Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 14
Airdate: December 23, 2016
"The Blight Before Christmas" (45-minute special)
Segway Segment: Adriana and Anna's Holiday Shopping Tips
Special Guest Stars: Ed Asner as Himself, Kira Kosarin as Lynne
#TYH515
SCENE 1
("Heard 'Em Say" by Kanye West featuring Adam Levine plays in the background)
Fade in. The Seattle skyline is shown as a light snowfall comes down at night. The words "The Thank You, Heavenly Holiday Special" show up in the sky, and then slowly disappear. Quick shots are shown of various places in Seattle, including CenturyLink Field, Ike's Ice Cream Emporium, Ken Griffey Jr. Park, and iCarly Elementary School. In one shot, a homeless man walks up to a house and starts opening up one of the garbage bags, looking for some food. A man looks through the curtain of the house, spots the homeless man, and simply shakes his head. He then closes the blinds.
(In voiceover form) ED ASNER: Hello there. I'm Ed Asner. Ah, the holidays are magical, aren't they? A time to give back to your fellow man, a time to be grateful for everything you have. You know, I celebrated plenty of Christmases when I was a kid. And they all sucked. Anyway, this episode is about the kids of Testicular Sound Express. Our story begins right before the kids are about to leave school for holiday break. Sparky was just putting the finishing touches on his Christmas decorations, while his friends were all being lazy shits.
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The guys are watching TV while Sparky puts an ornament on top of his Christmas tree. He then pauses.
SPARKY: Hey guys, did you hear something just now?
RK: Hear what?
SPARKY: I don't know. It sounded like some old man talking.
BUSTER: Ah, Sparky, you're getting stressed out by the holidays. Sit down, watch some TV with us.
SPARKY: I wish I could, buddy. But I don't half-ass my decorations. I want this Christmas tree to shine like never before.
WADE: I just don't understand why people make such a big deal about celebrating Christmas.
JAYLYNN: Um, probably because it's the celebration of Jesus' birth?
WADE: That's not entirely true, Jaylynn. You see...
Buster and RK groan in annoyance.
WADE: What?
RK: Oh, come on, Wade. Every year, we have to hear the same story. Blah blah blah, Pagans. Blah blah blah, winter solstice. Blah blah blah, Saturnalia. You know, as a Christian, I have the right to give you a spanking.
WADE: No, you don't.
Beat.
BUSTER: Do I?
JAYLYNN: Look, Wade, you can't keep people from being happy that it's Christmas. I'm glad they're happy. Wish I could be.
WADE: What? Why wouldn't you be happy?
RK whispers in Wade's ear.
WADE: Oh, right, I forgot. I'm sorry about what happened to your mom, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Eh, it's okay. I'm a lot better now than I used to be.
SPARKY: Hey Buster, you think you could check on my cookies?
BUSTER: Aye aye, captain.
Buster whistles "Sleigh Ride" as he walks to the kitchen.
RK: Why are you making cookies already? Christmas isn't until Sunday.
SPARKY: It's not for Christmas. I'm baking them for the grab bag party tomorrow.
RK: Oh, right, the grab bag party.
JAYLYNN: What grab bag party?
RK: The grab bag party. You know, every year around the holidays, the school has a grab bag party?
JAYLYNN: I don't know what you're talking about.
RK: You were there the last two years?
JAYLYNN: Are you sure that actually happened?
RK: Look, dummy, the grab bag party is when all the kids just sit around eating desserts all over the freaking place and trade new year's resolutions and shit.
JAYLYNN: That sounds like fun.
RK: YOU SHOULD KNOW, YOU WERE THERE FOR THE LAST TWO!
WADE: I don't like whatever it is you guys are trying to do.
Sparky jumps off of his ladder and walks into the kitchen.
SPARKY: Hey Buster, what's the verdict on the cookies?
BUSTER: Definitely ready to go for tomorrow. You better hope they don't get mixed up with Ms. Bryan's cookies.
SPARKY: What? Why?
BUSTER: You know why, man. Every year, Ms. Bryan makes 16 cookies and 14 of them are red. The other two are green, and everyone knows those are the cursed cookies.
SPARKY: Oh, Lordy. You're telling me that you actually believe in the Christmas cookie curse?
BUSTER: Of course. You think it's a coincidence that every time someone eats one of those green cookies, they end up having bad luck?
SPARKY: Name one time those cookies actually caused anything bad to happen to anyone.
BUSTER: Well, who can forget last year when Sanna ate one? She ended up losing her backpack and didn't get it back for a whole day. She was devastated!
SPARKY: Buster, she left it at Ashley's house and forgot to take it home with her.
BUSTER: Yeah...but it was the cookie that caused her to forget her backpack. It was working its magical bad luck powers. Why do these things always happen to the beautiful people?!
Sparky sighs.
SPARKY: You guys are ridiculous. There's a perfectly good explanation for everything that happens in this world. There's no such thing as superstitions or bad luck. That's just what grown-ups say so you can do what they tell you.
BUSTER: You really believe that?
SPARKY: Of course. My parents taught me to think for myself. And I know for a fact that a cookie isn't going to give you bad luck.
BUSTER: I hope you're right about that.
SPARKY: I know I am. Hey, can you give me my frosting tube so I can start putting hearts on these things? Oh, and my sprinkle pen so I can put glitter on them.
Buster gives Sparky a confused expression.
SPARKY: I don't have to explain who I am to you.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are sorting out their lockers as several kids pass by them.
WADE: Well, the grab bag party's about to start. You're ready to stuff your face, RK?
RK: Sure am. And then I'll be closer to getting the hell up out of here for two weeks. Praise baby Jesus.
WADE: You know, you could just enjoy this one thing and not always think about how much you hate this place.
RK: You're right. I could, but it's important to stay consistent. Besides, this vacation will give me time to reflect. It's been a pretty crappy year.
WADE: How so?
RK: I don't know. Something just felt off about 2016. Don't you think we could have done more?
WADE: Eh, kinda. I mean, it's like we had our fair share of adventures, but it was cut short or something.
RK: Exactly. Well, until I figure out why that's the case, there's no time to lose. Let's put some dessert in our mouth.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
("Jingle Bells" by Drake Bell plays in the background)
A large table is set up in the middle of the lunchroom so the kids can get their desserts. Cut to Jaylynn in line with RK and Wade.
JAYLYNN: Hey RK, is this what you were talking about? I think I do remember this.
RK: I hate you.
WADE: Well, there's a real turnout for this one. Hey Jaylynn, maybe you can bake for Christmas.
JAYLYNN: Oh, so just because I'm a girl, I have to conform to gender stereotypes? Is that what you think?
WADE: What? No, I didn't mean that. I was just...
JAYLYNN: Oh, I'm just playing, Wade. But I'm not much of a cook. The only thing I'm good at making is a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich.
RK: You don't use jelly?
JAYLYNN: Of course not, Nutella's awesomesauce. You know, I wonder what Anja's doing for Christmas. She's probably having family over and everything.
RK: Well, why don't you join her? Have someone to celebrate the holidays with. It'll give you something to look forward to.
JAYLYNN: That's genius, RK! I'll just celebrate Christmas with Anja. This might be the best idea I've ever come up with.
RK: Are you seriously doing this while I'm right here?
WADE: Actually, Jaylynn, there might be a little wrench in your plan.
JAYLYNN: No need to tell me, Wade. I'll figure it out myself. I have to start thinking of all the cool shit I'm gonna do with Anja.
RK: When you say wrench, do you mean something's gonna be really bad?
WADE: Pretty much, yeah.
Cut to Buster in front of the cookies.
BUSTER: Hi, I'm Buster. I can't believe we're meeting like this, but I just want you to know that I would love to take all of you home with me. There's just not enough room in my stomach, you know?
At that point, Sparky arrives with Halley.
SPARKY: Buster, stop talking to the dessert.
BUSTER: I'm just trying to build a relationship.
HALLEY: Hey guys, I was going to save it until later, but I think I'll just give you your presents now.
BUSTER: Wait. So you're saying you actually bought me something?
HALLEY: Why not? You're cool people.
BUSTER: Aww, Halley, you're embarrassing me.
SPARKY: Did you get us season tickets to the Mariners?
HALLEY: Pffft, like I have real money to blow. But I did spend a lot on yours.
Halley gives Sparky his present, and he opens it.
SPARKY: Oh, cool! A gold watch!
HALLEY: Nice, right? Now you don't have to ask me the time every single time we go out.
SPARKY: I'm already in love. Thank you Halley.
Sparky kisses Halley on the cheek.
HALLEY: Here's your present, Buster.
BUSTER: Personally, I'm really hoping it's a keychain.
Buster opens his gift.
BUSTER: Holy shit! A gift card for Chuck E. Cheese's!
