Diary of a teenager crazy about love

When I met Claire Redfield on Rockfort Island, I immediately knew she was the girl of my dreams. A girl with long brown reddish hair, big blue eyes, an incredible athlete body and a smile that could drive anybody crazy. In short, the perfect girl. Maybe…too perfect.

And me, like a complete idiot, I had decided to play the game, to impress her. I had quickly noticed that it hadn't given the wanted results. On the contrary, she had taken it upon herself to crush the little confidence I had left. But, that was only at the beginning of our misadventure on that exotic island filled with zombies, enraged dogs and a faggot, believing he was his sister, named Alfred. Just thinking about it, it still gives me goose bumps. Not the zombies. Alfred.

But, after that, after having "eliminated", would I say, hundreds of zombies and helped out Claire many times, she had started to fancy me. And I'm not bullshitting you. I had caught her checking out my ass many times. I am not the kind to brag, but all my close friends (girls mostly!) told me that I looked a lot like Jack in Titanic. And that Jack, just by looking at him, all the girls were wetting them-…hum. I think you get my point. So, I clearly understood why Claire had been attracted to me. I think she trusted me. Like me, I had eventually started to trust her.

Mostly after I had killed my father like a dog, under a shower of bullets. When I think about it, I wonder how I managed to not touch Claire…it will stay a miracle. Also a miracle that she hadn't kicked me in the nuts after taking such an enormous risk. But, she couldn't complain! I had saved her life at that moment!

Anyway, just to say that during our fantastic adventure on Rockfort Island and in ANTARCTICA (yes, you read correctly, and no, I didn't see Santa Claus over there), Claire and I, we had created a bond between each other that was stronger than…diamonds! We were a duo, a team, and I have been really hoping: a future couple. Everything had been going well. We had to once again fight zombies, giant butterflies and other nasty thingies! But, I had finally disposed of Alfred, the Drag Queen, when he fell down an endless pit. Claire and I had been close to getting away again when Alfred's terrible sister (prettier than him at least) had brought us back to the base.

It was at that moment that we had lost hope…until the

BROTHER-IN-LAW

came! And by brother-in-law, I mean Chris, Claire's older brother. I was already considering him like so because it was clear that Claire and I were going to end up together, like at the end of an American movie.

The only problem was that the BROTHER-IN-LAW was as big and strong as a polar bear! And Claire had the misfortune (or for the best, maybe) to tell me that her dear brother was the… "very" protective kind. Like… "Touch my sister and I'll pull out your teeth one by one!" Not the kind that I usually like…

But when Chris (that's his name) found us in the Antarctica manor, he had been so happy to see Claire alive that he had barely noticed me! It took a while before Claire finally made presentations and it was at that moment that I had signed my testimony…

Chris had looked at me straight in the eyes from his 6 feet height and told me: "Thanks for having helped my sister" while showing me his hand. When I shook it, I probably felt all my bones cracking one after the other. Not a good sign…could he read in my mind? I don't think so or else I would already be dead…let's say that Claire let you easily fall into reveries that are pretty…perverted.

After what felt like an eternity, Chris had removed his hand and had commanded us to follow him so we could finally escape from the base. Claire had looked at me furtively and had surely noticed my discomfort toward her brother. She had smiled at me and had whispered that I shouldn't worry…easy to say, easy to say…

I think that neither she nor I had the slightest idea of what would happen once we would be back in everyday life.

It's been now 3 days that Claire, Chris and I "live" in a cheap motel room located somewhere in Vermont. After what happened in the Antarctic, Chris told us that we had to keep a low profile; that we had to hide before things would get back to normal. He's right. The three of us are wanted by Umbrella. It's kinda exciting to think that I am a criminal though!

But, life in a motel room isn't very exciting…especially when we only have one double bed…and of course, Claire and Chris sleep together in the bed, while I try as much as I can to sleep in a chair while using the night table to stretch my legs….And me who had dreamt about a cozy and soft bed for months! A chair. Really?

The first night, Claire had placed herself on the left side of the bed so she could look at me. We had spent many hours eating each other with our eyes since it was the only thing we could actually do. But it had been quite effective; I had an erection the size of the Eiffel tower! Good thing I had a blanket to hide it, but I think Claire knew about it since she had started to touch herself…

I couldn't believe it! Until the moment when I realized that I had dreamt that part…but not the erection. When I woke up, it was really there. And Claire in the bed was peacefully sleeping.

