A/N: I know, I know, this idea is really overused. But hey, I thought I'd add a new twist to it. Plus, overused ideas tend to be overused for a reason. They're just so cute and who doesn't love little Allen as a puppet, compliant to Kanda's every whim and need? I'm not really good with the angst and this is my first try at one (which is why I took so long) so please enjoy!
This is dedicated to InfinityOnTheRun! She is the most awesomest person ever because she was my 300th reviewer for Love Letters To My Japanese Soldier Boy! Thank you so much and I hope you enjoy this story! You rock!
Disclaimer: Went to Japan and tried to bargain with Hoshino-sensei for the rights to Kanda and Allen. No such luck.
Death Departed
First there was the moment of shock. Kanda hated the shock. It looked too dramatic and played up to him, and made his stomach roll with disgust. No one had perfected the look more than Lenalee and he couldn't help but hate her when her violet eyes went wide and her lips parted slightly in a perfect 'O'. Shock led to vulnerability and Allen Walker was known for his vulnerability.
Then came the overflowing of emotions. In general, Kanda hated emotions. They were weak and allowed the opponent to guess your every move easily before they were even made. They caused careless mistakes and irrational actions that frustrated him to no end. Allen Walker was a prime example of this. Allen Walker frustrated him.
And finally, the tears. Of all the three, Kanda loathed this part the most. There was nothing worse than tears. Kanda knew that crying did no good. Crying never changed the situation therefore it was useless and a waste of time. Allen Walker cried a lot. He cried on their first mission together and to his irritation, he could never get the picture of the boy's tear-stained face out of his mind.
All around him, people were crying, displaying shock and sadness, and all those other things he hated. He hated that they crowded around Allen as they offered their last condolences.
He himself stared blankly from his place in a corner of Allen's room. When Allen had been brought into the medical care unit, Kanda had demanded to stay and no one dared to argue with him.
At last, it was his turn. Kanda pushed himself from the wall and stumbled a bit, broken and off-tilted.
When he came up to Allen, Kanda dropped next to the bed and held Allen's cold, lifeless hand in his own. His stoic mask cracked slightly as he allowed sadness to fill his eyes. Tears threatened to spill but he blinked them back. Allen Walker wouldn't have wanted to see Kanda break. He knew that much.
"He's gone, Kanda," Lavi whispered solemnly with the emotionless mask he had perfected as part of being a Bookman. He gently pried Kanda's arms off of Allen's still body. "There's nothing we can do now."
Kanda shrugged Lavi off harshly and held Allen's hand closer to his own body like a dying man at sea would hold onto a precious piece of driftwood.
"No, he's not," Kanda whispered fiercely. "He's not gone." A muffled sob resounded in the back of his throat but he choked it down. He did not want to seem weaker than he already was. "Damn it, moyashi! You've escaped death as many as I have! And you've made it through with that damn sickening smile of yours!"
Komui sighed and put a hand on Lavi's shoulder, motioning for him to leave the samurai and the small child alone for now. Lavi nodded, knowing that Kanda would not leave Allen any time soon.
The war was over. The Millennium Earl had fallen along with the Noahs, and true to the prophecies, Allen Walker, the Destroyer of Time had defeated him. The price though, was Allen's own life. In saving the world, he had destroyed his own. It was a poetic ending in a way.
More than a few of Allen's ribs had been broken and some of them had punctured his lungs in various places. His innocence, tired and overused from the battle, could not repair the damage as miraculously as it had in the Asian Branch. Even the little part of the Innocence that had mended his heart was used and it had barely been able to sustain him the trip back to the Order. By then, there was nothing that could be done. The only option was to keep Allen as stable as they could, and simply, wait.
Allen Walker died from internal wounds at the tender age of seventeen after ridding the world of the Noah and the Millennium Earl.
Night had settled and everyone had filed out of the room after giving their condolences. Only Kanda had stayed by Allen's side, mumbling incoherently to the body as if it were still alive.
Members of the CROW and Link Howard stood behind him, waiting for Kanda.
"Yu Kanda," Link said. His face was a blank mask, staring down at him. To Kanda, it was the true face of death staring down at him. "You must leave. We must prepare Allen Walker for the funeral."
Funeral. The word made Kanda's heart speed faster. That single word made Allen's death official and he refused to believe that Allen could die from mortal wounds when the boy had eluded death as much as him. There was no way Allen could die without a fight.
"No!" Kanda shouted, glaring at Link and the rest of the members of the CROW with anger-filled eyes.
His gaze returned to Allen, staring at the boy with as much longing and adoration as he could muster. His large warm hands brushed soothing circles against slender cold ones. The tender gaze hardened and turned back to Link.
