I remember the day that I left San Antonio like it was yesterday. I had finished training, and I was ready to leave all the memories behind. There were things, and people in San Antonio that were painful to think about, and now, one of those people stood before me.
" Brian." He said, it was almost like a whisper, but I could hear it as if he had screamed it at the top of his lungs.
" Shawn." I said, just staring at him. He hadn't changed much since I had last seen him; he still was as gorgeous as ever.
" You look very well Brian. You've taken good care of yourself." He said. I felt myself become totally self aware as his eyes passed over me. I stuck my hands in my pockets and looked at my feet.
" Thanks. You look good too. How old is Cameron now?" I ask. My twinge with pain as I think about his family. The only reason I couldn't be with him.
" He's great, he's seven, starting school, playing tee ball." He says. I look up and see him smiling. He's got a twinkle in his eyes, and I can tell that he's very proud of Cameron. He's got every reason to be, he's helped to raise a great kid.
" That's good. Um, well, I've got to go talk to Matt. I'll talk to you later I guess." I said. I didn't know whether I wanted to rape him, run crying or kill him for breaking my heart.
" Yeah. Hey, Brian, before you leave I just want to say I'm sorry for everything. That was a very tough decision to make. I hope you understand. I didn't get to explain that night in San Antonio." He said. Yep, now I was going to cry.
" It's okay. I understand." I said. " I'll see you later." I turn and walk away, heading towards the locker rooms as quickly as I can without sprinting.
I find an empty room and go in. I sit on the bench and I start to cry. It pisses me off that I do this to myself. In the back of my mind I always have this dream that I used to have running over and over. The one where Shawn runs up to me, throws his arms around me and kisses me like there's no tomorrow. He then tells me that he's always loved me and divorced Rebecca and he's taking Cameron and we're all going to be a family. Then I wake up, alone in some cold hotel room somewhere and realize that it was all just a dream that's never going to come true. I sit there for a little while longer until there's a knock on the door. I get up and walk over to one of the sinks and splash some water on my face as I tell the person to come in.
" Mi amor, I didn't know you were here already. Are you okay?" I looked up as I saw Rey cross the room. I didn't want him to see me like this.
" Yeah, I'm okay. Just nervous." I said. I hated lying to Rey, even though he did know the whole situation, thanks to a bottle of Jack Daniels.
" No, you saw Shawn. Deseo que yo lo pueda matar." I heard him say. I looked at him confused.
" What did you just say?" I asked.
" Nothing, nothing. You should really stop doing this to yourself B." he said as he walked over to the bench and sat down, pulling me with him.
" I can't help it. I've only got to face him once a month. Maybe I can figure out some way to avoid him. It shouldn't be that hard." I said. Rey shook his head at me and took my hand.
" No, you shouldn't have to avoid him. He let you down. If anyone should want to hide it should be him. He knows the pain he caused you. If I were him, I would want to crawl in a hole and die." He said. I knew he meant every word he said, but I didn't see it that way.
" It just still hurts Rey. I know it shouldn't after two years, but it does." I said. Rey put his arm around me and pulled me close.
" I know it does mi amor, but you just have to learn that some of it won't ever go away." He said. I put my head on his shoulder and smiled.
" I don't know what I'd do without you Rey."
" I don't know either." Rey said laughing. I chuckled and picked my head up.
" You wanna go get something to eat with me?" I asked.
" Sure....why not." Rey said, still smiling. " Let's go."
We got up and walked to the catering room. I felt a little better knowing Rey would be there for me. I just hoped that I could be there for him sometime.
(author's note - Hello, it's been a while. My muses all collectively threw a brick at me to write this, so here it is. The next chapter I'm thinking is going to be a flashback to cover any confusion there may have been with this chapter. oh, by the way... Deseo que yo lo pueda matar means 'I wish I could kill him' or that's at least what I got when I put that English phrase into the translator. Mi Amor is my love. I'm not sure if I'm doing this right, I've never written slash before. Please don't crucify me. ttfn Heather)
" Brian." He said, it was almost like a whisper, but I could hear it as if he had screamed it at the top of his lungs.
