Immersed
Summary: Hiccup, overwhelmed by his many duties as chief, is encouraged by his wife Astrid to take a day off and relax. But when has a Viking ever experienced undisturbed recreation? Oneshot. Contains spoilers for How To Train Your Dragon 2.
Rating: T
Author's Note: This turned out to be a pretty long oneshot, so grab some yaknog and sit tight!
Luminous beams of midmorning sunlight streamed through the narrow windows of a small wooden shack, illuminating its inhabitants. Hiccup sat stooped over a desk littered with countless pieces of parchment and loosely bound books, focusing intently on a particularly large volume of scribbles. The young slender chief found great use in the small study he had recently constructed onto the back of his house, filling it with copious notes of new dragons and blueprints for inventions. Plastered on the walls were many fragments of maps, combining to depict a vast ocean of dragon-infested islands. The expansive map had been unhappily neglected for quite a while, for Hiccup's new role as chief had absorbed most of his time. The remainder of his time was distributed between his beautiful wife Astrid and his best friend Toothless, two beings he could never ignore.
While Hiccup enclosed himself in his study for many different reasons, he was currently immersed in administrative matters, researching a solution to another ridiculous dilemma. Every day that passed since he became chief of Berk increased his respect for his late father, Stoick the Vast. One of the many unpleasant duties of a chief was arbitration, which meant attempting to settle disputes between the most obstinate folk in the world. Hiccup could only wonder how his father had borne that obligation with such unwavering resolve. Seemingly trivial quarrels thoroughly tried Hiccup's patience and ingenuity.
The Viking's concentration was too intense to be easily interrupted, even when the door opened with a loud creek. However, the delicious odor that drifted into his study, accompanied by the sweet voice of his wife, proved capable of breaking his absorption. Tearing his eyes away from his work, he was greeted with the welcome sight of Astrid holding a tray of food.
"Hey babe, I brought you some lunch," Astrid said, setting down a plate of grilled cod and boiled potatoes on top of his desk.
Hiccup's stomach automatically growled, pleading for some nourishment. His brain, however, rejected the appetizing morsels. "Thanks, Astrid, but I really can't take a break right now," he replied with regret, thoroughly wishing he could immediately accept his wife's considerate present. "I've just got too much to do."
These words weren't new to Astrid; many times in the past few weeks Hiccup had neglected eating when engaged in his study or in the village, faithfully performing his role as chief. As his wife, Astrid assisted him in every possible way, but a considerable amount of work still remained for Hiccup to tackle. Although she admired Hiccup's determination and diligence, the rings around his eyes told of exhaustion, worrying her. Perpetual labor wasn't beneficial for anyone, even a Viking. Taking a seat on the corner of his desk, Astrid asked, "Okay, well what work do you have to do? Maybe I can help you finish it faster."
Without tearing his eyes away from the tawny pages of his book, Hiccup replied, "No, you do too much for me already, dear. Taking care of Toothless is enough work."
Astrid responded with a chuckle. "It's not work, Hiccup, and you know that!" Although the Night Fury was quite demanding of attention, he was certainly a joy to ride. Every morning and evening when Hiccup was overwhelmed with duties, Astrid would take the dragon for a brisk ride around the neighboring islands. Having completed the morning round, she was eager to assist her husband with other tasks. A frustrated groan from Hiccup as he rapidly turned the pages of his book prompted Astrid to further inquire into his current occupation. "What's troubling you?"
Heaving a discouraged sigh, Hiccup closed his book and tossed it onto a disorderly pile of similar looking volumes. "The villagers can't seem to get along!" he groaned, placing his head in his hands. "There's always some dispute! I solve one and another arises!"
"Well what can you expect? We're Vikings," Astrid observed lightheartedly. Another groan from Hiccup told her that that fact didn't provide much aid. "Who's arguing now?"
"Varg the Vicious and Haldor the Horrible," Hiccup replied, opening another decrepit book. "They're fighting over a Terrible Terror. Varg claims it's rightfully his, while Haldor swears Varg stole it from him!" Flipping through dusty pages, he continued. "I've tried every tactic I know, but neither will relent! Reasoning with them won't work! I even suggested we cut the dragon in half, hoping that the true owner would be horrified by that idea, but both of them whipped out their axes! I'm really stumped." The book in his possession, deemed useless, was thrown into the pile and a new one was retrieved. "I've been poring over my dad's chief logs, hoping to gain some insight. He's resolved so many issues, from 'your fence is on my land' to 'you stole my hook arm,' but I can't find anything similar to this!" His rapid, stressed words became softer as his eyes grew mournful. "I…I wish he were here…"
Although she had witnessed Hiccup fall into this grieving mood in the past, Astrid was never quite certain of how to comfort him. She could only imagine what acute pain he was still harboring from the loss of his father. After a few moments of respectful silence, she gently ventured a suggestion. "You've been very tense lately. Why not take the day off?"
Hiccup, whose eyes had been focused on his father's scribbles, raised his gaze to Astrid. His wife, with sparkling blue eyes and an especially tender smile, placed a warm hand on his. In the azure pools of Astrid's eyes swirled a radiant blend of love and concern, beckoning Hiccup to release his taxing burdens and partake in her mirth. His soul, wild and untamable, fervently urged him to spread his wings and fly, escaping everything that sought to cage him. However, his heart challenged those desires, reminding him of all his responsibilities as chief of Berk. Conflicted and hesitant, Hiccup replied with a sigh, "I can't. After I eventually figure this thing out, I need to oversee the expansion the stables, hold a meeting in the Great Hall, help Gobber out with an elaborate saddle, stop the twins from – "
Astrid, realizing that reasoning with words wasn't enough to liberate Hiccup from his burdens, decided upon a more effective method. As Hiccup had been rattling off his endless to-do list, she leaned over, grabbed his shirt collar, pulled him towards her, and deposited an especially persuasive kiss onto his lips. With very willing consent, Hiccup closed his eyes and returned the gesture, pulling her off the desk and onto his lap. Every obligation that impeded his restless soul was melted away by the fiery passion of his wife's adoration. Astrid felt her husband's body relax considerably as she wrapped him in a tender embrace, continuing the treatment until he felt like yak butter parfait in her arms. Much to Hiccup's disappointment, Astrid broke off the kiss to discern if his mind had been changed. "Come on, let's run away together…" she proposed, planting fairy-like kisses on his face. "…Just you, me, Toothless, and Stormfly…a relaxing day away from the island. What do you say?"
Hiccup required no further thought on this issue; his wife's caresses successfully convinced him. An invigorating sensation surged through his body at the anticipation of a mirthful, carefree day. "When do we leave?" he asked enthusiastically, his lips curving into a large, toothy grin.
Her mission complete, Astrid hopped off Hiccup's lap and headed for the door. "Just as soon as I pack some lunch and you saddle up the dragons!" With great pride in her success, she exited the study and was soon followed by her eager husband. The cluttered little room became quiet and still, an abandoned plate of fish and potatoes silently beckoning all the Terrible Terrors in the vicinity.
After Hiccup opened the front door of his house and stepped out, not another moment passed before Toothless gleefully pounced on him, knocking him to the ground. With a joyous coo, the Night Fury commenced soaking him in dragon saliva. "Whoa there, Bud!" the Viking laughed, trying to pry himself out of the overly enthusiastic dragon's grasp. "I haven't been away that long, have I?"
Toothless sat up, allowing his master to smooth his disheveled shirt and stand up. The dragon nodded in response, indicating his disapproval of Hiccup's absences. While he didn't mind Astrid riding him, for she always smelled sweeter than his master, he deeply missed spending countless hours with Hiccup. Although the Viking attempted many times to explain to Toothless why he was always occupied, the Night Fury could not or would not understand. In his mind, he still had ample free time after governing all the dragons on Berk. Surely Hiccup's job required less hours and effort than that of an Alpha dragon.