"You will not take him away from me, you bastards," Kanda hissed. He glared hatefully at them and pulled Allen into his arms.
Kanda sprinted out of the room faster than anyone could blink. He was the fastest exorcist in the Order but he knew the CROW were not the elite fighting team for nothing.
"Restrain him!" Link ordered. As the CROW members filed out, he let out a tired sigh. Who knew that Kanda Yu, the most emotionless exorcist, would be the one to put up a fight for the innocent child?
Kanda ran into Komui's office and shut the door behind him. It was a fruitless effort however as the CROW members burst through the room, armed for a fight. Kanda snarled at them menacingly and got into a fighting stance. It would be a cold day in hell when Kanda would willingly surrender Allen.
"What is the meaning of this?" Komui frowned, staring up from his work that he was dutifully avoiding.
"Yu Kanda took Mr. Walker's body ("Don't you dare refer to him as that!") before we could prepare it ("What did I just say, you-" Komui quickly sent him a withering look that shut him up) for the burial ceremony," Link stated, a hint of annoyance in his voice. A savage look entered Kanda's eyes and he held Allen's body protectively.
"Howard Link, please leave my office for a moment," Komui said in an authoritative voice.
Since the end of the war, Komui had been given full control of the central headquarters as supervisor due to his support in the war and for finding the savior of the war. His position was elevated higher than that of Leverier's and next to the Pope's in power. Kanda couldn't help but mentally smirk in victory as the CROW grudgingly left.
"Would you like to sit down and explain yourself, Kanda-kun?" Komui commented lightly as if Kanda wasn't holding a dead body in his arms. Kanda didn't move but bowed his head.
"Allen isn't dead," Kanda began, earning him a raised eyebrow from Komui. "He can't die. He's Allen fucking Walker. He's the Destroyer of Time! He killed the fucking Noah and the Millennium Earl! And he came out alive and just as fucking annoying. He can't possibly be dead!"
Komui was shocked that Kanda was so passionate about this. He knew that Kanda and Allen's hate for each other had turned into grudging comradeship as time had passed but he never realized what Kanda's feelings had exactly morphed into. The look in his cobalt eyes, Komui noted with sadness, could only be heartbreak for Allen. Kanda had loved Allen and he refused to admit it to the very end.
"Please, isn't there anything you can do?" Kanda begged. His voice cracked with desperation.
Allen's deathly pale body was clutched in Kanda's protective arms like a lifeless puppet. Komui eyed the body with sadness and stared at Kanda pityingly. It pained him to see one of the strongest exorcists of the Dark Order had broken down to such a pathetic sight.
"There might be something we can try," Komui trailed off. "It's highly risky and Allen wouldn't want-."
"Do it!" Kanda demanded, cutting him off. "Damn it, Komui. You've never hesitated with your fucking crazy experiments and robots! Do it."
Komui opened his mouth to explain some sense into him but he stopped again when he saw the look of madness in Kanda's eyes.
"Fine," Komui sighed. He knelt down and gently pulled Allen away from Kanda's grasp. "This will take a week if it goes well. If not, it might take a month. I'll call you back when he's-," Komui struggled to find the right word that wouldn't send Kanda in a fury, "-ready."
Kanda nodded mutely and stood up as he watched Komui take Allen's body to the Science Department. He backed up until the back of his legs hit the sofa that stood in the middle of the room.
Kanda felt his body sag into the couch. He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted and another one put on him, only this one was much heavier.
When Kanda was called back into Komui's office, he let the tension that had been gathering the entire week release. Komui must have revived Allen; in fact, he was sure of it.
"Kanda-kun," Komui smiled, ignoring work and fraternizing with Lenalee instead. "You're just in time!"
"Cut the crap, you lunatic," Kanda snapped impatiently. "You know why I'm here."
Komui coughed into his fist, "Yes, well. The experiment took less time than I expected but the results were astonishingly good. Lenalee-chan, could you take these files to Bookman please?"
"Okay, nii-san," Lenalee nodded. She turned to Kanda and gave him a sympathetic smile. "I'll see you later, okay?"
Kanda gave her an acknowledging nod but his concentration was still on Komui. As soon as the door closed quietly behind him, Kanda's glare intensified.
"Where is he?" Kanda asked immediately.
Komui sighed, "So impatient these days." He shook his head and 'tsk'-ed but Kanda drew Mugen and pointed it threateningly at him.
"Get him," Kanda hissed, gritting his teeth. "Now."
"Allen-kun, please come in," Komui said. A small boy strolled inside, holding a tray with a steaming mug of coffee in it.
Allen looked exactly like how Kanda had remembered him. He was wearing the gray vest, white shirt, and red ribbon he was so fond of. His pale complexion looked so bright and healthy and a small smile decorated his pink lips.
