Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and I make no money
THE HEART'S SAKE
-FOURtwo-Nish
He wants her, he wanted to take her and hurt her back. He plagues his own mind with lies to stitch himself together. He knows it's lies, but for his heart's sake, let us say that it's true.
NOTE: The entire concept of this story is OOC. You have been warned. CONCEPT IS OUT OF CHARACTER. No complaining that it would never happen—Chazz would never—because I already know…But wouldn't it be interesting if it did happen though? It would go something like this…
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He just couldn't take it anymore. Every time he looked at her he was overwhelmed by the same series of agonizing slashes through his chest—severing his hear repeatedly yet somehow he still remained alive. First cut, she doesn't love me. Second cut, she knows I love her. Third cut, everyone knows I love her. Fourth cut, everyone knows that she refused me. Fifth cut, the way I declared my love was humiliating. Sixth cut, she'll never love me. Seventh…Eighth…Ninth…the invisible blade of his own thoughts never stopped slicing. Most of the time though, it cut because he loved her.
Chazz had tried to stop loving her after being cast away. He really tried…but the harder he tried the more she seemed to notice and, despite her stance on the issue, she became friendlier, talked to him more, came around him more often, and overall made herself that much harder to dislike. What was wrong with her? Was she capable of being that cruel on purpose? Chazz had to believe that she was—there was no other possible excuse for her actions…
As he lay in bed, thinking but not yet scheming, Chazz's mind turned red with the blood of his slain heart as a single thought wormed its way into his soul.
She didn't love him, she would never love him, but she loved the idea of him loving her—loved having him around, spilling out his unconditional affection despite his attempts to retain it. She loved being able to say that there was someone who loved her…
Chazz bet she gossiped about it with her friends.
"We all know Alexis has a secret admirer."
That would be Mindy—Chazz could hear her saying it.
"What do you mean?" Alexis would ask before answering the question herself. "You mean Chazz? Well that's hardly a secret, right? He's so open about it."
"I think it's kind of cute." That would be Jasmine, definitely. "I wish I had someone who cared about me that much."
"But it's sort of annoying—he follows me everywhere like a dog." Okay, maybe Alexis wouldn't say it like that, but she would say something close, Chazz just knew it. Something more sophisticated to make herself sound like a better person. Something like…not like a dog, but a puppy. Yeah, Alexis would say "puppy" instead…(And The Chazz does not follow her around!—but girls always exaggerate when they gossip.)
"Why not just tell him to go away? Maybe he thinks you're still interested!" Mindy again.
"Well that's the thing…"
"The thing?" In unison most likely.
"Well, I don't really want him to go away. He's not really hurting anything, and if I chase him away I might need him for something later and he won't come around."
"That's cold, Alexis," one of them would say. Chazz was too busy seething that he didn't know which. That was cold, but girls were allowed to be cold towards boys.
Alexis just wanted to use him…
The thought acted like a needle and thread and sewed the gashes in his heart inadequately closed. Groaning, Chazz rolled onto his side and buried his face in his elbow, not entirely sure if the idea was actually possible or if his aching soul made it seem that way as he tried to break himself free of his affection.
It had to be true…for his heart's sake it had to be true.
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She was going to come, she said she would. She said she was going to be here.
Chazz's heart beat madly in his chest—each thud stretching the weak seams that his anger had made. What was he thinking? He knew what he wanted to do, what the plan was, but what on earth was he thinking?
He'd given his note to her before class started first period—the note he'd written immediately after the fantasy (The plan! It was the plan! Not the fantasy—the plan!) he'd dreamed up upon awakening too early that morning had become irresistible. He had handed her the note in front of her friends…he didn't know why, but that was part of what he had come up with…something about making it so that no one would wonder where Alexis had gone…no one would come looking…the look that Alexis passed to those friends after receiving the envelope was confusing though, to say the least.
She'd looked sad. There wasn't even the attempting-to-be-hidden smirk as she glowered in his "unconditional" affection. She had looked hurt and her friends had looked sympathetically back at her.