I think Chris found it a bit weird when I took a shower at 6 am in the morning. I simply told him I had horrible nightmares about Rockfort Island. He took the bait but the second night, it was Chris, who slept on Claire's side…

I can't be lucky more than once?

We finally left this goddamn awful motel! A guy named Barry came to pick us up and drove us to the new STARS "hideout" hidden somewhere in the woods of Vermont…we don't have cable…

And, Claire and I, we still haven't kissed…damn…

It's been now two days since we're staying in the SUPER HIDEOUT (c'mon, I'm sure that Umbrella would be able to find us if they wanted to…)

Beside me are Claire and Chris, there's who Claire calls the "STARS survivors": Jill the big tits, Rebecca the young medic (cute, but I don't like girls with short hair…), Barry the old guy with a beard and Carlos the Mexican or whatever. A cute little gang, but I don't feel like I'm part of it…even if I am also a "survivor".

Chris came to see me today.

I first thought that he was going to beat me up, to rip off my head for having looked enthusiastically at his dear sister many times. But no. He had approached me by asking how I was doing, and what were my future plans…which meant that he was already thinking about sending me off somewhere, about separating me from their little gang of "survivors".

"Do you have other family members in Canada?" he had asked me.

Usually, a youngster like me would have said "Of course, I have a sexy cousin who's around 14 year old, but who has more boobs than Claire and puts more make-up on than Alfred, and lives with my aunt", but the reality is totally different.. Like me, both my parents were only child, so, I don't have any aunt or uncle, and so, no sexy cousin. All my grand-parents are dead, except one grand-mother who went totally crazy after I had set her old cat on fire by mistake when I was 9…I don't even know where she lives or if she's still alive.

So, nope, no more family for me. I am the last Burnside, a very mediocre family that will never leave its mark in history, except maybe for the son who had survived like a hero in a zombie attack.

Chris had looked at me for a long time without saying anything. I had also pretended to have tears in my eyes to look more convincing. I think it had worked since he had loudly sighed and had given me a pity look.

In the end, the acting lessons have been useful…

"What do you want to do then, Steve?" he had continued.

"Stay with you guys for the moment, I don't have much options," I had replied when I noticed Claire walking in the kitchen behind us. Chris had automatically followed my gaze and had also seen his sister, who was wearing at that moment very short shorts with a tank top quite low cut. Mmmm…

As I have been virtually drooling in front of my first brother-in-law, this one had quickly turned around to face him, a mean look on his face.

"It's Claire, huh?" he had said.

"Uhh…"

"You want to stay with us because of Claire, isn't it?" he had clearly added.

"Well…there's a bit of that, but…"

"Say it!" he had yelled, making me jump.

"Yes!" I had yelled back without really thinking.

This is it, I am dead…I told myself. But Chris didn't jump on me surprisingly. He had stayed still and had looked at me directly in the eyes.

"Look buddy…I have nothing against you and Claire having something…but if you want to be her boyfriend, you'll have to prove yourself." he had told me without blinking.

"Prove myself?"

"That's right. My little sister only deserves the cream of the crop, the best boyfriend! If I see that you make her cry, that you break her heart, that she starts to eat ice cream with dill pickles, I will break your legs and I'll make you eat your feet!"

I think it was a miracle that I hadn't pissed in my pants at that moment…Shit, he can be so scary that Chris…

"What do I have to do to prove myself exactly?" I had asked, trying not to shake.

"You have to pass three tests of confidence…if you pass them all, I'll leave you two alone."

"…what kind of tests?"

"Well…"

And this is it. I have to pass those three tests in one week. I have to make it! My life depends on it!

Today, I passed the first test! It wasn't very complicated actually. Chris had called it the "endurance test". I had to run three laps around the villa in less than a minute. Ah!

I don't think that Mister Redfield knew that when I was going to high school, I was part of the track team and that I was the best! So, running three laps in less than a minute was child's play to me.

What's funnier is that Claire was wondering what the hell I was doing running around the villa so early in the morning. I thought that Chris would tell her, but he had hidden himself in a bush to time me. Once done, she came to see me and I had simply told her that it was my morning work-out routine.

She had given me a weird look, but she hadn't said anything.

Pheeewww!

And after that she had returned to the chalet, Chris had come out of his hiding spot and had congratulated me.

Ah! In your face, brother-in-law!

