A/N: Ruckus? Can you describe the ruckus, sir? Oh, good old references to The Breakfast Club! If you know what I'm talking about, which you probably do, how about we put it behind us? I'm all for that. Are you? Good!
Back to the real point of this A/N. You're probably thinking (okay, probably not), "Emma, you need to stop employing your HP life into your AI stories. It's weird." And I'm going to say, "But how badly do you want to see what Johnny's boggart is?" I want to see what it is. And I'm going to write about it!
Disclaimer: I don't own American Idiot, Harry Potter, anything I might have taken from another author, and while we're at it, Doritos. Though I do think I have mini bags in my basement…
*WILL drags in huge armoire*
WILL: Hi, guys!
EXTRAORDINARY GIRL: Where on Earth did you get that?
WILL: Funny story. I was walking home from 7-Eleven when I saw it, just sitting there, behind the place. It was quaking with fear, so I picked it up and decided to give it a home.
JIMMY: So you're telling us you pushed that massive thing all the way home?
WILL: That's exactly what I said.
JIMMY: Do you have any desire to find out what's in it?
WILL: Well…
JOHNNY: Do you? Because if you brought it home for nothing…
HEATHER: I will have to kill you.
WILL: See, at first, I wanted to open it, because I thought there might be some rare species of animal inside, and if I discovered it, I could get rich.
TUNNY: But if it was a rare species of animal, someone would have already discovered it, and you would get nothing.
WILL: I tried not to remind myself of that, thanks, Tun.
TUNNY: *points at EG* It's her that's getting to me!
EG: You know what they say. The women are always blamed, but it's always the man's fault.
WHATSERNAME: That sounds about right. Like right now. If Will doesn't open that armoire, Heather will kill him. She'll get the blame, but it'll be his fault, because his stupidity will be what drove her to killing him.
JIMMY: I'm pretty sure "He had it coming" doesn't hold in court.
HEATHER: That's it!
*rushes over to armoire and thrusts it open*
JOHNNY: Is it a leg lamp like in A Christmas Story?
JIMMY: I bought you one of those for Christmas. Do you really need another one?
WHATSERNAME: He does. I smashed it on New Year's Eve.
TUNNY: Why the fuck did you do that?
JIMMY: It was electric sex, glowing in the window!
WHATSERNAME: It was the ugliest thing I'd ever seen in my entire life!
JIMMY: You're the ugliest thing I'd ever seen in my entire life!
TUNNY: Oh, hey, Jimmy, a seventh grade girl just called. She wants her comeback returned to her immediately.
JIMMY: Oops, she just called again. She wants that one back, too.
*HEATHER screams.*
HEATHER: At first it was nothing, and now it's this!
*a giant ladybug with tusks looms ominously over the Idiots*
WILL: I don't know what to be more disturbed about. The fact that I brought home an elephant-ladybug hybrid or the fact that Heather seems to be deathly afraid of it.
HEATHER: It's a long story, asshole, but you'd be too busy thinking about what the hell Redvines can't do to listen to it!
WILL: *in his best Voldemort impression* NEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!
EG: Wait a minute. This thing came in an armoire, right?
JIMMY: Jinkies, Velma's about to crack the case yet again. Like this wasn't to be predicted or anything.
TUNNY: THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU DOUCHE!
JIMMY: And you expected me to all of a sudden be nice to anything that feels dear to you? You of all people?
TUNNY: Shut the fuck up! In this situation, EG is clearly Velma, and you are obviously Shaggy, because your hair is exceptionally mangy today, and you can never solve the mysteries that the author of this script makes us go through everyday.
EG: Thank you, Tunny, for that completely out of place yet completely relevant Scooby Doo analogy. Anyway, as I was saying, this thing came in an armoire. And at first it was nothing, just something shaking inside, but when Heather opened it, it turned into something that she was seriously terrified of.
*HEATHER is in the corner, sucking her thumb and trying not to look at the elephant-ladybug.*
WILL: Get to the point! It sounds fun!
EG: For you it is pretty fun. Actually, it's pretty fun for me, too, but the author of this script wants me to keep my composure and not act like a fan girl.
AUTHOR OF THIS SCRIPT: That is my job! I love you, Tunny!
*runs away like she never said anything stalker-ish*
JOHNNY: Does it have something to do with the greatest thing in the world?
JIMMY: Sex?
WHATSERNAME: You are so shallow.
JIMMY: I'm not shallow. I have a book of poetry.
TUNNY: Oh, yeah, I saw that. It was called If You Don't Read My Poems, I'll Shank You.