" Shawn." I said, just staring at him. He hadn't changed much since I had last seen him; he still was as gorgeous as ever.
" You look very well Brian. You've taken good care of yourself." He said. I felt myself become totally self aware as his eyes passed over me. I stuck my hands in my pockets and looked at my feet.
" Thanks. You look good too. How old is Cameron now?" I ask. My twinge with pain as I think about his family. The only reason I couldn't be with him.
" He's great, he's seven, starting school, playing tee ball." He says. I look up and see him smiling. He's got a twinkle in his eyes, and I can tell that he's very proud of Cameron. He's got every reason to be, he's helped to raise a great kid.
" That's good. Um, well, I've got to go talk to Matt. I'll talk to you later I guess." I said. I didn't know whether I wanted to rape him, run crying or kill him for breaking my heart.
" Yeah. Hey, Brian, before you leave I just want to say I'm sorry for everything. That was a very tough decision to make. I hope you understand. I didn't get to explain that night in San Antonio." He said. Yep, now I was going to cry.
" It's okay. I understand." I said. " I'll see you later." I turn and walk away, heading towards the locker rooms as quickly as I can without sprinting.
I find an empty room and go in. I sit on the bench and I start to cry. It pisses me off that I do this to myself. In the back of my mind I always have this dream that I used to have running over and over. The one where Shawn runs up to me, throws his arms around me and kisses me like there's no tomorrow. He then tells me that he's always loved me and divorced Rebecca and he's taking Cameron and we're all going to be a family. Then I wake up, alone in some cold hotel room somewhere and realize that it was all just a dream that's never going to come true. I sit there for a little while longer until there's a knock on the door. I get up and walk over to one of the sinks and splash some water on my face as I tell the person to come in.
" Mi amor, I didn't know you were here already. Are you okay?" I looked up as I saw Rey cross the room. I didn't want him to see me like this.
" Yeah, I'm okay. Just nervous." I said. I hated lying to Rey, even though he did know the whole situation, thanks to a bottle of Jack Daniels.
" No, you saw Shawn. Deseo que yo lo pueda matar." I heard him say. I looked at him confused.
" What did you just say?" I asked.
" Nothing, nothing. You should really stop doing this to yourself B." he said as he walked over to the bench and sat down, pulling me with him.
" I can't help it. I've only got to face him once a month. Maybe I can figure out some way to avoid him. It shouldn't be that hard." I said. Rey shook his head at me and took my hand.
" No, you shouldn't have to avoid him. He let you down. If anyone should want to hide it should be him. He knows the pain he caused you. If I were him, I would want to crawl in a hole and die." He said. I knew he meant every word he said, but I didn't see it that way.
" It just still hurts Rey. I know it shouldn't after two years, but it does." I said. Rey put his arm around me and pulled me close.
" I know it does mi amor, but you just have to learn that some of it won't ever go away." He said. I put my head on his shoulder and smiled.
" I don't know what I'd do without you Rey."
" I don't know either." Rey said laughing. I chuckled and picked my head up.
" You wanna go get something to eat with me?" I asked.
" Sure....why not." Rey said, still smiling. " Let's go."
We got up and walked to the catering room. I felt a little better knowing Rey would be there for me. I just hoped that I could be there for him sometime.
(author's note - Hello, it's been a while. My muses all collectively threw a brick at me to write this, so here it is. The next chapter I'm thinking is going to be a flashback to cover any confusion there may have been with this chapter. oh, by the way... Deseo que yo lo pueda matar means 'I wish I could kill him' or that's at least what I got when I put that English phrase into the translator. Mi Amor is my love. I'm not sure if I'm doing this right, I've never written slash before. Please don't crucify me. ttfn Heather)