All wizards and witches knew that it wasn't St. Patrick that drove the snakes out of Ireland but a wizard named, Murtagh O'Connor. It was an accident really, involving too much Firewhisky, a new wand, and a spell gone horribly wrong that ended with Murtagh's skin turned completely green and every snake in Ireland gone. For the rest of Murtagh's life, he'd received free Firewhisky everywhere he went. Centuries later, on Murtagh's Day, wizards dyed their skin green in order to get free drinks.
Sirius, however, was not content with a free drink just once a year. So he decided the only way to fix this problem would be to rid all of England of snakes. England was bigger than Ireland, and therefore it would be more impressive a feat. Sirius thought it was the best idea he'd ever had and was already imagining the shot glasses lined up in front of him and holidays named in his honor.
The rest of the Marauders rolled with laughter.
"It's impossible!" James said, falling back onto his bed, huffing with laughter. "Nobody even knows how Murtagh did it. You won't be able to recreate the spell."
Sirius shrugged. "You also didn't think we'd be able to do the Animagus Spell either." He sat on the edge of the bed to tie his shoes.
"But that was different. At least we had a set of instructions to go by," James said.
Sirius grabbed his books. "I don't need instructions. I've got an Invisibility Cloak I can borrow. The entire Restricted Section of the library to research. And Remus to help me."
Remus, who had been listening to Sirius's wild ideas with a bemused expression, simply grinned. "As long as I get free drinks too."
"Of course, Moony." Sirius said, as if any other alternative had never crossed his mind.
…..
In Herbology, a cage with a three-headed snake and one with a leprechaun had been placed at each table. Professor Shinwinks stood at the front of the room, scribbling the complicated instructions for milking snakes for venom on the board.
For the first time all term, Sirius ignored the Slytherin's completely when they walked into the room to take their seats. Instead, he leaned over and whispered to Remus. "Murtagh's Day is in a week. Think that'll be enough time to figure out the spell?"
Remus shrugged. "Probably not, but since when has that ever stopped you?"
Professor Shinwinks put the chalk down and turned back to the class. "The venom of the runespoor is best used for getting rid of leprechaun infestations. This time of year the leprechauns are always at their worst." He reached into the cage and with a swift motion expertly grabbed all three heads in one hand. "Today, we're going to practice milking the runespoor for venom, then applying it to the leprechaun to monitor the effects."
Lily Evans raised her hand. "Does it kill them?"
James snickered, "Aw, poor Evans, doesn't want to kill the ickle leprechauns."
Professor Shinwinks shook his head. "No, Ms. Evans. It only causes the gold they produce to turn green, which they find highly offensive, so they move on. It's perfectly harmless. Next week, each of you will be assigned a section of the boundary of Hogwarts to rid of leprechauns."
Sirius opened the cage and peered inside.
"These runespoors are still quite young, as you can tell by their small size. Their venom isn't nearly as potent at this age, so a bite won't kill you." Shinwinks informed them cheerfully.
"Damn, nasty little buggers!" Sirius pulled his hand out of the cage just barely avoiding a bite.
At the table next to him, Peter laughed. "Too bad you didn't rid England of snakes last week, instead of waiting 'til Murtagh's Day!"
Snape turned around in his seat, the slithering heads of the runespoor griped tightly in his hand. "You're going to rid England of snakes?"
"I'm plan on starting with the Slytherins," Sirius said, reaching for his wand. "Or maybe just with you."
"I'd like to see you try."
"Just wait. Next week there won't be a snake left at Hogwarts!" Sirius growled.
…
Sirius slammed another book shut.
"Shhh! Not so loud!" Remus hissed. "Do you want Madam Pince to hear us?"
Sirius sank onto the floor next to Remus and leaned back against the row of books. "I don't care if she does. Maybe she'll take pity on me and help me with the spell."
"I doubt it."
They'd been searching the library every day for the past week, and they still hadn't had any luck. The closest they'd come was a Dark Magic spell that wiped out an entire species of birds for chirping too cheerfully, but that spell had taken an entire generation to infect the whole species. They hadn't been able to find anything that killed instantaneously over long distances.
"How about instead of ridding England of snakes, I rid them of Peter Pettigrew, the loudest mouth in England," Sirius said.
"He told you he was sorry."
"Yeah, I know. I heard him the first thousand times."
Remus stifled a grin. "He even offered to help you hunt down and kill each individual snake in England."
"I couldn't put up with him for that long."
"Listen, it's not that bad. So they'll laugh at you. You'll kick their arses and get detention," Remus said. "It'll all blow over in a week."
"Thanks so much for helping me see the bright side of things," Sirius said.
"You ready to give up?" Remus asked.
Sirius pulled his leg away. "No. I think I'll look a bit longer. You go on to bed. Full moon's this weekend, you need your rest."