HALLEY: Yeah, there's about $100 on there. Just so you know, you can only use that card as long as the money I put is on there. It expires when all the money's gone.
BUSTER: I know how these gift cards work, Halley.
HALLEY: Are you sure? Because I remember what happened with your Burger King card this summer.
BUSTER: I thought they wanted you to keep adding money!
Buster smells something. He notices that Ms. Bryan is putting her cookies out for the kids to eat.
BUSTER: It's beginning to smell a lot like cookies!
At that point, several other kids rush to the table and knock Buster down so they can get the cookies. When they leave, Buster gets up and dusts himself off.
BUSTER: I can't believe I didn't get hurt. I'm a warrior! Ow!
Buster starts clutching his arm in pain.
HALLEY: What happened?
BUSTER: My ego got the better of me and I stretched my arm out too much.
Sparky looks at the tray and sees that only two green cookies remain.
SPARKY: Hey, they only took the red ones. Buster, you still have a chance!
BUSTER: What? Sparky, are you insane?! We can't eat those!
SPARKY: Oh, here we go again. Buster, they're just cookies, not explosives.
HALLEY: You guys believe in that cookie curse?
SPARKY: Well, I don't. He does.
BUSTER: Because it's true. I can't have that ruin my holiday. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror.
SPARKY: But what if I told you that we can go down as legends by eating these cookies and not have anything bad happen to us?
BUSTER: Impossible.
SPARKY: Is it really? Because I think we can do the impossible. Just watch me.
Sparky takes one of the cookies and starts eating it.
BUSTER: NOOOOOOOO, YOU SCREWED YOURSELF!
HALLEY: If you want to save him, you should eat the cookie too.
BUSTER: Of course! Reverse psychology! Hang on, Sparky, I'll save you!
Buster eats the other green cookie.
BUSTER: Well, I hope you're happy. Thanks to these delicious cookies, we're both on a rocket ship to hell.
SPARKY: No, we're not. Buster, superstitions aren't real. That's why they're superstitions. We'll beat this curse easy.
Manny shows up near the guys.
MANNY: Wait a minute. Did you guys just eat those green cookies?
SPARKY: Yup. We're going to prove everybody wrong and beat the cookie curse.
MANNY: You're both dumbasses.
BUSTER: Well, I don't see you doing anything at your job at Wendy's.
MANNY: Buster, I don't have...
BUSTER: Shut up. We're beating the odds.
SCENE 5
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, Anja hears the ringing of her doorbell and opens it.
ANJA: Oh, hey Jaylynn. Happy holidays.
JAYLYNN: Pffft, you don't have to be politically correct around me. Merry Christmas Anja.
ANJA: Same to you. Have a candy cane.
Anja tosses Jaylynn a candy cane.
JAYLYNN: Thanks. Wait, is this peppermint?
ANJA: Yeah, why?
JAYLYNN: Well, I can't have peppermint. Health reasons.
ANJA: Oh, really? Does it give you stomach problems?
JAYLYNN: No, I just hate the taste. A lot.
ANJA: Oh, well, that's fine. I guess I can just give the rest to the mailman and salespeople. So what do you want to do?
JAYLYNN: Well, actually, I was here because I wanted to know if I could come to your house for Christmas. I know you have family coming over, but I think it'll be fun.
ANJA: Oh, my family's not coming over.
JAYLYNN: What? How do you celebrate Christmas and not have the fam come over?
ANJA: Easy. By not celebrating Christmas.
JAYLYNN: Wait...huh?
ANJA: Yeah, I don't celebrate Christmas.
Jaylynn simply has a blank stare.
JAYLYNN: Oh. Hey Anja, why does it feel like the room is spinning?
Jaylynn ends up fainting. Fade to black. Fade back in, Jaylynn is now on the couch and starts coming to.
JAYLYNN: Hey! It was all a bad dream! Anja really does celebrate Christmas!
ANJA: No, I don't. Trust me, it's not a dream.
JAYLYNN: Well, why not? Don't give me any hints. You had a traumatic experience when you were a baby and because of that, you're afraid of Christmas.
ANJA: Nope.
JAYLYNN: You're an atheist and you can't stand the fact that people are always up in your face about Jesus?
ANJA: How can I be an atheist when I'm Muslim?
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Okay, I'm out of guesses. Help me out here.
ANJA: I don't celebrate the holidays at all, Jaylynn. It's just not a part of my religion. We don't believe in honoring the birth of a prophet like that.
JAYLYNN: Well, you know, Christmas is about a lot more than just Christ. You get to celebrate your friends and family, reflect on how grateful you are to be alive, buy a nice tree and stuff that shit with hundreds of presents.
ANJA: You are so materialistic.
JAYLYNN: Oh, please, like the thought of getting Christmas presents turns you off.
ANJA: I wouldn't know. Because I never got any.
JAYLYNN: Well, we're gonna fix that. Anja, God brought you into my life to make it better. So now it's time for me to do the same for you. I'm going to give you your very first Christmas.
ANJA: I don't want it.
JAYLYNN: Your lips say no, but your eyes say yes. I can't have you sitting around like an old lady with 19 cats on Christmas morning while the rest of us are having fun. I'm going to spread the holiday joy.
ANJA: Easier said than done.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: You're going to make this really complicated, aren't you?
SCENE 6
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, RK, KG, and Wade are watching TV.
WADE: So what are we going to watch first?
RK: Well, every year, KG and I watch the Big Time Rush Christmas special.
KG: I don't watch that fruity shit.
RK: Okay, you don't, but I do. It just puts me in such a good mood.
WADE: Maybe we should call Sparky over. He loves that episode.
RK: Oh no, he has the cookie curse all over him. I can't have those bad spirits in my house. Messing up the flow and whatnot.
KG: Cookie curse? Wait, is this like a new type of cooties?
RK: Please, only babies believe in that cootie crap. I'm talking about the green cookies at the grab bag party. Sparky and Buster ate them and now they're going to have bad luck.
WADE: RK, there's no scientific evidence to suggest that cookies are responsible for bad luck.
RK: That's because all the world's top scientists are confused, Wade. This curse is bigger than them. They have no answer for it.
The telephone starts ringing. RK and KG look at each other.
KG: You get it.
RK: But I don't want to!
Beat.
KG: Okay.
KG goes to get the telephone.
KG: Jennings residence, talk to me. Oh, hey Mom. Yeah, we're getting ready for the holidays. Okay, great, keep us updated when you come to Seattle. Alright, love you too. Dad, you don't have to scream, I'm right here. Dad? Hello?
KG sighs and hangs up the phone, then goes back to the couch.
RK: What did Mom and Dad want?
KG: Oh, they just said that they should be in Seattle on Friday night. Man, I can't wait!
RK: Me either.
WADE: You know, my parents are also coming here on Friday.
RK: Really? That's an unrelated coincidence.
Beat.
WADE: I was thinking. Every year, our parents come here for Christmas and we never do anything special for them.
KG: That's not true. When I was twelve, I made my dad these really nice boots out of Honey Nut Cheerios and Elmer's glue.
WADE: Did he ever wear them?
KG: No. But I still did something.
WADE: I'm just saying, as a token of our gratitude, we should do something really special for our parents. Give them the ultimate Christmas present.
RK: I got it, million dollar idea. On Christmas Day, we treat our parents to a nice dinner at the homeless shelter, to show how grateful we are for everything we have.
KG: I like that idea.
WADE: No! We're not exploiting homeless people! Why don't we make Christmas dinner for them?
Beat.
RK: Eh, that could work.
KG: Not really feeling the idea, Wade.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is talking to Buster on the phone.
SPARKY: I don't know, Buster, I don't feel any different. I guess those cookies really don't have any effect on you.
BUSTER: It's only day one. There's plenty of time for things to go wrong. Which is why I went to the library after school and took out a book that's going to solve all of our problems.
SPARKY: Since when do you go to the library?
BUSTER: I don't have to explain who I am to you. Anyway, this book is called 1,000 Ways to Beat the Odds. It's by this guy named Michael...Schwartzman? I don't know, I think he's dead or something. Anyway, what Schwartzman says is there are many ways to avoid bad luck and stay ahead of everyone else. He also has tips on how to win big money in Vegas!
SPARKY: Eh, I'm not much of a gambler. Especially after what happened last time. But Buster, we have nothing to worry about. We don't have to beat the odds because there's no curse. And when we come back to school next month, we're going to show everyone how we proved there's no curse.
BUSTER: Well, I'm still keeping this book handy. It might end up saving our lives. Good night Sparky.
SPARKY: Good night. See you tomorrow, bud.
Sparky hangs up the phone and ends up tripping over Santa's Little Helper on his way to the kitchen.
SPARKY: Okay, that was weird.