"Here's your coffee, Supervisor Komui," Allen said, setting the tray down. "Will that be all?"
"Yes, Allen-kun," Komui spoke gently, ruffling the boy's hair fondly. "I'd like you to meet a new friend. His name is Kanda Yu and he's an exorcist just like you."
The boy's silver eyes focused on Kanda and suddenly, all of Kanda's emotions broke free.
"Allen," Kanda whispered. He rushed up to Allen and wrapped him in a tight embrace. Holding Allen's head closer to him, which always fit perfectly in the juncture of his shoulder, he let the overwhelming happiness wash over him. "You're alive. You're really alive."
When the initial happiness had passed, he realized something: Allen was cold. Deathly so.
"Kanda," Allen said slowly as if savoring the name on his tongue. Kanda froze and scrutinized the boy from arm's length. Blank silver eyes stared at him. There was something off with the look in his eyes. He put his ear to Allen's chest and was surprised to hear the whir of machinery and the constant hiss of steam that he had mistaken as a heartbeat. Kanda pushed the boy away from him violently.
That, that thing was not Allen. It was... an abomination.
"You bastard!" Kanda snarled. He glared venomously at Komui ."That is not beansprout! Who-What the hell is he?"
Komui sighed, setting down the mug of coffee and mentally prepared himself for the long argument ahead.
"It was the best I could do," Komui replied solemnly. "There wasn't any way I could revive him but I was able to replace his heart with Innocence and most of his organs with machinery. In a way, he is alive again."
Kanda remembered the first mission that he and Allen had been on together. This was the same exact situation and it infuriated Kanda. Allen had been reduced to nothing more than a puppet.
"He's a fucking doll?" Kanda shouted in outrage. His hand flew toward Mugen again.
"There's nothing else I could have done!" Komui defended. "The only reason I was able to get clearance to attempt this sort of experiment is because we still need him to exterminate the remaining akuma."
That did nothing to soothe Kanda's anger. In fact, the explanation fanned it, making his temper flare out of control.
"Is that all you care about, you crackpot scientist?" Kanda shouted. His face contorted in a look of absolute fury.
"Of course not, Kanda," Komui sighed tiredly. He gave Kanda his most serious gaze. "Listen to me carefully before you make any accusations. You cannot resurrect the dead. You know that Kanda. Allen is gone and this was the best I could do."
Kanda already knew that but hearing it from the supervisor's mouth made it all that much harder to accept.
"Whatever," Kanda snarled, clenching his hands to his sides. He stormed out of the office, slamming the door on his way out.
"Follow him, Allen?" Komui requested. He gave the boy an exhausted look. Allen gave him a bright smile but there was no feeling behind it.
"Yes," Allen nodded and trotted after the older exorcist.
Komui fell into his chair in a broken, tired heap and laced his fingers in prayer. "Forgive me, Allen."
What have I done to you?
Allen didn't understand why the man had pushed him away. He didn't understand the look of fury that had crossed his face. The thought crossed his mind that Kanda might have been angry with him but he dismissed it. He was not meant to process such irrelevant feelings.
Supervisor Komui had told him that his name was Allen Walker and he was exorcist. Any other information other than that was filtered out. He did not know and did not want to know a Lenalee Lee or a Lavi and as far as he was concerned, he did not have feelings nor friends. He was told that he was supposed to be dead. Allen knew what dead meant but it was difficult to picture in his mind.
He focused on the order at hand. The Kanda person seemed to mean something to him and Komui seemed adamant about their encounter.
The map of the Exorcists' Headquarters was implanted in his mind so he knew where Kanda's room was. He knocked on the door and waited for Kanda to open it.
"Hello," Allen said, smiling brightly.
"What the hell do you want, you fucking abomination?" Kanda replied irritably.
"Supervisor Komui said to-," Allen began but Kanda interrupted him with a hateful glare.
"Do what you want," Kanda mumbled, retreating back into his room. Allen quietly slipped in and closed the door behind him. Light reflected off of his silver eyes as he settled himself on Kanda's bed. His gloved hands were folded in his lap.
He watched Kanda move to an empty hourglass on his dresser. It was a curious object to Allen but he felt as if he knew what it was too.
Allen blinked slowly. He stared at the frustrated man in front of him with mild interest. For some reason, he had the faintest notion that he knew the raven-haired youth on a personal level. In fact, everything in this room seemed familiar to him somehow as if he had been here frequently.
"Damn moyashi!" Kanda ranted and paced back and forth furiously, "Why?" He glared at Allen who matched his gaze with impassiveness. Kanda stopped and came over to collapse in Allen's lap.
