104 things I am NOT Allowed to do in the NYPD
Author's Note: I was looking at the stories that were inspired by the Skippy List, and I noticed that there weren't any CSI: NY-related ones. So, I decided to make this list. Enjoy. Also Jessica and Aiden are not dead for my list.
Disclaimer: Skippy was the inspiration for this list. Everything else I have borrowed belongs to its respective owner.
Summary: A quick list of stuff not to do in the NYPD.
I am not allowed to pose as Alfred when Don Flack Jr. is in the vicinity.
Nor am I allowed to refer to him as "Master Bruce."
He has heard all of the Batman/Bruce Wayne jokes before and doesn't want to hear them again.
The Tuxedo Mask jokes may be new, but he doesn't want to hear those either.
Nor am I to show Sailor Moon DVD's to any officer, pause when Tuxedo Mask (or his alter ego Darien Shields) appears on-screen, point to Flack and say "See, see, I told you Tuxedo Mask exists" or anything of that nature.
Dyeing Jessica Angell's hair and fixing it up to look like Sailor Moon's should also be considered inappropriate.
Jessica Angell is not Sailor Moon, period.
Dyeing Lindsey Messer's hair any shade of green or blue does not make her Sailor Mercury, Sailor Neptune or Sailor Pluto.
Stella Bonasera is not Sailor Jupiter, Sailor Uranus or Sailor Venus.
Aiden Burn is not Sailor Mars or Sailor Saturn.
If Mac talks about honor, that is not an invitation to do the "Trust Dance of the Manly Brotherhood of Men."
"Go, go Power Rangers!" is not the new official cheer or theme song for the New York Rangers, and I should not tell Flack that it is.
Comparing Flack's tushy to the "teeny, tiny tushy" of Tag Jones is not an appropriate investigation.
Anything labeled "Tag Jones" is to immediately be burned.
If it's not and gets leaked, Flack will never hear the end of it, and then, neither will I.
I should not sing "In the Navy" whenever Mac and I cross paths.
Mac does not think the prank calls at 3:33 AM are funny.
The Dr.'s name is Sheldon Hawkes, not Spock.
If I am asked to babysit Lucy, I should not turn it into a "movie night for all of my friends, complete with popcorn."
Especially if those movies are "home movies."
When it comes to bedtime stories for Lucy, I should stick with either princess stories or approved comic books, not what happened to Uncle Don during "Take Your Pet to Work Day."
I should assume that mentioning Adam's baby fat is off limits.
Nor should I call him "my squishy teddy bear."
The reconstruction dummies are for crime reconstruction purposes only, not reconstructions of my sexual fantasies.
I will not instigate any food fight in the lab.
Especially if Mac is providing the food.
Lindsey does not have "an affinity with bugs" so I should stop telling people that she does.
I can also assume that putting bugs in her lunch will get me a "severe reprimand."
Posing as Sonny Sassone while I am anywhere near Danny Messer is not funny and can land me in the hospital.
If I, at any point, have filmed Devon Maxford, I should burn the tapes before Flack finds out about them.
"I shot the sheriff" will be taken as a confession in the interrogation room.
Yes, even if I say, "But I didn't shoot the deputy."
The interrogation room is not where the detectives "get it on," and I should stop telling rookies that it is.
Telling rookies that they can have the detective of their choice to "get it on" with is also not advisable.
That is an interrogation room, not the Octagon or a cage for cage-fighting.
I should refund those people's money and take back the tickets I sold.
I should also stop selling any more tickets.
Aiden does not know who Hone Onna is, so I should stop telling people that it's her.
She doesn't know who Ai Enma is either.
I should not put on a black kimono with flowers on it, put red contacts in my eyes and chase my coworkers while giving the Hell Girl speech.
In Japanese or English.
I am not allowed to put the DNA and/or fingerprints of coworkers I don't like in AFIS or CODIS.
I am not allowed to put false priors on the records of said coworkers either.
Haylen Becall is not "living proof that Adam has been sent to hell," and I should really stop telling people that she is.
Same is true about her for any coworker.
The Hell Girl and her assistants do not exist, no matter how much I want them to, so I should just stop looking.
Peaches is nowhere in this lab either.