BITCH CLOCK: Cut to Bitch Clock standing over Sparky while eating an apple.
Cut to Bitch Clock standing over a confused Sparky while eating an apple.
SPARKY: Dude, you just said the stage directions.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, shit, f***! I mean, um, well, it looks like that cookie curse is about to bite you in the ass.
SPARKY: What are you talking about? I didn't watch where I was going, and I got tripped up. Happens all the time.
BITCH CLOCK: Uh huh. Face it, Sparky, that curse smells blood in the water. It knows you're around, and sooner or later, it's going to chew open your arteries with its razor sharp teeth.
SPARKY: So what? You want me to live in fear until Christmas comes?
BITCH CLOCK: Of course not. You just have to stop being cocky and start being cautious. You never know what might happen. You know the boy who cried wolf?
SPARKY: Yes, Bitch Clock, every English-speaking person knows the boy who cried wolf.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, but what they don't teach you in school besides Columbus and Johnny Appleseed is that boy thought he was untouchable. Banging girls left and right, in the prime of his life with his chiseled muscles. He didn't think the wolf would ever come. And when it finally did, nobody helped save him. You know why? Because he had hubris.
SPARKY: Hubris?
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, hubris. He was so arrogant in thinking he could play everybody in his town with his story and he would always get away with it. But one day, luck caught up to him, said time's up, and killed him. And if you don't watch out, you and Buster are going to end up just like him.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, this is the same smart dumb talk you give me every time you're sober. I don't have hubris, and neither does Buster.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, I take offense to that. I'm trying to lay off the sauce until Christmas Eve. And I'm not saying you guys have it, but a lot of strange shit happens in this world that you can't explain. Just know that at the end of the day, if you get too cocky, hubris will kill you.
Bitch Clock goes upstairs, leaving Sparky rubbing his chin.
SPARKY: Definitely not the worst advice he's ever given me. Hey, wait a minute. Why the hell am I still on the floor?
Sparky gets up from the floor and ends up tripping again right into the kitchen.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Sparky whistles "Beautiful Christmas" by Big Time Rush as he zips up his jacket and puts on his hat. Buster walks in at that moment with a bag.
BUSTER: Ready to go to the mall, Sparks?
SPARKY: You know it. I can't wait to get Halley the best gift I can. I don't want her outshining me. Hey, what's that? You returning something?
BUSTER: Oh no. I just brought the Schwartzman with me. I'm not even done reading this book cover to cover.
SPARKY: Buster. Sweet, paranoid Buster. We have nothing to worry about. We all make our own luck in this world. At least that's what my mom said. Now come on. We have presents to buy.
BUSTER: Okay. But before we go, you should know that according to Schwartzman, you have much higher odds of getting in a car accident than you do getting bitten by a poisonous snake, getting struck by lightning, or dying in a plane crash.
Beat.
SPARKY: Michael Schwartzman is odd. Let's go.
Sparky leaves the house, and Buster sighs as he leaves too.
SCENE 9
Chase Bank
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster leave the bank laughing.
SPARKY: Random conversation.
BUSTER: Yeah, random jokes.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. What's that on my car?
BUSTER: A Cimorelli bumper sticker?
Sparky runs to his car to find a parking ticket on the windshield.
SPARKY: What? A parking ticket?! We were gone for less than five minutes!
BUSTER: You need help paying it off?
SPARKY: No, that's okay. I just can't believe that...
Buster gets hit with two snowballs to the face by some older kids, which makes him fall to the ground. The kids snicker and then run off as Sparky starts to chase them.
SPARKY: Yeah, get out of here, you wackos! Buster, are you okay?
BUSTER: What? Sparky, am I blind? Did it get in my eye?
SPARKY: I think we need to get out of here quicker than Usain Bolt. Too many assholes around these parts.
BUSTER: But Sparky...what about the bumper sticker?
Sparky gives Buster a look of boredom.
SCENE 10
Pacific Place
Interior Macy's
Seattle, Washington
("Christmas Is Starting Now" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy plays over the loudspeakers)
Sparky and Buster are on the escalator at Macy's as they check out their surroundings and head to the next floor.
SPARKY: I tell ya, Buster. When it comes to stores and the holidays, Macy's is the place to be. It just makes you want to cuddle up near the fireplace, put on a warm but hideous sweater, and drink some eggnog, huh?
BUSTER: No, not really.
Beat.
SPARKY: Well, I guess we're just gonna have to agree to disagree. Let's go find Halley the perfect gift.
Cut to Sparky and Buster in the girls' clothing section, receiving weird looks from some of the female customers.
BUSTER: Sparky, I think these girls want our phone numbers. They can't stop staring.
SPARKY: Trust me, they're not staring how you think they are. Seriously, what's the best thing for a Halley? Ooh, a nice sweater that will show off her cute little belly button.
BUSTER: Is my belly button cute?
SPARKY: I don't know, I haven't seen it in months. You know, this isn't the last store to buy stuff. Maybe we should look around.
BUSTER: Yeah, you're right. Oh my God!
SPARKY: What is it? You found the perfect gift?
BUSTER: No. They're selling lipstick that tastes like orange Fanta. How the hell could they ever think of something so awesome?
SPARKY: Seriously, this is why we keep getting stared at.
SCENE 11
Pacific Place
Interior Macy's
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster pass by the jewelry near the front desk when Sparky pauses and turns around to check it out.
SPARKY: Oh my God, these are beautiful. Excuse me, are these emeralds?
SALES LADY: Yes, they are.
BUSTER: Sparky, what's going on? You said we were going to leave, but we haven't, so I'm worried.
SPARKY: Do you see what I see in that display case, Buster?
BUSTER: Bunch of price tags with zeroes?
SPARKY: Well, yeah, but I'm talking about these bracelets. Look at this one. A genuine emerald bracelet. That's Halley's birthstone!
BUSTER: So? It's not Halley's birthday.
SPARKY: Look, dude, I can buy this bracelet for her. It will be the perfect Christmas gift. Ma'am, could I have that last emerald bracelet?
SALES LADY: Certainly.
The sales lady gives Sparky the bracelet to take to the cashier.
SPARKY: It's so shiny and green. And they say money can't buy happiness. I have the present to prove those yahoos wrong.
BUSTER: Sparky, are you insane? You can't buy that! It's like, a gazillion dollars!
SPARKY: Buster, it's Christmastime. This is when you show your friends and family how much you care about them. Plus, if worse comes to worse, I could always beg one of you guys for money.
Cut to Sparky and Buster standing in line.
BUSTER: Sparky, I hate to be a Scrooge, but I don't think this is going to work out. Take a look at the Schwartzman. He says on page 65 that the odds of spending big money on someone else successfully are 120-1. And we don't need more bad luck than we already have.
SPARKY: Buster, for the last time, there's no bad luck because there's no curse. We can't let this get in the way of making this the best Christmas ever.
BUSTER: You say that every year.
SPARKY: It has to mean something sometime!
At that point, an old lady walks up to the boys.
OLD LADY: Excuse me, little boy, is that a real emerald bracelet?
SPARKY: Yes, it is. I'm buying it for my girlfriend.
OLD LADY: Oh, that's too bad. Because I've been meaning to buy one for my granddaughter. She's in the hospital with an illness.
SPARKY: That's terrible.
BUSTER: Listen, lady, my friend here isn't falling for your sob story. So hop along, we have a cookie curse to break.
SPARKY: Buster?!
BUSTER: What? Hey, I respect the elderly, but she's got an agenda. What's the illness?
OLD LADY: It's terminal.
BUSTER: Terminal? How much airline food did she eat?!
SPARKY: Look, ma'am, I really don't want you to see your granddaughter empty handed. You need this bracelet more than I do.
Sparky hands the bracelet off to the old lady.
OLD LADY: Thank you, sonny.
The lady proceeds to kick both Sparky and Buster in the leg and head to another cash register with her granddaughter waiting.
OLD LADY: Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
GRANDDAUGHTER: Thanks Grandma. I love it when you attack people and steal their stuff.
OLD LADY: All in a day's work.
Cut to Sparky and Buster leaving Macy's.
SPARKY: I can't believe that old lady conned me like that.
BUSTER: I'm not surprised. Old people have been on this earth for years. They know how to play the game.
SPARKY: Well, it looks like we're just going to have to try another store.
At that point, two teenagers run past Sparky and Buster and make them fall down.
BUSTER: Do you want to just pick this up tomorrow?
SPARKY: Yeah, sure, whatever.
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same day, RK, Wade, and KG are sitting together on the couch while RK holds a notepad.
RK: Okay, now what are the ingredients for a perfect Christmas dinner?
KG: Whatever we had last year. Which begs the question, why can't we just have what we had last year?
