A/N: Eh… my first YnM fic and, incidentally, my first shonen-ai (aside from that one-sided aspect of Zutto with Nuriko XD). I've only seen the anime (all of the sub, waiting for someone to upload the rest of the dub), and read various web info, so please don't kill me. I'm only using what I'm fairly certain about… -worry, worry- Heck, I don't even know where I'm going with this. I want to get a feel for the characters, and the plot-bunny just wouldn't leave me alone! Gah, I hope it turned out alright anyway -lol- Partially inspired by Dan Hill's "Sometimes When We Touch" (cuz it's just so Hisoka) for the majority, and Metisse's "Boom Boom Ba" (have you heard it? seriously -shivers-) for certain moments. :D I'm attempting to get a feel for more Japanese, and it tends to leak through, so I hope you'll forgive a few random words. -ahem- Oh yeah, and I'm also working on a number of other things which should be posted soon. I'm doing my best to resurrect myself from lurkdom here, work and all… -hides in case old readers come back to throw things-
Disclaimer: I no own. You no sue. We clear? Good :D
The Value of Humanity
Humans were, as a general rule, a troublesome species. They lied, cheated, stole, betrayed each in unspeakable ways, and some even went so far as to kill for what they desired. There were certain degrees of cruelty among them, of course, and most left it at simple apathy and selfishness, but in truth, it often took very little to push them over that invisible precipice. Such had been the experience of one Kurosaki Hisoka.
This was what baffled and frustrated the rookie shinigami the most when he thought of his excitable and exceptionally tender-hearted partner. Tsuzuki Asato was absolutely fascinated with all the rituals and relations of the mortal realm. Especially their food. It didn't matter what it was (though sweets were definitely preferred); if it was edible and left alone in the man's presence for more than a couple minutes, it was inevitably gone before anyone could do more than blink. Hisoka found himself wondering, not for the first time – as he covertly eyed the elder guardian literally inhaling a feast fit for at least three people – if all that sugar could really be the source of Tsuzuki's seemingly endless good cheer.
The ageless teen knew all too well that it wasn't, however, and dismissed the idle thought with a smirk as he set his pen down. Both of their desks were night to overflowing with paperwork that really should've been done weeks ago (Tsuzuki hadn't bothered to shove his share aside while he ate. Tatsumi-san would not be happy upon discovering this), but for once Hisoka couldn't find it in himself to chide his errant partner. Brilliant emerald softened just slightly as he settled his chin in one palm, content for the moment to simply watch his fellow shinigami indulge his most treasured hobby in blissful oblivion.
The uninitiated (see: ignorant) tended to assume this to be all there was to Tsuzuki: an overly genki slacker with an obsessive sweet-tooth and an inability to retain a partner for more than a few months. Or even weeks, for those who were particularly impatient. Even he – who really should have known better, being an empath – had believed it at first, and he'd railed passionately against being saddled with such a fool for a partner. That misconception had faded gradually – no one could fight as he did, with such skill and determination, if they were truly an imbecile – but it wasn't until they had actually closed the Maria Wong case that Hisoka finally realized exactly how far off the mark he'd been.
Tsuzuki honestly cared about people – be they mortal or spirit, willing or unwilling – and he would gladly risk his own existence to defend them. It had completely muddled everything Hisoka had ever thought of the world, to find that there was a person out there willing to do such a thing. Said confusion had only been heightened when the man stood – complete with a gaping hole in his back – between him and evil incarnate. Upon desperate questioning later, purest amethyst had merely winked in reply: "Because you're my partner." No big thing, just a fact of life – or, in their case, afterlife. And still, it meant everything.
Yeah, he's easily the simplest yet most complicated guy ever. Hisoka concluded in mild amusement, fighting the fond smile threatening to surface as he gazed at his now gently snoring other half. Socked feet (which, incidentally, reeked. Ever meticulously tidy, Hisoka made a mental note to visit Tsuzuki's apartment later for a heavy-duty cleaning session) were now propped up amid empty lunch cartons and crumpled, half-finished reports, their owner slumped back in that aging chair… drooling, no less! Oh yeah, Tatsumi-san is going to pitch nine kinds of a conniption. Scary.
The secretary was usually very lenient with his former partner – they all were, in their own way. You just couldn't stay mad at Tsuzuki for long. It was like a law of nature – but when it came to the nuts and bolts of running Enma-chou, he was a force to be reckoned with. Hisoka could only hope that Watari-san would be somewhere in the vicinity before things hit the proverbial fan. He does seem to have a knack for defusing dangerous situations—he jumped a bit when a small explosion sounded from the lab, as if on cue. Cute. Tsuzuki slept on, of course. Which is only fair, since he's the cause of about half of them around here.
