1. Bitter truth
I don't know exactly when it was that I started to fall in love with him. But I remember the exact day I realised when it hit me with a thud of clarity.
Alistair and Light had taken Zevran and Oghren to Denerium, continuing the search for Andraste's ashes. I was in camp with Wynne, Sten Leliana and Light's hound, Jett. It was not a talkative group and the majority of the night the only sound was Jett's paws padding around the camp and occasionally Leliana and Wynne's quiet mumblings. I rolled my eyes at the two of them, so full of goody-two-shoe-ness. I could barely stand to look at Leliana half the time, everything about her just irritated me so much. It was strange but I found myself craving the company of Light again. She wasn't a super talkative person either, but she treated me like an equal, a true companion and because of this I had begun to respect her, even like her much to my own dismay. Whenever I thought of Light it was hard to not think of Alistair. They were always together these days, Alistair was like a loyal puppy following her around, and she occasionally betrayed a coy smile that told me she didn't mind. For a reason I was yet to discover watching them together made me angry. I assumed to begin with the anger stemmed from the fact that I thought love as a whole was entirely useless and futile, and that they were kidding themselves if they thought it would lead to anything but despair and torment in the long term. I chalked it up to this and nothing deeper for quite a while, although I had to concede to myself that I was more then a little surprised at exactly how angry it made me. Normally I would be annoyed, or get frustrated with people who I thought were being silly and letting emotions get the best of them, but it would be a passing thought and nothing more. The anger I felt towards the two wardens seemed to linger, growing in the pit of my stomach, leeching into my own thoughts until I was the silly human reacting to my own emotions. It wasn't until later the next day when the others returned when I would finally be forced to acknowledge my own feelings.
Light and the others were on their way from Denerium to some unknown town to continue the search. Denerium had been more eventful then they had expected, and Alistair was wearing impressive new drakeskin armour. He and the others walked toward the fire, talking quietly. I couldn't hear what they were saying being tucked away in my separate little side camp – but unconsciously my eyes were lingering on his form. Shocked at myself I shook my head to remove the images my brain was beginning to store. Slowly my mind was trying to introduce my consciousness to what my subconscious already knew, but I couldn't possibly… It was ludicrous! Alistair represented so many things about the human world I despised – the supposed need for organisation; the 'save everyone' mentality, honour, nobility…useless traits all of them. Yet… something was drawing my thoughts to him again, tugging at my mind to remind me. He had sympathy, compassion an overwhelming honesty, despite his difficulty upbringing. I had none of these things; I wasn't sure I wanted them exactly, but I did want something. Something was missing - being around people other then my mother had made that all the more clear. I still felt on the outside looking in, and regardless of myself I knew a part of me admired him, his ease of conversation with everyone, his ability to sympathise with almost anyone, no matter how weak, or what form of creature they were. And why didn't he look at me the same way other men did? I was used to be leered at and assumed it was impossible for them not to admire me when I was wearing my revealing robes. It made it all the more obvious that he wasn't interested. Instead he was totally unaffected by it. It was so strange, he had made me start to question things about myself I thought were solid as stone. Maybe that was part of the reason I gave him such a ribbing all the time, a form of backlash against the questions he made me face in myself. Well, that and I enjoyed the fiery banter we exchanged, and being able to get under his skin was a thrill. I was smiling at myself when I noticed Light approaching my little side camp - coming over to check in with me as she did almost every night we were at camp. As I saw her approach I kept Alistair in the corner of my eye in the distance behind her. I could see him watching her walk over to me. He was sitting alone not realising anyone was watching him, the expression on his face as he looked at her mixed with obvious desire and giddy infatuation.
'Why her!' I thought angrily to myself. Then I froze.
What was that? Was I ….jealous? of Light? I was still reeling from shock when I realised light was standing before me, waiting for me to respond to whatever it was she had just asked. I focused my gaze on her. "What?" I spat. A bit abrupt but I wasn't in the mood to deal with light right now. She was taken aback for a second, but continued on.
"I said I hoped you didn't mind being left behind with Leliana and Wynne. I know they aren't you favourite people…"
I glowered at her silently. I was sick with envy towards the mage now and reason and logic were surrendering to stronger emotions I hadn't ever experienced before. She raised an eyebrow, patiently waiting, watching me. I turned my gaze away, looking past her.
"You know, you don't have to baby-sit me Light - I can handle myself in camp without your holy presence." I couldn't help the venom in my words. I didn't want to be around her right now. I wished her gone completely from my world in that moment.
She was taken aback. "Morrigan what's wrong? Are you okay" nothing but concern on her face, despite my anger.
"I don't have time to pander to your every whim Light. I simply desire to be alone, kindly leave me be." It wasn't entirely true. I wanted to be alone with someone but I knew they didn't want the same. I was still in utter shock from the realisation of it all that I was having trouble keeping these strange new feelings under control… my eyes started to sting, my throat was tightening with the stress of holding the despair in. I needed her to leave urgently.
"Whatever. Have it your way." She finally left, obviously irritated with me. And rightly so. I was lashing out at her, when the person I was angry with was myself. I felt ashamed, mortified and embarrassed. This was totally foolish and made no sense. How did this come to pass that I actually wanted him. And knowing that he was dedicated solely to her only compounded the anger and frustration. I quickly ducked inside my tent and started to analyse these new emotions. I had experienced lust before so I knew what that was. But this was more then lust, I suppose it could only be described as…what, a crush? It felt so strong though surely that was too frivolous a word to be accurate. Infatuation? No. I knew what it was. I cursed myself as I felt the tears begin to sting behind my eyes, and realised the future torment I was going to have to endure as I accepted it.. This was love. Painful, unrequited, disastrous love.