A/N: First Finished Jade/Cat fic. Hundredth attempt at a Jade/Cat fic. Oh, and this is a Jade/Cat fic, even though there is some Jade/Beck stuff…
also! part of me would like to write more of this, part of me wouldn't. if there is any interest in more, please let me know, because that may sway me.
It's one thing to think something. It is another entirely to act on it. Then again, it is also one thing entirely to subconsciously think something and an entirely different thing to recognize and acknowledge something. It was these thoughts that Jade had become very aware of in the last few weeks.
It had started with the arrival of Tori Vega, who had, indirectly, cracked open Jade's eyes to an entirely different way of looking at... as certain group of people. When Tori had first arrived at Hollywood Arts with her perfect hair and skin, it had only been a matter of time before Beck had began noticing girls other that Jade. This turn of events had thrown Jade as it had been her an Beck for as long as she wanted to remember. The two of them always side by side, the two of them always there for the other not matter the time of day. He was the first person that Jade had really been able to become attached to. He was kind, easy, reliable. But now, with Tori suddenly thrown into the picture, Beck was changing. He no longer had eyes for only Jade, and that was something that Jade couldn't stand. Then there was Tori herself, someone that you just couldn't bring yourself to fully despise. Not like Jade would like to be able to anyways. Tori was just too… nice.
And eventually it simmered down. Beck and Tori still had something going on, but it had shifted to the back burner, and Jade found that she could pretend it wasn't happening. If she focused hard enough on something else. The only problem was, the other things she had to focus on where few and far between. Few, far between and really, really hard to think about, if the implications of these thoughts went along with them.
So Jade didn't really think about red hair and long legs. No, not at all. She just… envisioned them, letting the images and memories of an overly happy red haired girl overpower any thoughts of how Beck clearly wanted Tori. She saw, and she looked, but she never, ever, ever thought. Because if she thought? Well, if she thought, she would have to admit to herself just how much she wanted to touch. To touch and feel and grope. Not just look. Touching, however, was out of the question. Touching was not for her, because she had Beck, and she was perfectly happy with Beck.
Or, she had been.
Almost perfectly happy.
Almost.
So she spent her days acting as if nothing was wrong, ignoring the looks that flitted between her boyfriend and the new girl, instead focusing on the bouncy ball of energy who, if you looked closely at the chain of events over the last few weeks, seem to have some sort of unconscious desire to kill the lot of them. Poison snow… locking them all in a heated camper…
Jade mused through her thoughts as she picked at her food, mashing up the contents of her plate as she withdrew further into her mind in an attempt to block out the eyes Beck was making at Tori, or the fact that no one could really have cared less if she were at the table or not. She really couldn't tell if it was that fact that Beck no longer seemed to need her, or that no one seemed to need her that was hurting her so much. Maybe it was the fact that she was realizing just how fragile she truly was that was causing her so much pain, but whatever it was, the pain was lifted the moment Cat slipped in beside her, bouncing up and down even as she sat on the bench.
Jade watched Cat with her usual expression, though the outer boredom in no way reflected the inner Jade, who was doing cartwheels about then. Cat chatted away animatedly with Robbie, stealing a portion of Tori's lunch as she bubbled away, her energy seeming to catch the entire table by surprise and lifting them all into a more animated state.
Jade joined the conversation for awhile, then let herself fall back out as the group moved off in another direction, seemingly unperturbed by the fact that Jade had fallen silent. They really didn't need her, Jade realized, and the thought stung more than she would have like to admit.
"But, I dunno. What do you think Jade?"
The voice pulled Jade back from her thoughts, and she was surprised to find herself looking straight into the chocolaty eyes that she had thought so much about over the past few weeks.
"Huh?" It was really the only thing that she could say, and even the 'huh' was lucky, considering she was now truly sidetracked.
Cat grinned, batting at Jade's arm before quickly outlining the parameters of the question, her eyes still fixed on Jade's wide and expectant as she finished talking. Jade replied quickly, all too aware of that fact that Cat's hand had yet to discontinue contact with her forearm. Jade forced out an answer, then turned her head to focus somewhere between Robbie and Andre, though she left Cat in her gaze, unable to fully switch her focus.
The conversation carried on, and Cat turned away, though her hand still resided on Jade's arm. For a moment, Jade wondered if it was purely because Cat had forgotten to remove her hand from its perch, but as the conversation carried on Cat slid her fingers down Jade's arm to reside against the heel of her palm as if asking for permission to go further. Jade slide her hand to meet Cat's and their fingers intertwined beneath the table, leaving Jade with no doubt that Cat was fully aware of her actions, though the reasons for doing so were still unknown. Was it because Cat was a little more aware than everyone thought? Could she feel the loneliness emanating from Jade? Was it something more? Or was it purely that Cat felt like holding someone's hand, and Jade was right there? It was really hard to tell with Cat.
