Hey Guys… This is my First GG's Fic (to be posted anyways LOL) so please be gentle! Constructive criticism is more than welcome.

The first chapter is a song fic, but the rest won't be! The song is "Mouth Shut" by the Veronicas.

Mouth Shut.

I kept my mouth shut from the start

I guess I left you in the dark

Lorelai sighed as she walked away. The initial sound it made to her ears was that of resolve, of closure. However the slight choking gasp that followed definitely showed weakness. Weakness, sadness and love.

You thought you knew me but you don't

You say you love me but you won't

When you find out who I am

She pulled her cardigan closed over her body to stop the slight shaking in her hands. Then feeling as though the simple gesture would not do, she wrapped her arms around her body as if to ward off the cold, while willing herself not to cry. 'Must not cry' she thought stubbornly, as though trying to put on a brave face. As if the infliction was as simple and everyday as a stub of the toe or a scrape on the knee. 'Must not cry' she kept repeating over in her head. But even as she willed herself not to, she found her hands move to her face to swat at the moisture that had begun to run silently down her cheeks. 'Must not cry' she willed again.

I kept my mouth shut for to long

Although I knew that it was wrong

She walked through Stars Hollows animated streets. Even though it was after nine at night, many people were still about. To her right Patty was teaching her evening couples yoga class. (Also known as "Karma Sutra for dummies") Andrew and Gypsy having a heated debate over who was the hotter desperate housewife, Taylor Rattling onto some poor kid who had the audacity to run on the sidewalk and Babbette gas-bagging to "east-side- Tilly" about the latest gossip. She saw Patty look over at her and sive a wave. Lorelai smiled in return, but knew the smile did not reach her eyes. Patty however did not notice this as one of her couples had taken a tumble from their position and landed in a heap on the floor, causing her to look away from Lorelai. That connection lost, the smile on her face darkened again as her eyes blurred over once more. She blinked back the tears this time as she continued to trudge through the streets of Stars hollow one foot in front of the other... one step further, then another, then another. Her movements were mechanical, she had no control. She did however manage to turn around and sneak a peek behind her.

And now we're in this way too far

And i'm about to break your heart

Tear everything we had apart

He hadn't moved yet, obviously still baffled by her sudden outburst, resulting in her departure. He stared longingly after her, the light from the diner behind him, illuminating his silhouette. She saw him take his hat off and run his hand through his hair, as was his custom when he was frustrated or confused. Her eyes didn't leave him for what seemed like a whole minute, but was really only a second or two as he returned his cap and stood tall once again. As he straightened his back, his eye caught hers briefly capturing the look of longing and sadness. He looked for a moment, like he was about to start after her, but when he hesitated Lorelai turned her head around once more and kept on walking.

'Cos i'm feeling lost

Lying numb in your arms

The reasons are gone

For why I was holding on to you

She resisted the urge to run away, keeping a steady pace. She resisted the urge to turn around and bury herself in his strong arms. She resisted the urge to cry. Because how do you deal when the man you love doesn't want to marry you.

I tried so hard

To be the one

I don't like who i've become.

She made her way slowly up the path, not caring that her new shoes were sinking into the grass outside the Gilmore household. She hesitated when she was about to place her foot on the bottom step because she knew that once she was inside she would not be able to escape him. This house that had been so faithful, so comforting to her and her daughter for so many years, was now as much his home as it was theirs. She hadn't noticed before, but everything, every tiny little thing that he had done in preparation for the two of them to call this house their own, now shone brightly in her mind. , from the actual extension that protruded above, to the simple nail he placed in the wall on the inside of the door (for her keys, as she was forever loosing them) from the banister inside that he had spent days sanding back and painting, to the new shelfs in the hallway. The lose floorboard in the kitchen (that the Gilmore girls had nicknamed "creaky" years before, as it had always been loose) to the mesh wiring he had placed over the rain gutters, so she would never have to get him to clean her rain gutters again. All of these things served her as reminders of what was, would have been, and now, sadly, could never be.

Won't keep my mouth shut anymore

I've had my share, i'm closing doors

Turning away from the house, she walked slowly towards her car... right now she needed was someone to talk to, should she feel the need, but she needed the comfort of someone who would simply hold her and let her cry, for that was all she felt she was capable of. She couldn't go to Sookie, having already spent the previous night on her couch, in tears, and Rory was throwing a going away party for Logan... so who could she turn to?

