Title: Stupid
Author: Sweetness
Disclaimer: If you think a poor, sullen, bitter, snarky 17 year-old owns ALIAS…well, then... you're on your own. Also, the lyrics belong to the wonderful Sarah McLachlan. I can't write poetry worth crap, and that's what her lyrics are: pure poetry. Rating: PG-13, just to be on the safe side. Sorry, but there's nothing really smutty here. I love reading it, but I feel like an awkward 12 year-old writing it.
Timeline: S3, pre-Eeevil!Lauren
'Ship: Sarkney. Like I would write anything else.
Summary: What do you do when love gets in the way?
Feedback: Is much appreciated, but no flames, please!
A/N #1: This is a songfic based on "Stupid" by Sarah McLachlan.
A/N #2: This is my first fanfic ever, so please be gentle!
A/N #3: This is unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine. If you happen to find anything wrong in the way of spelling, grammar, plot holes the size of MGD's ego, etc. please tell me!
It had started out so simple. Sydney and Sark met, once again, on a mission, on opposite sides, as they had always been. There could be no other way for them, in spite of Sark's persistence in trying to recruit Sydney to work with him, in more ways than one. Sydney was the emotional, patriotic, holier-than-thou CIA officer, and Sark was the heartless, dispassionate, morally-bankrupt assassin who worked for the highest bidder.
All it took was a few well-aimed insults and punches, and suddenly his lips were on hers. After that, everything changed. They both knew they would hesitate the next time they tried to pull the trigger on each other. It could not be any other way now, and the scary thing was... neither of them cared.
Their affair began shortly after that, a hotel in Zurich one night, a safe house in St. Petersburg the next. Soft caresses, sounds of pleasure, and whispered words were on the agenda in place of hard punches, sounds of pain, and snarky banter.
They were both content to leave their relationship as it was, to hide it from their respective employers. It blew Sark's mind that he could actually experience unparalleled pleasure he never thought he would ever have the opportunity to experience with the one woman he thought would resist until the bitter end. It blew Sydney's mind how she could experience unparalleled pleasure with someone whom she once despised with all her being. Sydney still pretended to despise Sark with all her being in the presence of others, and Sark still pretended to despise Sydney's pesky morals in the presence of others, but in private, they thought rather fondly of each other. They could disassociate their relationship from their respective obligations... or so they thought. Soon, their attachment to each other grew to the point when they met on missions—as they inevitably would—they would only half-heartedly fight and would not even attempt to aim their guns at each other. He even told her his name. It's Julian, love. Now they both understood why emotional attachments in their line of work were dangerous, even deadly. It was what kept them from saying those three all-important words. It was as if their relationship was just this side of surreal and saying the words would make what they had tangible.
Everything was fine... until someone found out. Jack had been suspicious for quite some time. An inconsistent detail in a mission report here, a suspicious-looking mark there. A contact sent him an envelope containing some compromising photographs of Sydney and Sark at a café in Venice, one of them holding hands, another of Sark planting a kiss on Sydney's bare shoulder. How could she!? And with Sark of all people! He tortured her friend Will! He has no regard for human life! He was Irina's right-hand man, for god's sake! Quite dismayed by his discovery, Jack came to her house and showed her the damning photos. Why? his eyes seemed to ask behind the ever-present stony countenance. Sydney didn't have any answers for him beyond tears and heart-wrenching sobs.
Vaughn had take the liberty of investigating Sydney behind her back, as he had become suspicious, as well, and received the same photographs. The photograph that made Vaughn's blood boil the most wasn't the one where Sark kissed Sydney's shoulder, but the one where they were holding hands across the table. And it wasn't merely the hand-holding, but the look on the subjects' faces. They say a picture is worth a thousand words; Vaughn only saw one. Love. Sydney was in love with Sark. It hit him like a punch to the gut. It didn't matter that he had Lauren, he was jealous beyond all reason that Sydney had chosen a monster like Sark over him. Sydney's words were suddenly coming back to haunt him. If it had been me, I would have waited. But, he hadn't, and now he was paying the price, and the cost was so much more than he could bear.
Vaughn came to Sydney's house, much in the same way Jack had, except his fury was like a storm that could be felt from miles away. He thrust the incriminating photographs into her face. His furious eyes said, How could you!? Her livid, steely gaze countered, I don't have to explain myself to you. Not. Ever.
