In Memory
This story is dedicated to a friend of mine, who recently experienced the loss of someone she loved. She was the inspiration of this story, and I hope that one day she will see that all the people who keep telling her it was her fault – they are so wrong. I love you R.
Losing someone you love is the hardest thing that can ever happen to you. Not only have they gone, left you, but the world looks at you in a different way. When your boyfriend kills himself, people tend to blame it on you. And after a while, all the reasons why it is all your fault, they start making sense.
When Draco died, it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. One minute I was living my life normally, almost happy for once, and then – wham – everything is over, and all I can feel is pain. Pain that, unlike a punch in the gut, never seems to fade away.
I remember being terrified, and then sad, and scared and guilty and angry and then, simply nothing. Empty and hollow, with a massive space that needed to be filled. In all honestly, that was the worst time, the time where I was most alone.
A year ago, Draco and I moved into our apartment. That was the best time, we were in love and nothing else mattered. He was my world, and I was his. But after a while, that seemed to fade. Somehow the world managed to creep in at the edges and ruin our perfect moments until nothing else was left.
Right before the end, I knew that Draco was bad. He wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't even look me in the eyes. I used to lie there at night, watching him sleep, knowing how the guilt for what he had once done was consuming him, destroying him from the inside out.
That feeling, the way I just felt so utterly helpless, it still haunts me. I have nightmares almost every night, and when I wake up, that is how I feel.
Sometimes I get in one of those moods, where I blame myself for everything, but for some reason those are never the moods that I dread. The worst ones are the ones where I blame him, where I just sit there and cry, wondering what on earth I did to make his stop loving him, to make him not care.
In the end, that it what it comes down too. And it is also the reason that I am still alive. Because whenever I feel that awful, like living is not worth it any more, all I have to do is think about how I felt when Draco died. I would never wish that anyone I loved would have too feel that pain.
So if Draco did love me…
…I guess he didn't love me enough.
I hope you liked it.
This story is very close to my heart, so please be kind. Also, this is a one shot for the time being but maybe in the future I can expand on the story :).
Xxx
Ei