The bell rang, startling Jade into dropping Cat's hand, though the disappointed look that Cat slipped her soon made her regret the action. The courtyard shifted from semi-chaotic eating mode into full-throttle bell-has-just-rung-all-flee mode. The group dispersed, Cat skipping off to her locker as Tori led the rest of them off towards their next class. Beck waited patiently by the table, watching Jade as she gathered her bag and rose to her feet. She smiled weakly at him before taking his outstretched hand, careful to use the one that Cat had not been holding. It would be very important to keep herself divided from now on. To keep these two sets of feelings from colliding. To keep her reality, her grounded, never-changing place from the unsteady territory that was Cat Valentine.
It took until the end of the day for Jade to realize that she had let her daily imaginings of Cat turn into conscious thoughts of the airy redhead. The realization was unsettling, though the meaning behind it was even more so. Jade was not supposed to feel this way about Cat. She was not supposed to feel this way about another girl, because that… that would change everything.
Beck's voice pulled her out of her thoughts, his voice pulling her to a frantic place somewhere between a teenage hormone peak and genuine planning. She responds to his question, then turns the topic to one they explored only in the confines of their homes under the cover of husky voices and uncomfortable whispers. Soon they are traveling towards the exit of the school, Jade's mind sliding each piece of her plan into place as the ground disappears beneath her feet.
She is unaware of the stunned magenta haired girl they had left behind at their lockers. Unaware of the wide-eyed and slack-jawed surprise that Jade had caused as the words she had intended for Beck's ears alone had wafted into those of Cat, who had been just about to bound into the two's conversation.
The car ride is painfully long, and the moment they burst through Beck's door, they press themselves together in heated concentration. But it feels wrong: the moments growing more and more painful instead of less and less so. Jade can remember the first time they did this, though the others seem to fade slightly into memories that have ceased to mean that much, especially as they had never quite reached that point from which they would no longer be able to turn back. As Beck pulls her towards the bed, Jade can feel herself mentally pulling away from the events taking place, her mind pulling forth the images it had been escaping with for so long. But those images were supposed to be to escape from unpleasant things, things like Beck not looking at her, and he was defiantly looking at her now.
Shirts were shed, and the bed came up strong under Jade's back, Beck's arms framing her as he paused momentarily before returning his lips to hers. She sent herself deeper into the kiss, shoving all thoughts of Cat out of her mind as Beck's hands traced the contours of her body.
Jade left quickly after the act had been carried out, the tears that were threatening at the edges of her eyes something that she would prefer to deal with in the private of her home.
The drive was quick and painful, both physically and mentally, and when she finally reached her house, she was relieved to find the lights off and the world quiet. She slipped in the back door, blocking out all conscious thought as she focused on simply moving. She shoved open her bedroom door, taking the few steps forward in the dark before collapsing onto her bed.
She was asleep within minutes, and her dreams were filled with Cat's smile and her eyes, her laughter and her voice and the feeling of her hand clasped in Jade's. When Jade woke up, the feeling of calmness cradled her for a few moments before she remembered her reality, and for once, everything was uncertain. The only benefit of this, however, was that she could chose to go wherever she wanted without fear of losing the only certainty, because now, there was no 'only certainty' to lose.
These thoughts followed Jade as she rose up off her bed, stripping off her clothes from the day before and gathering up a fresh set before heading towards the bathroom for a morning shower. The warm water further calmed her, though she still wasn't quite ready to think about where she wanted to go from here. Silence surrounded her when she finally turned off the tap, and as she reached for the towel, a knock sounded on the bathroom door, followed by a worried male voice.
"Jade? You in there? I'm worried about you, I think we should talk." It was Beck.
Jade pulled the towel towards her before responding, letting the towel shield her from Beck's eyes as he opened the door and slipped inside the small room. Jade watched him, pulling the towel around her as she settled herself onto the edge of the tub. Beck met her gaze with a worried look, remaining silent for a few moments before launching into a worried speech. Jade listened half heartedly, her mind settling back into that safe place as she listened to how worried Beck had been. Perhaps… perhaps she had not lost her safe place, she thought, shoving her memories of the night before as far away as possible.
She smiled at him when he had finished talking, responding in kind until Beck had calmed down enough. She stood up then and kissed Beck, happy to be sure, again. Happy to be needed.
"We're invited to a party tonight. Tori's having a get-together at her house, and she invited us," Beck said as they sat at the kitchen counter, eating cereal.
