So, it was this day again. Almost a year has past but my heart still hasn't healed. The pain still resides deep in there; I cannot help but feel empty, so empty that sometimes I sit still for hours thinking, reviving, remembering, crying, and desperately wanting more.
He was everything for me, I was afraid before that my life will cling along his. And, today sitting on this lavishing green grass, I feel I am dead. Now to my aching heart, I still ask why I loved him so much. There is no drug to cure me now; no one can bring him back. I am to live without my life, like an incarnate corpse.
I sit down, touching the wet grass, tears flowing out, the grass, it means so much. I can still hear his cackle, my minds clinging to how he used to sound like; it's been long since I heard him. I am afraid I will forget his voice, so I sat back up straight with my eyes closed trying to recreate him in my mind, slowly bringing him back to pseudo life.
And, there I can see in the darkness of my closed eyes, my love smiling at me, holding my hand, gently walking beside me. I focus on his hand, the feeling of how he used to feel like, O everything is nothing but a play of my neurons. I try harder to get those feelings back, but he is not here.
Like every other day, I lay down on the grass looking up at the sky. The stars twinkling back at me, trying to calm me but my whole face is wet, tears been my only partner of this loneliness.
I close my eyes again and replay all our moments together, meeting each other every day at work, working on cases, those jet rides, profiling together. I remember I once told everyone he was so lifelike.
Those hundreds of days accompanying him like a shadow, enjoying his sight, laughs, jokes, statistics and how much now I miss those coffee breaks and our chitchats.
My senses used to overload with joy having him fill them all. And, now there is no rest anywhere but only in dark, imagining what's not there anymore.
Then, all beautiful memories wash away as the scenes from that dreadful day start to flash in. I hated that day, month, year, time, they all took him away from me, they're the culprit too who silently witnessed my lover's end.
That day, whole team was working on the profile after lunch, putting the final pieces together. He was working on the maps spread in front of his eyes, those hypnotic eyes tracing here and there twinkling.
I sat across him pretending to read but in reality only praising him inside out. If only my eyes knew that those were last few moments with him, I wouldn't have even blinked.
But, cruel the destiny was and there the phone call came in calling us over to a barn where the suspected Unsub was hiding. I drove the SUV fast having him beside me on my passenger seat. Who knew, I was driving him to his end. One cannot imagine the guilt I drown in today thinking over and over again of ways to prevent this. I wish the engine broke down; tire flatted out, something, anything to stop him there.
Unfortunately, the ride went on, onto bumpy road and soon into a heaping green forest. We got out taking our stances, holding our weapons straight up.
He was behind me, slamming the door and joining me. He stood me beside me examining the location. I could smell his strong perfume trying to distract me. The rest of the team hadn't arrived yet. We choose to wait for backup.
It was so silent, only birds flapping around and wind gushing near our ears. The afternoon sun was hiding behind clouds. We exchanged few glances, those haunting eyes still burning inside me today. He smiled even in this situation maybe because of my face expressions, tensed and very serious which was a rare thing according to him. He lowered his gun still staring at me.
"Are you afraid Emily?" He asked. I laughed off a little.
"I'm not afraid, just bored of this countless rehearsal every time" I answered.
"Sounding a little too confident there" Spencer exclaimed. I tilted my head a little and nodded shyly. His smiled even more beautifully in response sending shivers down me even today. We like doing that, staring at each other, not saying anything, letting our eyes do the job.
This was the extend of our love, in middle of a murder mystery, two agents drooling in each other's love in middle of a forest waiting for the police to arrive.
"What are looking at?" I teased and asked.
"I don't know" He slowly answered.
"What do you mean you don't know, where's your mind genius?" I giggled at his absent mind.
"Maybe, I love you just a little too much" He replied with his favourite line, which he often repeated.
I crave those words today, desperately rolling over in my sleep, screaming to hear them again. They were gone with him.
Then, the bullet fired in the air breaking our love trance and alerting us. Few screams, coming from a victim few meters ahead pulled us from our safe haven and into the depth of the forest.
He walked; I walked, both side by side, not knowing this countless routine has its own turns and twists. Few leaves and branches were moved aside, and we came into the view of that furious beastlike Unsub firing an innocent victim. He had lost all insanity. It happened so fast.
"Alex, stop, stop, we are here to help" I yelled over his firing. The victim was lying on the floor dead but he kept firing.
"Alex, he's dead, it is done, drop your weapon" Spencer called over. He stopped his gunshot and stare back at the voice, the voice of my most beloved.
The whole world witnessed it, I bet all the Gods saw it too but no one could stop it. That beast's insane stare was the last thing those hauntingly mesmerized eyes saw, the last of life before an array of bullets entered his body, with momentum so forceful his invaded body retracted, the gunshots were never-ending. I returned the fires putting a halt to the assault. The beast fell dead and so did my love. It was so fast, he didn't even scream, whimper, no sound leaked his precious mouth.
Within seconds, he was still in my arms, leaving me along for rest of my life. In the background, sirens were ringing, like they always did, like before, but I was frozen there, in shock. Few moments before I was smiling into his smile and the next instance his life was gone, he had left me, he was no more, and he was dead. Something that I denied forever. How can I call him dead when he is everywhere with me, in my mind, eyes, thoughts, dreams, sleep.
I still lay here today, in middle of the forest, feeling all lost. Death is powerful, it snatched him, I hated it. With him, I was gone too. I lost everything, my life, my love, my job. People called me crazy, wandering in the streets yelling, screaming, laughing loudly at one instance and crying in the other.
Call me whatever, I care not anymore. I don't have him so nothing matters. I miss my old life but I miss him even more. I can never go back to those places where our memories were made. I can't stand the cravings. I can't deal with the fact that he is not here.
My team tries every day to bring me back but where I have gone people usually never return. One may ask who I blamed for this? You should rather ask you I hasn't blamed for it. They ask me, beg me to live on, but for what purpose. I was torture to myself. Only memories remained of him now and I was moving on to relive them, to go back in past and never move forward.
I tell myself, he is in a better place, always watching me, he is beside me but I can't see him.
The cold grass tickling my feet and a soft breath startled me. I knew the scent, the high I got from it, my drug, it was finally here, something I longed.
"Maybe, I love you just a little too much"
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