I stand in front of a long mirror, focusing my attention on the tie partially around my neck. The conversation between my old pupils fill the room while I carefully wrap it around itself, trying to push the racing thoughts from my mind.
"Are you excited to see him in a tux?" Jesse asks as he buttons up his shirt. I'm not used to seeing him so dressed, but he cleans up nicely. However, he still decided to wear a fucking cowboy hat, at least it's white. "We haven't seen him in one since he got promoted."
"It shall be interesting." Genji states while sliding his scarred arm through the sleeve of his suit.
"What about you, Gabe?" A small sigh escapes my lips as I turn to them, my gaze piercing through them with a cold chill. It's obnoxious to ask a question you already know the answer to.
"Can we just get dressed and start moving?" The room falls silent for a second, only to be broken by one of my oldest friends.
"Are you going to be ok?" A twinge of emotion penetrates his thick German accent.
"Of course I will, I don't want to be late is all." My attention returns to my tie, finally pulling it into place tightly around my neck. In a few short moments the group relocates downstairs to a row of black cars lined up at the sidewalk. Reinhardt takes shotgun of the first car, leaving the back seats to be filled by Genji, Jesse, and I.
Once the lineup is filled the cars take to the road, gently rocking with each crack they encounter. Feeling impatient, and slightly anxious, I take out my phone. I open the photos app and click on the album entitled 'us.' Scrolling through the playlist of pictures of him and I, back when we worked for Overwatch, hypnotizes me into forgetting the rest of the world. I still have my old uniform hanging in my closet at home. Might be a little tight but probably could still fit. A particular picture of Jack catches my eye, causing me to stop scrolling for a moment. He had taken a selfie while I went to the bathroom. Actually, he had spammed a bunch of them, but I kept this one because of that smile of his. He had taken so many one's with goofy faces, but this last one. It was so genuine and kind, filled with so much love. I couldn't help but smile at it, feeling the warmth that his silly grin gives me even after all these years.
Before I know it the car rolls to a gentle stop, prompting me to place my phone back into my pocket accompanied by a ping of displeasure. We exit the car, taking a look at our surroundings as we wait for the rest to do the same. Newly warm spring air gently sways the blooming trees that surround the church.
I spot familiar faces inside the lobby, mingling as everyone arrives to the scene. I gracefully weave myself between the masses of bodies, keeping my targets in sight.
"How is everyone?" My voice booms, catching their attention. Years of practice. I'm greet by a barrage of hellos before one specifically calls to me.
"Gabe! How nice is it to see you again!" As peppy as always.
"It's been awhile Lena, how're you?" Her bright smiles seems to never fade, even in the darkest of times.
"Well Emily and I have moved in together, so things are going pretty swell." She gently pats me on the back, giving me a reassuring look. "Gotta go! Bridesmaid stuff, I'll see you after the ceremony." By instinct now she dashes forward, disappearing into the crowd. I face the others in the group. Small talk pools out of our mouths as we make our way into the heart of the building.
It's strange seeing everyone like this, almost like Overwatch is breathing again. It's bittersweet. Everyone takes their place inside the church, including me, standing in anticipation. I face forward, each second passing feeling like a minute. The loud sound of opening doors nearly makes me flinch like a slap to the face. My beating heart rings in my ears. The faster than normal pace only adding insult to injury.
Each step he takes echoes through the church. The air has become so dense it's hard to breathe. I can hear him getting closer and closer, until…
My body tenses up and a burn spreads across my cheeks as I watch him walk past me. It's been months since I've seen him, he still looks so handsome. He takes his place at the altar, flattening out his suit as he waits. We collectively take our seats as we wait for the bride. My eyes refuse to leave him as if there's force keeping them in place, unblinking.
The music starting quickly becomes a fuzzy blur as the questions consume my psyche. A million scenarios run through my head about how things could have been different, how I could have made them different. What if I stayed, what if we tried to stay together, or what if I planned to come back and he waited. Would we even had made it, was this for the best? How could that be if whenever I see him my body starts to burn.