"Kanda?" Allen asked, staring at the man lying in his lap.
Something snapped inside Kanda when he heard his name on the other's lips.
"You're not him," Kanda murmured. "You're not him but you're all I have left. So comfort me, damn it."
And to his immense surprise, Allen obeyed. He gently threaded his hand into the man's long raven locks and combed through them with a loving caress. Allen's loving caress. His other hand rubbed the older teen's back in circles.
Allen didn't know what had happened but he knew what Kanda wanted and something inside of him wanted to give Kanda what he desired.
Head tilted down, he whispered, "Yes, Kanda. I am not Allen but I can be him for you. I can be your Allen."
Dark, foggy eyes stared at him before he was yanked down and forceful, demanding lips found his.
Allen blinked slowly again and wound his arms unhesitatingly around Kanda's neck. He did not move any further, allowing Kanda full control. Hot lips opened and an equally hot tongue sought his. Tender kisses were pressed against his throat and his collarbone.
Never had Kanda felt something so right and so good in his life. He had wanted, no ached,to kiss, to possess, to cherish this precious being since he had realized he loved Allen Walker. How long had he dreamed to feel the boy's lips against his, sliding in a beautiful dance of ardent love? Suddenly, Kanda froze and fell into Allen's embrace.
"You're not him," Kanda hissed in anguish and disgust. "You can never be him."
Allen did not take this with any anger. He could hardly fathom the emotions that Kanda felt right now. He knew what it was that Kanda needed though.
"I love you, Kanda," Allen whispered, pressing small kiss after small kiss against Kanda's nose, forehead, cheeks, and lips. But they both knew they were empty words. As were the kisses.
Kanda looked around, confused with his surroundings. He was in a field of lavender that reached up to his waist. The sky was a beautiful blue-blue and a gentle breeze swept his hair lazily. He felt an air of calm and serenity. He brushed his hair back and let his eyes shut as he felt the wind tickle him. All of a sudden, he was filled with a cold dark fear. He ran with lightning speed, tearing through the fields.
He needed to find Allen or... or something bad would happen! He didn't know what but the fear engulfed him, swallowing him, spurring him on.
"Moyashi!" he shouted franticly. "Where are you? Moyashi!"
All around him, the field was dying. The flowers wilted as the sun above dipped below, turning the sky a violent shade of red, as red as blood, as red as Allen's curse.
He stopped abruptly. In the middle of a small patch of green was an angel in pure white. Wind played with the angel's pure white hair and in his hands, was a small lavender sprig. Allen turned and smiled at him. Kanda let out a sigh of relief. The calm feeling returned and he felt his heart lift.
"Moyashi," he said, walking forward. "Let's go."
Sapphire eyes widened. Red stained the pure white and the little patch of green quickly wilted along with the rest. Silver orbs widened to the point where it seemed like it hurt and a thin trail of blood dripped from his pale lips. Steam started to rise from the body and Allen's skin seemed to shrivel.
Kanda couldn't move. He stood rooted to the ground as he watched mutely.
"You couldn't save me," Allen mouthed, tears seeping out of rain-colored eyes. "You couldn't save me. W-Why?"
Allen's skin began to rot and fall off, revealing a jumble of rusted machinery and pumping organs. Allen's face was twisted into one of macabre. Kanda could only stare with growing horror. "What have you done to me, Kanda Yu? What have you done to my body?"
The skin had rotted off, the organs had decayed, and the machinery had rusted and falled with clattering clangs. All that was left was a skeleton that vaguely reminded Kanda of an akuma but far worse. The frame swayed and then began to bend and break with a creak.
"No, no," Kanda whispered. He feet finally found the resolve to move and ran toward the falling body. "NO!"
Kanda bolted up, breathing heavily. He turned to his side and stared at the face right next to him. Silver eyes stared at him with confusion and softness.
Such a soft, beautiful silver they were, Kanda mused. He reached out a hand and stroked Allen's baby-soft cheeks.
"Kanda?" Allen inquired, holding Kanda's hand in place. And Kanda had never heard such a lovely voice, whispering to him so tenderly. "Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?"
"Allen?" Kanda felt a relieved smile break out on his face. "Allen? You're alive?"
Allen felt himself being gathered up into the raven-haired man's arms and cradled like a child. He felt himself being held tightly and being rocked in a slow, rhythmic motion. It soothed him for some reason but he didn't know why. He relaxed and curled closer to Kanda.
"Yes, Kanda," Allen said. He reached up his thin arms and hugged Kanda back. Kanda shivered; the boy was freezing cold. Then he realized what had happened the day before and a lump formed in his throat. Allen was dead. Allen was gone.
He stared at the body in his arms with growing disgust.
