Shadowhunters – Years In The Life
It's long overdue
The moment Alec softly asked her during breakfast to speak to her later that day, Lydia knew something was wrong, and despite the denial state she'd lived in for so many years, she knew exactly what her husband wanted to talk about. Nevertheless, she smiled pleasantly, as she usually did, and told their older son Liam to mind his training that day, and their younger son Andrew not to forget his manners during class, as he often did.
Even as her boys, husband included, walked away from the table, Lydia maintained her smile in place.
Her day went on as it always did, looking into suspicious demon activity, silly political matters, and all the other details on how the Institute was moving along. She saw Alec during the day, of course she did, but only in passing, his large frame setting him apart from other, if his aura of power and authority didn't do the work for him as was, but he hardly took the time to do more than nod at her.
Just before dinner, Alec joined her in her office, and they sat side by side on her lush couch, Lydia finally allowed herself to truly consider the content of the conversation they were about to have.
"Don't say it" – she said first, and the way he looked at her broke her heart for a million reasons, but he shook his head.
"I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore"
"Why now?"
"Andrew is getting his first rune, he's getting good at the bow and arrow... And Liam is going to start going on missions in no time"
"He's too young for that" – she said dismissively.
"I was twelve when I first went out"
"You shouldn't have, that's too young"
"Regardless, soon enough he will be out on his own, and I... Lydia–"
"Before we got married... I knew you were never going to be mine, not entirely, and you knew where I stood as well"
"I did"
"We went along with it, despite what Isabelle, Jace and Clary thought about it"
"It was the right thing to do at the time"
"Was it?" – he couldn't look at her anymore, so he settled for the coffee table.
"Probably not" – he finally confessed after a beat – "But it's what we did"
"It's what we did" – Lydia repeated, even as it became difficult to have him so close to her.
"And I know that maybe... I definitely shouldn't have even gone through with it, I could have backed off, but I... Lydia..."
"You were a coward" – she said bluntly, and he winced – "You wanted your parents' love and approval, so you married me, even though you didn't love me"
"But I do love you now, Lydia"
"Not like him" – he rubbed his eyes, still unable to meet her eyes.
"No" – was all he could manage.
"I knew, before, how you felt about him, or how– They all could see it so clearly, Izzy, Jace, Clary, they could tell you were in love with him, even though you couldn't admit it even to yourself at the time" – she paused – "If you're going to do this, then admit it"
"Admit what?"
"That you love him, that you are in love with him"
"Lydia, that's–"
"If you don't, I will not accept this, Alec. Don't be a coward again"
He took a deep breath and looked at her again. Even as he neared his mid thirties, he was just as handsome, if not much more handsome than the first time she saw him, tall, valiant and quick on his feet, his deadly arrow nearly piercing her with a swiftness she'd admired so much then, and she still did. But for all his attractiveness, his eyes were filled with guilt, shame, sorrow, and she found it almost impossible to keep looking into them, but she had to.
"I love Magnus, Lydia. I want to be with him fully, I don't want to sneak around like a teenager, I want a life with him" – he said, both slowly and deliberately, and so fast she almost didn't hear his words.
She knew it would hurt, she had fully expected it for years now, but she had clearly only been fooling herself – it hurt so much more than anything else she had had to endure over the years, and the fact that he was being honest for once in their marriage made it all the more soul crushing.
"You've been thinking about this for a while" – she redirected the conversation – "Since when?"
"Why do you need to know that?"
"I believe I have a right to know, don't I?" – even if it hurt, she wanted it all.
"I've considered it since the first time we– Got together" – he replied without a hint of the adorable awkwardness he'd had when he was younger, that Liam had in spades and likely would have for years to come.
"That was right after Liam was born, wasn't it?"
"How–"
"I had given birth, I wasn't made stupid, Alec" – this time, he frowned and looked so very like their son when he was scolded she almost laughed, but this certainly was no laughing matter.
"That was unfair to you, this entire situation is unfair to you"
"Don't think I was unhappy that you were trying to find any scrap of happiness with Magnus, Alec. I knew, and I have known"
"Yeah"
"When we married, I accepted that you were his, that whatever you felt for him was real, it wasn't some silly crush, though I admit I hoped it was. When you two... I was happy for you"
"No you weren't"
"Well, once I got over the fact that my husband was screwing someone else right after I had given him a son, sure, then I could be happy for you" – he winced.
"Lydia, I can't say how sorry I am that I've done this, that I have been doing this for so long"
"Why did you even want to have Andrew? Wasn't Liam enough?"
"I love you, Lydia, and you wanted another child"
"You could have walked away after Liam came along, you could've–"
"I was scared" – he said softly – "I was terrified about being a father, and being divorced from my best friend, and being a disappointment to my parents. I couldn't face them, not then"
"And what changed? Maryse is not going to approve of this now"
"I don't know what changed, all I know is that I need this now, I want this now"
"I... Alec, I–"
"Just please, please let me see the boys" – he asked, almost desperately – "I know I don't deserve it, I know, but please, I love them so much, I can't–"
"Alec" – she frowned at him – "I would never keep you from your children, and if you thought I was that kind of a person, then you've never known me at all"
"I know you're not, I just... I'm so scared of losing them"
"You won't"
"Liam is going to hate me for hurting you like this"
"Alec. I don't say this to be cruel, but don't be stupid. You've already hurt me with– All of this, and you have for a long time, so I won't let Liam hold it against you, nor will I let your parents try to mold them as they please, I haven't so far"
"You're a wonderful mom, Lydia"
"Yes, I am, and you're a great dad, Alec. You'll be a great dad even after we're– Even after that, you'll continue being their dad"
"Thank you"
"No need"
"Still. And I'm truly sorry for hurting you, for... For cheating on you" – he paused – "For being a coward. You could've married you actually loved"
"I do love you, Alec, and you're my best friend too. You've given me two perfect children, and yeah, it was shitty, it's all shitty, but for what it's worth, I forgive you" – he smiled tentatively.
"I never deserved you"
"I never deserved you either"
"Thank you" – he softly kissed her cheek.
"We'll tell the boys at dinner?"
"Can it be tomorrow? Do you mind?"
"Not at all. But be prepared, you know Liam will be angry"
"Yeah, I know"
"Are you planning on moving to New York?"
"Let's talk about the details tomorrow"
"Yes, of course"
"You are the best person I know, Lydia"
"You're sweet" – they kissed tenderly and he quickly made his way out.
Lydia wished she could've lived with the lie a little longer, but she had never been one for sweet nothings, and she would hardly start now.
In which clearly Alec and Lydia got married during MALEC, and many years down the line, it comes to a head.