There is no such thing as "Fangirl Day" and I am not allowed to let them near Danny or Flack.
No one wants to see what I can do with red food coloring.
Nor should I ask any of my more mischievous coworkers to help me demonstrate.
Lindsey is not "The Chick", and I should not tell anyone she is.
If I get a subpoena to search my coworkers' homes, then that is stalkerish and a waste of a subpoena.
No, I am not allowed to remind Stella she has crappy luck with guys.
I also shouldn't chant "Do it, Do it" ad nauseum if she and Mac are in his office alone.
I am not authorized to handle any picture or video equipment.
Especially since the last time I had either.
I cannot film my coworkers doing stupid things, and send the tapes to AFV or the Smoking Gun presents.
I am not allowed to come to the lab drunk.
Especially since I am known for standing outside certain places and making dying animal noises when drunk.
No, the phrase "draining the lizard" does not call for my drunken, dying animal noises.
Nor does it call for the (drunken) war cry of "SAVE THAT LIZARD!"
That lizard does not deserve a funeral or a memorial.
I am also known for stripping and offering certain coworkers lap dances when drunk.
Not allowed to imitate Voldo in the lab at all.
Same goes for Ivy.
Hell with it, I am not allowed to imitate any character from the Soulcalibur series period.
If I want a good time, I am not allowed to call any of the numbers on the bathroom stall since those are probably the numbers of my coworkers.
I also should not put my coworkers' numbers on the bathroom stall.
My mischievous coworkers and I are not to be left alone with Photoshop.
It's Internal Affairs Brigade, not "Internal Affairs Bastards."
Chief Sinclair, not "Chief Douche bag."
If one of my coworkers "smells something funny," I am not allowed to stand behind another coworker, take two sniffs and shout "PEEEEEEE YEEEEEWWWWWWWW!"
Following that up or making a similar "observation" is also a bad idea.
Not allowed to make a list of coworkers, ranking them from smartest to dumbest.
Even if we all know who would be at the bottom.
Just because our beloved coworker only has a high school diploma, it does not mean he's dumb.
A blue suit, hair gel, a plain red tie, and a book on law are not appropriate gifts to give Flack.
A trench coat is not an appropriate gift either.
A maroon suit complete with cravat, pale grey hair dye and a book on law is not an appropriate gift for Mac.
A green suit and red visor, a purple jacket and black suit or a red suit and hair gel and a book on law are not appropriate gifts for Danny.
A white dress complete with whip, pale blue hair dye and a book on law is not an appropriate gift for Aiden.
A revealing, black dress, a yellow scarf, a purple necklace and a book on law are not appropriate gifts for Stella.
They hear Flack yelling "OBJECTION!" and pointing menacingly at people, or ending all of his sentences with "pal," then they will know I had something to do with it.
Same with Danny, Mac or Stella.
They hear Aiden yelling "OBJECTION!" and cracking the whip, I had better run for my life.
It's Danny Messer, not "Danny Summers."
Start returning those ruby-quartz sunglasses.
This is the NYPD crime lab, not "Professor Xavier's Home for Gifted Youngsters."
Nobody wants to hear about the "private investigator's job" I do in my spare time.
Nobody wants to hear about my findings of my coworkers' extracurricular activities either.
Those gargoyles are not going to come to life at night.
Not allowed to call them by name.
I am to assume that dressing in a loincloth or dresscloth that lets it all hang out so I can "join the clan" will earn me a trip to the interrogation room to "explain my activities."
We are not on the lookout for David Xanatos, and I should stop telling rookies that we are.
Stella Bonasera is not related to David Xanatos, and I should stop telling people she is.
I am not going to look up at the sky and cover my head every 5 minutes.
"Because there goes the Spider-Man" is not an excuse.
Not allowed to bring spiders in to bite people to turn them into Spider-Man/Woman.
Yes, I am supposed to wear the funny suit when I am dealing with radioactive materials.
No matter how badly I want superpowers.
Addendum:
Not allowed to encourage Sid to go to his "creepy place."
No matter what Sheldon said to me.
I am not allowed to celebrate anything "Sid Hammerback style."
Even if I can't feel a thing.
I hope you enjoyed it, please review. Anyone who can guess the Peaches reference gets a cookie.