Shockwaves
A/Ns:...Wow. Well, that was one screwed up dream I had the other night. Yep. I dreamed this. I have weird dreams, in case you hadn't noticed. And this ended up as ten pages? That was unexpected. It's kind of stream-of-consciousness, only not very professional. I have such fun writing jaded!Naruto.
Warnings: Huge heaps of angst, MAJOR character death, I'm afraid, but only mentioned, mentioned yaoi, threesome, dubious-con and violence. And minor swearing (I think? I usually swear more...). Oh, and... minor(ish) religion. As in, no preaching, but mentions. I hope I haven't offended anyone with the talking to God thing, but, well, I guess I either will or I won't. Not much I can do about it. Either way, you've been warned, now try to enjoy! If possible... Shiver. Oh, the angst.
Disclaimer: the series 'Naruto' belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, and most definitely not to me. My fucked up dream and the story that came out of it belong to me.
It's over.
Now everyone gets to sit back and feel the world shattering in the aftershock.
I wonder if anybody didn't see this coming.
Sucks to be them, I guess.
I dunno where Sasuke and Sai are, but I know they're together.
That's what I want. To be with Sasuke and Sai.
We promised to get out of it alive. All three of us.
I wasn't sure. But Sasuke and Sai told me we would. And I believed them. I smiled with them.
How did they end up being wrong?
Was it because I didn't know?
Or did they give up their luck for me?
If they did, they'll be pissed when I next see them.
I got Chouji out alive. That was the last thing I had to do.
I'm finished now.
So you'll let me go wherever they are, right?
I did what I promised. There's no point in me hanging around any longer.
...Yeah.
I miss them. Fuck, I miss them.
It'll never stop hurting. They ripped my soul right out and tore it in half and took it with them. You saw that, didn't you? Maybe you told them to...
But Sasuke and Sai have the pieces. They're looking after my soul for me. I know it.
I'm gonna go meet them, now.
You'll let me, right?
I dunno where we'll be. Sasuke said he was going to hell. It scared me when he said that, cos he always had this weird glitter in his eyes, like he really believed it, like he really wanted to go there.
Sai shouldn't go to hell. He was a soldier, of course he sinned, but he loved me... Me and Sasuke.
That's a sin too, I guess.
I loved them both. They loved me, and each other.
D'you hate us for that?
All of us, for being in love with two other men at the same time?
S'kinda the epitome of sin in the Book. We're unmarried, too. Started young. I'm an orphan, and a thief, and a murderer. Sasuke... Shit, I don't even know where to begin. Sasuke said he was evil. He always laughed when he said it, but he wasn't joking. That wasn't why he laughed. He believed it. He liked it.
Sai was good, though. Okay, he was a prick, and he's killed people... Everyone killed people. We were fighting a war, and we lost, whatever the government says. We lost everything, even more than the 'losing' side. But Sai... He was good. He was innocent. He did things to protect me and Sas'ke, cos he loved us, but never for no reason. It's not wrong to protect the ones you love, right?
It can't be.
They say there used to be holy wars, you know? And wars are to protect something... Even if it's something stupid, like money. And if fighting over gold can be holy, then fighting to protect your children, or your lover, or hell, the next door neighbour's cat, that's gotta be better, right?
Gold is worthless. Gold can't make you happy.
Even if you the only love you get is from a scruffy, bad-tempered feline that doesn't even belong to you, that's better than nothing.
And well, I had two men who I love and adore with all my heart - if I even have a heart anymore.
You took them away.
I guess you must've had a reason. I don't wanna know what it was. I don't want to try to judge if it was good or bad. Maybe more lives were saved because I lost my lovers, I don't know. I don't care. But I miss them. And it's kind of your fault.
So that must mean you owe me, right? Even just a little.
Let me be with them. Wherever that is. Heaven. Hell. Purgatory. Anywhere in between.
So long as I can see them again, I don't give a damn.
I've wondered sometimes if you really exist, God. S'not like there's any big beard in the sky, like the Book makes you think. But I dunno, it hurts worse to think that all those deaths, everyone...
Sasuke and Sai.
Shikamaru.
Kiba, Shino...
Gaara.
Kankuro.
Neji and Lee...
Captain Gai, Captain Asuma...
Commander Jiraiya...
Everyone.
They all died. And if there's really no God out there, no higher power at all, no plan...
Then they died for nothing.
They died for some puny human's selfish mistakes.
And I won't let myself believe that.
Not that it matters. I'm going to die anyway.
Oh yeah, you probably won't like that either, will you? It's a sin to take your own life.
Not like I even have what I'd call a life anymore.
Sakura told me how Temari fell to her knees and screamed till she passed out when she heard that both her brothers had died.
Ino went into shock when we told her Shikamaru died. And Asuma. I never heard how Kurenai reacted. I seem to remember Sakura saying she's had a baby. Poor woman.
