Fool Me
Ianto Jones. Ianto Jones. Ianto. Jones. Even my own name sounds foreign to me.
What happened to my life? I used to be comfortable, happy... with Lisa. Until that day. That day that caused so much disaster. The lives of many were ruined beyond repair on that normal calendar day…including mine.
Now, what am I? I'm just the tea boy. I serve tea to a group of people who work in an underground bunker, attempting to catch aliens. It sounds ridiculous even in my head. I'm partaking in an affair with my boss, and I don't know what it means. Are there any feelings involved? Or is Jack just looking for his latest hit? I do not know. All I know is that my body is contaminated, as is my mind, and all of me.
Who are my friends? I have none. I am alone. The only people I communicate with are my work associates and the owner of the local corner shop. I do not know any of these people. I cannot get to know them; they are far too busy to notice me. They don't have time to talk to me. They don't want to talk to me.
Was it all in vain? Everything I did to help Lisa…bring her back. Yet was I helping Lisa, or just trying to grasp onto the past, clinging onto the only thing I knew? Was it all pointless? Everything I have done in this life has come to nothing. Now that she is gone, I hear nothing. All around me is the sound of silence. Yet, that's the way I want it, isn't it? That's the way I've made it for myself. Silence is easy.
What's the world like? As I walk out into the bitter cold, I shiver. Yet I smile. At least, this is evidence that I am still alive. The wind strikes my face like a raging bull, as I struggle to see. I take refuge under a dying tree; stripped of all but a few dead leaves. Just like myself.
What do I see? I can see people. I wish I were one of them. Those ordinary people with everyday lives. I'm dying inside, yet nothing changes. They do not know of my pain. They do not care about my pain. They have their own lives to lead. Yet I would do anything to trade with one of them, even just for a day.
Who are you, Captain Jack Harkness? Who are you to me? A boss, a lover, a fling? I dared you to fool me; pretend that I was any other man. You were supposed to end my pain, but you didn't. It's still here. I am tired of the masks we wear; I wish you could be honest with me. We do not communicate in the way that we should. I cannot help feeling for you, Captain. Yet, even so, I am tired of this charade. I love this game we play, innocent children lost in a world of imagination. But it must come to an end. We cannot continue in this way. I cannot be with you, yet not be with you. I either have to live with or without you; we cannot stray somewhere in between. For I know all I shall do is fall harder and harder for you.
What happens next? Do I speak with you? Force you to talk to me? Yes, I suppose that would be a suitable option. Yet will you speak, or just seduce me all over again? I do not know the answer. You flit between me and your work, forever focused. To me, Jack, you are like some language I don't understand. I need you to open up to me. Just once. Free me from this cage of doubt.
So, my Captain, I ask this one favour.
Do not fool me again.