I'm sorry.
.
.
"Mommy, why was mama crying?"
The question comes out of nowhere, as a slice of pineapple pizza is halfway to the little girl's lips. Arizona tries not to let them eat takeout too often - and pizza night is usually only on the weekend - but after a long three days in court, it felt like the best option.
And they'd been having a good evening - Sofia's tales of playing with Amelia and Zola, and her infectious laughter when she discovered a ladybug in the car and let it crawl up her arm almost making Arizona forget about what had transpired earlier in the day. Almost alleviating the heavy feeling that had settled in her heart ever since that gavel had come down in the courtroom.
She was happy, yes - she was overjoyed that her baby girl wouldn't be leaving, that she won the right to keep her daughter with her. She was relieved, felt vindicated even, that nobody could say she wasn't Sofia's real mother anymore. That she wasn't 'nothing'.
And she was angry - angry at Callie for having started all of this, angry at Callie for letting her lawyer say those awful things about her and letting her insinuate that she didn't love their child. Angry at Callie for loving Penny in the first place.
But still...Arizona was heartbroken. Because she knew that the other woman was absolutely destroyed.
There really were no winners today.
"Mommy?"
Her delayed reaction has the little girl questioning her again, and she blinks once, willing the tears back as she looks across the table.
"Did mama talk to you at all when she came back to Aunt Meredith's house?"
Sofia's brow furrows just a little, and Arizona can see the confusion in her eyes - she knows the last few weeks, and the last three days especially, have been hard on her. Children pick up on everything, and she knows the tension that both she and Callie have been carrying around had rubbed off on their daughter.
"She was being weird. She kept saying she loves me. And she hugged me a super long time again, she was squishing me."
"We..."
The blonde doesn't even know where to begin. How do you explain what transpired today to a six-year-old? This is a conversation both her and Callie need to be here for.
"It was a really, really hard day for mama and me. And she just...mama loves you so much, Sofia."
"I know."
She takes another bite of her pizza, chewing slowly, and a moment later she speaks again.
"Does mama love Penny more than me? Is that why she wants to go to New York with her?"
Arizona can feel her stomach drop, a nauseating feeling clenching in her gut. Callie had sworn they hadn't mentioned New York to Sofia - that she wasn't telling her anything, wasn't going to talk about with her until they figured things out and could down together for a conversation. And Arizona trusted that.
But just as children pick up on the moods of the adults surrounding them...they pick up on words. They interpret conversations. Children are always listening and they understand far more than grownups give them credit for.
"Oh, sweetie...no."
She reaches across the table, softly brushing the baby hairs from her daughter's forehead.
"There is no one your mama loves more than you, okay? I promise. No one. That will never change."
Dark brown eyes gaze up at her mother, and she nods once, looking down again and picking a piece of pineapple off her plate.
"I wish mama still loved you, mommy."
Arizona looks down at the half-eaten pizza on her own plate, her appetite long gone, and a painful rush of emotions clenches at her heart. She glances up, watching the beautiful, smart little girl in front of her - the little girl that is hers, hers and Callie's - and despite the hurt she feels, she knows that in the end...that's really all she wishes too. That they could go back a few years. That they could just be a family again. That they had never reached this point in the first place.
"Me too, sweetie. Me too."
.
.
"You haven't lost her, Callie."
Meredith knows her words hold little meaning right now - that nothing can really offer comfort to a mother who has just lost the fight for her child - but as her friend sobs in her arms she has to offer up something...anything.
Penny had left shortly after Arizona picked up Sofia - Callie had told her to go, to just go, that she needed to be alone right now. But when Meredith had tried to let the brunette go as well, Callie had simply clung to her. Meredith isn't sure when the two of them became such good friends, but somehow they have, and so here she is on her couch with the other woman still crying and clinging to her like a lifeline.
And she doesn't mind. She knows that Callie needs a person.
"I've lost everything. I lost custody of my child. How did this happen to me? What is wrong with me?"
The brunette wipes at her eyes, finally taking a few ragged breaths and leaning back into the couch cushions. The pain is written deeply on her face. It's heartbreaking.
And yet, Meredith knows that today would have been heartbreaking either way. She can't fault Arizona for fighting with everything she had; she's Sofia's mother too. There were no winners here.
"Arizona isn't going to keep her from you, Callie. You know she won't."
"I never thought she would win."
And there's the crux of it.
Callie really didn't think Arizona would win this fight. She didn't think she would start it, to be honest - which in hindsight, she realizes was naïve, because she knows the other woman loves their daughter with a ferocity, with her entire being. She knows this, and yet.
She let herself believe that Arizona wouldn't fight.
She'd been so wrapped up in Penny, and loving Penny, and wanting to move on with her life and finally, finally having a shot at happiness again without the constant reminder of her ex-wife in every corner of Seattle, that she'd truly let herself believe that risking her daughter was worth it. That the risk wasn't real.
But nothing was worth this. And it is suddenly all too real.
"I just want to be happy."
When Callie speaks again her voice is quiet, pained, and almost...resigned to sadness. Like she's given up. It reminds Meredith of so many moments from her own life - and she gets it. She understands feeling like everything in your life is against you.
"I don't want to love her anymore, but I can't. And now I've lost Sofia and I've lost..."
She chokes on a sob again, burrowing her face into her hands, and Meredith can only run a hand soothingly along her upper back.
"You can't help who you love. And you and Penny will find a way to make it work so you don't have to leave Sofia..."
"Not Penny - Arizona. I don't want to love Arizona any more."
And if her friend had suspected anything before that moment, she didn't let on. Callie doesn't even know if she truly realized it herself until last night, until all of this started. She'd been fighting so hard to be happy and to love Penny, and to forge a new family for herself that was free of the complications of her past, that she hadn't recognized the small part of her heart that was still held by the blonde peds surgeon.
And now, she realizes, that small part has also been ripped away from her. She has lost everything.
And she doesn't even recognize herself anymore. She misses her family. And she misses her friendship with Arizona. And she knows she still loves Penny too, in a way, but all she can think about right now is the fact that her daughter and her ex-wife are together and she's here. She's alone, again.
And this is never what she wanted.
.