WADE: Because KG, this is for our parents. We want things to be different this year.
KG: Like hell it's for our parents. Last time I checked, you weren't a Jennings.
RK: Big bro, there's no need for that kind of talk in here. Wade's family.
KG: Yeah, your family. I just don't want to go in the kitchen like a Stepford wife, spend hours on Christmas Day making a gourmet meal, and have to clean up the mess afterwards. What's wrong with some ham and macaroni to go with it?
WADE: That's what you guys ate last year? Man, we're really going to need some healthy selections.
Beat.
KG: RK, you either kill him or I do.
RK: Okay, doesn't look like this meeting is going the way we planned. Wade, do you have any suggestions for what we can cook?
WADE: How about we have a really traditional Christmas dinner like the ones they had generations ago? It will be delicious and historically accurate.
RK and KG give Wade blank stares.
WADE: Man, even I thought that sounded uncool. You know what, let's just skip to dessert.
RK: Well, I don't think we should really rock the boat with dessert. In case the food is garbage, we need something really sweet to help everyone choke the dinner down.
KG: We should get that chocolate cake we did last year.
RK: Oh, you mean, the multilayered cake with the little Jesus on top?
KG: That's it.
RK: Yes, we can get that tomorrow. Oh man, this dinner's going to be a slam dunk.
WADE: How so? All we know is what we're going to get for dessert. And my mom's not too partial to chocolate cake.
KG: If you keep complaining, I'm gonna make sure you don't get a plate on Sunday.
WADE: Alright, alright. Let's pick it up tomorrow.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Sparky and Buster are dancing around the room while singing "Jingle Bells."
SPARKY AND BUSTER: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells...
Bitch Clock then walks through the front door and starts dancing too.
BITCH CLOCK: It's Christmastime in Hollis, Queens! Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens! Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese!
Bitch Clock stops rapping once he notices Sparky and Buster staring at him.
BITCH CLOCK: What, you're telling me I can't get down too?
BUSTER: I always liked your magic clock.
BITCH CLOCK: So cursed boys, what's going on with that hex? You guys giving up yet?
SPARKY: No, we're not giving up because we're not hexed. Isn't that right, Buster?
BUSTER: I don't know. That old lady got the best of you today. And I even lost my gift card Halley gave me.
SPARKY: No, you didn't. You left it at home.
BUSTER: Well, I was going to try using it today and the curse ended up screwing me over again.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, guys, it's just a matter of time until you get into some really bad luck. I'm telling you, that hubris will kill you.
SPARKY: You guys are so superstitious. You're just like those witch doctors from the late night infomercials.
Sparky turns on the TV.
SPARKY: Hey, look, the Big Time Rush Christmas episode is on. See, Bitch Clock? Someone with bad luck would never catch a break this good.
VOICEOVER: Tonight's airing of "Big Time Christmas" has been cancelled.
SPARKY: Wait, what?
BUSTER: That can't be legal, can it?
VOICEOVER: And now, for your entertainment, the return of Nickelodeon's Ho Ho Holidays!
SPARKY: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
BUSTER: TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF!
Sparky turns off the TV and then runs to the set to unplug it from the wall outlet. He then starts panting and breathing heavily.
SPARKY: It can't hurt us anymore.
BUSTER: Great. We were expecting a classic Christmas special and all we get is one hour of Rico Rodriguez pissing in our face.
SPARKY: Buster, I think we really are cursed. I mean, it's one thing to get a parking ticket or lose a great present, but when you mess with Big Time Rush, then that's just a one-way ticket to hell.
BUSTER: Oh no, the end really is near! This is going to be the worst Christmas ever!
SPARKY: What the hell are we gonna do?
BITCH CLOCK: I'm gonna tell both of you what you're going to do. You're gonna straighten up your shit, calm down...and spot me twenty bucks each because I promised this chick Red Lobster.
Sparky and Buster angrily stare at Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: What? She likes big spenders! Am I the only one who wants me to be happy?
Cut to black.
SCENE 14
Fade into Adriana and Anna in Jaylynn's bedroom wearing Santa hats. The instrumental to "Mistletoe" by Justin Bieber starts playing in the background.
ADRIANA: Hi. I'm Adriana Chachinski.
ANNA: And I'm Anna Revia. We're D-Generation-X.
ADRIANA: No, we're not.
ANNA: RK paid me to say that.
ADRIANA: Anyway, the holidays are fast approaching, and here at Thank You, Heavenly, we feel like a great present is key to having a great Christmas. So if you want to buy something for somebody, give them something really cool.
ANNA: Celebrate Christmas with something that everyone wants: A neat DVD.
Adriana and Anna walk over to a table near Jaylynn's bed displaying Thank You, Heavenly merchandise. Adriana picks up a DVD.
ADRIANA: Available in stores all over the country this week, pick up Thank You, Heavenly season four on Blu-Ray.
ANNA: It's at 24 frames per second!
ADRIANA: What does that even mean?
ANNA: I don't know, but it sounds cool!
ADRIANA: At the low price of $19.99, you get all 17 episodes, exclusive DVD commentary, animatics of four select episodes, and deleted scenes.
ANNA: You know, what was your favorite season four episode?
ADRIANA: I'm supposed to have just one?
Adriana and Anna start laughing when Jaylynn walks in. The instrumental stops playing and a record needle scratch is heard.
JAYLYNN: What the hell is going on here?
ANNA: Nothing, we're just...dressing up for fun.
JAYLYNN: Why are there cameras here? And what's this table doing here? Matter of fact, why are you guys in my room?
ADRIANA: Jaylynn, we're in the middle of a bit.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. Are you guys doing that shit where you promote DVDs again? I told you to do that in your own house.
ANNA: Well, what if we don't want to?
JAYLYNN: Then I'm calling the cops.
ADRIANA: Oh, no, you don't, you little...
At that point, static is shown and the camera pulls back to reveal that Sparky and Buster are watching this on Sparky's TV.
SPARKY: Buster, how did the TV plug itself ba...
BUSTER: I don't understand anything that just happened.
SPARKY: What are we going to do? This bad luck is just going to keep on following us no matter how much we try getting rid of it. It's like a bad rash.
BUSTER: Why go there, man?
SPARKY: Sorry, buddy. After what happened tonight, I don't think this curse is playing around. Maybe we shouldn't go back to the mall tomorrow.
BUSTER: What about Halley's gift?
SPARKY: Come on, dude, we have bigger problems than that. I mean, it's a sad day when people are killing each other and going to jail for no reason, and all we can think about are presents.
BUSTER: But you were the one who didn't even believe in the curse!
SPARKY: The Cubs didn't believe in a curse for more than eighty years. Why do you think it took them so long to catch up?
BUSTER: Sparky...
SPARKY: Look, I'm talking out of my ass a little, but the point is, we're cursed now. There's nothing we can do about it but try fighting it. Bitch Clock saw what was going on but I couldn't see it because of my stupid hubris.
BUSTER: Alright, I guess I can get on board. What's the plan, chief?
SPARKY: For the next 24 hours, neither of us leaves this house. We stay inside at all times, away from the outside world, and if nothing bad happens to us, then we'll have proof that we're not cursed.
BUSTER: Wait, do those 24 hours start now?
SPARKY: Yeah, of course.
BUSTER: But all of my clothes, drinks, and toys are at home.
SPARKY: Well, in that case, go home and get what you need to get.
BUSTER: YAY, SLEEPOVER!
Buster runs towards the door and forgets to open it, causing him to bang his head on the door and fall backwards on the floor. Sparky sighs, opens the door, shakes Buster awake, and pats him on the back as he sends him out of the house. Sparky then closes the door.
SCENE 15
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, RK and KG are getting ready to go out by putting on their winter gear.
KG: Man, this is going to be the WOAT Christmas. Guaranteed.
RK: WOAT? What does WOAT mean?
KG: Worst Of All Time. It's the opposite of GOAT.
RK: I didn't know that.
KG: Yeah, because you're not as cool as you think you are. And why is Wade trying to make this about him? This is a Jennings Christmas. Now we're going to have to entertain dinner guests, and you know how I feel about entertaining people that aren't in the family.
RK: Look, KG, Wade wants to give back to his parents and do something nice. The least we can do is join in and let our parents know we love them just as much as they love us.
KG: Wow. That was beautiful.
RK: It was? Well, it looks like the holiday spirit is a part of me. I don't know why, but I can't help but feel cheery.
At that point, Jaylynn walks through the front door.
JAYLYNN: Hey guys.
RK: Oh, shit. Now I know why I was so cheery, because Jaylynn wasn't around. I use past tense because you're here now and I'm sad again.
JAYLYNN: Cute. Look, I'd love to have some banter with you like usual, but I'm kinda busy today. Could I borrow your Santa suit?