The world comes back into reality as everyone rises to their feet. I follow along, trying to reign in my emotions. It's too late for these questions anyway. We're walking our separate paths, and I don't believe they converge down the road. At least he'll be happy.
Each begin their vows, a few jokes and chuckles being thrown for good measure. I don't even recognize when I've stopped listening. The thoughts crescendo into a blasting symphony of regret, anger, jealousy, and sadness. I would give anything to be the person up there with him, but I'm a fucking idiot and abandoned him. Now I'll never be his, the person he depends on to hold him up when he's down. I was the person he trusted the most. He turned to me in a crisis. He looked at me with those loving eyes. I was the one who'd bring him to his knees and make him unable to speak. WE were the ones who thought about getting married.
My jaw tightens like a wrench as I try to stop the mist from covering my eyes. I close them for a second, taking some deep breaths to calm my nerves. I managed to pull myself together before the end of the ceremony. I return my attention at the most inconvenient time, the sealing kiss like a stab to the chest. The room erupts in applause as the couple make their way down the aisle. For a second our eyes meet as he walks by, the first time we've made contact today. I force a sweet smile for him, to which he returns as he passes me once again.
The lot slowly flows into the next room where elegantesque chairs surround a vast number of white clothed tables. Toward the door frames is a standing blackboard with a list of names followed a number. I search for mine, being comforted that I'm sat with the old team. It's nice thinking that Jack was thinking of then, and hopefully my levels of enjoyment. Although it was nice being with them again, it wasn't enough to cushion my current situation. Passing conversations go in one ear and out the other as I stare blankly at the centerpiece of the table.
My deafness is cured by Lena as she grabs my attention.
"Right Gabe? That was hilarious!" My eyes shift to her, only to return to the center piece.
"Yeah." Although I have no context to the statement, I make an effort to seem like I was paying attention. The blandness of my voice however doesn't seem to convince her.
"You doin' alright love?" Guilt wiggles it's way back into me. I shouldn't let my self loathing affect those who are trying to have a good time.
"I'll be fine." I say in a soft, gruff voice. "I'm just thinking." Her eyebrows furrow, the sad expression contradicting the smile on her face.
"Try to enjoy yourself. You have friends here, talk to them. Forget about him."
"I can do that." For the first time this night my voice sounds hopeful. I excuse myself from the table, choosing to set up residence at the open bar.
"What'll you have?"
"Gimme something to help me forget." The bartender sets down a glass with a orangish brown colored liquid in front of me. I quickly take a swig, letting my thoughts loose.
There are so many moments I'll be missing. We use to compete to see who had the best aim by having nerf gun fights around the house. I look down at my drink, gently rubbing my thumb on the glass. Does he miss them at all? The DJ begins to play music in the background, prompting guests to cluster on the dancefloor.
I used to hate his snoring, but ever since I left the nights are too quiet. I have to have a fan on just to get to sleep. He would always go to the store with me because he knew how much I hated getting groceries. He managed to make it fun though, like cutting the list in two and racing to see who could finish first. Oh, and how on cold nights we'd make hot chocolate, settle down on the couch and watch our favorite movies. When we had nothing to do we'd read outside, but back then doing nothing was still something with him.
"Already drinking I see." Ana says with a small chuckle. Her sudden intrusion startles me for a second. Another sip is my only response. "You know, those we hold dear slip away easier than we think. My dear Fareeha already has a fiance, she's growing up too fast."
"My situation is a little different."
"It's not all that different. I wish she could be my baby girl forever, but she will find someone else, and her mom will not be the one she depends on any longer." My head droops down, it's heaviness growing minute by minute.
"Fuck Ana, even if I can't say I love him I always will."