"Toothless is right," Astrid agreed, exiting the house with a large picnic basket under one arm. "We've really missed you."
After attempting to wipe off his slobbery face, Hiccup began scratching Toothless' chin, earning a delighted grunt from the dragon. "Well you've got me all to yourselves for the rest of the day," he replied, affectionately gazing at his wife.
After Toothless and Stormfly were saddled and sufficient provisions were packed, the couple mounted their dragons and soared up into the clouds. As Berk decreased into a miniscule speck in the distance, all of Hiccup's obligations likewise dissipated. He felt alive and uninhibited, performing audacious dives and loops to reflect his emancipation. He was just himself again – Hiccup. Not Chief Hiccup, not the guy to dump your problems on, not the person who has all the answers, but just plain and simple Hiccup. Of course he was still husband Hiccup, but that was a title he currently did not mind bearing. As Astrid zoomed ahead of him and his dragon, his heart was reminded that sometimes one must simply take a break and enjoy life. Duties can be put on hold, but your burning soul cannot.
After a thrilling game of dragon tag, Hiccup and Toothless pulled up next to Astrid and Stormfly and flew by their side. "So, where exactly are we going?" Hiccup asked with a chuckle, realizing he knew nothing about Astrid's plans.
"Oh, just a little place Toothless and I discovered this morning," she replied nonchalantly. "On Itchy Armpit Isle."
Although Hiccup and his beloved dragon had discovered and named that particular island, he had yet to explore it. He knew naught of the wonders its vast mountains and woodlands contained. "And what might this 'little place' be, Milady?"
Astrid's grin grew wide and enigmatic. "Oh, sorry, I can't tell you that. Toothless made me swear to secrecy." Toothless assented with a haughty nod.
"Fine, keep your secrets," Hiccup replied, feigning irritation. "But at least give me a hint!"
Astrid stroked her chin in contemplation for a moment before turning her gaze to the Night Fury. "What do you think, boy? One little hint wouldn't hurt."
Toothless replied with a reluctant grunt, smacking his lips and rolling his eyes as if to say "if you must…"
With a giggle Astrid returned her eyes to her eagerly waiting husband. "All right. We are going to this particular spot to swim."
Hiccup's faced immediately beamed with a smug smile, absolutely certain that he had identified the type of location. "I got it! It must be a sparkling waterfall surrounded by a pool of fresh blue water!" He looked expectantly at his wife, trying to obtain the answer from her eyes. On the rare occasion that the weather was warm enough to invite swimming, he enjoyed taking a dip in one of the beautiful lakes on Berk and its surrounding islands. His hopes were high that Astrid had found another one to add to his "favorite summer spots" list.
However, Astrid just released a laugh and turned her sights back to the sky in front of her. "You will see…" was her ambiguous reply. Before Hiccup could utter a complaint, she had urged Stormfly to accelerate, vanishing into a cottony cloud.
Thus the grand chase commenced. Hiccup and Toothless darted after the female Viking and dragon, in close pursuit of Stormfly's spiky tail. Astrid's competitive nature spurred her onward, driving her Deadly Nadder even faster through the cloud speckled sky. By the time the exceptionally swift Night Fury had reached its feisty friends, they were hovering directly above Itchy Armpit Isle. As soon as the riders instructed their dragons, the reptiles descended onto the island, alighting atop a verdant hill.
Hiccup watched inquisitively as his wife dismounted her dragon, waiting for her to point him in the correct direction. "Where to now?" he asked as he hopped off Toothless.
"This way," Astrid responded, leading Stormfly by her front horn. As she began the trek down the slope, Toothless nudged Hiccup's back, urging him to follow her. Like the obedient Viking Toothless had trained him to be, Hiccup complied and started after his wife. By the time the one-legged man caught up with Astrid, she and Stormfly had paused before a vast curtain of willow branches. With a wide grin that was mirrored by Toothless, Astrid pulled aside the drooping leaves like silk drapes, revealing the enchanted haven.
A long pause ensued before Hiccup spoke. "This…is not what I expected." Before his eyes lay an entirely different vista than he had envisioned. No glistening waterfall cascaded down a rocky crag, and no pristine pool of sapphire water rested at the bottom. Instead the scenery was painted with hues of brown, green, and grey, depicting a hazy, muddy swamp.
"I know," replied Astrid triumphantly. "We've run into plenty of lakes and rivers, but how many swamps do you know that are uninhabited by hostile dragons?"
"None, since Breakneck Bog doesn't count," Hiccup answered. After another moment of absorbing the sights and sounds, the Viking decided that although it was not what he expected, the murky marsh held promise. "We have to keep this place a secret. Can you imagine what chaos there would be if the Vikings on Berk discovered this mud hole?"
Astrid laughed, picturing the entire population swarming Itchy Armpit Isle to immerse their bodies in grime and filth. "Yeah. Sounds like a great plan," she agreed.
As Hiccup approached the shore and inserted his hand into the murky water, Toothless imitated his master, placing his curious nose into the swamp. Upon contact with the water, the dragon jolted his head up and sneezed, displeased with the strange sensation on his nose. With a chuckle Hiccup reached up his grimy hand and patted Toothless' head, earning a disgruntled groan from the Night Fury. "Aw, what's the matter, big baby poo? Afraid of a little mud?" In response to this taunting, Toothless wildly shook the mud off his head, splattering it onto Hiccup's face. The Viking did not verbally protest, for the peeved expression on his face effectively conveyed his annoyance as he wiped his face with his sleeve. However, his vexation melted away after Toothless offered him an apologetic lick. "What do you want to name this place, bud?" he asked his dragon, scratching him under his chin.
"Toothless and I have already named it," Astrid interjected, advancing from behind.
With a look of pleasant surprise, Hiccup draped an arm around her and drew her closer. "Oh you have, have you? Typical Astrid, always stealing the fun," he mockingly complained, receiving a giggle. "I bet it's something really uncreative like 'Island Swamp' or 'Mud Swamp.'" Hiccup stifled a laugh, for witty banter was decidedly the couple's second favorite activity.
"Oh, and 'Dragon Island' is creative?" Astrid questioned with an amused grin.
"I think it's one of my most ingenious names," Hiccup boasted, continuing the repartee. Then he turned to his Night Fury for affirmation, his left hand still clutching his wife's shoulder. "Wouldn't you say so, bud?" However, Toothless' ardent head-shaking proved less than encouraging. With feigned dismay, the Viking turned back to his wife. "Well then, Miss Clever...er…Namer, what did you name this secret alcove?"
"Dragon Fart Swamp," Astrid answered simply, shrugging her shoulders. "It was his idea," she added, gesturing to the Night Fury. Toothless, ecstatic to be credited for such an ingenious name, left his master and appeared on the other side of Astrid, affectionately licking her face.
"Eh, I guess it will do," Hiccup commented, concealing his mirth with indifference. Before he could utter another sarcastic remark, Astrid had ducked out of his arms and stooped down. In an instant she had risen with a handful of sludgy mud and promptly hurled it at her husband. As it splattered onto his tunic, he exclaimed with laughter, "Hey, what was that for?" Quickly he realized that his wife had not finished the assault, and jumped to narrowly avoid the second barrage. "Watch the leg!" As Astrid was reloading her hands, Hiccup crouched down, gathered a clump of the swamp floor, and returned fire. The slimy muck splattered onto her abdomen, leaving a large brown stain on her crimson shirt.
"Oh, you're going to be sorry!" Astrid threatened with a smirk. With all the force she could muster she hurled the slimy mire at her husband's head, drenching his face and hair.