RK: No way. What would you need my Santa suit for anyway?
JAYLYNN: None of your bee's wax, that's what I need it for.
RK: But you're the one asking me for it!
JAYLYNN: Touche. Well, it turns out Anja doesn't celebrate Christmas so I'm trying to give her the Christmas she's never had.
RK: I bet that was the monkey wrench Wade was talking about.
JAYLYNN: What?
RK: What?
JAYLYNN: *sighs* Look, could I have the suit or not?
RK: Well, you do seem pretty genuine. Alright, you can have it. Just don't eat anything that requires sauce while you wear it. If you spill even one drop of mustard on my suit, I'll cut off every last lock of your hair.
RK goes upstairs to get the suit, leaving KG and Jaylynn to themselves.
KG: I didn't know Muslims don't celebrate Christmas.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I was shocked when I first found out. Shocked, man! But I'm going to make this right. Anja's my best friend and she deserves a Christmas.
KG: But what if she doesn't want it?
JAYLYNN: She wants it, she's just too proud to admit it. Her lips say no, but her eyes say yes.
KG: So I'm just trying to make sure I get this straight. You want to celebrate a holiday with a person of a certain religion even though their religion doesn't believe in celebrating said holiday.
JAYLYNN: Exactly.
KG: Jaylynn, I'm gonna be honest, that kinda sounds like scumbag shit to me.
JAYLYNN: I know what I'm doing!
Beat.
JAYLYNN: You were way more chill when we used to smoke together.
KG: Well, you stopped coming here to light one up with me.
JAYLYNN: I know, but I don't wanna get in trouble. Just hit me up when I'm a high school freshman and we can do it one more time.
RK runs back downstairs with his Santa suit and gives it to Jaylynn.
RK: Alright, weirdo, here's your outfit. Be good to it, and it'll be good to you. Symbiosis.
JAYLYNN: Don't you mean mutualism?
RK: Trust me, it's all the same thing.
SCENE 16
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is watching TV while Buster looks out the window, watching the sky.
BUSTER: Wow. The sky is so beautiful. All blue and everything. Do you know what makes it so blue?
SPARKY: Gas molecules absorbing blue light which then gets scattered all over the sky?
BUSTER: Oh, I don't know much about that science stuff. I was expecting a more poetic answer like, "God wanted the sky to be blue, so to stay away from his wrath, everyone painted it blue."
SPARKY: That probably happened.
BUSTER: Man, this sucks. I'm so bored, I wouldn't even want to watch paint dry. How long is this supposed to last?
SPARKY: Well, it's 10:42 AM right now so I'm assuming nine more hours and change.
BUSTER: This is ridiculous. Why are we staying inside all this time anyway?
SPARKY: Because we're cursed, Buster! Remember?
BUSTER: Oh yeah. That reminds me. Despite the fact that we have bad luck, Michael Schwartzman is here to save the day. He actually says on page 84 that limited outside contact is one of the best ways to avoid tempting fate.
SPARKY: That Schwartzman has a couple good ideas. Whatever happened to him anyway?
BUSTER: Well, I have no idea. Last time anyone heard from him, he was on his way to Panama with his friend. Many days later, his friend's body was found in the sea so I bet Schwartzman knows what happened to him.
SPARKY: Hopefully, one day, he lets us know.
SCENE 17
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK, Wade, and KG walk in the room with a bunch of shopping bags.
RK: Well, I can honestly say this was an annoying experience. I'm glad you two had fun on the other hand.
KG: Who had fun? The only person that was smiling was that boy who accused me of stealing things from his mom's cart.
WADE: Didn't the mom also assume you were on drugs?
KG: Yeah, she did. The nerve of those bastards. See, this is why America hates 85% of white people.
WADE: You know, it wasn't that much of a grueling shopping experience to get through. We got all the food we need to cook.
RK: Yeah, after more than a half an hour of arguing over what brand to get. I mean, does it really matter that we get the right cranberry sauce?
WADE: Of course we do. Some brands are made imprecisely. Ocean Spray is one of the only sensible choices.
RK: I'm just glad we didn't act so weird over the dessert. The piece de resistance, the coup de grace. The cream on top of the oven-roasted chestnuts.
RK takes out the chocolate cake with a Jesus figurine on top.
RK: Happy birthday Jesus. He looks so cute up there. All divine and whatnot.
KG: This cake is going to be the best cake Wade's parents ever ate.
At that point, Wade sneezes on the cake, causing RK and KG to scream.
RK: YOU HEATHEN! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!
WADE: I'm sorry, I forgot to cover my mouth.
KG: You forget to cover your mouth in front of Christ?!
WADE: Look, it's not a problem. We can clean it off, serve the cake, it will be fine.
RK: C-clean it...you've never been to church, have you? This is a faux pas of biblical proportions!
KG: He's right. We can't serve this cake with your DNA all over Jesus.
WADE: Fine, I'll repent later. What do we do now?
KG: Well, I guess it's as simple as just buying the cake again.
RK: What, so Lisa Zemo over here can have another crack at it? Forget it. Besides, this cake is selling out fast. By the time we go back there, it will be gone.
KG: So we're out of options then.
Beat.
WADE: We could always buy fruitcake.
At that point, RK tries lunging at Wade to attack him but KG holds him back.
KG: Easy, boy. Easy. Heel, boy. Heel. You want a Scooby Snack?
RK: I'M NOT A DOG! Hey, wait a minute. Dog. That's it! We can buy the Mrs. Fields cookie cake!
WADE: How did you get from Point A to Point B?
RK: Don't question my thought process. KG, remember for like, three years, we had that Christmas cake made entirely out of chocolate chip cookies?
KG: Yeah, RK. I was there, I know what you're talking about.
RK: That's the attitude we need! Let's go over to Mrs. Fields and pick up that cake!
WADE: You seem to remember a lot of Christmas desserts. You said it was a cookie cake?
RK: Yup. Wade, my boy, it was heaven. The chocolate chips, the design, the softness, the mountains of perfectly layered frosting. It was like having your feet rubbed by the Pillsbury Doughboy.
WADE: That actually sounds amazing.
KG: It does.
RK: What? You...you just said that...never mind. Anyway, that cake was like magic. I remember exactly what it looked like. We can go pick it up right now.
WADE: Eh, I don't know. I'm a little wiped out from our excursion today.
KG: Yeah, we could just do it tomorrow.
RK: You guys are the worst. Fine, we'll do it tomorrow.
SCENE 18
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Anja is doing homework when she hears the doorbell ring. She goes to the door, looks through the peephole, sighs, and opens the door to reveal Jaylynn dressed as Santa Claus while carrying a brown sack.
JAYLYNN: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, little girl!
Beat. Anja starts laughing and pounds her fist on the floor.
JAYLYNN: Little girl, is something bothering you?
ANJA: Jaylynn, are you serious? Where did you get that fat suit? And are you carrying an empty sack?
JAYLYNN: Little girl, Santa has a very busy schedule. And Jaylynn's a wonderful, smart, pretty girl.
ANJA: Oh, you're serious about this. Okay, my friend, I'll play along.
JAYLYNN: Come sit on old Santa's lap.
Jaylynn sits on the couch, and Anja sits on Jaylynn's lap.
JAYLYNN: Now, little girl, I'm looking through your files and you appear to be an Anja Saleh. You've been a very nice girl this year.
ANJA: Yes, I have. I feel like we should all be nice to each other.
JAYLYNN: That's wonderful. So tell me what you want for Christmas, Anja.
ANJA: I don't want anything.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: For a second there, it seemed like you said you didn't want anything. I can't interest you in a nice choo choo train or a little tea set?
ANJA: No, not really. I have no use for that stuff.
JAYLYNN: Well, those are very popular gifts back at my workshop. So Anja, tell me again what you want for Christmas.
ANJA: I don't want anything.
JAYLYNN: I'm not giving you a choice, you little crap, you better tell me right now what you want for frigging Christmas.
ANJA: I told you, Santa, I don't want anything.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Listen, you spoiled brat. You think it's easy being me? You think it's easy trying to live my life, delivering presents to stupid little kids that don't even appreciate it? And every year, they just ask for more. Plus, a wife! A skeptical bitch wife that accuses you of cheating on her everywhere you go! And reindeer that have to go through weekly dialysis treatments because they had too many cookies for 25 years! AND THAT DAMN COCA-COLA BEAR WHO HAD HIS HOUSE TAKEN AWAY BY THE IRS!
ANJA: Okay, stop, stop. Jaylynn, I have no idea what this accomplishes.
At that point, Jaylynn goes back to her regular voice.
JAYLYNN: Anja, could you at least pretend to embrace this? You're really making Santa look like an idiot.
