"Sometimes Sirius, you go too far," Remus said softly. The words weren't full of the contempt or accusation that Sirius was expecting, but they stung just the same.
Remus walked across the Gryffindor common room and sat down beside the fire, then used his wand to increase the flames. His gaze darted from the fire, to the elaborate Christmas tree in the center of the room, to the floor, back to the fire.
Shit. Remus wouldn't even look at him.
"It was an accident," Sirius said, and it was true. It wasn't Sirius's fault. Sure, he'd concocted the potion. And yes, it was advanced magic. That had never stopped them before. It was suppose to have been funny. Peter had agreed to it. This wasn't like a stupid prank - -
The prank. This wasn't about Peter at all. This was about the prank. The fucking prank that Sirius had done everything to forget and Remus had seemed to do everything to forgive. But some wounds went deeper than others. Sirius didn't want to be haunted by that one mistake his entire life.
"He broke his leg," Remus said. As if Sirius didn't know. As if he hadn't been the one to carry Peter from the edge of the Forbidden Forest all the way to the hospital wing himself.
"I know. But I didn't break it. This isn't my fault."
"But it was your idea," Remus said.
Sirius had had enough. "That's like blaming Ollivander for a bad grade in Charms."
"You knew what the Centaurs were capable of!" Remus finally turned to look Sirius in the eye. "You knew how they would react if they found out he was using Polyjuice Potion. He's lucky to be alive."
"He didn't have to volunteer to do it! I didn't force him!"
"You didn't have to. You know how Peter is. He's - - he's - - "
"The bravest bastard I've seen this year." Sirius chuckled. "Did you see the way he galloped across the field and cleared that fallen tree? It had to have been 6 feet high."
"This is what I'm talking about!" Remus said. "You know he'll do anything to get attention. He's always looking for a chance to prove himself. You don't know what it's like. It's always you and James. The best at everything. Classes. Quidditch. Everybody loves you, me included."
"What can I say? We're irresistible."
Remus didn't crack a smile. "Sometimes you take it too far."
Sirius felt the heat burn in his cheeks. "Why is it so damn hot in here?" Sirius pulled out his wand and lowered the flames on the fire. It was too warm. It had to be. Sirius Black did not blush. He was never ashamed. He did not apologize for his actions. He was a Black.
His name which used to be a comfort made him sick. Without another word he turned and walked out the door.
His first instinct was to go find James. He decided against it. The last thing he wanted to hear was another lecture. Since James had started dating Lily, his nagging skills had become more pronounced. Endless practice of convincing Lily to join in their marauding had honed his skills of persuasion until he was almost unbearable to be around. Almost.
The trouble was, he used his new skill for Head Boy lecturing as well. Students breaking rules in the halls were bombarded by a new James. One who followed the rules. Most of the time James threw off the Head Boy act around his friends, but Sirius wasn't about to take that chance. If he ran into James the way he felt right now and got a lecture, he might do something he'd regret.
He mumbled the password to the Prefect's bathroom and pushed through the door. The white marble sparkled under the candle chandelier. The lights reflected off the water in the huge sunken tub. It looked like heaven.
Not even bothering to lock the door, Sirius pulled off his clothes. He sat on the edge of the pool and slid into the water. The temperature was perfect. Not too hot. Not too cold. He turned one of the crystal knobs and bright blue bubbles filled the pool to overflowing. Bubblebaths always made him feel better, not that he would ever admit that to a living soul.
The soft bubbles tickled his skin as he sunk down into the foam and floated on his back around the pool. Sirius lost track of how long he lay in the water. It might have been hours. All he knew was one minute he was lost in his thoughts, and the next he opened his eyes and the bubbles were gone.
Moaning Myrtle stared down at him from her perch on the chandelier.
"Myrtle! What the hell are you doing in here?" Sirius asked.
Myrtle giggled. "Remus was right."
Sirius swam to the edge of the pool, turning the bubbles back on. "About what?" He'd never been a prude but then again, he'd never had a ghost stare at him like that either. It was unsettling.
"He said you were a work of art." She giggled again, adjusting her glasses on her head to stare down at him, as if she could see through the bubbles. For all Sirius knew, maybe she could.