This volley continued for quite some time as the two Vikings bombarded each other with showers of mud. The sound of merry laughter rose up and intermingled with the other forest noises, enticing Toothless and Stormfly to join the fray. With paws and tails the two dragons hurled muck at each other, roaring in sheer delight. By the time the skirmish eventually concluded, all four participants were thoroughly covered in a layer of brown filth.
To claim the ultimate victory, Astrid decided upon one more attack. With a particularly large heap of mud cradled in her arms, she sprinted towards Hiccup through the murky waters, readying her aim. In a split second her scheme was thwarted, however, for her foot slipped on the viscous sludge and propelled her down on top of Hiccup. As the two lay startled in the shallow water, they required a few seconds to recover from the surprise, blinking at each other speechlessly. However, the unexpected stumble was soon utilized by Hiccup in the best method known to him. "Come here, you," he chuckled, drawing her into a quick kiss. "You're so feisty!"
In response to his endearing compliment, Astrid recaptured his lips in an ardent kiss. As the temperature and the kiss escalated, her fingers began delicately stroking his freckled cheeks, climbing up his face until they reached his hair. Although his hair was soaked and partially immersed, she found great pleasure in running her hands through his soft auburn locks. Hiccup returned the gesture by caressing her soft face with one hand and running his other hand down her spine, eliciting a shiver. A necessary breath of air caused their lips to part for a moment, but their reunion was interrupted when Astrid sat up, sheepishly tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear.
"What?" Hiccup inquired, praying to all the gods that he hadn't repelled his wife. Perhaps his breath smelled horrendous or his sweat was too pungent.
"Them," Astrid responded, pointing at something beyond Hiccup. When the Viking sat up and turned around, his eyes met a highly comical, slightly distressing, but not wholly uncommon sight. On the bank of the swamp under a weeping willow tree sat Toothless and Stormfly, eyes fixed with fascination upon the crimson-faced couple.
"Hey!" Hiccup scolded as he and Astrid rose to their feet. "A little privacy would be nice!" In response Toothless released a guttural sort of laugh while Stormfly squawked with delight.
"I don't think 'privacy' is in their vocabulary, babe," Astrid observed with a soft chuckle. She accompanied her husband to the shore where the two dragons cooed jubilantly. "It was hard enough to get them to stay with Cloudjumper in the new stables you built." As she stroked Stormfly's scales gently, asking the Deadly Nadder where she learned to be nosy, a particular glint of green caught her eye. "I've got an idea," she murmured, drawing Hiccup's attention away from Toothless.
Hiccup's eyes followed his wife to a location in the underbrush where tall blades of verdure swayed gently in the breeze. "Dragon nip!" he exclaimed, his emerald eyes expanding in realization. "Perfect!" He enthusiastically joined Astrid in tearing off some juicy looking pieces.
"Here you go, girl," Astrid said gently, raising a generous helping of dragon nip to Stormfly's gargantuan nostrils. Stormfly instantly fell intoxicated to the ground as her mistress dropped the nip and began euphorically rolling around. Toothless reacted in the same manner, rapturously cooing as he rolled onto his back.
"Well that was easy," Hiccup observed, stepping back and admiring their accomplishment. At length he turned back to his wife, a mischievous glimmer in his eye. "Now we can enjoy some uninterrupted fun."
"My thoughts exactly," Astrid agreed, a wide smile gracing her features. The two began back towards the water's edge, leaving their dragons blissfully occupied with the enchanting herb.
"But I think I better make a few wardrobe adjustments first," Hiccup expressed, gesturing to his attire. His grey tunic, a garment much simpler than his riding garb, hung stiffly on his slender frame, caked in mud. It was presently removed, accompanied by his trousers and boot. He watched Astrid strip down to her undergarments as well, awaiting her assistance in removing his metal leg. Once she had neatly stacked her attire onto a nearby rock, she offered aid to Hiccup. After the prosthetic leg had been successfully detached and his belongings were set beside hers, she provided him with a shoulder to lean on as he hopped towards the water. Life was certainly more complicated with only one leg, but Hiccup had adapted long ago with the faithful help of Toothless and Astrid.
Once the two had become almost completely immersed in the murky water, Astrid drew back to allow Hiccup to swim freely. She likewise began to move through the water, savoring the smooth sensation of gliding through mud. "You know, I might enjoy swimming in this more than clean water," she observed. "There's just something about it that feels so…"
"Creamy. Like chocolate and peanut butter," Hiccup finished, his stomach releasing a loud gurgle.
"Well someone's hungry," Astrid remarked with amusement. "I shouldn't have left our lunch basket tied to Stormfly's saddle. Just look at her!" She gestured to the opposite bank where the two dragons were still intoxicated by the dragon nip.
"We won't be getting to that anytime soon," Hiccup observed with a shrug. "It's fine. I can wait. I have other things to occupy my mind." With that statement, he grabbed an intrigued Astrid by the waist and began swimming, keeping her beside him as he moved effortlessly through the water.
As birds chirped jubilantly in the towering cypresses and intricate mangroves, vibrant dragonflies darted haphazardly over the water. The swamp was enlivened with the croak of frogs and the cry of cicadas. The sunlight streaming down through the foliage was filtered into sporadic beams of light, reflecting the glorious ecstasy in the couple's hearts. None could determine the time that elapsed as Hiccup and Astrid swam about, immersed in a velvety blanket of mud and water. Floating, paddling, diving, and racing were all explored as the two Vikings glided through the water as naturally as they soared through the air.
After the third exhilarating race had concluded, proclaiming Hiccup the ultimate swimming champion, Astrid paused at the far end of the swamp by a cluster of mangroves. Hiccup swam up beside her as she perched on a thick root, his foot finding a similar resting place. "See? Isn't this much better than worrying about Viking quarrels?" she asked, gently laying a hand on his bare, freckled shoulder.
"Definitely," Hiccup agreed, brushing some dripping strands of hair from his eyes. "Thanks for convincing me to come out here. It's been great." The two remained silent for a minute, enraptured by the equally tender sparks in the other's eyes. Although months continued to pass since their grand marriage had occurred, simple intimate moments had not yet become commonplace. They both strongly desired that such indifference would never transpire. This current moment, however, was short-lived; a growl from Hiccup's stomach interrupted the romantic gazing.
"Let's get some lunch now," Astrid suggested, glancing at the far shore. "The dragons seem to have settled down." Beneath the trees where the dragon nip flourished dozed Stormfly and Toothless, curled up beside one another like hatchlings.
"Great idea!" Hiccup replied, hopping off the root. "Fish and potatoes sound really good right now." With a large gasp of air he ducked under the water, leaving a trail of bubbles above the surface as he swam.
Astrid giggled at the passion of an incredibly hungry Viking and began to follow, keeping her head above water to survey the picturesque nature surrounding her. Her eyes moved upwards as they climbed the lofty tree trunks, halting where they faded into the sky. Then she turned her gaze to the vegetation neighboring the swamp, noting how exceptionally lush every plant appeared. Returning her eyes to her husband who was nearing the opposite shore, she noticed that an unidentified object had appeared in his wake. Upon paddling closer Astrid recognized its form, startled and amused. "Um…Hiccup…" she hesitated as Hiccup resurfaced, uncertain how to proceed.
With all the devotion of a newly married man, Hiccup ceased treading water and turned back to face his wife. While he floated in shallower waters near shore, Astrid still remained in the center of the swamp. Immediately his eyes focused on the drifting object – a pair of brown animal hide underwear. A deep crimson rose to his cheeks, rendering him as red as Gobber's recent sunburn. A quick downward glance told him all he needed to know. "Uh…" he stuttered uncomfortably, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'll just…" Before finishing his labored sentence he started swimming towards the garment.
