Disclaimer: No Inuyasha for meeeeeeeeeeeee... -wails-
Well, I feel awful. This weekend, I had planned to see a couple friends, go to a party or two, just in general hang out with friends. Alas, it shall not happen. For the first weekend in months, I have nothing to do and no one to see. Grr. So, in response, I am writing yet another one-shot! Yes!!
...A comedy one-shot! Because the last time I did this, I had SO much fun, AND I got 45 reviews! For a one-shot! I need some cheering up. Badly. So here we go!
And, for the record: I will always refer to psychiatrists as shrinks. It's a habit. Sorry.
-.-
-/-Clinically Insane-/-
"Where do you want me to start?" A girl asked, making it painfully obvious that she could care less about where she began. One black nail picked at another, and the sound coupled with the whirring of a machine that was supposed to drown out the patient's words. Irritating though she was, the shrink merely ground his teeth together slightly and tried to give direction and meaning to this little meeting.
"Well, let's start at the beginning. Your family. Tell me about your family, Shinto-san." The girl smiled, her full, blood red lips stretching into a nasty grin. Sparkling, sharp canine fangs contrasted the violent color of her lips, giving her a feral look. The shrink, well, shrank.
"Oh, my family! Alright! Wahoo! I love to talk about them!" Not. "Alrighty then, let's see. My father! We'll start with him. Yeah, he's out to destroy Japan."
Silence.
"I... see..."
Scribble, scribble.
"What else?"
"About my father? Or the rest of the family?"
The shrink ground his teeth together again, resisting the urge to press the pencil harder against his notes. "Pick one. It doesn't matter."
"More about my father, then!" The girl continued with a faux cheerfulness. "He's a conniving bastard, but you'd never know it until you threatened to take away his monkey suit. He's obsessive over that thing. It's like a giant pelt. Maybe he shot some innocent mommy monkey, then killed her babies so he could have it be extra-soft? He probably ate their flesh raw, too, then killed the father and petrified the skull so he could use part of it as a mask." She nodded, tapping her chin and looking thoughtfully at the ceiling. Her gaze and face whipped back into the direction of the shrink.
Grin.
"He took my heart out. Literally. I mean, what does he think he was doing? Play 'Operation' or something?"
Snort.
"So yeah. He won't even let me have a boyfriend. He made me kill people!"
Silence.
"Kill... people?" The shrink asked, narrowing his eyes. If this was true, he couldn't let it go. This girl would have to be reported. The girl nodded.
"Oh yes. With a fan."
"...A... fan..."
"Uh-huh! And let me tell you, that's not easy." The girl shook her head, letting out an exuberant sigh. "And then I had to fly away, or else wolf-boy would've gotten really pissed..."
"You can fly?" The shrink asked, suddenly thinking that this patient was beyond him. He couldn't help her. For the gods' sake, she thought her father was a monkey, he'd surgically removed her heart, she'd killed people with nothing but a fan, and that she could fly. The girl was insane.
"Of course I can." The girl's back straightened, and she held up a finger as though preaching the word and life of Buddha. In a self-appointed role of dignity and importance, she announced:
"I am the wind. The free wind. One day, I shall be free. I would rather be dead than imprisoned as I am now..."
And she was suicidal. Great.
Suddenly, the girl perked up. Or rather, forward. Leaning towards the shrink in her chair, the girl extended an exceptionally pale arm to the man, who shrank yet again. Giggling like an infatuated, gothic, deranged, and overly demented schoolgirl, she smiled dreamily.
"And then there is Sesshoumaru... he's going to help me get free! He can kill my father!"
Blink, blink.
"Kill your father?"
"Of course! I mean, he's tall and sexy and muscular and he is always carrying around those swords..."
"Your father is... sexy?"
Shudder, shudder, shudder.
"Aww, GODS no! Eww! What kind of fucking sicko are you!? Who the hell would put me 'n Naraku together!? Sesshoumaru carries swords, dumbass!" She screeched, her voice reaching somewhere around 3000-3500 decibels.