JOHNNY: Jimmy! They let you publish something under that title?
JIMMY: It was self-published. Tunny got an autographed copy.
WILL: And did you read Jimmy's poems?
TUNNY: I haven't been shanked.
HEATHER: Will you just let EG explain what the hell this thing is so we can make it go away and I can get out of the corner?
EG: I'm going to say this now, and you're not going to interrupt me. Will unknowingly brought home a boggart.
TUNNY: A boggart?
WILL: You mean I brought home an artifact of the Harry Potter universe?
WHATSERNAME: Are you going to faint again?
WILL: No. I'm too excited to see what my boggart turns into.
JOHNNY: Well, you're just going to have to wait. I'm going first.
WILL: I brought it home!
JOHNNY: Do people call you Jesus?
WILL: No, but what's your point?
JOHNNY: "Follow Me."
TUNNY: Blasphemous as he is, he has a point.
EG: He might have a point, but he's not going first.
JOHNNY: Why the fuck not?
EG: Look at Heather!
*They do. HEATHER is still in the corner, rocking back and forth, singing "Baba Black Sheep" quietly to herself.*
JIMMY: Why is she singing a nursery rhyme?
WILL: We have no idea why, but it calms her.
HEATHER: *sings louder than seconds prior* Yes sir! Yes sir! Three bags full!
JIMMY: Okay, that's annoying. What's the incantation to turn the boggart into something amusing?
TUNNY: Jimmy, don't pretend like you don't know. It rhymes with Shmadikkulus, right?
JIMMY: I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about…
JOHNNY: But you do! Remember, Draco Malfoy used it as an insult against Lupin's class! You got mad because you thought it was too cliché of a joke!
JIMMY: It's Ridikkulus.
EG: Good boy, Jimmy.
JIMMY: I'm not a dog.
EG: I know. I just like to see you get mad.
WILL: Does it even matter that we know the spell? The prop wands you guys got at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter without me don't work, do they?
TUNNY: We'll just have to try it out, then.
*whips out RON WEASLEY wand*
EG: Try something basic.
*TUNNY points wand at JIMMY.*
EG: *sighs* Not Avada Kedavra.
TUNNY: I was just testing you, jeez. Okay, then. Accio ski cap!
*skip cap appears*
WILL: Oh my Rowling. Does that mean my crappy dollar store wand works, too?
WHATSERNAME: Give it a wave. Just try not to hit anybody.
*WILL takes it out of his back pocket. He never takes it out, so it's easy to locate.*
WILL: *points wand at TUNNY* Jelly legs jinx!
*Somehow, it works, even though that probably doesn't make any logical sense.*
TUNNY: Oh, come on! You can't even hex a guy with only one leg like that! This feels so wrong!
EG: Thankfully, I remembered the countercurse.
JIMMY: *in mocking tone* Thankfully, I remembered the countercurse.
*EG takes out HERMIONE GRANGER wand.*
EG: Unjellify!
*TUNNY straightens up.*
TUNNY: You'll pay for mocking EG, Jimmy! Eat…
WHATSERNAME: Hold up, Tunny. Don't make Jimmy eat slugs. You'd be in the wrong Harry Potter book, and it would just take up too much time in this already rambling script.
EG: Heather, I have your wand. You're just going to approach the elephant-ladybug and point at it while saying Ridikkulus. Think of something funny for it to turn into, okay?
HEATHER: Okay.
JOHNNY: Hey, uh, just out of curiosity, why are you most afraid of an elephant-ladybug?
HEATHER: If you must know, I was five, and I had a nightmare that I was being chased by elephant ladybugs. They were heavy, and they could fly. I thought they were probably the deadliest animal imaginable. Ridikkulus!
*The boggart takes the shape of WILL.*
HEATHER: That's awesome!
WILL: Why is the funniest thing you can think of me?
JOHNNY: Well, look at yourself. You are pretty absurd.
WILL: My mom thinks I'm awesome! Well, she did, and then I knocked up my girlfriend. Then she didn't think I was so awesome. Whatever, bitches, I'mma go next.
*The boggart takes the shape of DR. FRANK N. FURTER from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.*
BOGGART: How do you do? I see you've met my faithful handyman!
WILL: *shrieks* PLEASE DON'T TAKE ME UP TO THE LAB! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE ME UP TO THE LAB!
BOGGART: So, come up to the lab and see what's on the slab.
WILL: I ASKED YOU NOT TO!
JOHNNY: You're most afraid of a transvestite?
JIMMY: That's a more shallow worst fear than mine!