"Are those yours?" Astrid asked, repressing the laughter that was bubbling up inside her. She was his wife now, providing her with no basis for embarrassment; however, she thoroughly enjoyed observing Hiccup's bashful countenance.
"Yup. Must have lost them somehow," Hiccup responded with a nervous chuckle.
"No need to be embarrassed," Astrid assured him, allowing some of her pent up laughter to escape. "It's not like I've never seen you without them before. Besides, we're all alone on this island."
As soon as Hiccup's flustered brain comprehended the obvious facts, he paused. "Hey, you're right. I guess I'm still not used to this whole 'being married' thing," he said with an adorable grin, his vibrant blush melting into a soft pink.
Astrid gazed lovingly at the Viking for a moment before turning her eyes back to the stray garment. After a few seconds of scrutinizing it, she remarked, "Huh, they don't look very familiar. Are you sure they're yours?"
"Well if they're not mine then why am I naked?" asked Hiccup with a mixture of humor and apprehension.
"They just look too large," Astrid observed, fingering her waterlogged braid. "And I thought all your undies were grey."
It took a few seconds of analysis before Hiccup experienced the same epiphany that Astrid had attained. "Now that you mention it, they don't look like mine at all! That's why they fell off!" he realized, stroking his bristled chin. "Then why was I wearing them?" He began to make wide gestures, flailing his arms in his own signature fashion.
"They could have gotten mixed up with your laundry accidentally," Astrid suggested with a shrug. "The wind could have blown them onto the clothesline."
"True, true," Hiccup allowed, narrowing his eyes in contemplation. "Or this could be a retaliation prank from Snotlout!" he deduced, waving in the general direction of Berk.
"Retaliation prank?" his wife asked, intrigued.
"Yeah, I was expecting something like this," Hiccup admitted. "For the past few weeks I've been sending Snotlout letters from 'Future Snotlout,' giving him all kinds of warnings and advice, from 'the mead is poisoned' to 'how to win Ruffnut's heart.' I thought for a while there that he actually believed he was receiving letters from his future self!" While this fact was unknown to most, a small fraction of the chief's limited spare time was devoted to harmlessly pulling pranks on Snotlout. Although Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III had matured considerably and had never displayed rowdiness, he occasionally allowed himself the guilty pleasure of tricking Snotlout's arrogant and gullible brain.
"That's ingenious!" Astrid laughed, impressed with the hilarious creativity of her husband. The only pranks on Snotlout of which she had known were a few they executed together many years ago. These gags were chiefly devised and promoted by her; she was unaware that Hiccup was willingly continuing in their old shenanigans.
"Yeah, but I guess he finally figured out the truth. I think he's growing slightly smarter with age," Hiccup observed, creating ripples in the water with his index finger.
"Took him long enough," Astrid muttered, recalling all the irksome advances she had received from Snotlout years ago.
Although Hiccup was enjoying this delightful little chat, he felt quite exposed without any underwear. Despite the fact that they were foreign and gigantic, modesty obliged him to don them again. Returning to Berk without them was certainly not a viable option. "Anyway, back to the underwear," he said, beginning again to swim towards the article. As he observed Astrid approaching them as well, he asked, "Oh, good, can you toss me those?"
Upon reaching the oversized underpants, Astrid snatched them up with a smirk and began swimming in the opposite direction. Murky water flew in all directions as she swiftly glided through the swamp. "Make me, Hicc!" she challenged.
A mischievous grin spread across Hiccup's features as he was intrigued by the invitation. "You're horrible! You're going to regret this!" he shouted with a laugh, furiously increasing his velocity. "And what? What is with this strange nickname? Hicc? That's all you could come up with? That's just a shortened version of my name! If I shortened your name like that it would be too vulgar to utter around dragon ears!"
As Hiccup desperately attempted to retrieve his unmentionables from an invigorated and impish Astrid, they were wholly unaware that they and their dragons were not the only creatures on the island. On the other end of the lake, opposite from where the dragons rested, slinked Snotlout, crouching in the cover of a large elderberry bush. The muscular Viking sat by observing the couple in the swamp as the chief tackled his wife and held her submerged for a moment, ultimately emerging triumphantly in possession of the undergarment.
"Heh, guess my prank did work," Snotlout muttered with a chuckle. "But, Odin, they are so weird! Glad I just arrived. I do not want to know what was going on earlier…" The self-proclaimed ladies' man was easily revolted by any form of affection Hiccup and Astrid displayed towards one another. Perhaps their marriage ceremony, respecting the traditions of old, had left permanent scars on Snotlout's brain. Or maybe old bridled jealousy still remained in his heart, though he claimed not to possess such a vulnerable organ. His nauseous stomach reminded him that he would not be peeping on the zealous couple without a strong motive. His eyes were blind to the sight of Astrid and Hiccup smooching as his distracted mind willingly transported him to an hour before.
"Can you believe it? This has Eret's saliva on it!" squawked Ruffnut euphorically. Clutched in her hand was the stub of an extremely gnawed pencil.
"Who cares?" Snotlout shrugged with forced indifference. He and Ruffnut had wandered into the woods because Ruffnut had claimed to desire some time alone with the man. In reality, however, her sole purpose was to rave about the little souvenir she rescued from Eret's rubbish bin. Vexed and fatigued by Ruffnut's excessive obsessing, Snotlout had plopped down on a tree stump and had begun polishing his hammer. "That guy's so lame, chewing on a pencil. I can chew on a rock!" he boasted, picking up a stone and gnawing on it. Before long he discarded it, wincing in pain and rubbing his sore jaw. "See?"
"Yuck!" Ruffnut scowled in disgust. "You're half the man Eret is! No, quarter the man!" With a pensive expression the girl began to count on her fingers until her eyes illuminated with what she believed was the correct answer. "Actually, make that two fifteenth!"
Restraining himself from exploding at such a peculiar insult, Snotlout boldly declared, "I am more of a man than anyone on this island!" Arising from the tree stump, the Viking whirled around his hammer haphazardly before freezing into a valiant pose.
Ruffnut was on the verge of retorting with a retching noise when an idea struck her. Such clever notions were exceedingly rare for the twin, prompting her to utilize it immediately. "If you're such a man then you won't mind doing me a favor," she challenged with an impish glint in her apatite-colored eyes.
"Of course!" Snotlout replied without thought. "Anything for you, baby!" He futilely attempted to appear irresistible as he flexed one of his bulging biceps.
"Good," Ruffnut expressed, a devious smirk stretching across her features. Sitting down upon a nearby boulder, the twin folded her arms across her chest. "Fetch me Hiccup's metal leg," she commanded nonchalantly.
Snotlout, who hadn't previously considered the probable impossibility of whatever Ruffnut demanded, forgetting all the outrageous quests on which she employed him in the past, received the request with flabbergasted ears. The realization of his fatal mistake dawned upon him a moment too late. "What?" he exploded, saliva spraying from his mouth. "How am I supposed to get that? That's impossible! I can't just walk up to Hiccup and steal his leg!"
"You'll find a way," Ruffnut said indifferently. She paid no heed to his obvious mortification, wholly invested in removing some grime from her nails with her saliva.
"But I can't!" Snotlout persisted, flailing his arms frantically. "He used to be an over glorified loser, but he's the chief now! There's sadly a limit on what I can do to him. Raid his underwear drawer – yes. But swipe his metal leg? No!" Although Snotlout greatly delighted in pulling pranks on the scrawny Viking he only recently learned to respect, his self preservation instinct told him that serious consequences would follow such a theft.
"Not my problem," Ruffnut responded with a shrug. "Bring me the leg or you're not a true man."