"Yeah?" Jade replied, raising her eyebrows as she settled back into her sure, unfazeable self.
"Yeah," Beck answered, "everyone's going to be there."
"Well, we should be there too then," said Jade, pushing all the thoughts of a certain redhead out of her mind.
The evening came quickly, and it wasn't long before Jade found herself drawn away from Beck and towards Cat, who was sitting on the arm of the couch, staring off into the distance at something Jade could only guess at. She had to wave a little to get Cat's attention, but once the other girl's eyes had focused on her, Cat's face broke into a wide smile.
"Oh! You're here! I'm so glad!" Cat exclaimed, bouncing into a standing position and knocking Jade's knee with her own in the process.
Jade laughed, enjoying the exuberance and proximity of the other girl before taking a small step backwards, eyes shifting away from Cat as she responded to Beck's calling for her attention. He was waving her over to the kitchen area, and after a moment of debate Jade shifted to set off in his direction.
Before Jade could go anywhere, however, she was stopped by a hand on her arm. She turned to meet Cat's disappointed gaze.
"You're leaving me already?" Cat's voice was sad and unsure, and Jade couldn't bring herself to leave if it was going to cause Cat pain. Screw Beck, she wanted to keep a smile on the redhead's face.
Yet…
"I've got to go talk to Beck…" Jade hoped the apology was clear in her voice, as she wasn't going to add one in there. Not even for Cat.
"Oh. You'd better come back and talk to me," Cat demanded, her head cocked to the side in a way that Jade found both endearing and sexy, though she wouldn't admit the last bit.
"OK"
"Meet me somewhere we can talk."
"Like…?" Jade was taken by surprise by this new, alluring Cat, and she was finding it hard to think too clearly.
"Somewhere… over there…" Cat gestured at the staircase, her focus wavering as Jade nodded, then reappearing as Jade shuffled away from Cat's touch and towards Beck.
Jade's conversation with Beck was relatively short, and ended when Tori called Beck over to the living room. Jade stood still for a moment, her mind toying with the idea of 'Cat and Jade' before something caught her gaze and her eyes were drawn to the image of Beck leaning down towards Tori's face. She didn't need to see any longer. The false sense of calm that she had been experiencing for the day was gone now, and hurt and pain were taking its place.
She looked around quickly, checking to see if Cat was still downstairs before slipping quietly towards the stairs. It hurt, to know that her boyfriend couldn't care less about her, and that all it took was one new face for him to turn his attentions completely away from her. He knew better than anyone just how hard it was for her to open up to anyone. He knew.
She stumbled on the top step, then was off again, searching for Cat in every room she passed, swiping at her eyes as she tried to keep the tears that were threatening at bay. Finally, at the end of the hall, Jade found her.
Cat was perched on the edge of a bed, her feet dangling down and her toes just brushing the ground as she stared out the window at the lighted roadways and houses stretching out as far as the eye could see. Jade stood still in the doorway for a moment, letting her eyes grow accustomed to the duskier lighting as she traced the outline of Cat's face with her eyes. The room was calm, so much unlike the house below them, and Jade found herself drawn towards the girl seated on the bed.
As Jade moved towards Cat, Cat's eye's were pulled away from the world outside and towards Jade's silhouette. A smile split the contemplating expression that had just been present and Cat rose up, standing to face Jade as she held tight to the grin.
Jade could feel herself relax as she drew nearer and nearer to Cat, and in a split second she decided against stopping, choosing instead to collide with Cat's body, Cat's hands wrapping around Jade's upper arms to keep her steady. Jade noted the surprise that flicked momentarily across Cat's face before she leaned in to close the gap, doing what she had wanted to do for a good, long time. She could feel a slight smile pull at the corners of Cat's mouth as their lips moved against each other. One of Cat's hands trailed down from Jade's upper arm to find itself entangling itself in Jade's hand. Jade's free hand reached up to cup Cat's cheek as they pressed themselves together.
It's one thing to think something. It is another entirely to act on it. Then again, it is also one thing entirely to subconsciously think something and an entirely different thing to recognize and acknowledge something. But sometimes, that little leap of faith it takes to acknowledge that something is real, and happening is the leap of faith that creates the unbridled happiness that is a result of struggle.
It had started long before the arrival of Tori Vega, and now a new chapter of the story was starting.
Cat pulled back; looking Jade straight in the eye before leaning to rest her head on Jade's shoulder and closing her eyes. It was in that moment of calmness that Jade shifted from almost perfectly happy, to perfectly so. She was needed. She was needed by the one person that she herself had needed from the very first moment they had met.