I'm not dead, I promise. I just got my laptop back. :x I'm not really sure what prompted me to write this, I've just been really sad for the past two hours. I figured I should channel it somewhere.

Why is it that I can still remember the touch of your fingertips on my skin? The depth and vividness of your eyes when you would look at nothing else but me. You had this habit of lightly touching my back when you could sense that something was on my mind, and it was just to remind me that you were there, not that I needed to speak. I shouldn't have taken such little things for granted. You knew each and every one of my limits to the most precise degree. You knew exactly how soft to make your voice when you would wake me up in the morning. You could get the water to the perfect temperature in a way that even I couldn't do. It had to be some kind of natural instinct in you, and if I searched for a million years I would never find someone who could get me to that kind of peace again. I could try but I wouldn't find someone who could thread their fingers through my hair as gently as yours. I wouldn't find someone whose smile had the power to make my heart skip over and over. There is nobody out there who could ever get through to me the way you did. Nobody who would sink into the darkest depths along side me. I wonder how many times you stood by my side and thought you weren't enough.. or how many times you doubted my feelings because I couldn't force them to leave my lips. Regrets are such heavy burdens to bare.

Hey... do you think there's a way to turn back time? Do you think I could go back and fix things? If there was, I would rewind these past few years infinitely for the rest of eternity. I would spill every word in my soul to you, and if I ran out of things to say, I would take your hand and hold it close. If it would just remind you one more time, I would go to the ends of the earth. If it meant I could see your smile again, I would abandon my selfish desires.. each one of them. If I could just feel your arms around me surrounding me with warmth, I think that it would be enough to get me through the night. If I could just feel the bed sink a bit on your side, I would be able to close my eyes and let sleep take me without a struggle. If I could feel your body next to mine, maybe this hollow feeling would disappear.

Makoto... could you let me be selfish just one more time?

Could I ask you to do one last thing for me?

Please stay.

Don't ever leave my side.

Please don't leave me alone in this world.

Don't stop breathing, not before I do.

Don't you dare close your eyes and not open them again. I haven't gotten my fill yet. There's no way I could be finished. There is nothing complete about this life without you in it.

Do you hear me? Where ever you are, do you hear my selfish desires?

Take my hand like you always do. Reach out to me just like in my memories. Your fingers, your skin, your smile, the sound of your voice; I don't want them to fade.

...

Makoto.

What did your voice sound like when you called my name?

Did it have the same sweet chime to it? Did it linger on my eardrums for a moment, as if it couldn't have come from a more perfect pitch? Did you say my name often? I let myself believe you did... because your name falls from my lips so effortlessly. Like I've been saying it my entire life. Like I planned to say it for the rest of time.

"Haru..."

Was that how it sounded?

"Haruka."

Ah... it has to be. Say it again.

"Haruka!"

I'll commit it to memory, I won't let something this soothing escape my thoughts again. I'll replay it over and over until your voice is all I hear. Until you light up my world once again.

"Haruka!"

Maybe I should have asked the water to give you back. The light of my very life. If I were to open my eyes, would I be greeted with something along those sorts? If things worked out differently, if you were able to take a breath, if your heart wasn't still, would my eyes open to the most wonderful sight I could hope for? Would your lips touch mine feverishly like so many times before? Would your hands shiver again? You had a tendency to treat me like I was made of glass, like I was some treasure you had to protect. I wish I could have done the same while I had the chance. I wish I could have told you instead of just assuming you knew.

I wish I could have told you the truth.

"Haru!"

I open my eyes with incredible effort, my vision blurred with tears. I quickly move my hands up to wipe them away but someone grabs my wrists. I blink hard and slowly the room starts to come in clearer. I focus my eyes onto the only color that stands out from the rest.

Green.

"Makoto," my voice is raspy and small, I say the name with disbelief. And it takes just another second before Makoto pulls me close to his chest and wraps his arms around me. He holds me tighter than I could ever remember, his arms shake against my back. He takes a deep breath and I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I lean in closer to his chest and listen to his heart drumming steadily against my ear. My eyes blur again and my hands quiver, the strong grip I have on the fabric of his shirt only makes it worse.

"Makoto," I manage to choke out, pushing myself as close to him as possible. His delicate fingers move through my hair in that sweet gentle way I remembered. His fingertips brush over the skin on my neck just the same as always.

It was the little things.

"It was just another nightmare," Makoto whispers to me, his voice soft and calming, "It's okay."

It was the little things that I lingered over.

"I'm okay, we're okay."

Like his touch and his voice, these little things that he doesn't even realize put me at ease. I push myself back and sit up properly. His eyes widen when he notices just how red my eyes are, but I stop him from saying anything by placing my hands on his cheeks. He smiles.. and my heart skips.

If I could go back...

"Makoto..."

If I could get go back and fix things.

"You are the light in my life."

I would rewind these past few years infinitely.

"You're everything to me."

For the rest of eternity.

"Please don't leave me alone in this world. Promise you'll stay."

I would spill every word in my soul to you.

"I'll always love you."

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