Christopher.

And now you know i'm not afraid

I know exactly what you'll say

Well i'm sorry it's too late

Remembering his speech, not two hours before about how he 'had her back' and she had his (gosh, was that really only two hours ago?) she quickly dismissed that idea though as she thought of how he might take her showing up in the middle of the night (because by the time she got there it would BE the middle of the night) he might think that this was an opportunity to take advantage of the situation- or he might just be of no support what-so-ever with the 'I told you so's" and pitying looks. "Poor Little Lorelai" "she Picked the wrong guy again" "this never would have happened if she married me" in quite the predicament, she moved back towards the house, settling on the porch. she then sat on the swing chair trying her hardest to keep it all in. she failed this however once she remembered that night he gave her, her engagement ring (which she supposed she would have to take off now) and the time they spent basking in the afterglow of what had been a quick, passionate and somewhat impromptu lovemaking session, right there on the very swing. The fact that it could have been a public show, was not lost on the lovers (well, with neighbours like Babbette, everything you did was a public show) but it only seemed to heighten the pleasure.

Cos i'm feeling lost

Laying numb in your arms

The reasons are gone

For why I was holding on to you

I've tried so hard, to be the one

Tears tracked down her cheeks and quickly turned into silent sobs as Lorelai realised that for as long as this man was still in her heart, he was so much apart of her, and she could never escape that. She lay her head down on the chair besides her, her heart shattering into thousands of tiny pieces as she cried tears for the man she loved.

The wash of tears seemed to trickle down her face as though someone had left the faucet on in her eyes, and yet- they didn't stop. she thought about what it was that he would be doing as she was crying her eyes out, her heart ripped open - and remembered that look upon his face as she had walked away... hurt, confusion, frustration and anger. He was angry... at her... what right did he have to be mad at her? After all she was the one who was suffering. She was the one who had been pushed out of their 'couple life' as if she were nothing. Instead of being the one he could turn to in his hour of need he turned away and thought nothing of it.

Well no more...

She was determined, now more than ever to not be 'That girl' the one who cries and falls apart. She was a great woman and a damn strong one at that. Wallowing in self pity would not help that. She needed to be strong. Stronger than the woman she had become over the last four months. stronger than the lost little girl she had been when she had run away from home, stronger that the fiancé of the man who had no intention of making her a part of his future, stronger than she had been since his initial indiscretion when she had found out about his daughter, stronger than the woman who had allowed, no, offered to postpone their wedding because she didn't know what else to do.

Her momentary bout of confidence was cut short by the sight of his flannel shirt hanging over the porch railing. She had come to wear it more often now - almost every night, as if to try and fill the void that he left when he would no longer sleep beside her - instead, opting to stay at the apartment under the pretence of 'early deliveries'. It wasn't the fact that she didn't believe him about these deliveries, on the contrary- she basically knew his delivery schedule as well as he did. She just hated the fact that he had now used it many times, where as before he would think nothing of coming to the house affectionately known as 'the crap shack' after midnight sometimes if he had been at the diner late - and he would have no queries about getting up just 5 minutes earlier to be at the diner to meet the bread guy, or the meat guy, or Jackson... whoever was showing up with early deliveries. that first night when he had used the cover of 'early deliveries' she had cried herself to sleep silently as she bundled herself in that very same flannel shirt (the one she had worn the morning after they had first made love) under the proviso that it had smelt like him, and offered her the comfort and the warmth that he did - to an extent. The shirt had come to be her favourite - and he knew he would never wear it again because she had claimed it as her own.

The shirt fluttered slightly in the wind as she remembered why it had been placed there in the first place. After coming home from Sookie's that morning and after hiding from him. She simply slipped on the shirt willing it to give her the comfort that she so desperately craved. It had- for a short amount of time... until she had spilt her coffee on it. She quickly rinsed it in the sink, before hanging it on the railing wanting it to be dry for her to wear tonight.

She couldn't take it anymore... she had to get out... she had to get away from this place, this house, this town.