"Get the hell away from me!" Kanda shouted, pushing Allen to the ground. There was a metallic 'thunk' that made Kanda flinch. How could he have taken comfort from that doll? It made him nauseous to even think about the puppet that was lying on his floor.
Blank eyes stared at the ceiling from his place on the floor. The fall as well as the accusation didn't hurt in the least but Allen felt something in his chest tweak. It was small and barely perceptible so he ignored it. He let out a shuddering sigh.
"No, I'm not," Allen answered truthfully. He sat up and stared at the man huddled on the bed. "But I can be."
Seeing no sign of complaint, he stood up and dusted himself off. He stared at Kanda with loving eyes.
Allen crawled back onto the bed with languid movements. He tentatively raised a hand to touch Kanda's hair. Kanda, having no emotional strength to fight him off, let Allen do as he pleased.
"Did you have a nightmare, Kanda?" Allen whispered tenderly, alternating between patting and stroking Kanda's hair. Emboldened by the man's compliance, Allen hugged him. "It's okay. I'm here. I will love you forever, Kanda. I exist only for you."
And it felt good, too good to have Allen say those words. It felt deliriously wondrous to have Allen love him, even if it was a cruel mockery of the boy. Kanda wanted this little piece of Allen that loved him more than life itself.
"Yu," Kanda corrected quietly. "Call me by my first name."
Allen blinked but nodded. "Yu, go to sleep," Allen murmured softly, "I'll be right here when you wake up."
He pushed Kanda back down and angled himself so that Kanda's arms were around his waist and his head was tucked until Allen's chin.
Kanda shuddered when he heard the muffled whir of machinery. It was nothing like the lullaby Allen would sing sometimes to calm himself when they had been in the Ark but it was soothing and rhythmic in a way.
In the cold embrace, Kanda fell into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.
Kanda woke up cradled in Allen's arms. Monochrome eyes stared softly at him.
"Good morning, Kanda," Allen smiled. "Did you sleep well?" Kanda said nothing and removed himself from Allen's embrace.
"Get up," Kanda spoke gruffly. "We're going to breakfast."
He was in no mood to train in the morning and made a mental note to double his training during afternoon practice.
Allen nodded and dressed himself.
"Come on," Kanda said. Allen followed diligently, always staying two steps behind.
The mess hall was busy since Kanda had slept through the early morning. Allen had never seen so many people before but as he spotted a redhead and a girl with bright violet eyes, he felt a spark and his eyes alighted, as if he knew them.
Everyone stared at him and began to whisper but no one came up to question the two. They knew what had happened. They knew why the boy walked, what fueled his heart, what purpose he was kept alive for. Kanda ignored all these but it made his hands clench every time he heard the words "Allen Walker", "dead", and "Innocence" in the same sentence. He glared daggers at anyone who stared outright at Allen.
Allen was preoccupied with staring at everything and everyone that he didn't know when Kanda had stopped. He bumped softly against Kanda's back and stumbled backward. Instantly, a hand clasped around his wrist, keeping him upright.
"Watch where you're going, beansprout," Kanda said but there was a tiny hint of something wistful, Allen could tell. Kanda stared at their linked hands and dropped his arm like he had been scalded but Allen felt something inside his chest flutter. He dismissed it as the innocence inside his chest flaring.
"The usual," Kanda mumbled. He turned to Allen who watched his moves with mild interest.
"Aren't you going to eat anything?" Kanda asked gruffly.
The android shook his head. "I do not need to eat anymore," Allen replied.
As much as he hated Allen's eating habits, he knew it was another part of Allen that was gone forever.
He sat next to Lavi and Lenalee who greeted them but Kanda knew they were staring at Allen. Allen stared back as Kanda split his chopsticks and began eating. The quiet in the group was stifling but Allen was oblivious and Kanda didn't care. Lenalee seemed to have had enough and broke the silence.
"Allen-kun?" Lenalee asked hesitantly. Kanda stopped eating and watched the white-haired boy.
"You must be Lenalee Lee, an equipment type exorcist," Allen said tonelessly. Kanda could see Lenalee about to burst into tears but instead her lips drew in a tight smile.
"Yes," she acknowledged, her violet eyes softening. "But do you remember anything else?"
"You have a crystallized Innocence," Allen replied with an equal voice.
Kanda ignored the simpering look in her eyes and tried to eat his soba in peace. Allen continued to stare at the other two exorcists until Lavi decided to break the tension again.
"What about me, moyashi-chan?" Lavi smiled, hooking his arms around Allen. "Do you remember me?"
It secretly surprised Kanda when Allen carelessly shrugged off the arm and a look that could have been annoyance passed through his face.
"Lavi, a member of the Bookman clan," Allen answered flawlessly.