The young guardian sighed and stood, quietly picking his way through the mine field to the nearby desk. Frowning slightly, Hisoka considered waking the man so he wouldn't be stuck with the full workload (again), but rolled his eyes and began silently placing the used cartons in the trash. Let the idiot sleep for now. He needs it. Tsuzuki was rarely so… what was the word? Peaceful, maybe. It was a nice change of pace from the manic-depressive emotions that he'd almost grown used to feeling from him in their time together. Not exhausting or irritating, begging for pie… or so achingly alone that it didn't seem at all irrational to die alongside him, if it came to that.
Hisoka stubbornly refused to discuss It with anyone, even months later, ignoring the more persistent queries of his co-workers, determined to act as though everything was perfectly fine. As if the threat of losing his partner had never happened, had never shaken him to the very core. He'd made a vow to himself, waking in the hospital to find the bed beside him still deathly silent, that he would be stronger from then on. He just had to, for Tsuzuki's sake, and his own. He could deal with pain, anger, and hatred; they had been his constant companions for as long as he could remember. But grief? That was new, and he knew instinctively that it would annihilate him if it ever had the chance. Nothing in his life or death had ever had the power to truly break him, yet the very thought of losing Tsuzuki was paralyzing.
A new nightmare invaded his already restless slumber these days and, in many ways, it was somehow worse than the old. Falling sakura had been replaced with bitter snow and that terrible, bloody moon now paled before an all-consuming inferno of self-hatred and near insanity. Anguished whispers cried out from those dark dreams, begging for a salvation Hisoka still wasn't entirely sure he could provide. Echoing… blending… screaming…
"Ne, 'Soka-chan…?" Gentle, concerned fingers were suddenly threading through Hisoka's hair, jerking him from his thoughts with such force that he stumbled back, only to slip on a stray box and fall in a very undignified heap in the middle of the office. Blushing furiously, the teen shot to his feet and pinned his obviously still-drowsy partner with what he hoped to be his best glare.
"Baka! What'd you do that for?! I was just cleaning up your mess, since you couldn't be bothered to do it yourself!" The anger was completely illogical, Hisoka knew – truth be told, he was actually grateful to be pulled from that waking vision of death –, but this had always been his best defense. It gave him a sense of strength, even if it was only bravado.
"Aww... so meaaann, 'Soka-chan!" Tsuzuki whined, shifting instantaneously to his most piteous kicked-puppy expression as he wilted over the now relatively neat desk. "You just looked so sad that I couldn't help it!"
"Did not, and don't call me that!" He stepped forward to whack the man over the head with a sheaf of unfinished forms – the resultant yelp was almost satisfying – before stalking back to bury himself in paperwork, fully intent on ignoring the other shinigami for the rest of the day.
Of course, said idiot was having none of that. Tsuzuki was already up and leaning purposefully on the arms of Hisoka's chair, effectively trapping the boy with an uncomfortably penetrating gaze. I may be the empath, but those eyes really do see far too much… "N-nani? Why are you looking at me like that?"
"We're partners, aren't we, Hisoka? Do you still not trust me?" Tsuzuki's voice was soft, almost musical, with a myriad of emotions ebbing and flowing just beneath the surface. Reaching out for acceptance. One hand lifting slowly, hesitantly toward the younger's cheek… violet eyes shimmering with barely leashed longing…
Hisoka shook himself from the man's unwitting spell and pushed that hand away before it could reach its destination, forcing the other's hold on him to break with a turn of his chair. "Baka. You know I do."
His partner pouted for a second, then rounded the desk to face him again, planting his hands on polished wood. Unwavering determination. Worry. So many things that Hisoka dared not name, and all of them focused on him. It was still unsettling, despite having faced this time and time again. "Then tell me what's bothering you. It drives me crazy to watch you trying to take on the world all by yourself. You're my best friend, and I--"
"Iie... yamete kudasai." Hisoka held up a hand, frantically trying to impede an admission that he was far from ready for. It was one thing to sense it (and even that much turned his world upside down and shook it like a child's snow globe), but to have it all out in the open was more than he could take right now.
"Doushite?" Tsuzuki tipped his head to the side, studying the boy as confusion and sadness warred within. He'd known it was a fool's dream to imagine that Hisoka could ever… But was it really so much to ask…? The answer was practically written in neon on his partner's normally stoic face, and it knifed through him almost like a physical blow. Any pretense of brightness in the eyes he'd always despised fled in that moment as he nodded and turned away, every step another weight upon an already floundering heart. Shouldn't I be used to this by now? I guess I really am an idiot. I should never have made him so uncomfortable, even if I was worried. Wretched, pathetic creature that I am, even I should know better.