The quest to prove his masculinity and win Ruffnut's heart would have propelled Snotlout across the globe if necessary; fortunately Valka had informed him of Hiccup's location. He now remained utterly motionless beneath the elderberry bushes, his head swimming with strategies of how to acquire the prosthetic leg. The advantage of obtaining it without being detected was fully comprehended by the Viking. If he could but retrieve it while Hiccup and Astrid were occupied, he could effortlessly escape and return to Berk, laying the apparatus at his lady's feet.
With a mind that didn't always prove to be functioning, it took Snotlout a considerable length of time to comprehend that a swimming Hiccup meant a removed metal appendage. By the time his brain began to grasp the physics of metal in water, the couple had ceased fondling and had resumed their voyage to shore. Hiccup and Astrid's slow migration to land passed unbeknownst to Snotlout, however; his eyes were intently focused on a gleaming object upon a rock on the opposite shore. "Yes! The gods must favor me!" Snotlout victoriously declared, restraining his voice to a whisper. "Hiccup just so happens to be without his leg!" Unfortunately this triumph was short-lived; the Viking soon perceived that the chief and his wife were approaching the shore where the metal leg rested.
As Hiccup and Astrid continued to tread water, the woman experienced an odd and sudden urge to tickle her husband. They had presently reached a shallower area of the swamp where the water only reached their abdomens when standing, rendering it the perfect opportunity to act upon the impulse. Thus she commenced the torture, moving her fingers rapidly along Hiccup's bare midriff. Caused by a mixture of shock and the precarious stability of his sole foot, Hiccup immediately lost his balance and was engulfed by the murky water. Immediately resurfacing, the Viking ravenously strove for revenge. A din of laughter resonated through the forest as the two mercilessly tormented each other with tickling, rendering them entirely distracted. Perhaps the gods did indeed favor Snotlout.
Snotlout, sensing that the perfect opportunity had arisen to acquire the prize undetected, began his stealthy trek around the marsh. Sheltered from sight he slinked through the thick vegetation that surrounded the swamp, cautiously avoiding every loose rock and branch. The hike was treacherous with each root aiming to trip him, every leaf crumbling under his boot, and every bird threatening to tattle. Weaving in and out of countless trees, scrambling over felled logs, and struggling through thorny briers, Snotlout advanced in his quest to impress Ruffnut. His heart pounded viciously in his chest as he warily crept past Toothless and Stormfly. Normally the dragons' acute senses would have detected the perpetrator, but the blissful sleep induced by the dragon nip left them utterly oblivious. Once he had successfully passed the slumbering dragons only two yards of underbrush remained to be crossed. His body was fatigued from the unfamiliarly cautious movements, causing sweat to pour down his face.
After brushing aside the final fern leaves, Snotlout's trepidation was alleviated upon beholding the rock where the prosthetic lay. Noting with relief that Hiccup and Astrid's avid tickle war persisted, the muscular Viking ventured a few feet out of the undergrowth onto the muddy shore. As he lifted the metal leg in his hands satisfaction oozed from every pore, accompanying the pungent sweat that coated his skin. He reluctantly quelled the urge to proclaim his magnificence, recognizing the detrimental effects it would incur. He had completed the seemingly impossible task and was quite ready to flaunt it, planning to declare his masculinity striding down the streets of Berk, arm in arm with Ruffnut. While envisioning the glorious scene his senses seemingly malfunctioned – particularly his eyesight. Upon attempting to retreat into the vegetation, his boot collided with the rock. An acute pain surged upward from his foot as his toe throbbed, eliciting an agonized oath. "Odin!"
The unfortunate blunder was indeed enough to thwart his endeavors. The tickling immediately ceased, leaving Hiccup and Astrid wide-eyed and frozen with shock. Instinctively Astrid ducked lower into the water, concealing all but her head. The last person on earth she wanted to be seen by in nothing but underwear was Snotlout! This brought a crucial question to mind: how long had he been watching them? The query which was frantically running through both of their minds remained frozen on their tongues; the couple was rendered paralyzed by the surprise.
Snotlout was petrified in a more complex stance. Balancing upon one foot as he stroked the injured one through its boot, he held the prosthetic securely under his arm. Carefully returning his wounded foot to the ground, he silently cursed his misfortune. His head was overflowing with regrets, considering how close he had come to success, when Hiccup broke the silence.
"Snotlout, what are you doing with my leg?" the chief asked, wary and perplexed. Although Astrid remained speechless, fiery fury began to boil within her, thawing her frozen frame.
Initially Snotlout attempted to conceal the metal appendage, whisking it behind his back. However, his pompous inner voice convinced him that he was too awesome to act like a shamefaced child caught swiping a cookie. Raising the leg into the air unabashed, the man insolently replied, "I am taking it, Hiccup! And there's nothing you can do about it!" To display how incredibly brazen he felt, he punctuated that declaration by sticking out his tongue.
Snotlout's response proved enormously effective in infuriating Astrid. It was odious enough that he intruded on her private time with a Hiccup desperately in need of relaxation; but stealing the crippled Viking's only means of walking was grossly barbarous! Astrid had always been incredibly territorial, never hesitating to protect what was hers. Hiccup, the dearest person in her life, was certainly more precious to her than any possession. "Snotlout, you give that back right now!" Astrid commanded, restraining her burning rage to a vicious growl.
Although he would have denied it, Snotlout was rendered momentarily terrified by the fury of the girl. He was quite accustomed to her typical outbursts – the tirades six years ago were especially fierce – but he had never witnessed such raw ire before. The fact that she was repressing some of that wrath was horrendous. However, the fear was soon ousted by impudence. Without anything but undergarments, Astrid would not dare emerge from the water, rendering her powerless. As a victorious captor torments the caged beast, Snotlout began to taunt the chief's wife. "Oh yeah? Well come and make me!"
Astrid was automatically about to arise and head to shore, intent on rending Snotlout to shreds, when the recollection of her state of undress prevented her. Comprehending the utterly helpless situation they were in, for Hiccup was crippled and she was indecent, she released a highly aggravated growl. A glance at the dragons, who yet remained slumbering obliviously, caused Astrid to regret giving them nip. Theoretically Hiccup could attempt to swim to shore, stand himself up, and slowly hop over to Snotlout, but obtaining the prosthetic with unsteady balance from the stubborn Viking would be infeasible. Besides, Hiccup greatly preferred the negotiating approach.
"Snotlout! You son of a half-troll, rat-eating munge-bucket!" Astrid hissed, splashing around in frustration.
Hiccup, who vividly remembered being dubbed that particular name six years ago, and who fully understood the rage that accompanied the phrase, placed a hand on her shoulder to calm her down. Although his gentle touch wasn't completely successful, it at least caused her to become still. "Don't worry, dear, I'll handle this," he reassured her softly. Shocked and irritated by Snotlout's antics, Hiccup still attempted to remain calm. He was certain he could convince the foolhardy Viking to release his prosthetic. However, before he could begin the negotiation, Snotlout spoke.
"Ah, I see you can't," he taunted Astrid. "Afraid to get out of the water? Honey, no need to be shy. I would be more than happy to see that gorgeous body of yours…" Snotlout winked seductively at Astrid, enjoying every second of this once in a life time opportunity to provoke the fiery Viking.
Though Hiccup was able to maintain his composure in the midst of battle, he too had his breaking point. "No, Snotlout, that is not okay!" he rebuked, his seriousness reflected in icy emerald eyes. While Astrid's rage was released in a burning conflagration, Hiccup expressed his anger with frigid severity. "Never talk to my wife like that!"As Hiccup glared indignantly at the thieving Viking, Astrid was overwhelmed with utter repulsion for Snotlout and ardent appreciation of her husband. Exceedingly pleased with Hiccup's response to the affront, she began to cool down and was soon in complete control of her faculties again. Years of experience had taught her to curb her explosive temper, molding her into an affectionate and amiable woman; yet when affronted by such an outrage she had momentarily disregarded her training.
