EXT. HOUSE - DAY
MARY stands on the front porch of a house, ringing the
doorbell. The door opens, revealing MRS. BLANKENSHIP.
MRS. BLANKENSHIP
Hello, dear! Cookie?
Mrs. Blankenship holds up a tray of cookies.
MARY
Oh, Mrs. Blankenship. I wasn't
expecting -
TERENCE (O.S.)
No cookies for her!
MRS. BLANKENSHIP
Oh, right.
(to Mary)
Sorry, dear.
Mrs. Blankenship steps out of the way to reveal TERENCE,
DAWN, and BONHAM sitting in the living room.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mary stands in the doorway, surprised to see the group.
MARY
Everyone's already here? I thought
I was early.
TERENCE
We started the meeting half an hour
early to discuss your
transgression!
MARY
What?
TERENCE
Fraternizing with the enemy! You
gave Sammy Loomis a whole jar of
pickles!
MARY
You told me to earn his trust so
then you could convince him to join
us!
TERENCE
Not by giving him free stuff. You
know what that kind of infraction
means.
MIKE walks up behind Mary and taps her on the shoulder.
MIKE
Hey, how's it goin'?
MARY
No!
Mike picks Mary up and carries her into the house.
MARY
Put me down!
He hangs her on a coat hook by her shirt collar.
TERENCE
Fifteen minutes on the Coat Hook of
Shame.
MARY
This is so totally humiliating.
TERENCE
That's the point. Now don't do it
again or you won't get any more rub-on
tattoos of our club logo. Dawn,
what's next on the agenda?
Dawn looks at a clipboard.
DAWN
Potato salad.
TERENCE
Yes, of course. The Loomis
Lunchbuddies have won the potato
salad contest three years in a row!
We cannot stand for this! Luckily,
we have our newest member, Mike.
Mike waves.
MIKE
Hey.
TERENCE
He made a potato salad when he was
only six years old that Sammy
himself ate when he was principal
of Mike's school and declared to be
"pure deliciousness." Now we will
replicate that glorious salad and
win the contest!
MIKE
Yeah, um, about that. I
don't...remember how I made it.
TERENCE
What?!
MIKE
I kind of just threw stuff into a
bowl...because I was six.
TERENCE
Damn it!
MIKE
I do have a video of me making it.
TERENCE
Really? Bonham, can you do
anything with that?
BONHAM
I could possibly reconstruct the
salad by analyzing the footage.
TERENCE
Brilliant! Mike, show Bonham the
video, and Bonham, you make the
salad. Everyone meet up in my
kitchen at six.
INT. KITCHEN - EVENING
Terence, Mary, Dawn, and Mrs. Blankenship stand around.
MRS. BLANKENSHIP
Do you know why we celebrate
National Pizza Day?
TERENCE
Oh boy, here we go.
MRS. BLANKENSHIP
A long, long time ago, it was a
night of great pepperoni -
TERENCE
Yes, yes, we know. Dawn, how long
have we been waiting here?
DAWN
Twenty minutes.
MARY
Well Bonham and Mike better hurry
up. I'm starving.
TERENCE
You don't get any potato salad!
I'm still mad at you! You get
cheese on stale crackers!
MARY
Fine.
Mary picks up a block of cheese and shoves it through a
dicer, slicing it into small chunks.
The patio door slides open, and Bonham and Mike walk in,
Bonham carrying a plastic-wrap-covered bowl of potato salad.
BONHAM
Sorry we're late. The video was
hard to analyze because the screen
was mostly dark except for two
holes that you could see through.
MIKE
When I was six I didn't want to get
my parents' camcorder messy, and
all I had was a brown paper grocery
bag, so I put the camcorder in the
bag and cut two holes in front of
the lens.
BONHAM
Most of what I could make out was
just potatoes getting erratically
stabbed with a knife.
Bonham holds up the bowl.
BONHAM
But I think I managed to make it
work.
TERENCE
Good job! Everyone grab a spoon.
Bonham sets the bowl on the kitchen table and rips off the
plastic wrap. Everyone picks up a spoon, except for Mary,
who opens a sleeve of Ritz crackers.
TERENCE
Commence tasting ceremony in three,
two, one. Go!
Mary steps back as Terence, Bonham, Dawn, Mike, and Mrs.
Blankenship eat a spoonful of the potato salad - and
immediately start vomiting.
TERENCE
Good god! The potatoes are rotten!
DAWN
And the eggs!
MRS. BLANKENSHIP
Oh dear!
Mrs. Blankenship passes out.
MIKE
Only a smoothie can cleanse this
horror!
Mike grabs a blender from the counter.
TERENCE
Don't pull on the blender! The
outlet has bad wiring!
A spark shoots from the outlet the blender is plugged into.
The ceiling lights start strobing. Mary smiles as the others
puke all over each other.
TERENCE
How could you not know the potatoes
and eggs were bad!
BONHAM
I'm sorry! I didn't actually make
the salad! Mary said she'd make it
while Mike and I got blackout
drunk!
TERENCE
Mary?!
Mary flicks a Ritz cracker with a chunk of cheese on it at
Terence.
MARY
Shove your coat hook up your ass!
Mary runs out of the kitchen.
THE END