WILL: It's not the fact that Dr. Frank N. Furter is a transvestite. It's the fact that he killed a man and ate him for dinner! I don't want to be that man! And by the look he's giving me right now, he's itching to stab me with an ice pick, just like he did to Eddie!
TUNNY: Wait. Are you also a secret Rocky Horror junkie?
WILL: Heavens no! I spend most of my time begging theaters not to corrupt their viewers with that cannibalism. But his heavy eye shadow is scaring the shit out of me. Ridikkulus!
*The boggart takes the shape of the hotel guy from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.*
TUNNY: Haha, I get it! Because Dr. Frank N. Furter and that guy are played by the same actor!
JIMMY: What a fucking genius.
TUNNY: I'll go!
*The boggart turns into EXTRAORDINARY GIRL.*
WHATSERNAME: That's insulting.
JOHNNY: Yeah, Tun, all this talk about you wanting to defend EG and hating Jimmy because he thinks she's a bitch who complicates things… it's hypocritical because she is what you fear most.
EG: Are you kidding me? This is the highest compliment I've ever been paid! I scare Tunny; therefore he'll listen to me.
TUNNY: That's one way of looking at it. Ugh, the fact that there are two of you in the same room is making me feel two different ways at once, but the bad way is outweighing the good way. Ridikkulus!
*The boggart turns into a bald version of EXTRAORDINARY GIRL.*
JIMMY: AUGH! That's even worse than the real thing!
WHATSERNAME: Why are you entertained by the thought of a bald EG? Doesn't that bring up painful pictures?
TUNNY: A bald EG is much tamer than EG with hair. She could strangle an entire country in those locks.
EG: *fluffs hair* I like to use my powers for good, not evil.
JIMMY: You suck!
JOHNNY: My turn!
*The boggart turns into One Direction.*
TUNNY: That crappy band from the UK?
WHATSERNAME: Yeah, Johnny, I just assumed you'd love those guys because they're young, from the UK, and all that stuff you usually like. *checks One Direction CD off of her "WHAT TO GET JOHNNY FOR HIS BIRTHDAY" list*
JOHNNY: Are you kidding me? These guys are a threat to society!
WILL: In what way?
HEATHER: They're just like any other annoying pop stars, except they're not American.
TUNNY: That's another reason why I think Johnny would support them.
WHATSERNAME: So, what's your story, morning glory?
JOHNNY: Look at their faces. They look like elves. And the media wants young girls to find them attractive.
EG: Oh, Johnny, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
JOHNNY: Yeah, so you think! But it's not that subjective. Elves are not attractive, even if they are played by Orlando Bloom. If girls find them attractive, then our sons, who will be classically handsome and almost as awesome as we are, will never have a chance with anyone. When I fear One Direction, I fear for the fate of our world!
JIMMY: Believe it or not, he's been developing this philosophy for a very long time.
JOHNNY: *in anger* RIDIKKULUS!
*The boggart turns into five hamsters.*
TUNNY: Hamsters?
JOHNNY: It's like G-Force, only smaller!
JIMMY: You know every word to that movie, don't you?
JOHNNY: Don't 'cha wish your blowtorch was hot like mine?
WILL: Yeah, he definitely knows every word.
WHATSERNAME: That's nothing. He can also do all the voices. It's my turn.
*The boggart turns into an Oompa-Loompa.*
TUNNY: Is it me, or has this been the most rational fear thus far?
EG: I thought I was a pretty rational fear.
JOHNNY: One Direction was by far the scariest thing I've seen all day. Did you see the way their teeth looked more like fangs than actual teeth? I disapprove.
BOGGART: Oompa-Loompa, something else di-da-di! Everyone screws up except Wonka and me! That's how they should have written the songs! I'm short, fat, and I'm very orange!
WHATSERNAME: Sorry, EG and Johnny, but Tunny's right. There's nothing scarier than an orange, candy-loving midget that tells you that you suck all the time. Ridikkulus!
*The boggart turns into JOHNNY DEPP.*
EG: I thought the point of a boggart was that it was supposed to turn into something funny, not something pleasant to look at.
BOGGART: Good morning, starshine! The earth says hello!
JOHNNY: I LOVE THAT SONG! Can we keep him?
EG: Unfortunately, no.
TUNNY: EG, isn't time for your turn with the boggart?
EG: I guess it is. *goes to approach the boggart*
JIMMY: *pushes her out of the way* NO FUCKING WAY WILL YOU HAVE A TURN AT THIS!
WHATSERNAME: She's the one who discovered it! She deserves a turn.