She wiped furiously at the tears that tried to escape and headed towards her jeep.

I don't like who I've become

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a knock on his door. Rising from the couch, he went to answer it as he wondered who it was that was calling by so late. He opened the door to a develished looking Lorelai. Her eyes were red and puffy- and her clothing was rumpled, obviously from the drive from Stars hollow to Boston. Momentary panic stuck him as he wondered all the possibilities that would bring her to his door. Was it Rory? Or perhaps Emily and Richard. All the questions came to a halt when he realised that he would not be the first person she would turn to if that was the case.

Lorelai didn't break down at the sight of Christopher, instead she simply stated - her voice dry from crying- "hey."

"hey." he replied.

"I had a really crappy night. I just need someone to talk to." She stated more than she asked.

He immediately moved aside to allow his friend to enter the apartment. Knowing that his supply of Tequila was about to be seriously diminished.

"Daddy?" she heard the little voice speak.

Her mind instantly reeled, revelling in the dream that was about to play in her head. the one where the little voice continued to ask her father all sorts of inquisitive questions which would proceed to stump Luke with thoughts like 'where the hell do all these questions come from' and 'how the hell did I get a daughter that is so smart she can even stump me?' and Lorelai would sit at the counter of the diner and giggle as Luke would proceed to get flustered and try to answer their daughters questions. The favourite of Lorelai's among them being the 'where do baby's come from?' which produced the usually so callous and abrupt man to blush and act all shy before answering her with a simple "from the stork"

But the dream didn't play. Instead her eyes stayed dark as she realised that she was, infact, awake but had not opened her eyes. She heard the little voice again asking

"Who's that?"

It wasn't until she heard the familiar voice answer his daughter "that's your Aunty Lorelai." that she realised where she was. And why the sheets she had wrapped herself in through the night felt so unfamiliar.

"Ssshhh, lets not wake her" he continued as Lorelai preyed to the lord that she was not naked under the sheets... a quick gesture with her arms told her that she wasn't and relief flooded through her veins. But why was she here? In this strange apartment in Christopher's bed? Realisation dawned on her when she recalled what had transpired last night. The break-up. The fight. The tears, the tequila and she vaguely remembered having Christopher put her to bed, whilst mumbling something about him taking the couch... she hoped.

She quickly got up out of bed ignoring the pounding in her head and made her way out to his living room.

the rumpled sheets and a pyjama clad Christopher were enough to reassure her that he had indeed slept on the couch and she released a breath she didn't know she was holding.

"Morning Sunshine..." he stated when he noticed her in the doorway.

"Hey" she replied - finding her voice a bit gravely as she realised her throat was insanely dry.

"Feeling any better' he asked friendly

"Mmm... I don't think so. As good of an idea it seems at the time - Tequila sure doesn't help the next day."

He laughed; glad to see that she had at least been feeling well enough to crack a joke.

"Ya, well... they should put that on the bottle." he quipped back.

"Listen, Chris... I just want to thankyou for listening to me last night. And giving me a place to sleep. I really didn't mean to kick you out of your bed." she indicated to the couch that was covered in sheets.

"Na, its okay. It's actually good for me to sleep on the couch every once and a while. Reminds me of why I don't do it more often."

She laughed briefly but the smile did not reach her eyes.

"Hey, he asked. Walking over to her "you gonna be okay?"

"Maybe... just not right now. I really need to get home. Thanks again."

"Okay... you call me if you need anything, day or night. Just call"

Okay. Thanks"

"Your welcome"

The drive home seemed to fly by. As she turned into Stars Hollow she willed herself not to look as she passed the diner, willing herself not to look back she drove into the driveway, exited the car and went up the porch steps. Her hand rested on the doorknob and she found that she didn't yet have the courage to enter. Instead she made her way over to the swing once more and laid her head down on the soft pillow.

She awoke what seemed like minutes later. Not being one to wear a watch, she had no idea of the time, only that it was early and she had fallen asleep on the porch swing in an uncomfortable position, as her neck was killing her.

