DISCLAIMER: 'Naruto' is not mine, that happy honour belongs to Kishimoto Masashi!

OK, I am submitting this for the second time, since it got removed for some reason …

Chapter One: The Arrival of Itachi

Don't ask me what I'm doing. I am crouched down in the garden, looking at the grass.

"Ooh! Ants," I am smiling like an idiot and poking at an ant.

I think I drank too much of that stuff. Well it's all his fault.

Let me explain …

I was – innocently – sitting on the couch, drawing.

Then the doorbell rings.

Now who can that be, I think to myself as I get up off the cosy couch and go to answer the door.

I open the door.

"GAAAAAAH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE AGAIN, YOU BASTARD!"

(The Bastard clicks his tongue in a super annoying way)

"And is that how you greet your family, you little runt? Well, you need to learn some manners, don't you? Tsk-tsk-tsk." The guy sounds as if he's talking to a toddler.

I am speechless. My face is most probably going red. My eyes are slits. My teeth are clenched.

"Get out."

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"YES!"

"NO."

"After what you did?"

A blank bewildered look. "Huh? What'd I do?"

Teeth clenched. I mutter indistinctly. "To my Poopsie Woodle …"

Uchiha Itachi grins.

"Ah yes, I remember that very well." Begins reminiscing …

Sasuke is four years old. He had just returned from PreSchool, and has opened the door. Itachi comes skittering up, grinning all over his face and humming.

"Hello Sasuke! How are ya?" He whips Sasuke's jacket off, throws it over the hook and starts leading Sasuke down the corridor. "Well, little friend, I have made a special cake for you! It smells REALLY YUM! And it's just for YOU!"

Itachi scowls to himself. How dare the twerp draw Telly Tubbies all over my latest copy of 'Akatsuki in the Moonlight'! He knows I love them so much! REVENGE AT LAST LITTLE FRIEND!

He teeters to the hall, pulls out Sasuke's chair and with a swoop of his hand invites him to sit after piling four cushions on top. He tied the bib around Sasuke's neck, and then hurriedly retrieved the cake from the bench.

"Close your eyes!" Itachi calls in a singsong voice.

Sasuke covered his eyes with his chubby fingers. Itachi sets the golden cake down in front of Sasuke, smiling horrendously.

"Open!"

Sasuke opens his eyes and stares at the giant cake. Itachi chuckles to himself.

Sasuke's eyes begin to sparkle. His mouth starts watering.

"YAY!"

He bites a chunk out of the cake. There is a tremendous crack.

"YOW!"

Sasuke spits out the mouthful, and examines the hard object in his hand. It was a little toy hand.

"Oh," Itachi grins. "It's just like a Christmas cake. There are in-ter-est-ing things in the cakey-wakey."

Sasuke blinks at the object. "I've seen this somewhere!" He squeaks. Then he shrugs and continues.

After a little while Sasuke has unmasked an arm, leg, cushiony neck, a band full of hair, and an eyeball. Like he said, he'd seen it somewhere.

He sees another object sticking out of the creamy golden background. He yanks it out with his chubby fingers.

It was a toy's head.

"YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Itachi steps back, grinning.

Sasuke starts crying.

"You killed my Poopsie Woodle! I'm dobbing!"

He starts yelling and screaming and pounding the table.

Oops, Itachi raised his eyebrows. It wasn't meant to turn out like this.

"Now, you – yes, YOU – have been a very naughty little boy haven't you? Mmmm? Now, tell Big Brother what you were doing to his Akatsuki book."

Sasuke rubs his eyes, looks up at Itachi, slips out of the chair and kicks him in the shins.

"BAD BOY!" He shrills. Itachi winces in pain, sinking backwards slightly, his leg throbbing.

"BAD BOY! BAD BAD BAD BAD ITACHI!"

"Sasuke! Now stop! Yowwww! That hurts! Now if little Sasuke doesn't stop hitting then the Big Green Mean Itachi will murder Poopsie Woodle's Pet-Purry Furry Poopit!"

Sasuke immediately stops.

"I'll be a god boy," He squeaks to Itachi. "I promise I'll be VEEEEERRRYYYY good! Let's be friends now!"

Itachi grins evilly. That runt better keep his promise, he thought, or guess who'll be in the cake next time?

Itachi grinned to himself. Oh, that was excellent, he thought. For the rest of that month I got the brat to do whatever I wanted just by bribing. Ahhhh, I only had to relax.

I stared at the dreaming idiot.

"I'll give you till three to get out of the bloody doorway. One, Two-"

He sticks his nose in the air, lugs his suitcase probably overflowing with Akatsuki banners and flags (and really heavy things) at me, knocking me flat against the door, and stomps down the hall. I am practically dying. I've got a sharp pain in my gut, and my eyes are watering big time.

"Shit!"

Gosh, how strong is this guy anyway?

I stood there, doubled over in pain, for what seems like 10 years until I could stand up properly. Then I stood there, thinking about what that jerk was doing to my house. I staggered down the corridor following his footprints on the timber floor, one hand clutching my stomach, the other dragging his suitcase.