"Try to enjoy yourself, at least for his sake." She pardens herself from the bar, returning to her seat at our table. Alone again. But she's right. What's done is done, there's no use to sitting around feeling shitty for myself because I chose a job over him. I quickly finish off the whiskey before returning to the table.
By now the only plate the remains untouched is mine. A little embarrassed and self conscious, I sit down at my seat and quickly peck apart the meal. For the moment I'm able to relax. I even involve myself in the conversations at the table. An orb of normality surrounds us, completely separate from the rest. The thoughts settle down and the pain subsides for a bit. The relief was well needed but couldn't last forever. Jack and his wife passes the table, setting off the explosive thoughts and feelings again.
I can't help but to find them every so often, watching them eat, dance, talk. The smile on his face is so genuine. That smile has transformed into a double edge sword, bringing me as much pain as it does joy.
A song change, as if on cue, drags my table from their seats to the floor. Wanting to blend in I join them, dancing around with different friends. Even Ana and I take a moment together.
The music blasts with everyone swinging their limbs and bodies to the beat. I on the other hand fumble around, trying to get into a high energy vibe, trying but not succeeding until a familiar brat approaches me.
"You could at least try to look like you're enjoying yourself." He states sarcastically. I roll my eyes, unamused with the comment.
"I apologize. I'll get right on that." He gives me a quick slap to my back for reassurance.
"Hey boss, relax. You're always in a bad mood, it's not good for your health." A small smirk appears on my face.
"You aren't good for my health." The insults causes Jesse to laugh. He's always been strange.
"There's the Reyes I know." A sudden realization hits me, prompting me to pull back my sleeve, revealing a silver watch. After taking a moment to process the information I return my sleeve back to its original position.
"I gotta leave, I have work tomorrow." Jesse's expression fails to change, almost as if he expected this.
"Honestly I'm shocked you got today off." My face contorts into a sour expression with a hint of guilt.
"I made sure to get this day off. But I have to be up early tomorrow so I have to head out now."
"Well it was nice seeing you at least, have a safe trip back." He tips his hat towards me, slipping off with a red head at his side.
"I will, thanks." Without another word I pace to the front of building, opening the door with one hand only to find Jack standing beside it along with a small group of people. His attention turns to me. Our eyes meet and I can feel my pulse start racing, my instincts yelling at me from opposing sides. A part of me wants to run, to hide and let him forget about me, but another part tells me to embrace him and never let go because this could be the last time I ever see him again.
"Leaving so soon?" He asks.
"Yeah, I have to work tomorrow." His expression fails to change as well, perhaps I'm becoming too predictable.
"I'm glad you made it though, it's nice to see you again. I wish we had more time to catch up." It's better this way, I have to accept my consequences.
"I'm sorry. Maybe if I have some time we could talk on the phone?" His lips curl into a small smile.
"I'd like that. Maybe we could a little on your way home, you don't have anyone to drive with?"
"No but I'm fine, you should enjoy the party."
"But I wanted to talk to you, at least for a little. It's been so long." I wanted so desperately to accept, but it would be too much. There's no way I could last that long talking to him.
"No really, it'd be rude of me to keep you. Plus I prefer to drive by myself, talking to you could distract me." His eyebrows furrow and his lips curl downward, leaving a smear of guilt yet again on my soul.
"Hopefully some other times then. If you find yourself needing to talk don't hesitate." His arms extend outward and without control I step forward with mine as well, wrapping my arms around him one last time.
As I hug him I inhale, smelling that cologne he would wear to special occasions, or whenever I asked for him to wear it. I grit my teeth, pressing them into each other as my face tightens, trying to hold back any semblance of sadness or sorrow. It takes all my power to not squeeze him like a boa, and even more to discontinue the moment.
I reel back, splitting us back to ourselves.
"I'll text you when I get home."
"Thank you, drive safe."
"Of course." He takes a side step, allowing me to pass him and walk to the parking lot. As I stroll I hear Jack rejoin the group, the other members asking who I was.
"He's somebody I used to know."