Death. I'm sure that's what I want, what I need. So, why is it that hard to make the choice: life or death? But then, which is which?
That's what she was thinking. And not for the first time. She's had that on mind for days, which slowly stretched into weeks and finally, months. Could it really be that hard to choose? She had nothing to lose. Her parents were divorced - father in jail, mother, if you could call it that, couldn't care less about such a huge responsibility, burden - a daughter. Black haired and eyed, she didn't stand out in school, not at all. Actually, there wasn't anyone in the world who cared about her, that was a fact, she was more than positive that she couldn't call anyone "friend". Not that she knew the term well enough to be able to tell, when such a person appeared in her life. So what was it, that kept her alive, kept the indecision inside her, an unbearable feeling. Deep inside, she knew what it was, that she wouldn't want to lose, that she will think about, when taking her last breath, when she'll make the decision - and she knew she would; and what she'd miss, when life was gone, something that she didn't even have.
Edward.
That was the only thing that mattered in her life. Yes, it is stupid and no, he doesn't know that she exists, but it is the one thing that matters in her life, that she cares about. But, if she doesn't know him, doesn't have him, then, really, what is there to lose?
She would go to her favourite place, where she went to relax, to think, and she would end her road there. Not thinking about her pain, her desires. Just being relieved that it would finally end; that this thing, which she was unporposefully trapped inside, would finally let her go. This stupid thing called life. There can't be anything worse than life, than the pain it caused her. She would welcome the other option with open arms, reaching out for it with relief.
Death.
Death.
Yes, that was the answer, her final word, her decision. After all, you can't lose what you never had. It had to be a great feeling, being free, letting go of yourself, of all the illusions. Because really, what was reality? And it will be done with quickly, with no goodbyes - those were useless; who would she say goodbye to, anyway? No second thoughts, in case she'll change her mind. Again. Midnight seemed just right. The sound of the word felt just right. That means there only is a couple of hours.
I will go, now.