Sirius snorted. It sounded like something Remus would say. Once the bubbles filled the pool, Myrtle floated down until she hovered just above the water.
"I used to have to spend my Christmas's at Hogwarts too." Her eyes filled with tears. "The family always left me to go off on a holiday trip with my cousins. They never liked me. Nobody ever liked me."
Sirius sighed. Listening to Myrtle moan about her family wasn't what he'd had in mind when he'd come into the bathroom. "They couldn't be worse than my family. My mother would dress up the house-elves."
"What's so dreadful about that?" Myrtle said, wiping her nose on her sleeve.
Sirius grimaced. "The house-elves were dead and their heads were hanging on the wall in the front hall."
"Oh. That is dreadful," Myrtle said.
"Then she'd decorate the family tapestry and enchant the names to light up in shades of red and green. Those that she'd blasted off she'd have fires burning in their place with soft screams of their voices filling the air with Christmas cheer." His voice probably joined that of the others on the tapestry, this year.
It was the first Christmas he'd spent without a family. He knew he should be happy. For years, he'd wanted nothing more to get away from them. Every year things got worse. Another disappointment for his mother to place on him. Another proclamation about how the state of tainted blood lines would condemn the entire wizarding community to trouble. He hated them. He hated everything they stood for. But he was still a Black.
He wondered how on earth women could ever part with their last name. Such a simple thing. Yet it was so bound up in his identity, he couldn't get rid of it if he wanted to. He couldn't scrub it off himself in the prefect's bathtub no matter how many cleaning potions he tried, or how many scourgifies he used.
He thought ridding himself of them would be freedom. Instead it was just lonely. And that made him angry. Sure, James, Peter, and Remus had all stayed at Hogwarts over the holidays but they knew that there was a family waiting for them with open arms should they want to celebrate at home. Just the knowing was a comfort beyond words. One that had been stripped away from Sirius. Or more like blasted away. Mum was always brutal on the family tree.
He climbed out of the pool, ignoring Myrtle's giggles and got dressed. The bubblebath wasn't as relaxing as he'd hoped it would be.
Dressed and dried, Sirius headed towards the Great Hall. The Christmas Eve dinner should just be starting. Although the official Christmas feast would be held tomorrow, Christmas Eve was also a fun night at Hogwarts. As a special Christmas tradition, the house-elves prepared whatever you requested no matter how ridiculous and non-nutritious it was.
Sirius stood just outside the doorway, peering into the Great Hall. The room was the most festive in the entire castle. Huge towering Christmas trees lined the room. Enchanted garland and tinsel covered everything, from the chairs to the sides of the walls, to just hovering in the air in swirling Christmas designs.
Gathered around the one table that sat in the middle of the room were all the students and professors who'd stayed behind over the holidays. Sirius saw two empty chairs. One for himself. One for Peter. Remus and James sat at the end of the table. Their laughter filled the room, echoing off the walls.
In front of Remus were three enormous chocolate sundaes. Sirius grinned. When they'd been first years, Remus had insisted on getting an entire chocolate cake and had spent the rest of the night in the hospital wing. Hopefully, this wouldn't be a repeat of that night.
"It simply isn't fair." Nearly Headless Nick floated up beside him.
"What isn't?"
"The Society for Headless Horsemen is holding their annual Christmas Eve Ball and once again, I was denied an invitation." Nick sighed. "Dumbledore gave me his best recommendation and they ignored it completely."
Sirius gazed in at the happy faces. Remus had finished one sundae and was starting on the next. Whip cream covered the end of his nose. James was waving his arms around, explaining some dramatic story to the group who giggled as he spoke.
"You know what's worse," Nick said. "Knowing that the party is going on at this very minute and being forced to stand on the sidelines, to be a spectator. Knowing how much they're enjoying themselves and not being able to join in. Tomorrow they'll come around and expect me to listen to their gossip. Who's head ended up in the punch bowl and so on." Nick glided down the hallway. "No matter what I do, I'll always be the outsider."