Awash in the unguarded, downward-spiraling thoughts of the man almost stumbling for the door, Hisoka summoned all of his will to break free and do something. Vaulting the desk with one swift move and a soundless cry, he managed to reach Tsuzuki before he could turn the handle. Abandoning all pride and innate shyness for the second time in his existence, Hisoka clutched his partner close from behind. Overwhelming shock. More uncertainty. Devastating hope. Burying his face in that habitual black trench coat, he mumbled in a poor attempt at humor. "Baka… you forgot your shields."
"Hi…soka…" the word escaped on a broken sigh as Tsuzuki's body sagged just a little into the embrace, as if unwilling to fully believe that this moment was real, yet desperately needing it to be so. "I beg you… please don't tease me like this. It's just too much…"
"I'm not! It-it's not like that!" Mentally cursing the perpetually-annoying blush reflex setting his face aflame, Hisoka grit his teeth and held on even tighter, despite deep-seated instincts shrieking for him to release the elder guardian that instant. He would win this battle, so help him, even if they had to stand like this all day.
Tsuzuki's eyes fluttered shut as he took a deep, shuddering breath, allowing his head to fall back. He tentatively raised shaking hands to brush at the fists knotted so tenaciously in his shirt, wishing that this one moment could last for all time. To fall into a dream that he would never have to give up. It would be so beautiful…
The touch was hardly there at all – lighter than the ghost of a butterfly –, yet the raw tsunami surged through Hisoka and left him struggling for air. Locking knees that suddenly felt more like Jell-O than viable joints, he lifted wide, cloudy jade to stare in dazed wonderment at the back of his partner's head. "How can you feel so much? How do you do it? I'd never find the strength…"
"I just do." A wry half-laugh, another rollercoaster of emotion. He turned and wrapped his arms around his only shelter, intensely grateful when the boy didn't back away as usual. Maybe, just maybe, they both needed this. Even in the midnight engulfing his soul, that tiny hope refused to be smothered. Stubborn, just like 'Soka. Tsuzuki bent and smiled into fair, murmuring gently, "I've always been like this, and I can't really control it. I don't think I'd want to, even if I could. Isn't that what means to be human, to experience everything you're given to its fullest extent – whatever the outcome? I may not be--"
"Don't say it, don't you dare." Hisoka jerked back just enough to capture his friend's shocked face in his hands, angry tears flowing unheeded down his own. Fire flashed and arched, searing them both. "Didn't I tell you? I don't care what the rest of the world thinks – I know you better than anyone. You are not some monster. You are Tsuzuki: my crazy, powerful, sweet-toothed friend who has too big a heart for his own good. Sure, you're not all purity and light, but who is? If you condemn yourself for that, you may as well take me down with you. You barely find it in yourself to do the job we've been assigned, because you see it as "killing" instead of simply helping souls cross over. I, on the other hand, have thought of doing it outright so many times that I've lost track." Bitterness choked that last sentence to the point that he had to look away, to focus on anything but that tender, understanding gaze.
"Hisoka…" Tsuzuki lifted one hand to the young empath's faintly trembling chin, turning it toward him again with a soft smile as he lightly thumbed away unshed tears from those precious eyes, "don't beat yourself up for that. You've been through so much… it's more than understandable. It's part of human nature, I think, to want to strike back at those who've hurt you – especially in your case."
"Yeah, maybe. But that's what I really don't get about you." Hisoka frowned, puzzling things out as logically as he could at the moment. Those long, unbelievably kind fingers still drifting over his cheeks – he'd think about what an embarrassing spectacle this must be later – were just far too distracting for their own good. "You've been through as much as I have, and more, and yet you somehow find the courage to trust, to… love." He closed his eyes and sighed before offering his partner a smile that, for some reason he didn't dare name, felt strangely sad. "Even when you shouldn't. The only pain you'd ever want to cause someone would be in retaliation for that person hurting those you care about. You've done for me on a number of occasions, so I know… even if I don't quite understand why yet."
"Don't you?" That voice, always intoxicating, dropped four octaves to a rich, royal velvet that sent a shiver of awareness down his spine. It was an uncomfortably new sensation, but Hisoka found that he couldn't move, couldn't even breathe. Had Muraki himself appeared just then and announced that he was king of the world, he doubted that he would be able to do more than blink. A disturbing thought, on so many levels… Tsuzuki took Hisoka's hands – he'd forgotten that they hadn't moved from the man's face – and pressed it to his chest with one of his own, holding him close at the small of his back with the other. "This heart beats for you alone. You're why I'm still here, and I would do anything to ensure your happiness, your safety. If you still won't let me say the words, then at least tell me you know that much. I'm not an empath, 'Soka. I need to hear you say it."