Poor world.
I dunno... I've always wanted to fly. Planes are amazing things, but they're not... Not what I want. I've always imagined what it'd be like, flying through the air, feeling the wind rushing past you...
I can smell the sea. The salt water is getting in my eyes, making my face all damp and slightly clammy and cold, but seriously, who the hell cares right now?
It feels good, actually.
I feel alive. Very alive.
Which is pretty ironic, considering why I'm here.
There's a storm coming. The clouds are building up on the horizon - must be west, right? Maybe northwest... And there's nothing to see out there. Just waves, stretching on forever.
America must be over that horizon somewhere.
Huh. Never been to America.
Maybe me and Sasuke and Sai should've gone, when we had the chance, before the war.
Or, if you hadn't decided they had to die, maybe we coulda gone in a few more years... Now that the war's over, and everyone's dead. Things can... what was that phrase? Oh yeah. 'Go back to normal'.
Heh. That's a sick kind of joke. 'Normal'?
Everyone I ever cared about is dead. How can that be normal?
Okay, maybe that's not completely true. I got Chouji out. I saved him, like I swore I would. Even though he's skinny as a rake now cos he hasn't been eating, and his eyes look dead, and he flinches every time anyone mentions Shikamaru's name, so they've learned to shut up...
And Kakashi. Kakashi survived, too. He's a good guy, if a little weird. Colder, now. But I guess Iruka will warm him again. I wonder if Kakashi'll ever tell him that he slept with me.
Doubt it. It was a war. We were both breaking. We did what we had to do. Took what we needed. I could've taken Chouji - hell knows, he wanted it as much as I did, he was tearing apart just like me - but I couldn't do that. I love Chouji so much as a friend, I had to save him, save his soul, not just his body.
I would have hurt him too much if we'd done that. And not just mentally.
Kakashi has scars from me. I know that. But they're indistinguishable from the ones he got from people trying to kill him.
That makes me feel a little sick, actually.
But anyway. Now that it's over, we have to leave that behind.
Sakura's still alive, too.
It'd be so much easier if I still loved her.
I could be with her now, rejoicing that I'm alive, crying inside for all the people who died... But at least I'd have some reason to live.
Stupid. I'm an idiot. Guess what, Sasuke? You're right, as always.
And I fucking went and fell in love with you. And Sai. My sweet, beautiful boys.
Who are dead.
I stopped being able to cry long before the war was over.
So, then, God.
What now?
Do you know?
Hah. It doesn't matter what you say, though, does it?
I want to fly.
I've always wanted to.
Oh God, have you ever flown through the clouds and spume, above the rolling breakers, out there over the sea, so far out, where you can't see the land at all... What's it like?
Is it beautiful?
Does it make your heart soar, like it wants to fly right out of your chest?
Does it make your blood rush through your veins like fire, and your breath catch in your throat, does it make you want to scream and sing and cry and laugh all at once?
Does it make you feel so alive, so in love with the world, so that you'll never want to let go, not ever...
Ahh, but that's a lie, isn't it?
Because that's how Sasuke and Sai made me feel, when we were together, all three of us. Alone. Just happy, because we were there.
But like I said, it wasn't like it lasted.
Now they're gone, I don't want to live anymore.
Does that make me a coward?
That I can't bear the thought of life without them anymore?
They were my reason to live. They made me happier than anything in my life. We had each other. The three of us, together. We were perfect.
Then Chouji kept me alive, because I had to keep him alive, even when he wanted to die.
I guess I'm a hypocrite, huh? Thinking about it like that. But he thanked me. He has Ino. He's glad to be alive, now, even though it he wakes up screaming every night, and can't kiss her because it hurts too much, thinking of Shikamaru who can't be there to love her with him.
Now... What's left?
Huh. You'd be proud, Sasuke. I've never thought so much in my life. You'd tease me about it, too, like the asshole you are. And laugh at me when I complained, and Sai would laugh too, and make some perverted comment, and then you'd kiss me for looking embarrassed, and Sai would say he was getting left out, and we'd end up just lying around together, tangled up on our big bed, and you two would go to sleep and I'd lie in the dark and smile at the ceiling because I love you so much.
Anyway. I'll be seeing you two soon, even if we're in hell or heaven or wherever. I don't care so long as you're with me.
So, God. Take me to them, 'kay?
I love you, Sasuke. Sai.
Don't know if I love you, God, after everything that's happened, but well, I don't hate you, and that's something.
Everything has a reason.
At least, I hope so.
the rain whipping past
the mist from the waves crashing against the cliff face
the screaming of the seagulls
the boom of the sea in the caves under the rocks
the wind tearing at me like it's trying to hold me back, but all I want is to fall faster, fly faster, higher, deeper, into the sky and the sea and the land and I'm dying so fast so soon so close so close
I feel so alive.
Thanks, God.
fin