"He carries around swords? In daylight?" At the mentioned of the said sword-carrying demon, Shinto-san's expression changed completely. The shrink remembered his job and resumed doing his duties.
Scribble, scribble.
The girl's face had now fully changed: it showed something akin to lust.
Snicker.
"One of them he carries around only at night."
Wink.
"But I'm sure with a little persuasion... I could have him bring it out at any time." The girl's face had become a mask of naughtiness and lip-biting seduction, her sultry giggles flowing easily over to the shrink. A look brief horror flashed over the shrink's face before he got control of himself.
"And... this man... what do you think of him?"
Giggle, giggle, giggle, giggle.
"He's sexy. Yeah, he looks like a girl..." Another horrified glance. The girl noticed the way her sentence was structured, and sought to help out. "A really sexy girl! I mean, he is male, he just doesn't look it! But I swear I'm straight! I am!"
Twitch.
"Homophobic..." The patient muttered, before carrying on. "Oh! I'm sorry! I neglected the rest of my family! I have a lot of brothers and sisters, but none of us have a mother." The shrink stopped twitching long enough to question her.
"How is that possible? Did your mother die?"
"Oh, no. We never had one to begin with. My father created us, using only his genes."
Silence.
"That's not possible," the shrink reasoned. "You would only have a half a set of genetic material."
Shrug.
"Whatever floats your boat, buddy." The girl snapped back. "But back to me. My eldest sister, Kanna... she looks like she's an 8-year-old albino who cannot physically show emotion nor talk, but trust me, she's older than she looks. She's, oh, I'd say... a good 3 or 4 years older than I am. The girl just has no sexual appeal. At all. None. She likes to suck people's souls into her mirror."
Choke hack cough.
"Souls?"
The girl nodded nonchalantly. "Oh yeah. All the time. Now, my first younger brother had his spine ripped out, and since then, most of our siblings have died. Never peacefully- they always get murdered. All we have left of them is a few shreds of intestine, and, if we're lucky, their teeth. But most the time those get stolen. Don't ask me why."
"...I see. Let's switch subjects a bit here. What about your day-to-day schedule?" The girl smiled in that vicious way again, successfully scaring the shit out of her interrogator. She nodded pensively.
"Let's see. I wake up with this horrible chest pain, and if I cough up blood, then I know my father wants me to see him. So I go up to him, insult him a bit, and he starts to harass me, call me names, insult my 'non-existent' intelligence, and it all usually ends with me on the floor, clutching my chest and wishing he would burn in hell. So then he tells me about all my chores for the day, things like slaughtering entire generations of different families and making sure nobody fucks around with his fucking around. I make sure this one girl he likes is safe yet on the verge of having her souls- yes, plural- ripped out. I decide randomly that I have time to fuck around myself, even though I don't, and I go to see Sesshoumaru. I pretend like I'm dead, even though I can't die, and rip off my shirt when I think he's not looking. I mean, if you had a body like this-"
Slash. Riiiiiiip. Toss.
"-Would you just let it sit around, or would you use it? Come on. Who wants to die a virgin, anyways?" The shrink tried to coax her to put her shirt back on, but she blatantly ignored him. She stared at him as though he was speaking another language before her face lit up with sarcastic understanding. The shrink breathed a sigh of relief before-
"Oh, right, about my day. After I come home, I get slapped around a bit more and then I go outside to sniff and ponder my existence. It's nice," she added, smiling peacefully. "Sometimes Kanna comes out and stares at me with this creepy look that says 'I'd suck your soul out if you had one'. It's like bonding time for us. I think we're getting really close."
Thump.
"Mr.? Are you ok?" Kagura looked at the shrink whose eyes had rolled up into his skull. He slumped to the ground, and Kagura sighed.
"There goes another one," she muttered, slowly pulling on a fully-stitched shirt that had appeared out of nowhere.
-.-
Why did I write this?
No idea.
Dedicated to Khepri. Because you know she would and she knows I would and I know you would. Ergo: we all know we would.
Review my pointless, not-so-funny humor?
-FL