"I have to go," Lenalee abruptly stood up and ran out of the mess hall. Lavi tried to smile at them but it ended up as a grimace. He too, excused himself, turned to Lenalee and ran after her. After both exorcists left, Kanda decided to speak up.
"You don't have to be so emotionless," Kanda pointed out.
"What do you mean?" Allen smiled at him. Kanda held Allen's gaze for a moment and opened his mouth to say something but thought against it.
"Nothing," Kanda said and turned back to eating.
It never occurred to him why Allen was acting so nice to him yet so emotionlessly to Lenalee and Lavi.
Kanda didn't feel like leaving Allen alone and he didn't want to leave Allen to Komui so he brought him along to train. The room was mercifully empty, a fact that Kanda silently thanked the gods for; he didn't need any more pity and scorn about his selfish wish to keep Allen.
He had trained for a few minutes before he noticed that Allen had not moved at all.
He suggested they spar together. It had been such a long time since he had a decent sparring partner and in Kanda's mind, sparring with Allen, when the brat's eyes were bright with adrenaline and his body sparkling with sweat was when Allen looked the most appealing.
The android had nodded his approval before activating his Innocence and pulling the Sword of Exorcism from his arm. Likewise, Kanda activated Mugen and smirked. He had not been in a good battle in a long while and he knew just how well the brat could fight.
And secretly, he felt that he could see a semblance of Allen in the fighting style the android used. He let himself forget everything and allowed pure instinct to take over.
"Che," Kanda smirked as he felt alive and happy for the first time since Allen had died, "Is this the best you can do, moyashi?"
"Then I won't hold back," Allen said. Suddenly the attacks sped up and Kanda could hardly keep up. There was a detached coldness to the moves that Allen would never do to attack him but Kanda was busy dodging and attacking that he barely notice it.
Kanda blocked the incoming attacks with Mugen but Allen proved to be much quicker than he was before. It felt exhilarating to fight someone so skilled and soon Kanda forgot about Allen dying, and Allen being replaced by an android. As soon as he saw an opening, he shallowly slashed at Allen's chest.
The skin split and Kanda bit back the bile that rose to his throat. Underneath was a layer of gears and wires intermixed with muscles and organs. It was exactly what Kanda had seen in his dream and it was horrifying. Reality slammed back into his face and he dropped Mugen, holding his other hand against his mouth.
Despite the flesh wound, Allen continued on. Allen's fist went for his chest but Kanda caught it in time with his hand. His other hand held the other's slim wrist.
"Stop!" Kanda commanded. Allen ceased abruptly. He came to a standstill and withdrew into himself again.
"Is there anything wrong, Kanda?" Allen asked calmly.
"You're fucking injured, that is what's wrong," Kanda snapped. Allen stared down at his stomach passively. He didn't seem at all fazed by the gore and what seemed like motor oil pouring out of his cut.
Allen touched the wound with experimental fingers and brought them up to his gaze. "Oh," Allen said.
"'Oh?'" Kanda roared. Fury flashed in his sapphire orbs. "Is that all you can say?" He snatched Allen's wrist and pulled him in the direction of the infirmary. "We're going to get you fixed!"
Allen didn't understand why Kanda had been so mad when he had hurt himself but it made something in his chest grow warm.
A small smile twitched in the corners of Allen's mouth but by the time they were at the infirmary, all traces of Allen's smile were gone.
The war was over, but the Innocence still existed as well as the akuma. Missions were focused more on obtaining the Innocence and killing the remaining akuma.
It had been a long time since he had been on a mission and with Allen of all people. The situation reminded him of their first mission together and it brought a bad taste in mouth. He wanted to get this over with as soon as he could.
"You're going to collect an Innocence found in Sweden," Komui began in his authoritative voice.
Kanda flipped through his mission report absentmindedly and he glanced at Allen who hadn't opened his. It laid innocently in his lap, his gloved hands folded neatly on it.
"Hey, beansprout," Kanda asked, earning Allen's attention, "Aren't you going to read the report?"
"The information has already been uploaded into my brain," Allen informed him. He nodded to Komui who smiled back.
"There might be some akuma left so be on guard when you search," Komui warned. "Be careful, Kanda. You don't have the lotus to heal yourself with."
"Che, I don't need your warning," Kanda retorted and dragged Allen out to the docks.
"Wait, Kanda-kun!" Komui shouted. He turned to Allen. "Do you mind waiting for Kanda outside?"
Allen shook his head and left first.
"What is it?" Kanda asked impatiently.
"Allen is a lot more fragile than he seems," Komui began, "He absolutely cannot take a hit to the chest or any vital region because he will not heal and he will not stop bleeding. His body is in a delicate state of part machine and part human organs so if anything goes wrong, he will die."