Sirius stood at the edge of the door. McGonagall covered a laugh with her napkin while Flickwit enchanted a sprig of mistletoe to hang over Dumbledore's head. Remus and James didn't even bother to cover their laughter. Both nearly fell over when McGonagall leaned in and kissed Dumbledore soundly on the lips.
All Sirius had to do was step inside. One step was all it would take to be a part of the group. Yet too many unknowns stood between him and the doorway. Would they welcome him? Would their be pity in their eyes? All the professors knew he'd left home. James and Remus blamed him for Peter's injury. It wasn't worth the risk. He turned and head back to Gryffindor Tower. He knew he was a coward. But rejection wasn't something he could face today.
His shuffling footsteps echoed through the corridors. Sirius kicked a quill that lay discarded on the floor and watched it roll down the hall. It came flying back at him, smacking him right in the face.
Peeves darted out of one of the empty classrooms. "Deck the halls with Sirius Black! No friends to watch his back! Fa La La La La!"
Sirius drew his wand. He chased Peeves down the hallways, cursing as he ran. "Come back here!"
Peeves zoomed down the hallway. "Jingle Black, Jingle Black!" His voice rang out as he disappeared into the trophy room. "Filch would love to find you. Wandering around all alone on Christmas Eve."
Sirius followed after him. But Peeves had been waiting for him. Sirius tripped and flew through the air. Trophies crashed to the ground. Peeves heckled loudly. "Deck the floor with Sirius Black!"
Sirius pushed himself up on his knees and was face to face with the Quidditch Cup from last year. Engraved into the golden cup were the names of the players. The only one that Sirius saw was the name: Bellatrix Black. Sirius remembered the game well. It was the only time Gryffindor had lost all year. Over the summer, Sirius had heard Regulus and Bellatrix gloating that they'd cheated in order to win.
"I'm not like them! I'm not!" Sirius yelled.
Peeves zoomed out of the trophy room. In the hall, Sirius could hear Peeves chattering excitedly to Filch. "He's made a mess of things. And on Christmas Eve."
Filch's slow but steady footsteps made their way closer and closer. "If I catch him, I'll have him spending Christmas alone. With as much trouble that boy's caused he should spend the next twenty Christmas's alone."
Sirius slipped out the side door and tiptoed down the hall away from their voices. He wandered aimless through the corridors.
They were wrong. After Hogwarts, he could holiday with the Potters or if things kept going the way they were he wouldn't need them. Maybe he'd just lay in bed all day with Remus every Christmas. Maybe he'd start that tradition this year. But he wouldn't be alone. Never.
He wasn't like Bellatrix. Sure he took things to the edge, but he didn't cheat. He didn't lie. He didn't intentionally hurt people. That had to count for something.
Sirius marched back to Gryffindor Tower. He didn't have to be his last name. He was more than a name. He was best friend. And sometimes Quidditch player. He was Padfoot. Yes. Padfoot. That was a name he could live with.
He scrambled through the portrait hole. His eyes immediately seeking out Remus, who was curled up in his favorite chair by the fire.
"I'm not going to be like them," Sirius stated defiantly, crossing his arms across his chest.
Remus frowned and stared up at him. "Like who?"
Sirius sighed. How could he not know? "The most noble and ancient house of Black."
Remus put his parchment down and turned to Sirius. "Who ever said you were?"
"You said I went too far."
"Too far, yes. Toujour Pur? Hell, no." Remus stood up in front of Sirius and leaned in close until they were barely touching. "I've never thought that." His breath was warm against his neck.
"But I'm going to do better. I can change. I already have. You may not believe it. And sometimes I may not even believe it. But I've changed." Sirius knew he sounded ridiculous. He didn't care.
Remus smiled, his tone only slightly mocking. "Of course you have."
"You'll see," Sirius said, relaxing now that the humor was back in Remus's face and the tension between them had vanished. "You just wait."
"I've been waiting all night for you," Remus said. "Where'd you run off to anyway?"
"Just taking a soak with Moaning Myrtle in the Prefect's bathroom. It was quite an educational experience." Sirius grinned wickedly. " Now, Mr. Lupin, would you mind explaining to me exactly why you've been gossiping about my anatomy to a ghost?"
