It began right after lunch on Friday afternoon, and at first she thought she might be imagining things. But as she walked to the ladies' room, it was clear to her that something was wrong. Her suspicions were confirmed when she found that she was bleeding, a bright vibrant red, and she felt a tingly kind of numbness work through her, as she cleaned up and made her way back to her office. She stared blankly at her desk for a moment, not sure what to do. Will was gone, at Sectionals with the kids. Poised to call him, she changed her mind at the last minute and called her ob/gyn instead, and, of course, he told her to come in immediately.
An hour later she was laying back on the examining table, cold and scared, wishing Will was there, wishing now that she had at least called him, feeling empty and alone. And the doctor talked evenly about how this was more common than people think, and would in no way hinder her ability to carry a baby to term in the future. He laid a warm hand on her shoulder, which Emma was sure he thought was comforting, and told her that they needed to take some blood, just to double-check her hormone levels. His nurse began to pull out supplies, needles and tubes and bandaids, and took her arm gently.
"Oh, sweetie, you're freezing," the nurse said softly, and rubbed her arm briskly with her smooth palm. "Let's get you warmed up a bit before we do this." And it was that tiny act of kindness that made the tears come, fat and hot, slipping swiftly down her cheeks as she turned her head towards the wall.
But the nurse said nothing, just continued to rub her arm, finally stopping to quickly and painlessly take her blood, then squeezing her hand reassuringly as she left her alone to get dressed. She was only eight weeks along, so the doctor said that she didn't need a D&C, that she was fine to go home. She was told to take ibuprofen for cramps, and to call the office if the bleeding became increased.
So she went home, alone, feeling blank and detached. It was 5:00 pm, Will and the kids were probably getting ready to go on stage, and the thought of calling him filled her with dread. He didn't need the distraction, there was nothing he could do, and when she tried to imagine his reaction to the news, her stomach churned and her chin trembled dangerously. So instead of calling, she put on her most comfortable pajama pants and one of Will's old t-shirts, propped herself on the couch, and immersed herself in four hours of recorded "CSI: New York," episodes, dozing somewhere between hours two and three, and making herself a spinach salad near the end of hour four.
She heard her phone chirp as she was rinsing her salad plate. She read the message quickly―Kids did great, 1st Place! I'll call you from the bus. Love you and baby Schue―and she felt her throat constrict, at the idea that he didn't know, and that he was so happy, and that she would be the one to take all that away from him when he got home. It left her almost breathless, the dread, so much so that when he called from the bus an hour later, she let the call go into voicemail, because he would assume that she was asleep, and she didn't trust herself to speak.
He finally let himself in the apartment a few minutes before midnight, quietly slipping his shoes off and padding down the hall, and she felt funny because he thought she was asleep and of course she wasn't. As he walked into the bedroom she whispered "hi,", and turned on the lamp by the bed, and his smile was so full of surprise and pleasure, and she wanted to die.
"Hey, you're awake!" he whispered loudly, adjusting his voice to the still and quiet of the apartment. "That was, without a doubt, the loudest bus ride ever," he grinned, loosening his tie and unbuttoning the top buttons of his shirt. He sat at the edge of the bed and leaned down to kiss her, but he broke away quickly and stilled. "What's wrong?"
Oh god. He'd already read her face, and his eyes were suddenly scared.
"Umm...I umm, started bleeding, you know, at school today. Just all of the sudden." His brows furrowed, and his lips formed the word what? but no sound came out. "And I lost the baby, Will. I'm so sorry..." and she couldn't look at him anymore, so she hid her face in her palms as he grabbed her shoulders.
"Emma...wait, what? What happened? Why didn't you call me? I don't understand," and that's exactly how he sounded, lost, confused, and she reached to place a steadying hand on his knee. "It just...it all happened so fast, and you were two hours away, and by the time I realized what was happening it was all over." And he looked numb, just like she'd felt in the doctor's office that afternoon.
"Are you okay? Does it...did it hurt?" he asked softly, and she shook her head slowly, pushing him back a bit, and reaching up to unknot his tie. "I should have been with you, Em," he said brokenly, his voice thick, his eyes wet with tears of comprehension, and she continued to pull off his tie, and unbutton his shirt, stopping at this cuffs to unfasten them, and he let her, still in shock. And she rose to her knees on the mattress, and peeled his shirt from his shoulders, and rubbed his upper back gently, and murmured "you're freezing...let's get you warmed up a bit." He leaned into her then, and exhaled a shaky breath on her shoulder, and folded her in his arms as she continued to rub his back supportively, giving him time to catch up, to process the news that she'd now had hours to work through.
"I'm so sorry, Em. I'm so sorry that you were alone," he murmured miserably against her neck.
"You were exactly where you needed to be," she whispered, her face buried in his curls. She was silent for a long moment. "And I know we'll have another baby...but it won't be this baby..."
"No, it won't be this baby," he answered sadly, and then she began to cry, really cry, harsh gulping sobs against his shoulder as he rocked her gently, and kissed her hair, and cried with her, cried at the thought of her alone, until they finally quieted, Emma shaking and hiccuping against Will's chest as he hummed in her ear, and cradled her close, and rocked her to sleep.