ANJA: That's because this Santa is an idiot. Jaylynn, I told you I don't celebrate Christmas. There's nothing you can do for me to get you in the spirit.
JAYLYNN: But I at least have to try!
Anja pulls down Jaylynn's beard.
ANJA: Don't try so hard. You don't have to try at all.
Anja lets go of the beard and walks upstairs. Jaylynn sighs and carries the sack out of the house, then stops.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. There's nothing in here.
Jaylynn balls up the sack, tosses it to the side, then walks away from Anja's house.
SCENE 19
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Sparky and Buster are watching TV.
VOICEOVER: Welcome back to Inside the NBA on TNT.
BUSTER: I thought Inside the NBA was at night.
SPARKY: This must be a rerun.
Cut to the TV showing the Inside the NBA panel of Ernie Johnson, Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, and Shaquille O'Neal.
CHARLES BARKLEY: I just feel like, with all of these shootings in America, all these police shootings going on, black people have to come together and better ourselves. We have to do better. We can't act like thugs anymore. We have to...
KENNY SMITH: Wait, what do you mean by do better?
CHARLES BARKLEY: We have to stop making ourselves look like criminals and the police won't kill us.
KENNY SMITH: The police kill innocent black people every day. They're trained to kill, that's all they know.
SHAQ: Police are awesome. Why would they just shoot innocent black people?
KENNY SMITH: Because they do. That's what they know. All of these killings are not done because we need to better ourselves. They're done because the police know nothing else but racism.
ERNIE JOHNSON: Yeah, but racism doesn't exist anymore.
Beat.
KENNY SMITH: What?
ERNIE JOHNSON: Yeah, I mean, the cops are killing people and whatnot, but your people beat racism. Look around you, Kenny. I'm with a bunch of black people right now. That's not racism. What are you talking about?
SHAQ: Ernie, Kenny's on crack. He doesn't know what he's talking about.
CHARLES BARKLEY: Black people need to leave the police alone. They did nothing to deserve this.
KENNY SMITH: You know what? F*** you guys, I'm sick of your chicken shit. I'm going to go hang out with Randy Moss and Chris Webber.
Kenny flips off all three men with both of his middle fingers and leaves the set.
ERNIE JOHNSON: What a coon.
SPARKY: Now I know why Wade stopped watching this show.
BUSTER: Sparky, I can't take it. I've been stuck in this house for hours! I feel like some kind of person that's been in this structure for several years because they did something wrong, but I don't think that's real.
SPARKY: You're thinking of jail, Buster.
BUSTER: Well, whether or not RK took my peanut butter sandwich, we need to get out of here. Ike's is the perfect place for us to relax. According to the Schwartzman...
SPARKY: HERE'S WHAT I THINK ABOUT SCHWARTZMAN!
Sparky swipes the book from Buster's hand and opens the front door, then tosses it into the street. He then locks the door and sits back down.
BUSTER: You're a monster, you know that?
SPARKY: Look, we don't need to listen to some book for all of our problems. If we can last 24 hours in here with no bad luck, we're set.
BUSTER: But I'm thirsty! I need a drink!
SPARKY: I have juice in my fridge.
BUSTER: Oh, really?
Cut to Buster opening the refrigerator door and seeing half a carton of orange juice.
BUSTER: What the hell is this supposed to do? I can't drink this. I need more nourishment. Wait a minute. Doesn't Bitch Clock have a whole attic full of drinks?
A lightbulb appears above Buster's head.
BUSTER: Did someone turn a light on in here?
Buster walks past Sparky as he watches TV and starts going upstairs.
BUSTER: Sparky, I'm just going to head upstairs to check something out in the bathroom.
SPARKY: Okay.
BUSTER: Yeah, I'm not up to anything tasty in particular, so you don't have to worry about it.
SPARKY: I'm not.
BUSTER: Wonderful. How's the baby?
SPARKY: I'm ten.
BUSTER: Hey, getting started early. I like that attitude. Yeah, I'm just gonna mosey on up now.
Buster falls up the stairs, then shakes himself off as he continues walking.
SCENE 20
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and KG are watching TV that same afternoon.
KG: You know, RK, I think we should just go get the cake now.
RK: I thought you wanted to wait until tomorrow.
KG: Yeah, but it's Christmas Eve tomorrow. I don't want to be out there in the streets the day before Christmas. That's when Santa's doing his rounds. And if he catches you, he's going to whop you until you call your mama.
RK: KG, Santa's not real.
KG: You just can't let me have my fun, can you? Either way, I don't want to go tomorrow. You can let Wade know there's a change of plans.
RK: Well, I'm glad you finally came around.
RK takes out his phone and starts dialing when Wade comes through the door.
WADE: RK, where's my textbook?
RK: Your what book?
WADE: My history textbook? I lent it to you last week and you haven't returned it yet. I need that book back and I know you have it.
RK: Seriously, what book are you talking about?
WADE: RK!
RK: I'm sorry, but you just mentioned something boring and awful and depressing while I'm on vacation. It's like my brain is going through a cheese grater. Let me go find that...that, um...fishing manual. Ugh, my head.
RK slowly walks upstairs while Wade turns his attention to KG.
KG: Why do you want your book back so badly?
WADE: I have to study. History isn't just going to learn about itself.
KG: But you're not even in school.
WADE: Yeah, but Friday's history night. It's always been.
KG: You know, between you and Jaylynn's scumbag shit, I'm kinda glad I don't hang out with you guys often.
WADE: Wow, I really appreciate your honesty.
KG: By the way, we're buying the cake now.
WADE: What? On history night?! Are you on bath salts?!
KG: Yeah, and there's some LSD tucked away in my sock drawer. Look, I don't want to be out there in the streets on Christmas Eve. Santa's watching.
WADE: KG, Santa's not...
KG: LET ME HAVE MY FUN!
RK comes back downstairs and hands Wade his book.
RK: Ow, my brain! Here's that video game all the kids have been talking about, Paddy. That's Paddy with two D's, not two T's like you might be thinking.
WADE: I feel like sometimes, you just say whatever's in your head and don't filter it out before you say it. Alright, guys, let's go get that cake so I can get on with history night.
KG: It's not even 4:00 yet.
WADE: I have to make sure I'm prepared for it.
SCENE 21
The Jennings Household
Exterior Driveway
Seattle, Washington
KG's car backs away from the curb and drives off. Cut to the boys inside the car.
RK: Okay, so Mrs. Fields isn't that far from here. We should be there in no time.
KG: Hey, you guys want to hear some dope shit on the radio?
RK: The radio? Isn't that for old Waylon Jennings fans about to croak?
WADE: Yeah, I don't know anybody that still uses it.
KG: Ah, you millennials will never know the good stuff until you find it.
RK: Hey, that was a joke. I use the radio...at certain times of the day.
("Side to Side" by Ariana Grande featuring Nicki Minaj plays on the radio)
RK: Shit, I actually like this song.
WADE: Me too.
KG: I can't lie, this actually goes pretty hard.
Beat.
(singing the hook to "Side by Side") RK, WADE, AND KG: I've been here all night, I've been here all daaaaaaay, and boyyyyyyyy, you've got me walkin' side to side.
NICKI MINAJ: This the new style with the fresh type of flow. Wrist icicle, ride dick bicycle. Come true yo...
RK: What the hell did she just say?!
WADE: I don't think it deserves repeating.
KG: I thought you guys knew Nicki was on the song.
RK: I only know the hook!
WADE: Yeah, I thought this was a remix.
KG: You know what? Why don't I switch to something a little more kid-friendly?
RK: Great idea.
WADE: Our society doesn't need that kind of language in our music.
("Party Up (Up in Here)" by DMX starts playing on another radio station; RK, Wade, and KG look at each other briefly)
RK, WADE, AND KG: YEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
The car drives off out of view as "Party Up" continues playing in the background.
SCENE 22
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky whistles "8 Days of Christmas" by Destiny's Child as he watches TV. He then stops and scratches his head.
SPARKY: Boy, Buster's been in the bathroom for a while now. I should probably check on him.
Cut to Sparky walking towards the bathroom door and knocking on it.
SPARKY: Buster? You okay in there? I'm a little worried. You said you were going to check something out and you never came back. Buddy?
Sparky takes a deep breath and opens the door while covering his eyes with his hand.
SPARKY: Okay, Buster, you don't have to be scared. I'm walking in here with my eyes closed. Everything is A-OK on my end, how about yours?
Sparky hears nothing and removes his hand. He sees that the bathroom is empty.
SPARKY: Oh no, Buster's gone! I hope he's not mad at me for throwing away his book.
Sparky then starts hearing a loud, thumping noise.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. That sounds like it's coming from the attic.
Sparky pulls down the attached ladder to get to the attic and starts hearing "Peaches & Cream" by 112. He stops momentarily.