Holy God dammit, I thought furiously. This jerk is SO not going to stay in my house. If he does he's paying for everything. Plus whatever he's broken already. Or will in the next couple of minutes …

CRASH!

I shouldn't have thought too soon.

The jerk's upstairs already?

I drop the suitcase and bound up the stairs two at a time. I reach the top and pause. Everything is really quiet. That damn jerk is in hiding …

"Hey you, Itachi! I swear man, if you don't come out, you coward, I'll-"

At that very moment there was a sound of shattering glass somewhere on my left. It gave me such a shock I nearly fell back down the stairs. I held the railing for support, my heart thudding. Then I bolted towards the sound.

I peeked in every room, searching for a giant mess anywhere. For about a couple of seconds I was ducking in and out of rooms, my heart racing. That guy better not have done anything. If he had-

I'd just reached my room.

And I gasped.

The balcony glass had smashed; glass was lying around the billowing white curtains, glittering.

I just stood there, staring.

Suddenly I had an idea.

I hurried over to the balcony. Was the guy trying to kill himself or something?

I carefully dodged the glass, and stared out at the garden. There was no sign of life down there, anyhow. It was a rather creepy silence, like I didn't know where he was hiding. I retreated back to the opening of the balcony, being careful not to stomp on the glass.

I called out carefully and loudly.

"If you don't quit it Itachi I'll burn your Akatsuki banner!"

There was a sudden rush behind me and before I could turn I was flying towards the balcony, at least 200k's per second. I slammed against the balcony railing, and doubled over it, my eyes almost bulging, feeling as if I was gonna plummet to the ground below and die. My heart thudded, my stomach throbbed uncontrollably. Then two strong arms spun me around. I quickly took in the person.

It was him.

"Don't even think about it!" He spoke in such a squeak I thought he'd swallowed the helium in the left-over balloons from Uzumaki Naruto's party. Then I looked at his eyes.

He was shocked.

"You didn't, did you?" He whispered in a deadly voice. Then he shook me big time. I felt my head roll about, to and fro, till I sank to my knees.

"No I didn't!" I protested. "I was just kiddin' man! I wouldn't! I'd like to live a little longer, if you know what I mean!"

Itachi looked at me sideways. "Promise?"

I nodded vigorously, climbing to my feet and clinging on the railing.

When I'd finally got my breath back I looked sideways at him. The jerk. I felt a sudden urge to argue with him, I didn't know why. I just had to see him go all red.

I put my head to one side.

"Why do you wear that hideous cloak?" I asked him, eyeing the long black cloak with the red spots. Trouble was, I reckoned it looked cool – really cool. Not on him, though.

I smirked and had another go.

"Gosh, Akatsuki sucks. The uniforms are just awful."

"It doesn't!" Itachi was bristling up at the very insult of his precious club, like a territorial cat.

"The outfits are so cool! Especially if you're sexy and have a ponytail." He raised his ponytail, showing off as if he were the coolest thing.

I sniggered. Well he wasn't.

"You look like a girl," I said boredly, sitting on the bed. "Honestly, can't they find you a decent tracksuit or something? Something you can actually walk in? Well, walk PROPERLY in? Oh well." I watched him as he turned from the balcony and glared at me. Then he started hollering.

"ARE YOU IMPLYING SOMETHING, BRAT?"

I tried to look completely innocent. "No. Not really."

I swear, if looks could kill...

He yawned slightly, looking terrifically bored all of a sudden, and turned back to me. "I'm hungry."

I blinked at the sudden change in mood. "Really?"

"Yeah."

I smirked again. "Well, the pet shop's still open. Ooh, the Cat Crunches are pretty cheap. You can get some you know."

He gave me a withering look. "Very funny." He turned and stalked down the corridor. I hurried after him to make sure he didn't do anything.

Uh oh¸ I thought as I saw him head towards the stairs …

"Uh, what are you doing?"

"I'm gonna cook something."

"What! Hey!"

I jumped in front of him. He wasn't gonna get away that easily.

"Um, I kind of, well, I'm renovating."

"Yeah right, you just don't want me to blow up your kitchen."

"Whoa, how'd you guess? You must be psychic, man!" I said that in my most sarcastic voice, especially reserved for annoying brothers.

He just glared at me, shoved me aside and continued down the stairs. I collided hard with the wall and had just enough time to throw my legs over the stair railing, leapt and ended up crouched in front of Itachi, about to be stomped on by his huge feet. He paused, foot in mid air. I stood up and held my arms on other side of me.

He raised his eyebrow in a scornful smirk.

"You look like a bloody cheerleader, move it!"

"Yeah you'd know." I retorted.

"Very funny. Now move your ass so I can cook something."

"I'll make it!" I said brightly.

"You can cook?" Itachi again raised his eyebrow. So irritating!

"Err, yeah!" Well, within reason. I wasn't gonna tell the jerk that I'd been learning from a copy of 'Fantastic Foods' ever since my parents went on that darn world trip …

He scoffed at me and shoving me aside, and stomped into the kitchen.

He reached under the sink cupboard – and pulled out MY apron!

Jerk, how'd he know where it was?

He tied the sides of the apron around himself then turned to face me, rubbing his hands.

"Let's get started."

Bad sign.