Snotlout, highly disconcerted by the steely glaze in Hiccup's eyes, immediately stuttered an apology. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry! I won't flirt with Astrid!" the man promised frantically, flailing his arms. This earned an approving nod from Astrid, very satisfied with her husband's success. "Ruffnut's hotter anyway," Snotlout added under his breath.
Although it did not elucidate Snotlout's motives for stealing the metal leg, the bumbling apology was enough to appease the chief, allowing Hiccup to regain his composure. While the icy malice dissolved, the displeasure remained as he began attempts at diplomacy. "Now why are you trying to take my leg, Snotlout?" he inquired, betraying his impatience.
Upon the transformation of "serious business Hiccup" back to "passive Hiccup," Snotlout re-erected his walls of tenacity. "None of your business," he answered obstinately, folding his arms across his chest.
"Um, I think it is my business," Hiccup pointed out, rapidly tiring of the man's idiocy. "It's my leg!" After awaiting a reply that never came, the chief continued. "Why are you doing this? You've already gotten even with me for the letters with the underwear prank. Ha ha, very funny," he laughed sarcastically. "They fell off when I was swimming. Happy now?"
Fearing no maiming from Astrid and forgetting Hiccup's chiefhood, Snotlout persisted in his bullheaded stubbornness, clutching tightly onto the apparatus. "I don't know what you're talking about, Hiccup!" he insisted earnestly. "The only letters I've been receiving are from future Snotlout, and he's got some very good advice, thank you very much."
Hiccup and Astrid simultaneously slapped their foreheads, taken aback by the sheer stupidity of the Jorgenson boy. When the chief had recovered from the shock he asked, "Then why the extra large underpants?"
"Oh that," Snotlout said with a shrug. "That was revenge for putting my best hammer in jelly."
"Wow, that was months ago," Hiccup muttered.
Hoping to further her husband's more prudent method of reasoning, Astrid reentered the conversation with softer demands. "Snotlout, just give him back the leg please," she appealed.
Although less intimidating, this new method still proved ineffective; Snotlout's audaciousness endured through both hatchets and honey. "No can do, Astrid. This is more important than a prank!" In that moment an image of Ruffnut's face flashed before his eyes, and he grinned widely as he imagined the twin whispering sweet nothings into his ear. "Way more important," he emphasized.
"I think he's drooling," Astrid whispered to Hiccup in disgust.
Hiccup had one more trick stored away that he was willing to employ – the sympathy tactic. Swimming a couple paces forward, he looked upon the adamant man with imploring eyes. "I don't like to complain much, but life can be very difficult when you're missing a leg. Every day things like bathing…"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up!" Snotlout interjected. "Bathing is not every day!"
Ignoring the obnoxious Viking, Hiccup continued. "Things like bathing and swimming and dressing become a little more difficult. I can only hop for so long on one leg when someone's helping me, and it's even harder by myself. I'm a terrible dancer with the metal leg and it's easier to slip on ice. But at least I can walk with it. Imagine if you couldn't walk, Snotlout. No more fighting, no more training, no more chasing sheep…the list goes on! You wouldn't even be able to fly Hookfang without a leg! Surely you can understand why my metal leg is so important to me." He paused for a moment, trying to interpret the blank stare on Snotlout's face. Heaving a sigh, he beseeched, "so please…will you give me back my leg?"
Astrid and Hiccup stared at the muscular man, waiting with bated breath for him to speak. Snotlout remained silent for a few more moments, appearing to be processing Hiccup's heartfelt words. Rubbing his chin, he began to visibly ponder. At length he spoke. "Nope, sorry!" Before the couple had time to react, Snotlout stuck his fingers in his mouth and produced a high pitch whistle, summoning Hookfang from the forest. As soon as the Monstrous Nightmare alighted beside his master, Snotlout mounted him as fast as Thor's lightning, clutching tightly onto the metal leg. As Hookfang began flapping his wings and ascending, Snotlout shouted "later!" with an exultant cackle before he and his dragon vanished into the cloudy sky.
No amount of time was provided for a lengthy discourse about the atrocity of Snotlout, or for a few brief exclamations. Not a word passed between them as they immediately sprang into action, heading rapidly toward shore. Astrid provided the customary shoulder for Hiccup as they reached the bank, their movements hurried and clumsy. Both caution and agility were required for Astrid as she assisted her husband to the rock where the clothes remained. Although what had transpired was contemptible, she was grateful to every god that Snotlout had not additionally swiped their clothes. She could only imagine in what a predicament two unclothed Vikings would be at that moment. Rumors had been circulating about licentious habits of the chief and his wife; a return to Berk in their underwear would undeniably confirm the gossip.
Hiccup rested his overused foot as he perched on the boulder, sliding on his tunic and pants over his dripping body. Astrid donned only the bare minimum of her attire, forgoing the shoulder pads, fur hood, and arm bands. These items were hastily crammed into Stormfly's saddle bag after she had roused the dragons from their slumber. Once she had discarded the spoiled fish and stale potatoes, she vaulted into Toothless' saddle, yanking Hiccup up behind her. Properly adjusting the Night Fury's artificial tail, Astrid instructed the dragon to ascend.
The raven colored dragon promptly obeyed, but glanced back at his riders with a befuddled warble. Why wasn't Master steering him?
"Hurry, bud," Hiccup encouraged, patting the Night Fury's flank. "We need to catch Hookfang. Snotlout has my metal leg!" Apparently comprehending the Viking's explanation, Toothless flapped his wings rapidly to increase his velocity. Stormfly diligently trailed behind them, always remaining in sight of the swift Night Fury. As the two dragons glided through the air like lightning, the bright orange sun began its slow descent into the ocean.
Because they caught no glimpse of a Monstrous Nightmare during their flight back to Berk, the two concluded that the crafty Viking had returned to the island by another route, perhaps through the western sea stacks. There was no debate about whether Snotlout had indeed returned to Berk; the setting sun indicated that night was approaching, and the Jorgenson preferred to remain close to home after dark.
As they alighted in front of Hiccup's newly constructed personal dragon stable, the couple spotted Valka harvesting potatoes in the adjacent garden. Noticing their arrival, the Viking woman dropped her spade and strolled over to them, holding a woven basket full of root vegetables. "How was the picnic, you two?" she asked genially.
"Didn't exactly go as planned," Hiccup replied, gesturing to his stub of a leg. A gasp escaped Valka's lips as she perceived that her son's metal leg was absent. She gazed at the couple with concern, her eyes beseeching them for enlightenment.
"Snotlout stole it," Astrid explained, alleviating Valka's fear of a disaster. Dismounting the Night Fury, she added, "For some sick joke."
As Valka and her daughter-in-law assisted the crippled man off of his dragon, the worried mother expressed, "That was very cruel of your cousin! I thought you two were friends."
"Eh, not exactly," Hiccup confessed, stabilizing himself against Astrid's shoulder. "We were on decent terms for a while, but I don't know what's gotten into him." Touched by the deep concern in his mother's eyes, he placed a hand on her shoulder. "But don't you worry, I'll handle it," he assured her.
"Actually, Hiccup, I'd like to handle it," Astrid interjected, smirking mischievously. "That boy does not mess with my husband and get away with it!"Although she was greatly sickened by Snotlout's crass words to her, her chief motive for volunteering was to avenge her spouse. Without waiting for Hiccup's response, she darted into the nearby weaponry shed and returned with her axe, a long handled instrument with a sharp lustrous blade. If Hiccup had not been quickly supported by his mother when his wife departed, Astrid would have found him sprawled in the dirt.