"Che, don't you think I know that?" Kanda snapped. He didn't want to hear about Allen's condition, about Allen being frail. In his eyes, Allen fucking Walker was about one of the strongest people he had met and he didn't want to acknowledge that the Destroyer of Time had been reduced to being protected like a little porcelain doll. Allen was and is never fragile.
"Just keep him safe, Kanda," Komui conceded with another sigh.
Kanda left without a word. There was nothing to say.
Kanda stared at Allen with a gaze that was unreadable. The train ride had been silent and Kanda hated it. Usually, the two would dissolve into silence like this before Allen broke it with one of his idiotic comments. Then Kanda would snap at him and they would fight with scathing words and sometime fists. Kanda couldn't help but miss the fighting.
The annoying little beansprout was watching him, he could tell. It was like a hole was boring into his head by the sheer blankness in his stare. He tried to ignore it by staring at the passing green scenery but every few seconds, his hands would tap the arm rest impatiently. It. Was. Pissing. Him. Off.
"It's okay," Allen said in a soft voice. His words were barely audible and Kanda had to strain his ears to hear him. "You don't have to act like it's fine that I was turned into what I am." Kanda froze and glared daggers at Allen but blank silver eyes gazed levelly back at him.
"Shut up," Kanda hissed. He didn't want to hear this. He didn't want to believe it.
"I'm not your Allen, right?" he probed gently. "You don't want me, do you?"
"Shut up," Kanda shouted, "Shut the fuck up. You don't know the first thing about anything!"
"It's fine, you know," Allen commented quietly. "I still want to help you. It's okay if you need to cry."
He reached out and pulled Kanda into an embrace.
"I don't need to cry, you idiot," Kanda snapped but his eyes blurred slightly. He brought his hands up to push Allen away but feeling the boy's steady breathing against his body and the warm weight made him limply drop his hands to Allen's waist instead. "I don't need to fucking cry," Kanda repeated fiercely.
"Mn," Allen nodded in understanding against his neck and pulled Kanda's arms around him. He closed his eyes, rested his head on Kanda's shoulder. "I know, and the Allen you love knows too."
With these words, Kanda felt himself breaking down for the first time since Allen had died. He buried his face into the crook of Allen's neck and let the tears slip.
"Why the fuck did you have to leave me, you damned beansprout?" Kanda cried bitterly. And that too, felt good because he could feel a hint of Allen's tone and Allen's soul in that voice. It felt good to have Allen hold him so close as he finally allowed all the denial, all the frustration, everything pour out of him like a well. He had yearned for the boy's touch just as he had yearned for his love.
He cried, cried until he had nothing left, until he was fucking empty of everything else except Allen's acceptance and Allen's scent washing over him.
"As long as it's for you," Allen whispered. "I will be anything you want me to be."
Kanda knew that this was a lie. No, he would never be Allen but this was still someone with Allen's face who cared about him and loved him and that was enough.
When Kanda came out of the train, his face was set back in its stoic mask and no trace of his breakdown was seen. The only difference was that he had laced Allen's hand in his own and if anyone was watching closely, they would be able to see the peace that seemed to shine in the cobalt eyes and radiate from his being.
As soon as they got to the remote inn they were supposed to be residing in, they were attacked by akuma. As it turned out, the innkeeper and half of the residents were akuma in disguise.
"Shit," Kanda cursed, springing into action. He pulled out Mugen and activated his sword. Allen activated his innocence in response and joined Kanda in the battle.
Out of the corner of his eyes, Kanda could see that Allen was holding up well enough. With a sweep of Allen's sword, a few akuma exploded and Allen launched toward the next few. He saw an akuma sneaking behind Allen, cannons poised and charging. The boy didn't see the akuma yet and Kanda could see the bullets being shot.
No, no, no.
"Get out of the way!" Kanda shouted. He pushed Allen away and held his sword in front of him protectively but it was too late. The bullets went through his chest and exited just as fast, leaving a few gaping wounds in his abdomen.
Rain-colored eyes widened just a fraction when specks of crimson blood colored his face. A spark of an emotion he did not understand burned his chest.
He watched as Kanda's body fell next to him. Something in his mind screamed that this wasn't supposed to happen. Kanda wasn't supposed to die or get hurt. This was wrong, wrong, wrong.
A rage he didn't know possessed him and his body moved on its own, taking down all the akuma quickly with a ferocity that shocked himself. Carnage and broken machinations surrounded Allen as he breathed heavily, spent from the sudden killing urge that enveloped him. He turned to Kanda, whose breathing was becoming labored. The anger drained from him and he fell to the ground, next to Kanda.