WILL: *tentatively* I hate to remind you, but I discovered the boggart on the way home.
WHATSERNAME: You thought it was a rare species of animal. You don't count.
JIMMY: Not only did she "discover" it, but she's also not afraid of anything. It would take the shape of a blank canvas.
EG: Yeah… he's probably right.
TUNNY: So, Jimmy, you're saying there's something you fear more than anything else?
JIMMY: I never said that.
JOHNNY: Yeah, but you're kind of hinting that you want a turn with the boggart.
JIMMY: No, I wasn't.
WILL: Well, even if you don't want a turn, I propose you have one, anyway.
JIMMY: GO DRINK YOURSELF INTO A STUPOR AND CRY OVER THE FACT THAT LUPIN FORGOT TO TAKE HIS WOLFSBANE POTION!
WILL: NOT UNTIL I SEE YOUR BIGGEST FEAR!
*HEATHER pushes JIMMY into the boggart.*
JOHNNY: You just did him a favor.
HEATHER: I did myself a favor. Listening to him whine is worse than just about any other sound.
*JIMMY screams.*
HEATHER: Except for that.
*The boggart has taken the shape of a cherry Pop Tart… with a face… and bloody fangs.*
JIMMY: NOOOOO!
BOGGART: What? You don't want me to turn you so you can have eternal life with me?
TUNNY: Your biggest fear is a vampire Pop Tart. Something that could never under any circumstance exist is your biggest fear. Why am I not shocked by this?
WHATSERNAME: Johnny, you have to have an answer for this one.
JOHNNY: I do. It all started when I was making an attempt to braid my hair while thinking about why I don't like Pretty Little Liars-
WILL: You don't honestly think about this stuff, do you?
JOHNNY: - I do. Anyway, I was minding my own business when Jimmy asked if I wanted to watch Prisoner of Azkaban. I said yes, because who DOESN'T want to watch Prisoner of Azkaban? And then, this scene came on. I told Jimmy that if I ever came across a boggart, it would take the shape of One Direction. Then, like any good friend, I asked what Jimmy's boggart would be. He said he didn't believe in boggarts, but if he came across one in another dimension, he would make sure it took the shape of something impossible so he would probably never have to deal with it at all. And this is what he picked.
TUNNY: But he ended up being afraid of it, anyway?
EG: Do you blame him? It's pink and has red, sugar flecks as its body glitter. It's almost as scary as Edward Cullen.
JIMMY: For the last time, I don't want to have half-human, half-vampire Pop Tart children with you! It didn't work out for Bella and Edward, so what makes you think it would work out for us?
JOHNNY: NO! HE'S TRYING TO STEAL JIMMY FROM ME!
WHATSERNAME: Will you relax? It's not even real.
JOHNNY: It's so real! It's so real, and it's so a threat to my future, just like One Direction! Jimmy! Make the evil vampire Pop Tart die!
HEATHER: You know what I think is weird?
EG: What?
HEATHER: That all this time, Jimmy knew the spell to turn to boggart into something else, but he never used it because we just had to go through Johnny's backstory.
EG: That's just the way the author of this script rolls, I guess.
JIMMY: *flourishes VOLDEMORT'S wand* RIDDIKULUS!
*The boggart turns into JOHNNY dressed as MARILYN MONROE.*
BOGGART: Tiffany's! Cartier's! Talk to me, Harry Winston, tell me all about it!
JOHNNY: Okay, that's enough! *seizes the boggart and throws it back into the armoire*
HEATHER: Well, I think we all learned a very valuable lesson today.
WHATSERNAME: And what's that, Heather?
HEATHER: Will is an idiot- with a lowercase I.
JIMMY: I've been trying to tell Johnny that for ages, and yet he still insists on being his friend.
TUNNY: Why isn't Will making any whiny comebacks?
EG: Yeah, isn't this usually about the time where he starts talking about how awesome he is, but fails hard?
JOHNNY: Will?
*They walk into the other room and find WILL on the ground, clutching a laptop to his chest and crying.*
TUNNY: What the hell is wrong with you?
WILL: POTTERMORE IS STILL IN BETA!
Fin
A/N: Gosh, that took four days to write. I've got skills. And by "I've got skills" I mean I have no skills whatsoever. I think I'm going to do one of these scripts for every Harry Potter book… saving SS for last, just because I did Chamber of Secrets first.
So, I tweeted Scott J. Campbell about seven hours ago… and I'm in absolute agony. Watch me be, like, the only person he doesn't respond to. WATCH IT HAPPEN.