SPARKY: Okay, this is getting freaky.
Sparky enters the attic and gasps when he sees a drunk, shirtless Buster dancing to "Peaches & Cream" while holding a bottle of Heineken.
BUSTER: Yeah, let's go!
Sparky sighs and turns off the song playing on Buster's phone.
BUSTER: Hey, who's that? Jaylynn, stop playing around before I show you the hands. Buster don't get down like that, sis.
SPARKY: Buster, it's me.
BUSTER: RK? Oh, shit, it's Sparky. Sparko, my Sparky boy. Sparka Plagaaaaaaaa! You know, Sparky Tonky Man, I was listening to that song...about the peaches and the creams and shit. I don't, I, I don't think it's really about that. There's more to the story, methinks.
Buster starts drinking more Heineken when Sparky takes it away from him.
BUSTER: Hey, Swiper no swipey!
SPARKY: Buster, what the hell are you thinking?! Going into Bitch Clock's booze cave, drinking and dancing like it's a Vegas nightclub?! You're lucky you're not dead yet.
BUSTER: Congratulations, Eddie Guerrero. You are the number two contender at No Way Out.
SPARKY: That's it. I'm taking you out of here before you kill more brain cells.
Sparky starts pulling Buster out of the attic.
BUSTER: No, you big fat meanie, I'm sp-sp-sp-staying here.
SPARKY: Buster, you're nine years old and you're drunk. You don't see a problem with that?
BUSTER: Hey, I came here for some good-ass drinks because you ain't got none. But this juice got some hold on me, it's real strong. I feel free. I feel alive. I feel like that bad luck is nothing.
SPARKY: Look, you can't just...wait. Did you say the bad luck is nothing.
BUSTER: Wait, who are you? Are you the bad guy?
SPARKY: I'm Sparky! What did you mean with this bad luck is nothing thing?
BUSTER: Oh, I think I meant that the whole curse? I don't give a shit about that shit, bro. Who cares? You gotta live your life, maaaaaan. I got millions of thugs on salary!
SPARKY: Wait a minute. The alcohol made Buster looser, which made him forget all about the cookie curse and have some fun.
Sparky looks at one of the bottles and takes them out of their case.
SPARKY: Hmmm. Jagermeister. I wonder what this tastes like.
Sparky opens the bottle and smells it.
SPARKY: Ugh. What in the world is Bitch Clock thinking when he drinks this?
Sparky sees Buster constantly flexing his muscles and shrugs. He then starts drinking the bottle, struggling to keep it down.
SCENE 23
Mrs. Fields
Interior Checkout Line
Seattle, Washington
RK, Wade, and KG are at the cash register.
RK: Hello there, ma'am. We would like one large chocolate chip cookie Christmas cake. You know, the one that says "Happy Holidays" on it?
CASHIER: Okay. You can pay for it when it's ready in two hours.
RK: Okay, and make sure they pile on the frosting. Wouldn't be a cookie cake without it.
KG: Wait a minute. Did she just say it will be ready in two hours?
WADE: RK, what's the meaning of this?
RK: Oh yeah, I forgot. You have to order it in advance if you want to pick it up on the spot. Lots of little intricacies that go into a cake like this.
WADE: RK, I didn't sign up for this. History night?
RK: Cool your jets, man. And anyway, this is all KG's fault.
KG: My fault?!
RK: Yeah, your fault. I mean, pffft, as the adult of the trio here, I feel like you should take responsibility for what you did.
KG: I'll take responsibility for kicking your ass in a public place.
RK: That's not a good look for a legal guardian.
WADE: You know what? Whatever. Let's just go home and come back when the cake is ready.
KG: Sounds like a good idea.
RK: Or...
KG: Or what?
RK: We could spend the next two hours doing some exploring of Seattle.
WADE: Exploring what? We see things in Seattle every day.
RK: Not the way RK Jennings does it.
SCENE 24
("Player's Ball" by OutKast plays in the background)
RK, KG, and Wade ride a roller coaster, eat hot dogs, and use a photo booth to pass the time. They then play games like whack-a-mole, the ring toss, and knock the bottles over with a baseball. They all leave with souvenir hats, giant monkeys, and cotton candy. They then order from Dairy Queen and start laughing loudly while they eat and everyone else stares at them confusingly. In between, there are shots of the trio performing "Player's Ball" in the woods. At the end of the montage, RK, Wade, and KG leave Dairy Queen and the song fades out.
RK: Hey, weren't we supposed to be doing something?
KG: I forgot, honestly.
WADE: The cookie cake!
RK: No, that doesn't sound right. I think it had something to do with Betty Crocker.
KG: How much time did we kill?
WADE: About an hour and 45 minutes?
RK: See. I told you guys it would work out.
WADE: But we still have 15 minutes left.
RK: Okay, let's go pick up something at Nathan's.
KG: I'm not really into Nathan's.
RK: Would you rather pick up something at Subway?
Beat.
KG: Guys, let's go to Nathan's.
SCENE 25
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
At night, Jaylynn is watching TV when Lynne walks in.
LYNNE: Is it your purpose in life to be an idiot or something?
JAYLYNN: I don't know. Is it your purpose in life to annoy the hell out of me every chance you get?
LYNNE: Look, Jaylynn, I know it's really hard for you to understand things beyond your little bubble, but Anja's Muslim. I'm Muslim. We don't celebrate Christmas. It's not part of our religion. Stop forcing her to do something she doesn't want to!
JAYLYNN: I already gave up. And how did you even find out about it anyway?
LYNNE: Anja told me everything that happened.
JAYLYNN: Well, that explains it.
LYNNE: Is it really that hard for you to respect someone's beliefs? Even for you, this is disgusting.
JAYLYNN: Listen, asshole, I do respect Islam. If I didn't, I wouldn't hang out with Anja and you would have had your hijab snatched off months ago. But I just wanted to share Christmas with her. My mother died around this time, my father's almost 2,000 miles away not giving a shit about me. I don't have anyone but Anja.
LYNNE: So the guys just up and disappeared?
JAYLYNN: I don't know. Last time I called Buster, I heard "Peaches & Cream" in the background. Look, I love Anja and I just wanted someone to spend the holidays with. Even you can understand that.
LYNNE: I actually can. But it's like my sister said, you don't have to try so hard. If you wanna kick it with Anja, just say so. She's not going to do anything to you. Otherwise, you're just going to look like an even bigger idiot than you usually do.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: I'll try that. By the way, Lynne, I always wanted to try something else too.
LYNNE: What?
Cut to the outside of Jaylynn's house. Lynne screams as she gets thrown out of the house onto the ground.
SCENE 26
The MacDougal Household
Interior Attic
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are laid out on the floor as empty bottles surround them. They have dazed looks in their eyes.
SPARKY: You know, Buster, I have, like...about eight toes on my toes. And I can't tell anyone because anyone won't get it.
BUSTER: What about that smoking hot babe you're with? She, she-she won't get it?
SPARKY: Halley? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw, dude. She won't get it. You get it because you get it. That's what I love about certain white people. They see things in ways that white people won't see things.
BUSTER: Geoffrey, will you make me a sandwich?
SPARKY: No.
Sparky and Buster start cackling at that point when Bitch Clock walks in.
BITCH CLOCK: WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON HERE?! MY DRINKS! EVERYTHING'S GONE! Oh, wait, I still have other drinks. Lots of them, actually. BUT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING IN HERE?!
SPARKY: Yo, Buster, check it out. It's Mr. Magoo.
BUSTER: Holy chalupas, it is Mr. Magoo! Mr. Magoo, did you beat that sexual harassment case yet?
The camera cuts to a disinterested look on Bitch Clock's face.
SCENE 27
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock is staring down Sparky and Buster as they sit on the couch with ice packs on their heads.
BUSTER: Ugh, my head feels like it's been hit by an airplane.
SPARKY: You could say that again. Bitch Clock, what were you thinking tossing us in the shower like that?
BUSTER: Yeah, we could have gotten seriously hurt.
BITCH CLOCK: What was I thinking?! WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Oh yeah, right, you can't yell at people coming up from hangovers. I was trying to help you guys get your heads on straight. What were you doing drinking like that anyway?
BUSTER: I was thirsty and I knew you had a whole attic full of drinks. I just didn't know that there was a "No Kids Allowed" warning label on the door.
BITCH CLOCK: I never put a warning label on the door.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, you should really consider it, it would save you the trouble. And that alcohol was a miracle worker. I stopped thinking about all that bad luck when I was drunk.
SPARKY: Me too. For the first time in more than a couple hours, I actually felt like my old self again.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, until you guys are old enough, you can't use drinking to escape the harsh realities of life. And there was, is, and never will be a freaking cookie curse. You two just fell for the hype like everyone else.