He told me that it was the easiest test and that the next one would be a lot more difficult. He didn't say anything however. I'll have to wait for tomorrow to know about it.

Whatever it is, I'll pass it for sure!

He was right…the second test is much more difficult…he had called it the "test of love". To be worthy of going out with Claire, I have to find her favourite movie!

It sounds easy, but I can't ask her any question. Or else I fail the test and my only chance to become her lover.

Damn…how can I guess Claire's favourite movie when I can't even ask her questions?

Think Steve, think…

The first idea I got was to dig into the VHS collection that was lying beside the living room TV. Unfortunately, since we're "hidden" from the rest of the world, our movie collection is quite small. Almost non-existent.

And it includes atrocities like "Titanic", "A walk to remember" and "Romeo + Juliet". I later learnt that those were movies that Rebecca had brought to kill time. I doubt that Claire likes those kind of movies…well, I hope so! She doesn't seem to be the type to like corny romance movies.

Tomorrow, I'll try another tactic. I'll search Claire's room. Maybe I'll find some hints!

Bad idea…very bad idea! My cheek still hurts T_T

Explication: like I said yesterday, I decided to rummage through Claire's drawers. I waited for her to take her shower to do it since I know that it takes her minimum 30 minutes to wash and to do the stuff that girls do in a bathroom. (Man, what do they do exactly?).

So, I entered her room and I started with her dresser drawers. Let's say I was quite surprised to find cotton panties. COTTON PANTIES! What 19-year-old girl wears cotton panties? I would have thought that Claire would wear much sexier underwear… (she's still very sexy even if she wears that though!). It had been a bigger shock than to find guns (normal considering our situation), a whip, handcuffs, normal clothes, some…wait. Did I just write "whip" and "handcuffs"? Whaaaattttttt !

Oh la la…I would have never thought that Claire was into S&M…excuse me…I have to…where are the tissues?

…

Hum.

I love this girl.

Anyhow, let's go back to the current situation. Beside cotton panties and the…hum… miss's "sex toys", I also found books! Harlequin books! Yes sir! I thought that only my grand-mother was reading that…

I decided to grab one from the dozen that was scattered in the third drawer under Claire's pants.

It had been a fatal error.

As I ended up reading an excerpt quite "erotic" (a lot, I mean! And I thought that porn magazines were graphic…), I heard someone coming inside the room. For a moment, I prayed very hard that it wasn't a certain lady wearing a ponytail, but, once again, I ran out of luck.

Indeed, it was Miss Redfield freshly out of the shower, but wearing clothes (I was a bit disappointed…).

She had stayed frozen in the door frame for a few seconds, looking at me crouched on the floor with one of her books in my hands. "The Knight in Shining Armour" by Opal Carew to be exact. Page 113 as the knight named "Roderick" was leading his lady to a barn…

More seconds had passed as we were looking at each other in the eyes, my hand holding the book starting to shake. And then, the fatal moment came when Claire's face turned completely red and her mouth opened:

"Steeeeve!"

A second later, she had torn off the book from my hands and slapped me, hard (my god she's strong!), on the cheek and looked at me, panting, pointing the door. I immediately got the message and made my way out of her bedroom faster than lightning.

Oh well. Despite this quite embarrassing episode, I learnt two things: Claire likes knight stories and intense sex scenes. This should help me find her favourite movie!

Oh my god…there's only 3 days left to complete the two other tests!

I already have an idea for the movie, but it's not enough…I have to find other clues…but how?

Hmm…maybe Rebecca knows her favourite movie! I often see the two girls speaking together. And since Rebecca brought the movies in the living room, it could be possible that she had talked about it with Claire…

Yes! I think I'll do that!

But how…? I never really talked to her…

Meh, I'll go see her in her room tonight if she's alone. It shouldn't be too difficult…

Hahahahaaaaaaaa…wow, I can't believe it!

I went to see Rebecca like I had said, thinking she would tell me without much hassle…but, it had been much easier than I had thought!

As I was walking to her door, I saw that it was cracked opened…so I decided to peep a little bit inside. And do you know what I saw?

No, she wasn't touching herself…but it wasn't far!

She was lying on her bed and she had a picture frame in her hands and she was kissing it with big wet kisses while saying "Billy, Billy, Billy, oh Billy" continuously. It took me everything to not laugh and then reveal my position.

The first thought that came to me was this French song "Billy" by Julie Masse…oh that Julie, she was so hot!