The sound of his Truck coming up the driveway woke her from her fitful slumber. Lorelai had almost forgotten the events of the previous night, and felt the surge of love and devotion she usually felt when he arrived home. However, the pain in her neck reminded her of where she had slept last night, and why it was that she had somehow cried herself into exhaustion, and the feeling burned more that it felt good. She sat up and watched as he got out of his truck, noticing how incredibly full the tray was, and focused on his face as he walked up the path. He had a look of determination on it as well as the feint signs of sleeplessness, as if he had been up all night.

And indeed, he had. Sometime in the ten minutes after she had walked away from him, he had been struck with the ability to finally make a move. He got into his truck and began the quick drive to her place. Her place... he backtracked his thoughts and sighed. Since when did he return to calling it 'her place'? Wasn't it 'their place' wasn't that the idea of living together?

"But you haven't been, you fool" his mind answered, truthfully. Seriously, when was the last night he had spent there? Not last night, because April was at the diner till late, not the night before, because Anna had asked him to Woodbridge for dinner. And not the night before that, as he had closed up late at the diner, and thought the idea of waking her was preposterous, especially since he had his old place right above the diner. He sighed as he realised that she had been right. He had been shutting her out, forgetting that, as partners, they were in this together. Those were the words he had used when he convinced her to open up and talk to him about all her Rory problems. He wanted to help; he needed to be let into her mindset, to understand what she was feeling to help her deal with it. He had pestered her about it, even got into an argument with her about it, and he specifically remembered himself ranting on and on about how- "she had to let him in" and "help her deal" with the situation. And it wasn't until this fight, that had sent them basically yelling at each other for her to finally cave. He remembered how she had broken down in his arms, babbling on about how she was a terrible mother, and that she couldn't handle it. He had simply stroked her back and kissed her forehead as he listened to her words, glad that she had finally let go of all this pent up sadness, confusion and frustration. He had made her promise that from that moment on, she had to talk about her feelings- even if it hurt. He had made her promise. Then he had gone and done the exact thing that he had gotten mad at her for doing. He had shut her out- feeling the need to deal with this on his own. Hell, he lied to her for months about April- Not telling her about anything. Shutting her down when she made a suggestion or spoke about how HE should talk to her about it. He was convinced that this was what he had to do. He had to deal with this situation on his own, not realising how his actions had slowly broken the woman he loved.

He sighed as he remembered her great suggestion for a birthday present, and how he had completely dismissed the idea, and how harsh he had spoken to her. But she had bought her a different gift, one that she had LOVED, purely to save him from embarrassment. He should have felt offended when April had unravelled her gift, but he didn't, he felt so grateful for the woman beside him, he almost forgot about how he had crushed her heart by postponing the wedding.

He remembered their conversation in the vineyard, how she had voiced her feelings to him about their impending nuptials. Or the fear of them not becoming impending, as it were. What had he done then? Saying that he loved her and that they were having lobster at their wedding? What the hell was that? He needed to SHOW her how he felt. To show her how much he needed her in his life. He should have dragged out his calendar and pointed at a specific day and said "then… That's when we are getting married" but he didn't…. he said the 'Love' and the "lobster' thing… but that was not enough. Why else would she have told him that he needed to tell her he loved her more often? 'Because you haven't been saying it enough' the little voice inside his head answered. that was the last straw... he had to PROVE his love for her, had to show her that he was ALL in and that he could be who she wanted him to be.. He hoisted the truck around and began thinking to himself what kinds of things do you need to bring to get married? 'Screw it' he thought... 'Ill just pack it all'.

Which is exactly what he did? He packed the truck well into the night thinking of all the places that they could go to get married. Places that Lorelai AND Rory would like, as they would no doubt be stopping at Yale to pick up his soon-to-be step daughter... That was the one request she had made when the elopement talk had ensued before. Then he thought that they could pick up April on the way as well... so that both of their daughters could be included in their marriage. Maybe they could use this excuse as the ice-breaker into Lorelai and April's new Step-mother/Step-Daughter relationship.

So he packed for four, and when the sun had risen, he rang around to a few places (thank god for 24-hour reception staff) to see what was available. Grinning all the while.

His heart stopped however, when he approached her that morning she was still in the dress and sweater he had seen on her the night before and all around her eyes were puffy and red, as if she had been crying all night. He quickly pushed that thought from his mind as he knew that the knowledge that he had caused those tears was too much to bear. He reached out to take her hand in his and said;

"Let's Go."

