WARNING: This work of fiction contains scenes and language that are not
appropriate for minors or children under the age of 15. It's a
dark-lemony/limish thing, and the character's I used are under no
circumstances mine, I used them without permission. Plus, the owners
probably don't even give a damn that I'm using them, so don't sue.
~End of Legal Ass-Covering~
Without further adieu:
From the bottom of FLYz's bookshelf...
Where all of her fanfictions are found...
A Flying Banana Chair, Inc. Production
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Burning Smoke
by FLYz
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"I could spend my whole life repainting the mistakes I made that are so
small, I can't describe them, but are so big, I can't miss them."
-The Sun, the Moon, and the Stars
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Chapter 1 :: Venus, Cupid, Folly, and Time
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I'm not one to respect others very much. Which means that first
off, Maxwell did a damn good job of convincing me he deserved this.
Second, it means that I'm getting to be a sentimental fool after
spending such a long time in the company of people who deem themselves
to be human. I am not human. I am a soldier, I was a soldier, and I
will always be one. Nothing anybody can or will do shall ever change
that.
I think that's what Maxwell considers his greatest lost to be.
He couldn't get one of his friends to loosen his ass-hole up enough to
stop shitting Tiffany cuff-rings. Figures.
I don't claim to know Duo, although, I find that rather
regretful, looking back at it now. He was beyond my comprehension then,
and probably still is. I may have even loved him at one point. What?
Surprised I don't anymore? Well, don't blame me. Blame Atropos, the
damn hag for ever having introduced us. The world shouldn't have lost
such a man as him.
Then again, the world should've never had to suffer me. Well,
they live and they learn, right? Ha.
Go figure.
* * * * *
Thinking back, I wonder what the notion of love actually ever
was. I mean, we all have our first loves, and nothing will ever be the
same as our first loves. They say one can never escape from the
memories of youth. They also say youth's a blessing. That has GOT to be
one of the top ten oxymoron phrases of the millenium. But back to the
point. Can you guess who my first love was?
What? Heero Yuy love?
Is it so hard to believe?
* * * * *
The most disturbing thing in my life, was what Maxwell wrote in
his diary. I mean, I knew that he was an orphan and all that shit, but
hell, I honestly had no idea what rape truly was until I read that
stuff. I think I'm scarred for life. And I'm not kidding. Do you know,
or have any idea what kind of thought run through peoples' minds at
those moments?
Do you know what rape does to the people it is inflicted upon?
You know, I found out later that it was the same day Solo died
that Maxwell stopped believing in God. He doesn't wear the cross
because he's religious. He tells people that it's because he wants to
commemorate Father Christopher Maxwell* and Sister Helen Cúsakari*.
I'm not sure if that's true or not.
In my opinion, he wears the cross to mock the people he lost.
To show them, that he believed in God, he lost the only people he ever
loved, but he still believed in God. He had to become part of the war
he hated, but he believed in God. He was raped on the church walls when
he was not much older than a sniveling 5 year old, but he believed in
God. I think he wears it to show that he's pissed at God. I can relate.
As he told me one day, he was relating his life story to me,
sitting in our dorm room, looking at the turning leaves, "He was never
human. He was never a 15 year old kid."
Yeah. Fuck you, God.
* * * * *
I was looking through the pilots' files the other day and I
found some interesting things out. Mostly stuff on their background,
which, for the most part, was expected, not very shocking. Mostly. I
still can't believe Chang was ever married. For the most part, just
because he's the way he is, but another part of me says that you don't
want to believe it because it would make him like you. You became his
twin as soon as your humane side died, too.
Well, Wufei, I guess that makes us a pair of cold hearted
mother fuckers, don't it? You know, I'm probably just mad at him
because he deals with it better than I do. That's no reason to be a
bitch about it, I know, but I'm going to be pissy anyway.