SPARKY: But you said it yourself. Our hubris was going to be our downfall, and it was.
BITCH CLOCK: You know better than to listen to me when I take a few days off drinking. And I was just teasing you. I thought you were going to be smart enough to know you make your own luck in this world. I mean, that's what your parents taught you, right?
BUSTER: Hey, don't you ever talk about his mommy and daddy like that again!
BITCH CLOCK: Dude, that's not how I meant it.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, don't sound so hostile next time when you talk.
SPARKY: Oh man. Buster, Bitch Clock's right. What are we doing? I mean, I was the one that wanted to prove the curse wasn't real but I got caught up in it like everyone else did. We can't stop the world from bringing us bad luck. It happens to everyone. And no amount of staying locked inside or drinking or Schwartzman is going to change that.
BUSTER: So what do we do now?
SPARKY: Well, the 24 hours are almost up. It's time for us to stop being scared and face the world like we always do.
BUSTER: Wait a minute. We're going to make guest appearances on Face the Nation?!
BITCH CLOCK: How drunk are you?
BUSTER: It's like, half and half. I drank more than Sparky did. But you're right, Sparky. We need to deal with this curse once and for all. Let's do it.
SPARKY: That's what I'm talking about. Thanks for the pep talk, Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Any time, boys. Be careful out there. And whatever you do, don't drive! Or at least let Buster drive!
Sparky and Buster leave at that point.
BITCH CLOCK: What the hell is a Schwartzman?
SCENE 28
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster sit on the bench outside Ike's that night as they watch the cars go by.
SPARKY: Man, the city just feels different when Christmas comes around. It's like magic.
BUSTER: I know, right? Hey, when are your parents coming to town?
SPARKY: Tomorrow afternoon.
BUSTER: Mine too! I can't wait to see my mom and pops again.
SPARKY: You call your dad pops?
BUSTER: Of course. I love people who use that word for their fathers. I also say pop, pa, daddy-o. I tried using pappy once, but that never worked out.
Sparky looks up and sees Jaylynn's car at a stoplight.
SPARKY: Hey, Buster, look! It's Jaylynn's Nissan! Maybe she'll see us and we can hang with her for the night.
BUSTER: Jaylynn? Are you sure?
SPARKY: Yeah. What are you looking at?
From Buster's point of view, he sees the Hess Express.
BUSTER: Shut. The. Front. Door. WE'RE SAVED, SPARKO!
SPARKY: Saved? What are you talking about?
BUSTER: Think about it. Every holiday season, what's the one thing that brings joy and excitement to kids everywhere?
SPARKY: Extra pancakes at IHOP?
BUSTER: No, man. The Hess truck! Every year, they sell Hess trucks to kids. It's the perfect pick-me-up. The curse is over! The Hess Express is here to spread the holiday cheer!
Buster runs onto the street and stretches out his arms.
BUSTER: Come bless us with your Christmas magic, Hess Express! We welcome you!
Sparky watches the light become green and Jaylynn's car driving towards Buster. He panics as he pulls Buster out of the street before a screaming Jaylynn can hit him. She immediately parks in front of Ike's and gets out of the car.
SPARKY: Buster, you were this close to killing yourself!
BUSTER: But the Hess Express is nonviolent.
JAYLYNN: Buster, what the hell were you thinking going out in traffic like that?
BUSTER: That the Hess truck was going to bless me and Sparky with its Christmas magic?
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Is he delirious?
SPARKY: A little bit. We had too much to drink.
JAYLYNN: Too much to what?!
SPARKY: Long story short, we tried beating the Christmas curse, we forgot about it with the alcohol, Bitch Clock set us straight, and now here we are.
JAYLYNN: Oh.
SPARKY: So what are you up to tonight?
JAYLYNN: I was just going over to Anja's and apologize for being a dumbass.
BUSTER: What did you do?
JAYLYNN: Long story short, Muslims don't celebrate Christmas. You could fill in the rest.
SPARKY: Oh, okay. Can we go with you?
JAYLYNN: Sure. But is this kid going to be okay?
SPARKY: Sure. Buster's a fighter. Aren't you, buddy?
BUSTER: The world is changing around me and I'm scared.
SCENE 29
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade's parents are watching TV.
GERALD: So are we going to watch Charlie Brown or what?
MELISSA: Honey, we're watching it now. God, I really hope our boys are okay.
MRS. SALTALAMACCHIA: I'm sure they're fine. I just don't want Wade to get into any trouble.
MELISSA: Are you saying that my kids are troublemakers and a bad influence?
MRS. SALTALAMACCHIA: What? No. I never accused you of anything. You have wonderful children.
MELISSA: Oh. I'm sorry, Janice, I just get really defensive about my sons sometimes.
GERALD: Guys, will you be quiet? This is the best part of the episode.
MR. SALTALAMACCHIA: Gerald, you moron, it's on commercial. Nothing's happening.
GERALD: That's the best part. They're going to show that ad about the snowman turning into Campbell's soup. It's a classic!
MR. SALTALAMACCHIA: But that's not even the...
MELISSA: You don't want to argue with him about that advertisement. Just let him have this one.
MR. SALTALAMACCHIA: There's not enough eggnog in the world that can make this night go by quicker.
Cut to KG's car arriving at the house. All three boys walk out at the same time.
RK: Okay, so who's getting the cake?
WADE: I guess I will.
Wade opens the trunk and takes out the cookie cake.
KG: Hey, hey, what do you think you're doing?
WADE: Carrying the cookie cake.
KG: Not like that, you're not. Here, let me help you.
WADE: I don't need your help.
KG: You sure as hell do. Just allow me, I shall assist you.
WADE: I don't need your assistance!
RK: Um, gents, you might want to stop with the fighting before something gets hurt.
WADE: I can carry the cake myself.
KG: You're not old enough, your arms aren't broad enough.
WADE: Look, would you please just let go?
KG: Alright, it's your funeral.
WADE: Thank you.
Wade walks towards a patch of ice and ends up slipping, causing the cake to fall out of the box and onto the snow.
RK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THE CAKE!
RK runs towards the cake and tries to put it back in the box.
RK: I need to wipe the snow off. Clean this shit off or something.
KG: RK?
RK: Come on, man, breathe! Don't die on me, bro!
KG: RK?
RK: SOMEBODY'S GOTTA DO SOMETHING!
KG: RK, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO!
RK: I'M NOT GOING TO SIT AROUND KNOWING I DID NOTHING!
KG: You did what you could. It's over.
RK: I just wanted this Christmas dinner to mean something.
KG: And it will mean something, with or without that cake. We just have to take the L.
RK: I guess so.
WADE: Guys, I'm really sorry for this.
KG: We know you are. We're just going to have to deal with this.
("Heard 'Em Say" starts playing in the background again)
ED ASNER: At the end of the day, things didn't turn out the way they were supposed to for the kids. But they got through it and that's all that really matters. RK, Wade, and KG helped their parents make dinner.
Cut to RK and KG laughing with their parents while they toss Wade some vegetables to chop.
ED ASNER: Jaylynn was able to spend Christmas with Anja, with no pressure involved. But Lynne had to show up too.
Cut to Jaylynn, Anja, and Lynne watching Rudolph on TV and Anja imagining her, Jaylynn, and Lynne in a Rankin and Bass-animated world. They meet Rudolph and then get approached by Santa who then offers them pancakes from Denny's. Anja then tries to keep Jaylynn from choking Lynne, and it is then revealed that Jaylynn and Anja are imagining the exact same world.
ED ASNER: And Sparky and Buster realized that there was no reason for them to be afraid of what might happen, because part of living in the world is dealing with unfortunate events.
At a Christmas party at Sparky's house, Sparky gives Halley her present, which is a gold necklace with the initial "H" on it. The others then pose for a picture near Sparky's Christmas tree. Meanwhile, a drunk Bitch Clock is laughing with Sparky and Buster's parents in the kitchen, then vomits on the floor out of sight from the camera. The scene then fades into Ed Asner standing near Sparky's house.
ED ASNER: What it all comes down to is love. The holidays aren't about making sure everything is perfect. It's about spending time with the people who care about you, and reflecting on everything you've done over the past year. As long as you're with friends and family, nothing else matters. Happy holidays from Thank You, Heavenly.
Sparky is shown looking at Ed through the front door.
SPARKY: Pardon me, sir, are you okay? You've been standing out here for a while now.
ED ASNER: Oh shit, they know I'm here! STOP THE CAMERAS, CALL ME A DAMN CAB!
Ed runs away from the house and ends up slipping on a patch of ice. Sparky shakes his head and closes the door. Fade to black.
("Christmas in Hollis" by Run-D.M.C. plays in the end credits)
©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY HOLIDAYS