Night lift up the shades let light in the brilliant morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
It's all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes
Sydney was suddenly determined to end her relationship with Sark. As much as she didn't want to admit it, Vaughn and her father were right; no good could come from associating with an internationally-wanted terrorist/assassin. She decided then and there that she would break it off with Sark before it was too late for her to get out. What she didn't realize was that she was already in too deep.
How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see
The more Sydney thought about it, the more she realized that she had been kidding herself into believing Jul—Sark loved her. Oh, god, I'm already starting to think of him as "Julian." Someone like him couldn't possibly love, could they? She prepared a grand speech to break it off with him, detailing why their relationship couldn't continue. But, when she saw him, she forgot everything but the way his eyes held promise of things undone, of things to come, the taste of his lips, the feel of his caress, the feel of him inside her, the way he whispered her name in the dark of night.
Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched me as I floundered
Unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
But you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places
Create an oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
You leave me here burning in this desert without you
Sydney slammed the front door of her house. What the hell is your problem, Bristow!? All you had to do was say, "It's over!" What went wrong? Oh, right, I saw Julian—Sark, dammit!—and everything went out the window! If you're going to break up with him, you have to get a grip! The scary thing was…a part of her didn't want to get a grip, wanted to drown in Sark's deep blue eyes, his presence, his kiss.
The next time she saw Sark, she again attempted to end it. And, again, it went the opposite way it was supposed to. What IS it with you, Bristow!? Why is this so hard for you!? That's right, it's because it's Julian. With Danny and Vaughn, it would've been so easy to end it with them because they never knew the real you. Danny only knew Sydney, who was the grad student, who wanted to teach just like her mother, not Agent Bristow. Vaughn knew Sydney and Agent Bristow, the agent who struggled with living a lie, but he never really knew the real Sydney, the passionate, dark, fragile, scared woman inside. Julian's the only one who knew all parts of you, who understood the darkness within you, and loved you for who you were, who just loved you. If either Danny or Vaughn had truly known all of you, there was no guarantee that they wouldn't have run away, screaming into the night.
How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see
With the realization that Julian well and truly loved her, Sydney realized she had to end it before she got in any deeper. Even if it killed her. This can't go on any longer. You can't bear to lose another man that you love. It will destroy what's left of the battle-scarred heart you have.
Everything changes everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
Deep in my senses I know
No wonder they say love makes you stupid. It honestly does. It clears your mind of all rational thought. It makes you lose control. It makes you forget the other person's transgressions, which may have been considerable and many. It makes you forget who and what you are. In the case of spies on opposite sides of the law, losing control and forgetting who and what you and the one you love are could be fatal.
How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see
My dad and Vaughn are right. Being with Sark will only be lethal. It might not be now, but sometime in the future, loving Sark will get you killed. So, suck it up, Bristow! You can do this! You have to do this!
How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see
Sydney picked up her cell phone and dialed the ever-familiar number.
"Sark, we need to talk. Is now a good time?"
She didn't even hear the sound of her heart breaking.
End...for now
ETA: I will try to get the next chap of this up soon. And "soon" is a rather relative term in my world, so it could be awhile.
Reviews
mountaineer143: Thanks! Yes, it will continue! See above.
boombaibe: blush Thanks! Glad you liked the ending, even if it was angsty. I wouldn't want to break it off, either, but, such is Sydney's life. See above.
Ren201: Glad you liked the ending. You're not the only one who quoted it. See above. Yes, it is, unfortunately.
kitty-kat12: "Awesome"? blush See above.
sarkalias12: "Absolutely awesome"? blush Glad you like it! That is what I was trying to capture in the story. See above.
cruzstar: Thanks!
Lozz422: "Fantastic"? blush It was originally, but now it's not! Oh, you'll hear his side of the story in the next chap... See above.
MrsJulianLazarey: Exactly. "Wonderful"? blush You'll have to wait a little whilefor the next part. That seems to be everyone's favorite part. Oh, there is much angst to come in this story. I enjoyed writing the sweet parts of the story, especially the café in Venice. Don't we all? See above. Eh, don't know if it'll be happier or not. We'll see.
Crimson Snow-kasha1: Glad you liked it. Oops! Fixed now! Thanks for telling me!
jaden nighthawk: Hi, there, back! Glad you like it so much! See above.
Spookyslayer: What's not to love about Sarkney? Glad you like it so much! See above.
M.B. (Meghan): Glad you like it! See above.
jaka ray: Yes, poor Sark, and stupid Jack and Vaughn. What can I say, I like the angst. Oh, oops. Thanks for pointing that out. glares at others who missed that grammar goof