But I found some other stuff out I sort of wish I had never
known. Mostly stuff about Winner and Maxwell, since those two were the
happy people of the group. There was also some scary shit on Barton. Or
rather Bloom, since he's not really Barton, is he?
Apparently Quatre was a decent guy, came from a family of 50...
he was the youngest, and the only male, yada, yada, yada type stuff. I
also learnt that he had needed psychiatric help for the past 5 years,
and was on a dose of Paxil which had just been alleviated 6 months
prior to the beginning of Operation: Meteor. Oh, did I forget to
mention the fact that he'd also tried to commit suicide 4 times
already? Cut the wrist, shot himself in the stomach, and tried drowning
himself twice. But according to his file, he was now a happy, mentally
stable young man. Nothing to worry about.
Right.
As for Duo, well, he was orphaned after being beaten as a child
for 2 years, then was raped 3 years hence at the age of 5 and a half,
repeated attempts at suicide, almost anything in the book, you name it,
he had tried. Apparently gave up dying at the age of 13, hasn't
attempted since. And was certified insane. Nothing too unusual.
Trowa was a recovering alcoholic (?) and apparently a manic
depressant. Apparently obsessed with knives, he decided to see what
would happen if he cut out a star in his hand. After that, at age 11,
sailing was clear.
And these were the men that I worked with? Lord help me, Lord
fuck me, and hit me, I was truly the only normal one. Except for Chang.
Well, Wufei, I guess that makes us a pair of cold hearted
mother fuckers, don't it?
* * * * *
I don't know who I should hate or love. I am a confused little
boy, sometimes, and it makes me sick to think about it. People always
view me as cold. In truth, I just don't know how to feel. There is a
difference. Really.
I have never attempted suicide, as much as that may surprise
you, except upon orders, but that's different. I usually hold
conversations to myself, not with others, so as to prevent being
judged. Is that surprising? What, did you just think I had nothing of
value to say, or that maybe I didn't posses the ability to voice what I
think? Amusing thought.
Allowing one's self to be judged is the ultimate form of
respect in my opinion. Those who offer themselves openly do not earn my
respect. See how Maxwell is quite the exception? I am not the man you
thought I was, was I?
I was?
Oh.
* * * * *
I...
I don't know...
Oh, screw it to Hell, I just don't know!
* * * * *
Damn it.
Go to Hell and leave me alone! I don't want to think about the
consequences of my actions today! Today, I just want to live, and for
once do things the right way! Voice my opinion, kiss the girl, the
heroic stuff!
I thought that once.
And here I am, Heero Yuy, still in the army at age 24, a
janitor/floor waxer for the president of the Preventers. Yeah. I'm a
fucking janitor.
You know, it's amusing, now that I think about my short
childhood, if you can even call it that anymore. Of all the things I
regret, even more then blowing up that shuttle back when I was 15, is
that no matter what I did, it just wasn't good enough. It provided a
momentary satisfaction, but then, the fleeting feeling was gone. Une
once said, when she was a Lieutenant that, "Heero Yuy, you fight for
the colonies now, and you are a hero now, but mark my words boy, you'll
have to do better then to re-unite the colonies with Earth to be
remembered as more than a redundant soldier, 10 years from now."
Amusing to think that what she said was true, that nobody, save
a few special people even remember my name sake, let alone my person.
It's AC 205, and nobody knows who Heero Yuy is anymore. I am no hero.
I never lived up to my name. All my enemies, Zechs, Treize,
Une, are you happy now? You have your revenge. I'm a nobody, not a
friggin' hero. Hah fucking hah.
Get it? Heero's no hero.
Well isn't that surprisingly ironic.
* * * * *
~End Of Chapter 1~
okasan8675@yahoo.com (FLYz)
!OWARI!
!OWARI!
*Duo Maxwell's Episode 0, you find out that he was a nameless orphan on
a colony of La Grange Point 2 [L2], who was taken in by Father Maxwell
and Sister Helen of the Maxwell Church. No first name for Maxwell, no
last name for Helen, so I made them up.