"You sure?" Remus asked.
Sirius nodded. "There are a few more books I want to look in. You might as well get some sleep."
….
Word had spread through the school about Sirius's plan and the entire student body was on the edge of their seat on Murtagh's Day waiting for Sirius to come down for breakfast. Had he accomplished his mission? Would he simply attack the Slytherins? Or would he act as if nothing at all were out of the ordinary? Nobody knew.
The doors of the Great Hall swung open.
Sirius walked in.
A collective gasp swept through the room.
His robes were in perfect order. His hair unkempt as usual. His book bag draped carelessly over one arm. There was only one problem.
He was green.
His hair, his skin, even the whites of his eyes were a deep rich green.
First students gasped, then they whispered, then they laughed. Sirius smiled, a dazzling green smile. The laughter grew. He laughed with them.
He slid onto the bench beside James, who was staring at him awe-struck. "How? When? Why?"
Sirius just smiled. "Where's my firewhisky?"
James frowned. "You mean, you're going to sit there with a straight face and tell me that you've eliminated all snakes from England?"
Sirius shook his head. "No. Afraid not. The spell was only strong enough to rid Hogwarts of snakes. I'm guessing it has something to do with the wards, it probably kept the spell from extending beyond Hogwarts boundaries. What do you think, Remus?"
Remus put down his fork. "That makes sense. People can't Apparate or Disapparate outside of Hogwarts. And I've never known of any other spells to be cast inside the school grounds to affect anything over a long distance. You'll have to try it again the next Hogsmeade weekend."
"Great idea!" he grabbed a piece of toast of Peter's plate and ate it.
After the commotion had died down and everyone turned back to their own breakfasts, Professor Shinwinks approached the Gryffindor table. "Mr. Black, I'd like to have a few words with you."
….
No one saw Sirius for the rest of the day. He didn't show up for Transfiguration. He didn't show up for Herbology either, but that didn't really matter because they didn't do anything anyway since all the runespoors were gone. At dinner, an owl swooped down and dropped a note in Remus's lap. In Sirius's illegible scrawl it said:
Meet me in the shack.
Remus wolfed down the rest of his food and snuck across the grounds to the Whomping Willow, and then raced through the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack.
Remus wasn't too surprised to find Sirius stretched lazily out in the bed. His green hands were laced behind his head, and he seemed quite pleased with himself.
"Are you green, everywhere?" Remus asked, the corners of his mouth curving up in a smile.
"I guess you'll just have to find out."
Remus started with the feet, and pulled off Sirius's shoes and socks to find out that yes, they were indeed green. Even his toenails and the bottoms of his feet were green, and also very ticklish.
"Quit playing with my feet and get up here."
Remus laughed, and stretched himself out beside Sirius. He pulled back Sirius's robes. Kissed the green hollow just below his neck. Tugged off the shirt, before capturing Sirius's lips with his own. The beginnings of green stubble scratched his cheeks, like the prickle of grass beneath his feet on a freshly enchanted Quidditch field.
Ssssssss.
"What's that noise?" Remus asked.
"Me, sighing with contentment," Sirius said, kissing him.
Remus half-expected him to taste different, like grass or trees or one of the many plants that filled the Herbology classroom, but he still just tasted like Sirius.
Remus's hands wandered over the expanse of Sirius's chest, down to his trousers. As Remus fumbled with the buttons, he stopped and stared at his hands. The inside of both of his palms were green. "Sirius! You're….you're…all over me!"
"I hope so." Sirius growled and tried to pull Remus back down to him, but Remus pushed him away.
"Am I green all over?"
"Just where I've touched you," Sirius admitted, with a grin.
Remus wiped at his mouth, frantically. "What the hell did you do?"
Sirius smiled. "It's sexy. It's like…I've left my mark all over you."
Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm the one who marks territory, not you."
Sssssssssss!
Remus stared at Sirius, who was obviously not the one making the noise.. "Sighing with contentment?"
Sirius smiled sheepishly.
Remus followed the sound to the closet of the Shrieking Shack, and opened the door. Stacked from floor to ceiling were cages of snakes. From the looks of it, Sirius had taken every snake out of Hogwarts and hidden them in the closet.
"I can safely say, that there's not one snake left at Hogwarts. But, I have to put them all back tomorrow," Sirius said.
"So that's what Professor Shinwinks wanted to see you about," Remus said.
"He said it was the best prank he'd seen in years," Sirius said. "And he was quite impressed with my use of the runespoor venom as a dye. I spent all day writing parchment on how I did it."
"And let me guess, you want me to help you put all these snakes back?"
Sirius smiled. "And after, you can take me up to the prefects bathroom and mark your territory."
Remus sighed. "Next time you want to celebrate Murtagh's Day, just let me take you out for Firewhisky, all right?"