10.
Running and running and I can't quite catch up. You're always ahead of me. In the twilight I can see your white dress and blond hair ahead of me; always just rounding the next corner.
When I wake from the dream I don't feel relieved. The feeling stays with me as I try to hold onto you.
When it comes true I find I'm not at all surprised to be chasing you.
I finally catch up to you in front of our door. You smile at me. I'm panting too hard to return it.
I never have the dream again.
9.
One day you talk me into posing for one of your drawings. I sit there, perfectly still, by the window. You've talked me out of my clothes. Its January so there's a slight draft by the window. I suppress my shivers until you're done, three hours later.
You give me the picture (its a painting, now) two weeks later with a kiss and a quiet 'happy birthday'. Its different; you've reworked it and added in a self-portrait to keep me company.
I'm afraid to hang it on the wall, in case it gets damaged. I want to be able to see it and remember you always.
Although you don't know it, whenever my friends come over I take it out and show it off to them.
8.
We went to meet your family. I barely said a word the whole time. Since it wasn't a reunion, I didn't get to see the few members of your family I already know.
You mother was very nice and kept fussing over me. It was annoying, but very kind of her.
Your father kept casting me knowing smiles when neither of you were looking. I couldn't figure out what they meant.
Your brother didn't say anything much at all, which was kind of nice. Though, it was awkward when your mum walked in on him and me sitting in the room, not saying a word.
You surprised me when we were in the car on the way home by asking me if I'd been nervous. You asked it in such a way that it wasn't really a question at all. I just nodded and didn't meet your eye.
When I looked at you, you were smiling, no, grinning and looked about to cry. You told me I'd done wonderfully, that I was wonderful. You also told me you'd never brought anyone home before.
I didn't tell you, but I think you knew anyway, that at those words something happy burst inside me filling me with warmth. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever told me.
7.
You held me when I learned my grandfather died. Though I scornfully said, "So the old man finally kicked the bucket? I wonder whose going to get his stuff."
You came over immediately to wrap your arms around me.
You didn't know, but he was the only family member that didn't stop talking to me. At the nursing home my mum told them not to let me in to see him. He would sneak out anyway so we could talk.
When I saw the words on the letter I realized that I now had no family left.
They sent me the note announcing his funeral two weeks late.
You went with me to the grave and paid your respects. I could see him smiling at that in my mind. More importantly, though, you held my hand the whole time.
The instant you wrapped your arms around me I realized I had a new family. Maybe this one's love would be unconditional.
6.
You always pick up your phone when I call, no matter what. Selfishly I've called you in the middle of class just to make sure.
Even if we've gotten into a row because I've been too loud, or pushed to far, you'll still pick up. Its in moments like those that I have to apologize.
One time, though, I think you'll remember, it was a legitimate emergency. Our apartment building caught on fire. Our apartment was safe, but I'd been in the stairwell near the bottom.
In those moments where I didn't know if I was going to make it (and secretly, I didn't think I would), all I could think of was you.
When I got to the hospital, they called Marluxia and Demyx, because those where the only contacts I'd written down.
The first thing I did the moment I had the chance, was call you. My voice was all raspy and you couldn't understand me over the phone, so I gave it to Marluxia.
You came right over to the hospital and stayed with me the whole day.
Now, the first person the hospital will call if something happens to me ever again, is you.
5.
When we ran into my mum at the supermarket, once, you didn't say a thing. You saw as I tensed up when I saw her and followed my gaze. I like to think you were quick in catching on to what was happening.
I realized you knew exactly what was going on when you began talking loudly about vegetables and a rather suggestive kind of 'fun' as you followed her around the store.
Although you allowed me the perfect opportunity to act scandalized and exclaim,
"Naminé!"
I'll never forget how her eyes widened at that. Demyx had obviously told her about you and had avoided mentioning me. On the ride home we laughed so hard we were crying.
Because of that I can now greet my mum civilly whenever I run into her when she visits Demyx.
4.
The first time you kissed me was after we got out of the theater. We had gone to see some terrible chick flick so that we could moan and be rude during the film. As we were leaving a lot of the boyfriends shot us grateful grins.
It was raining and we didn't have an umbrella. Halfway to the metro station, you pulled me down a side street and pushed me against a wall.
A policeman had stopped and told us to 'move along now'. I could see he was smiling in his beard, though.
We made it all the way home and you kissed me at the door before you left (this was when you still lived next door).
Between you and the rain, it was the best night I had ever had.
3.
When we lie in bed together, you always make sure we're pressed together. On some nights you have your back pressed to my front. This makes me terribly unhappy. On others you lie facing me, with your face pressed in my neck.
I know people who wouldn't let their guard down around me. My brothers, for example, use to not sleep with me in the house unless their doors were locked.
I love watching you sleep. All the innocence you've convinced everyone else of seems so palpable. Your lips part just slightly and you look like a little kid.
One night when I was late getting home, when I climbed into bed you rolled over and wrapped one arm around me and buried your face in my neck. When your arm found my waist a smile spread across your sleeping face. No one had ever smiled at me like that.
2.
You probably notice how long it takes us to get comfortable when we sit together on a couch. We squirm and move until its nearly impossible to look at us and tell which limbs belong to whom.
You're generally lying on top of me but I like having you pressed against me. We don't really hold each other much; we just press together, kind of like we're trying to become part of each other, or something.
I just nearly melt when you come over to me and crawl into my lap and cuddle up to me.
People were all to happy to decided that I was not an affectionate person. I think this gave them a reason to leave quickly.
It took me a long time to warm up to the idea but you were patient (and wouldn't let me get out of it).
Our friends always look so confused and appalled at the human tangle we become on a couch, but its just because they're conventional. They do things the normal way; we can't, because you're amazing.
1.
You don't say it often, but not in a horrible way. Its just that we both know that its powerful, and can't be unsaid, and is too easily overused.
Sometimes after a long day when we're about to sleep, you'll whisper it. You say it into the phone quietly (so no one will hear) if one of us has to go away somewhere for more than a day.
You whisper it in my ear when you hold me when I start crying and can't stop.
You whispered it to me at my brother's funeral as I stood there in shock, and I know he'd have thought you're amazing.
I think I've only said it once. We'd had a fight and you were going to leave. You'd been crying and the sight broke my heart. You were almost out the door and I whispered it from down the hall. In the dead silence of our apartment (you were taking all the life with you), you heard it. You started to cry again and you came over and cried against my shoulder.
You said that it was perfect and I don't know if I agree with you. I always thought that the perfect time was in an impassioned moment but we seem to always have been a little eccentric.
Now I've pulled the pin and counted down, so I suppose we sit back and watch my heart explode.