But no, it seems that this Billy was a prisoner (well, what a coincidence!) that Rebecca had met before her adventure in the Spencer mansion. But they got separated and she hadn't seen him since then. Poor girl…

So, as she was kissing a picture of that Billy (a mug shot actually, kinda strange…), I sneakily entered her bedroom with a big smile on my face. It took her a few seconds to notice me.

I think I'll never forget her reaction when she saw that someone was in the room with her. While she was giving another big kiss to the frame, her eyes had moved in my direction and had opened up widely in an unthinkable manner! Then, the frame had slipped from her hands, had floated in the air as she fell down from the bed (without screaming too loudly fortunately).

Behind the bed, I heard her say:

"W-wh-what…you didn't see anything!"

I laughed and replied:

"No Rebecca, I didn't see you kissing a picture frame with your tongue. Who's Billy, by the way?"

She didn't want to tell me, so I made a deal with her. If she wasn't going to tell me who was Billy and what was Claire's favourite movie, I was going to tell all the people present in the hideout that she was doing somewhat…erotic activities with a picture frame.

I knew I had won when I saw her face melting down.

"No! No! Anything, but not that!"

"Then, tell me what Claire's favourite movie is."

"Why do you want to know that?"

"None of your business. You want me to tell Chris and Jill that you enjoy making love to a photo?"

"Noooo! Alright, alright, Claire told me once that her favourite movie was…"

Robin Hood : Men in Tights! XD

Who would have thought that it's Claire's favourite movie? Hahahahahahaaaaaaaa !

I would have never found it! Yes, there are knights in it, but no hot sex scenes…well, maybe for that, she watches more traditional porn movies…

What am I saying? Claire watching porn!

It's kinda exciting to think about it…

…

Shit, where are the tissues?

Chris didn't believe me when I told him that I knew Claire's favourite movie. He thought that I was bluffing when I went to see him, a triumphant smile on my face.

He was quite shocked. Oh yes. I don't think he thought that I was going to succeed! Who's the wise guy now?

He confirmed that I was right, but he reminded me that there was a last test to pass.

The "test of patience".

I first thought that it would have to do with how long I would have stayed virgin while dating Claire, but no.

It was much worse than that.

Tomorrow, I have to get up early. I have to go fishing with him, catch a trout and only a trout, and then cook it for Claire. And if Claire likes it, I pass the test.

And say that I only went fishing once with my father when I was 7…

NO.

I have to succeed!

After going all this way, I can't give up! I will catch that trout and make Claire taste the most awesome thing ever!

GO GO GO !

I…I don't know what to say. I managed to catch a trout minutes ago!

OH YEAAAAHH !

(No need to say that it took me 6 hours to catch it…Chris had laughed at me so much! Even more when a fish had pulled so hard on my line that I took a direct dive into the lake! Ha. Ha. So funny, brother-in-law!)

But I got it! Yoohoo! But now, I have to cook it and make something good for Claire's supper.

If she doesn't like it, I'm done for.

C'mon, you can do it Steve!

My mother had shown me how to cook fish…I think you have to use Ketchup or something like that…

AAAAAHHHH! I'M NERVOUS!

I have to succeed!

Well…after having had one hell of a time preparing the trout (cutting it, emptying it, EWWWW!), I managed to do something edible! Not really nice-looking (it looks like the bloodiest crime scene ever!), but it looks really good!

All along, Chris had watched me doing. And now that it's in the oven, I'm waiting for Claire to come eat…she will probably be surprised to see that I'm the one who cooked her something! 3

Please…make her like it!

I…I don't believe it! She liked it! OH MY GOOODDDD!

At first, she had given me a weird look when I served her plate. She was wondering why it was me who had made supper. She had instantly noticed Chris in the door frame and she had looked at me again. And said something like:

"Okay…what's the catch?" (no pun intended XD)

I had tried once again to use my acting lessons by telling her that I wanted to surprise her. She had then stared at her plate and asked me:

"Hum…what is that exactly?"

I told her that it was a trout that I had caught the same morning by going to the lake with Chris, to have a good time between brothers-in-law.

She didn't really believe me, but she still took the risk to taste it.

AND SHE LIKED IT! YAHOOOO!

In fact, she had almost swallowed it whole in one bite! The things she can do with her mouth, oh my god!

…hum.

I no longer have tissues…

So, yeah! Once she had finished the trout, she had thanked me with a small smile on her lips and she had even kissed me on the cheek!

