a phaser on your hand protecting the crew until Scotty can beam all of you. You was standing here, leaving your values to try to make the difference. It was hard for you, I know it, but you did it, I'm proud of you. »
« How can you still love me after that ? I'm not the same anymore. »
« I will always accept the better and the worse of you, no matter what. You didn't change, you didn't really change and I love you and I will love you, no matter what. »
Bones kiss him and Jim is willing to respond he keep him hard on his arms, trying to show him love and acceptance.
« I didn't save the entire Earth. »
« Of course you did idiot, and you should have a fucking name engrave everywhere, and roads named after you. »
Mccoy laughs. Jim smiles, he prefers that sound, he hug him even stronger.
Maybe it doesn't pass that day, and not the day after, but everytime Mccoy forget he's a doctor, Jim is there to remind him the truth.
End.