Hisoka bowed his head, unable to take the hurt and hopeless adoration radiating from his partner. To know that he was the cause of both was staggering, and more than a little guilt-laden. "I-I know. I just don't understand why, that's all. The fact that I don't scares me, among other things. What I sense in you is so completely alien to everything I've ever known. I'm weak and I know that I'd never survive without you, but…" he shut his eyes against a new wave of despair, unable to tell if it was Tsuzuki's or his own, "how can I be strong enough to protect you from the world, from yourself, if that's so? Where do I even begin?"
Sudden warmth infused him like dawn breaking after a long and painful night and he looked up, bewildered. Eh? Even for Tsuzuki and his notoriously mercurial attitude, such an extreme change was pretty exceptional. Hisoka blinked, wide-eyed, at the slow grin forming on the elder shinigami's face and tried not to sound nervous and defensive. "What's that smile for?"
A light, incomprehensibly tender peck on the lips derailed any train of thought for a few seconds. The act might've seemed almost chaste, a child's attempt at showing affection, but for the expression in that deep violet gaze. It spoke of so many things, seconded by the vast ocean stirring in his partner's heart. It was frightening, the temptation… but Tsuzuki only grinned once more, somehow sensing Hisoka's unease, and stepped back with a shrug as he stuffed slightly trembling hands in his coat-pockets. "You wanted to know where to begin, right?"
Fire-alarm red, of course, the teenager scowled and crossed his arms, glaring daggers at the box he'd tripped over earlier as if it were to blame for everything. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Anou, I know that I'm no expert, but…" Tsuzuki laughed nervously and ran a hand through shaggy, dark-chocolate strands, "what you were describing before, it sounds like… you know…" Fear of rejection, uncertainty, a shy shuffle of feet. Passionate resolve, aching need, a blazing lock on brightest green. "Love. That's what I think you're feeling. I can hardly believe what I'm saying, but somehow it just feels right. Getting you to admit stuff is kind of like pulling teeth from a hungry tiger anyway, especially when it comes to what you really feel…" When Hisoka opened his mouth to object, Tsuzuki smiled again and shook his head as he took a small step back. "I know that I'm probably going to get beat for saying all this, but I really can't help it. I'd never, ever want to push you into anything, 'Soka-chan. Even if it never goes any further than where we are right now, I think I can be happy with this much." Well, he certainly looked the part at the moment… the man was glowing sky-blue in his overwhelming joy. The gentlest, most beatific smile Hisoka had ever seen graced the elder shinigami's face as he spread his arms, head lifted to the heavens and eyes closed in utter peace. "'Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.' It's really true... I'm glad."
Of all the mind-boggling information he'd just received, this last made the teen blink in confusion most of all, "Nani? Since when do you read Kahlil Gibran? I thought you sucked with foreign languages." He'd process the rest later. This, at least, was something he could deal with.
Tsuzuki returned his gaze to his partner, lowering his arms with a sheepish grin as that odd light faded back inside him, apparently back to normal. "I do. I heard it somewhere a few weeks ago and thought it sounded cool, so I had the GoShoShin translate it for me. Of course, since I've been banned from the library, they kind of threatened me first…"
This forced a fond laugh from the usually stoic adolescent, and this time, the surprise he felt was turned inward. Is this what he meant? This feeling… Was it really possible for him, of all people, to love? How had he, who'd been abused and discarded by everyone in life, managed to stumble into the one person willing to see him as he was in death? Oh, hang the logic.
Fighting the lingering shadows and doubts from within, the flashes of untold agony and humiliation, Hisoka smiled and walked straight into Tsuzuki's eternally welcoming embrace and surrendered himself to this newborn serenity. You're wrong, Muraki… about both of us, and especially about Tsuzuki. Whether this tragic, beautiful angel was of human or demonic descent – or perhaps some strange mixture that he had yet to fathom–, it mattered not to Hisoka. Everything that might ever be said in favor of humanity, of existence in general, lay within the depths of those "cursed" eyes. Someday, he'd have the courage to say so. For now, Hisoka merely chuckled and burrowed deeper in his partner's arms, returning quote for quote, "'Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.' You're walking proof of that, Tsuzuki Asato."
"So are you… Soka-chan." The soft purr resonated from deep within the man's chest as gentle fingers urged Hisoka's face slowly upward, smiling down at him with that same heavenly tenderness as his head bent to cover the rest of the distance. For once, there was no awkwardness between them, no hesitation. Emerald and amethyst held and meshed, creating the rarest and most indestructible jewel in their union. I'm home.
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It's a bit open-ended, I know. –lol- You decide what happens next. It's probably a one-shot, but… -shrugs- maybe something more could be done with it. What do you think? ;D Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my first attempt… at many fields. –hehe- Reviews would be greatly appreciated if you have the time. -bows-