Lorelai, startled with the tone of his voice pulled her hands out of reach, ignoring the pained look on his face as she did so, and replied

"Go? Go where?"

"Anywhere. Lets get married..." Luke said in one breath, terrified of her reaction, which remained unreadable.

"But... Last Night..."" She looked up at him with new tears forming in her eyes.

"I know what I said last night, but I was wrong. You were right. You were right about everything. I need to think quicker, I need to react sooner. We need to do this. I'm ready now... I've always been ready." Luke answered quietly afraid that she would turn on her heel and leave him in pieces on the porch. He deserved that, but he wouldn't be able to go on living if it came to that.

"What about April." she Asked quietly, remembering the reasoning he gave her last night about why he couldn't jump.

"You were right about that too. I haven't been fair. It wasn't right for me to use her as an excuse, and it wasn't right for me to have kept her from you for so long, only to expect you to drop everything when I needed help. You should have been there; I should have told you about her, from the start, you should have been getting to know her with me, helping me, guiding me. Because I need it. Your light, your guidance, your love. Most of all I need your love." he was rambling on now, as was his custom when he needed to get something off his chest.

"Luke..." she tried to interject.

"No, just let me finish" he Stopped her. "I Love you. And I know i've been a bad Fiancé", don't deny it, I have. But Im here now. You have all of me now, and we should leave today and get married, because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you, Lorelai. And I will say it every day, a thousand times just to prove to you that i'm in this. All in." He breathed, waiting for her to respond, to reply to him...

"I'm sorry." She said, barely above a whisper.

"What?" he asked, unable to hear her whispered apology. Lorelai Sniffed and cleared her throat as fresh tears formed in her eyes.

"I'm Sorry." she repeated louder this time. "I'm Sorry Luke, but I can't."

"Cant...?" he started, not believing what he was hearing.

"I can't do this anymore. This hurt thing, it kills me every time. Then you try to make it better, and everything is okay for a while, then it goes back, exactly the way it was before, only this time it hurts so much more. I can't take it any more. I'm Sorry." Lorelai was unable to hold back the tears now as they ran freely down her face. It was killing him to hear these words coming from her mouth, but it was killing him more to know that he was the reason she was hurting.

"But... " He gasped, unable to move. "I Love you." His own eyes began to fog slightly as he declared his love.

"And I love you. More than you could possibly ever know." She stated, quite calmly, despite the vast amount of tears falling over her cheeks.

"But sometimes, Love just isn't enough." she swiped at her tears, willing them to go away, as she watched his face fall further. The look on it, breaking her heart so much that she just wanted to take back what she had said and fall into his arms.

"I Tried calling you last night… where were you?" He begged.

"I was at Christopher's." She stated simply. Not alluding to the fact that she had indeed stayed the night at Christopher's, but not in the way he evidently thought as the look of hurt on his face became angry. She wanted to tell him that it was innocent, that while she had slept in Christopher's bed, he had not. But a part of her wanted him to think that she had hurt him. She knew it was selfish and pathetic, but at that moment she wanted nothing more than to hurt him like he had hurt her.

The look on his face was proof enough that he didn't trust her.

She wanted to throw herself into his arms and feel him kiss her lips once more, assuring him that she loved him, but instead she took one last look before turning away, catching his eyes briefly, and went inside.

In those brief seconds, her mind Flashed through everything she had ever dreamed of. . Love, Comfort, Safety... they were all just words now. The sentiments behind them shattered as she thought now of what she wouldnt have. The kids that she so desperately wanted... Gone. The man she loved more than anything- Gone. Her middle, her perfect middle with the Clichéd "Love you forever, white picket fence with the 2.3 kids, grow old together" middle- Gone. Luke, her Luke, her coffee god, her best friend, her grump, her sweet, caring, adoring Luke- Gone.

She heard his truck start up in the driveway and reverse out. Only then, when she was behind the door did she allow her knees to give way and her body wrack with sobs as she leaned against the door for support.

Cos i'm feeling lost

Laying numb in your arms

The reasons are gone

For why I was holding on to you

I've tried so hard, to be the one

I don't like who I've Become

Well? Thoughts? Please give me feedback!