Remus stammered over his answer. "She was talking, I mean, we were talking and - - "
"Yes?"
"I guess I wanted to show you off a little. It's not like I can do it around school. And nobody would believe Myrtle anyway." Remus smiled a bit sheepishly. "You wouldn't believe some of the things that girl has seen."
"How about we go over to that nice big tub and add a few more things to her list," Sirius said. "You'd be amazed at how stunning I look under the glow of the candlelit chandelier and all that white marble."
Remus thought that was an excellent idea.
The next morning, Sirius woke with a smile as big as the ones he'd had when he'd wake up on Christmas morning as a boy. Only this time, it wasn't the anticipation of presents that had him grinning but the fact that Remus had a hand down his pajama pants.
"Happy Christmas." A chocolaty smelling voice huffed close to his face.
"It's Christmas!" Sirius sprang up in the bed, brushing away Remus's hand. They had no time to waste. "Well, come on. Get up. It's Christmas! We can't just lay around in bed all day."
Remus stared at him. His mouth hung open. "Who are you and what have you done with Sirius?"
"If we're going to get the tree and the decorations and the presents all over to the hospital wing before Peter and James wake up then by all means stay in bed and jack off. I know you, it won't take long." Sirius had pulled off his pajamas, ignored his growing erection, and tugged on his trousers. "I, on the other hand, have stamina and self-control. Something of which you have never learned."
Sirius knew his words were complete bullshit. When it came to Remus, Sirius had never been able to wait.
With a pile of presents floating along behind them, they struggled down the hallways, trying to keep the tree from running into the walls or knocking over the suits of armor. It was easy to enchant a tree to walk, but keeping it moving in the right direction was another problem entirely. It didn't help that the presents kept trying to get ahead of themselves as if they were in some sort of race with each other. The mental concentration it took to move so many objections at once had them exhausted by the time they arrived at the hospital wing.
Sensing their destination they surged forward. The tree banged hard against the foot of Peter's bed, and the presents ended up raining down upon him. Letting out a little screech, Peter shot up in his bed, scrambling for his wand.
Realizing where he was, he flopped back into the covers. "Shit. I saw that tree and thought I was back in the forest again."
James laughed from the bed beside him. "Only you would confuse a tree covered in bright red and gold shining tinsel for one in a forest."
"Through the eyes of a centaur, all trees take on the shades of Gryffindor," Peter said, through his own laughter. He looked at Sirius. "What is all this anyway?"
Sirius bowed dramatically. "Since you couldn't attend Christmas. I've brought Christmas to you."
Peter clapped enthusiastically and Sirius did his best to hold back a cringe. He hated that damn clapping.
"How's the leg?" Remus asked, sitting on the foot of the bed.
Peter shrugged. "Sore. I'm gonna have to use a crutch for a week or two. I wanted to use one of those enchanted hover chairs but Madam Pomfrey says it's best if I keep weight on the leg."
"Ah," Sirius clambered onto the bed and sifted through the gifts until he pulled out a long wrapped present. "That must be what this is."
"Why couldn't it have been a broom?" Peter pulled off the wrapping to find the crutch, which had been color charmed to change from red to gold.
"If it had been a broom, you'd have been in here for more than just a broken leg," James said, stopping long enough from his own presents to glance at the crutch.
Sirius laughed, but not as hard as he'd planned. He was going to be the new Sirius. The kind Sirius. If not forever, at least for today. He owed Peter that much. Anymore and he'd literally end up killing them with kindness. Or they would kill him. Peter better enjoy it while it lasted.
One by one they went through their gifts until only one was left.
"Here's one more you forgot," Sirius handed Peter a small wrapped gift.
Peter read the tag. "It's from my mum." He tore into the wrapper and pulled out a small jar.
"It's powdered asphodel root!" Peter said, excitedly as he struggled to get the lid off. "It has all sorts of restorative properties! With all the hard potions coming up, I thought I could mix up a simple potion to counteract all my mistakes." With one final pull, the lid finally popped free. The powder flew into the air in a cloud of dust. They all exploded into fits of sneezes.
Peter looked at them and said, "God bless us every one!"