"Kanda?" Allen rasped. "Kanda?" To his surprise, he felt that his voice had jumped an octave higher and it was cracking. No, no, no, something inside screamed at him.
Slowly he crawled to the older male's body and lifted Kanda's head in to his lap.
"Moyashi?" Kanda whispered hoarsely. He searched Allen's face with unfocused dark eyes.
Allen nodded fiercely, shocking himself with his broken words and how foreign yet familiar they felt tumbling out of his mouth, "Yes, it's me, Yu. It's me, your beansprout."
A smile that stirred Allen's chest bloomed on Kanda's rapidly paling face. Hot tears fell down Allen's surprised eyes. Trembling gloved fingers touched his face, feeling the salty wetness. He was... crying?
"Moy-Allen," Kanda continued. Allen sucked in a harsh shuddering breath.
No, no, NO! the voice inside him shrieked once again and this time it hurt enough that Allen clutched his chest with surprise.
"Y-Yes?" he managed to answer.
"Allen, I lo-," Kanda began but let out a strangled gasp as the life left him and with it, his last words. The light in his dark eyes dimmed.
"K-Kanda?" Allen quivered. He shook the body lying in his arms and watched as it moved limply like a doll. His chest twisted into knots when he realized that Kanda would not move anymore.
He felt something tear inside of him. It hurt him like a physical wound but Allen peered at his chest and could see no fault. He clutched his chest as the tearing began to grow. It hurt so much.
Allen screamed. He screamed until he had no voice left but he didn't know why. He cried bitterly but he didn't know why. His chest burned but he didn't know why. He didn't know… He didn't know…
Night had fallen and he had cried so much that he had no more tears left. He continued to stare at the peaceful, handsome face and the beautiful cobalt eyes. Vaguely, he wondered if Kanda's eyes had ever been that blue and such a deep blue at that.
His hands covered Kanda's blank sapphire eyes, shutting them, the eyes that now looked so much like his own.
"ALLEN!" Lavi shouted, emerald eye widening when the akuma blasted the bullet through Allen's chest, knocking the Innocence out of his body. Allen felt himself skid a few times on the ground before he knocked his head again something big and sharp. His head was bleeding but he didn't notice.
"Funny," Allen thought to himself. This was exactly how Kanda died. He found this strangely comforting and let himself smile.
Lavi scrambled over to Allen's side. He tilted the boy's head up and watched with unshielded horror as the silver eyes flickered with trickling life. Lavi couldn't wrap his mind around it. The attack was meant for him. He should have been the one in the white-haired boy's position.
"Why?" Lavi asked frantically. "You're not supposed to care about anyone! You're not supposed to take that attack for me!"
Silver eyes rolled to penetrate Lavi with a gaze he didn't think the android was capable of. As quickly as the look came though, it disappeared and Allen slid back into his blank stare.
"I wanted to know what came next," Allen murmured, tears seeping out of emotionless silver eyes.
"W-What?" Lavi asked, confused in his moment of panic.
"The words… I didn't get a chance… to hear…" Allen continued brokenly.
"Moy-Allen," Kanda continued. Allen sucked in a harsh shuddering breath.
No, no, NO! the voice inside him shrieked once again and this time it hurt enough that Allen clutched his chest with surprise.
"Y-Yes?" he managed to answer.
"Allen, I lo-," Kanda began but let out a strangled gasp as the life left him and with it, his last words. The light in his dark eyes dimmed.
"Allen!" Lavi sobbed. He wasn't supposed to cry. He was a Bookman for crying out loud! But, just this once, he wanted to cry. "Hang on! I can't lose you a second time!" Allen watched as Lavi scrambled for the Innocence and brought it back to him. "You have to live, Allen! Please! You're our only hope! Lenalee needs you. Komui needs you! I need you!"
Allen shook his head and laughed softly. He waved away the hand that was trying to force the Innocence back into his chest cavity. He knew that it wouldn't work again; he was truly going to die this time. As scary as the thought seemed, he couldn't muster up any fear. Instead he felt an upwelling of emotion as if his heart had escaped his chest and was now free.
As the breath slowly left his body, Allen couldn't feel any pain. He wondered vaguely if this was what it felt like to die. He couldn't remember what had happened to him last time but he was sure that it didn't feel as comforting as this.
"I'm sorry… Kanda," Allen whispered, just barely audible. Lavi's screams had faded into the background and all he could hear was the soft swirling noise of the wind. He closed his eyes and allowed a gentle smile to blossom as black settled in his vision and his soul was set free.
And at last, Allen Walker was allowed to rest.
A/N: So how was my first attempt at a long oneshot with some angst? Good? Bad? So sad that it brought you to tears?
Please review!