The restless gleam in Astrid's eye, combined with his state of debilitation, proved successful in convincing Hiccup. "Be my guest, Milady," he consented with a courtly bow. The irritation from earlier had dissipated, leaving a quite content and amused Viking. He had full confidence in his wife, expecting that she would return with his leg before the sun had vanished into the sea. "Just try not to mutilate him too much," he added with a chuckle.
"Nah, I think a good castration will do the trick," Astrid commented casually, admiring her razor-sharp axe. "It'll fix all his behavioral issues."
Even though Hiccup could perceive the covert jesting in her voice, his body nevertheless winced in pain at the thought of emasculation. "I don't think you need to take it that far," he remarked.
At the visible tension of her son's lanky frame, Valka released a hearty laugh. "Ah, just like your father," she scolded, shaking her head. "Always disturbed by a good castration threat."
The two females shared a few laughs before Astrid returned to the task at hand. "Well I better go find him," she said. "It shouldn't be too hard; I can already smell him!" Thus she swiftly departed, following the fetid scent of Snotlout's body odor.
Upon learning that Hiccup hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, Valka ushered her son into the kitchen where a savory stew was simmering.
By the time Astrid caught a glimpse of Snotlout's ram-horned helmet, she found herself in green pastures on the outskirts of the village. Closer observation afforded a clearer picture of the scene: Snotlout stood in the middle of the field with Ruffnut, Fishlegs, and Meatlug, surrounded by a grazing herd of sheep. Sensing that the situation was tense, Astrid only crept close enough to hear the conversation, staying out of sight behind a large cluster of sneezeworts and blue anemone.
"Snotlout, why are you interrupting our romantic date of sheep wrangling?" Fishlegs inquired with puzzlement. He reluctantly dropped a large black sheep, a trophy he had evidently obtained for his lady. "And why are you holding Hiccup's metal leg?"
"None of your business, Ingerman!" Snotlout sneered defensively. Turning to Ruffnut, he knelt on one knee and presented the prosthetic leg. "For you, my love," he gushed, his tone much softer. "No task is too difficult for your man, the greatest Viking the world has ever known." Dotingly he stooped down and deposited a kiss onto her boot.
"Ew, get away from me!" Ruffnut spat, repulsion evident in her face. "I don't want that metal thing!" To emphasize her point, the twin kicked Snotlout's helmet, expelling him from her personal bubble.
A mixture of indignation, shock, and chagrin swelled within Snotlout at Ruffnut's rebuff. "What?" he hollered. "You asked me specifically to retrieve Hiccup's darned leg!"
"Eh, I don't remember that," Ruffnut responded, feigning ignorance. "That must have been Tuffnut."
Despite Ruffnut's obtuse expression Snotlout wasn't deceived into believing the error had been his; he distinctly recalled gazing at Ruffnut's semi-feminine features that morning. "No, I'm positive it wasn't Tuffnut!"
Fishlegs, delighted by his inevitable victory, allowed a soft giggle to escape his lips. As soon as this sound reached Snotlout's ears, his brain only required one more clue - Fishlegs' giddy grin - to solve the mystery.
"You were just trying to get rid of me!" he accused, glaring lividly at Ruffnut. "To spend time with him!" It was with great repugnance and jealousy that he thrust a pointing finger at Fishlegs.
"Yeah, so what if I did?" retorted Ruffnut, bringing her face close to Snotlout's to display her intensity. After glaring the proverbial daggers at the Viking for a few seconds, the girl withdrew. "He has way more muscle than you." Fishlegs ostentatiously flexed his gigantic arms, boasting the limbs that Ruffnut admired.
"Muscle?" Snotlout exploded, his voice cracking in a way that hadn't occurred since he was thirteen. As he threw his arms into the air, the metal leg nearly slipped from his grasp. "That's not muscle! That's blubber! I don't see what you see in him!"
"Well Eret has disappeared and Fishlegs is my second option!" Ruffnut snapped. Fishlegs beamed with pride, thrilled about being his true love's number two choice.
"He's probably hiding from you!" Snotlout rejoined.
"Yeah? Well you're so disgusting that your own dragon hides from you!"
"He does not!"
"Does too!"
"When?"
"Last Thursday."
"We were playing hide-and-seek!"
"Uh-huh. Just keep telling yourself that."
Snotlout, thoroughly aggravated by how his day had unfolded, emitted an exasperated growl to release the tension. While he was occupied by cursing every god the Vikings revered, Ruffnut and Fishlegs utilized his distraction by escaping on Meatlug. By the time he had cooled down enough to perceive his surroundings, he found himself alone in a field of mindless sheep. In what he believed was utter despondency, he lifted his arms to the sky and groaned. "Why can't I get a girl? First I struck out with Astrid, and now Ruffnut? What's wrong with me? I'm gorgeous, intelligent, hilarious, valiant…"
"Idiotic," a voice added as the metal leg disappeared from his raised arms.
"Idiotic…" he included mechanically. "Wait, what?" The unpleasantness of Snotlout's day increased tenfold when he whirled around to find Astrid glaring at him. She grasped the prosthetic firmly in one hand and her axe in the other, smirking with the satisfaction of a huntress cornering her prey. "Thor, I'm screwed," he squeaked.
"What, you didn't think there would be consequences to stealing the chief's leg, provoking his wife, and acting like a complete idiot?" Astrid asked, taking a step forward. This action was met with Snotlout retreating a few paces.
Aware that feigning innocence was impossible, Snotlout attempted to choke out an explanation. He tried to dispel his terror even though he recognized that punishment was inevitable. "I know I shouldn't have taken it, Astrid. And I'm really sorry for speaking so rudely to you two and intruding on your disturbing make out session…" he stuttered. Astrid couldn't prevent her cheeks from reddening at this statement, but she allowed him to continue. "But Ruffnut challenged my manhood! I had to prove my manliness to her to win her heart!"
"Well that certainly backfired, didn't it?" Astrid observed casually, fingering her axe.
Snotlout's eyes dilated in fright as the angry Viking raised her weapon. "Yeah, so have some compassion on my broken heart!" he implored.
"You showed Hiccup no compassion when you stole his leg. But don't worry, I won't kill you just yet," Astrid assured him, a vengeful glint in her eyes. Instead of going on a rampage like she had attempted at Dragon Fart Swamp, she decided upon a quicker, more effective method of retaliation. In one fluid movement she dropped her axe, clenched her fist, and commenced delivering painful blows to Snotlout's sturdy jaw. The man had no time to cry out, for the sentence was executed suddenly and swiftly. After a few sharp punches she relented, leaving him crimson-faced and aching. "That's for taking Hiccup's leg!" she stated, placing her hands on her hips.
Once the world had ceased spinning for Snotlout, he released a moan and rubbed his tender jaw. Hope had no deserted him, however; he recognized the start of one of Astrid's signature actions – smack and smooch. Over the years whenever the girl had a quarrel with Hiccup, she would release her fury with her fist and then apologize with a kiss. "Are you gonna kiss me now?" he asked expectantly, meeting her satisfied gaze.
"In your dreams," Astrid answered coolly. With full composure and dignity, she yanked the brawny man up by his fur cape and flung him aside, landing him in an enormous pile of Gronkle dung. "And that's for everything else." With a triumphant grin she dusted off her hands, retrieved her axe, and sauntered away, leaving the hooligan fully immersed in a putrid heap of manure.
The sun had completely descended into the sea by the time Astrid returned home, leaving the night crisp and serene. After pausing in the kitchen to munch on Hiccup's leftovers, she headed for the study, certain to find him poring over his father's logs. A dying candle sat upon the desk, whimsically illuminating the features of a sleeping Viking. "Hey, you," she greeted as she entered. "Hard at work I see."