And once that she had left the kitchen, Chris came to join me with his hand stretched out. Triumphant, I had stretched mine and felt, once again, Chris breaking all my bones, a cute smile on his athlete face. It still hurts…

And he told me that I had passed the three tests and that he was finally giving me the permission to date Claire!

If my hand hadn't hurt that much, I would have danced.

But before I could leave the kitchen and join Claire in her room, I clearly heard Chris say the following words:

"If you make her cry or if she ends up pregnant before the age of 25, I will make sure to remodel your pretty face. Even Leatherface will be less ugly than you…"

I think he was joking…but it still gave me shivers down my spine.

I don't think I'll be able to sleep peacefully for the following weeks…

Anyway, let's go back to the current situation! I still haven't gone to see Claire who's currently in her bedroom…I'm a bit nervous…no, EXTREMELY NERVOUS.

Well.

Let's go.

Ha.

Haha.

Hahahahaha !

Is it a joke?

I hope it's one…

Good grief…

When I went to see Claire in her bedroom, more than excited, she had looked at me with a very funny look and had immediately asked:

"So? What was all this?"

I had tagged along by telling her that I didn't know what she was saying.

"You've been acting weird for a whole week…You ran laps around the villa early in the morning, you rummaged through my room…you went fishing with my brother…that's not really your usual behaviour all this. It's even very suspicious."

I would have continued my innocent act, but Claire is very intelligent. No matter what lies I would have said, she wouldn't have believed me. I then decided to tell her the truth.

"You…you did all this so my brother could give you the permission to ask me out?"

She had burst out in laughter after that. And as I had watched her laugh, my enthusiasm and confidence disappeared as fast as a ninja.

"Well, that takes the biscuit!" she had exclaimed.

Carefully, I had asked if that meant no, that she was rejecting me.

And then, ah, THAT, took the biscuit; she told me:

"If you wanted to ask me out, you didn't have to ask Chris's permission!"

"But…"

"C'mon, Steve! I'm big enough to accept or reject a boy advances! No need of my brother for that!"

"So…everything I have done…"

"I think Chris just wanted you to give up…he had done this before with one of our neighbours who had wanted to ask me out. Poor guy…he never got over it…"

"What did he do to him?" I had asked, more than terrified.

"That's not important," she had immediately cut. "So, you want to ask me out, right?"

I nodded frantically.

That is when she smiled to me and said:

"No."

"…no?"

"No. The answer is no."

"Oh, uh…it's…it's alright. I understand, haha, it was stupid of me to ask you..I…"

And while I was trying to handle the situation like a man, I had noticed a funny look on Claire's face. She was looking in my direction, but she wasn't looking at me. Not ME.

"That's what you wanted to hear, right Chris?"

And this is at that moment that I turned around and saw Chris hiding behind the door frame. When he realized that me and Claire were looking at him, he came out of his hiding spot.

"What are you saying, Claire? I gave Steve the opportunity to show that he was an excellent boyfriend. He has passed my tests with success, which gave him the permission to ask you out. Your answer only depended on you. I have nothing to do with that."

"Of course. Your tests were actually used to discourage him and make him fear you."

"But he succeeded, no? That's not my problem if you don't want him to go out with you…"

"And what if I wanted him to go out with me?"

"What?"

As I was watching the brother and sister arguing about my love, I lost track of the conversation and I decided to sit down on Claire's bed, waiting for them to finish. I even took the opportunity to continue the book about the knight and his lady who were about to unite their love in a barn. The book was lying on the bed…

And after a good 15 minutes of arguing, I was surprised to hear Claire screaming at the top of her lungs:

"I WANT TO GO OUT WITH HIM, ALRIGHT?"

And at that, Chris hadn't been able to counterattack. He had mumbled something and left the room.

Then, while Claire was panting harder than a furious camel, she had turned around toward me, fire in her eyes and groaned:

"Yooouuuuu…"

As I thought that I was finally dead, not killed by Chris, but by his sister, the love of my life, I realized that Claire hadn't tried to assassinate me. No.

She had…

Kissed me on the lips.

And it was at that moment that I perfectly understood that I had conquered Claire's heart, that I had her brother's agreement that now, everything was in order.

Claire and I, we're finally together.

The only problem now…is that I dug up the whole villa today, and I didn't find one single condom!

And since we're living in the middle of nowhere, there is no pharmacy for miles round!

HOW WILL I SURVIVE?

FIN.