Stirred by Astrid's presence, Hiccup lifted his face from an open book and grinned sheepishly. As his eyes fell upon the prosthetic in her hand, relief washed over his face. "Oh good, you got it back." After receiving the appendage from his wife, he fastened it onto his stub of a leg and arose. "I was really starting to miss this." Once he had completed a few celebratory laps around the cramped study, he returned to his seat. "Do I even want to know Snotlout's condition?"
"Probably best not to ask, babe," Astrid replied with a chuckle. In especially high spirits from the thrill of victory, she slid onto her husband's lap and wrapped her arms around his body.
"Didn't we do this earlier today?" Hiccup joked as his wife began gently caressing his lips. Returning to the current topic, he inquired, "Did you ever learn why in Thor's name he needed to steal my leg?"
"Oh yes, and it's quite comical," she responded with a giggle. Situating herself comfortably on his lap, ensuring that no spike on her skirt punctured him, she commenced the story. "Ruffnut told him to retrieve your leg or he wasn't a true man. Obviously he obeyed, because you know how desperately he tries to prove his manliness. But in reality Ruffnut was just trying to get rid of him so she could spend time with Fishlegs!" She concluded the tale with a hearty laugh. "Normally I might feel a little sympathy for Snotlout, but he just crossed the line today."
"I guess Ruffnut's finally chosen a guy then," Hiccup surmised. "I wish she could have left my leg out of it though."
"Well you are the chief," Astrid reminded, tracing the freckles that dotted his nose. "You have all the right to reprimand Snotlout – and maybe even Ruffnut – if you see fit."
Hiccup paused for a moment and pondered, considering all his viable options. A formal warning, a community service project, temporary incarceration, and stable-cleaning duty were all possibilities. However, his ever increasing to-do list loomed over him like a Bewilderbeast. "How exactly did you take care of him?" he asked his wife.
An impish grin bedecked Astrid's face as she relayed the details. "Nothing extravagant, just the tried-and-true Viking way. I gave him a few good punches and then threw him into a pile of Gronkle poop."
This form of punishment came as no surprise to the chief. "That's my Astrid," Hiccup chuckled affectionately, stroking her bare shoulder. The soft glow of the flickering candle illumined her golden hair, intensifying her goddess-like radiance. "I might have a few words with him next time I run into him, but I think he's learned his lesson," he decided. Returning his gaze to the books strewn across his desk, he heaved a sigh. "I've got too many other problems to worry about."
"Still stuck on the Varg and Haldor case?" she asked curiously, recalling the particular predicament that had vexed him that morning. She rested her back against the side of the desk, awaiting his response.
"Yep," the chief replied with weariness. "The whole Snotlout fiasco didn't exactly help clear my mind." He pushed his bangs aside and began rubbing his temples.
"Yeah, sorry about that," Astrid apologized. Although she had possessed no way of predicting the outcome of their innocent vacation, she felt slightly responsible for dragging Hiccup into the ordeal.
Detecting a crestfallen note in her voice, the Viking was quick to refute. "No, no, no!" he expressed with a smile, lifting her chin. "I had a wonderful day with you! It was just what I needed. How were you supposed to know that Snotlout would show up? Don't blame yourself." To express his gratitude for an enjoyable afternoon, he planted a tender kiss on her nose.
Astrid, sufficiently encouraged by her doting husband, returned his grin. A glance at the bags under his eyes recalled her attention to the present dilemma. "I wish I could help you with this mediation problem, but I'm as stumped as you are," she admitted. "You've done all you can but neither man will let up!"
"That's alright, dear, you've been a big help by dealing with Snotlout," Hiccup assured her. As his fingers wandered absentmindedly through her hair, his brain likewise began to drift. His mind was envisioning a dung-covered Snotlout, beaten and bruised by his fierce Viking wife. Viking. That word seemed to protrude, tumbling around in his head like tumultuous waves. Astrid had one particular style of settling disputes, while his was entirely different. His was more similar to his mother's method– calm and logical – while his wife's tended to mirror his father's rough-and-tumble ideology. At the thought of his father, a phrase from Stoick's first log book reappeared in his mind, a sentence he had read just before dozing off. Invigorated by his sudden inspiration, he snatched the open volume from the desk and began skimming it.
"What?" Astrid inquired, intrigued by his abrupt movement.
"You're a genius, Astrid!" Hiccup exclaimed, his eyes rapidly scanning the page. "You and my father!"
"What? Have you found a way to deal with Varg and Haldor?" the chief's wife asked buoyantly. She peered over the book he was holding, hoping to decipher the upside down scribbles.
"I have indeed!" Hiccup confirmed vivaciously. Astrid's eyes eagerly urged him to clarify, so he pointed to a paragraph on the page. "Just listen to this." Drawing a large breath, he began to read the selection in his Stoick-imitating voice. "Tried convincing Mildew to stop filing bogus complaints. Didn't work. Clubbed him on the head. Results were more satisfactory."
Because the passage from Stoick's chief logs did not elucidate Hiccup's brilliant idea, Astrid was compelled to jest. "I'll go fetch your club," she volunteered, rising from his lap.
"No, no," Hiccup laughed, yanking her back down. "That's not what I mean. Just listen." He grasped her arms securely, preventing her from escaping his clutches. "This was one of my father's first logs as chief. He was still pretty young when he wrote it. He tried my classic method of negotiating but it didn't work. As he would always tell me, you got to act like a Viking. But I don't tend to do that, do I? While I prefer the more civil approach, I now see the necessity of that method. You've proven today that the 'tried-and-true' Viking way does the trick when nothing else will."
Pleasantly surprised that her husband was considering her method of choice, a manner she did not believe he would ever employ as chief, Astrid rested her hand on his shoulder."Well Varg the Vicious and Haldor the Horrible are Vikings," she agreed, gratified by her husband's epiphany. "And very stubborn ones."
"Yep," Hiccup nodded. "My dad was right. Sometimes you just gotta treat Vikings like Vikings. No more negotiations with these two," he proclaimed resolutely. "I'll save the civilized discussions for bickering old ladies and more reasonable villagers."
Astrid gave his shoulder an approving squeeze, impressed by her husband's chief-like decisiveness. "Great plan." Her eyes glimmered with tremendous love for her husband, recognizing that with his unique methods and his father's conventional ones, he was shaping into the best chief Berk had ever known. "So what are you going to do? Sick Toothless on them? Pummel them with your adorably lanky body?" She pronounced the word "adorably" with particular emphasis as her arms traveled down his back, encircling him in a tight embrace.
"No, silly," Hiccup chuckled, responding by squeezing her curvy frame. "I'll just hand them each a bludgeon and let them settle it like Vikings."
"Sounds good," his wife expressed "No need for the high and mighty chief to interfere in their petty squabble," she teased in a doting tone, pinching his slender arm. After a few more strokes to his undersized bicep, Astrid decided that discussing obstinate Vikings was no longer invigorating. Wriggling out of his grasp, she arose from his lap, retaining his hand in hers. Giggling at the markedly disappointed look on Hiccup's face, she gazed at him with an exceptionally captivating glimmer. "But that can wait till morning. Come to bed with me." Her sapphire eyes sparkled beneath her golden bangs, irresistibly beckoning him to join her.
Hiccup would have been undeniably insane and insensate to resist the lure of his enticingly beautiful wife. Heeding every instinct that surged within him, he abandoned his lackluster desk and accompanied her into their bedroom loft. Before removing his metal leg, however, his clouded mind cautioned him to lock the door to prevent any more peeping Vikings. Releasing every burden and tension of the day, Hiccup and Astrid Haddock immersed themselves in rapturous ecstasy, a paradise more relaxing and intoxicating than Dragon Fart Swamp could have ever been.
The End