What did that mean?
He knew what it meant, but it was detrimental to the plan. He had to stick to the plan!...for his heart's sake.
And then she was there, walking nervously towards the edge of the forest where he'd told her to go. It was dark out, curfew beginning in less than a quarter of an hour, but that was all according to plan. She'd come right on time…
She didn't keep him waiting…why would she do that if she was humored by his affection? If she enjoyed seeing how far she could push him? Wouldn't she have made him wait? Wouldn't she have stood him up?
The plan! Stick to the plan! These thoughts aren't part of the plan! It's too late to go back now! Too late! Stick to the plan!
"Chazz?" Alexis asked nervously. "Are you there?" She was the one afraid of being stood up? He moved away from the tree he was leaning on and crossed her path. "Oh! Hey," she said uncertainly. "Did you want to talk to me about something?" Her face looked pained, even in the moonlight he could see the creases on her brow. Why did she look hurt?
It was just a mask…had to be
"Yeah," Chazz replied suavely. "But I don't want to say it here incase someone else is listening." To add on to his lie, he shifted his gaze over her shoulder and stared intently at nothing. The concentration made Alexis turn and look and, although she saw nothing, she began to get the feeling that she was being watched.
"We don't have much time before we have to be in the dorms, Chazz," Alexis stated as Chazz moved towards the woods. "It's getting dark. I don't want to go too far—I don't have a flashlight." Despite her wary protests, Alexis followed closely after him. He didn't take her far, less than five yards in, but in the shadows and the mesh of trees, they were concealed.
"Don't worry," Chazz stated gruffly. "I won't let anyone…hurt you or anything." Why was he feeling so weak? Like he couldn't breathe? His heart was pounding, his hands were shaking as they rested stuffed in his pockets, and the stitches in his heart were becoming enflamed again. She was cutting him—oh, God, she was cutting into him again. Just being near her, just hearing her voice, smelling her—it left him helpless against what he truly felt which wasn't hate and vengeance, it was love. He loved her.
He loved her…
But there…was a… … plan… Even the thoughts came to him as the exhausted gasping of an exerted runner.
"Okay," Alexis said, surveying her surroundings. "I trust you, Chazz." It was just a common statement, said with only the slightest bit of seriousness—the tone of someone who was so certain that she was not going to be hurt, but still felt the need to fill the silence.
He had to turn his back to her, but she made no comment besides a soft sigh. She was killing him, she really, truly was, and she didn't even know it…She didn't even have the slightest clue…
There had been a plan! He was supposed to bring her out here and force her to love him back. Force her! Make her feel what he felt whether she wanted to or not. Make her suffer for what she was doing, make her hurt, make her cry out for mercy!
How could he go through with that kind of plan?...
"Chazz?" She was concerned…he could hear it—it was audible. She wasn't concerned for herself, she was worried about him. When he looked over his shoulder to see her, the very faint glow lighting her face, he could see her sadness. It was pinned to her like a scarlet letter. "Are you alright?" That tone sounded like surrender. She'd given in to whatever feelings she had for him—friendship, repressed love…whatever.
Chazz didn't care anymore. It hardly mattered.
"Stand still for a minute," Chazz said firmly. Alexis made a confused, quiet grunt, but held her ground as he turned to face her.
There had been a plan—he was supposed to ravage her and leave her hurting…but he just wasn't that kind of guy. He was supposed to hurt her…but instead he was the one hiding his pain.
"Chazz, I don't want to get caught out past—"
"Shh." Alexis obeyed, but mostly out of surprise. He kept moving closer to her when she expected him to stop—when she baked away, she found a tree in her path.
"What are you doing?" She asked, her eyes narrowing and her voice becoming cold. Still he approached. "Chazz!"
"I'm not going to hurt you," he said quietly, coming to a stop when the toe of his shoe caressed against hers. "Just hold still for a minute."
"Chazz!"
"Shh." Alexis made a noise as if preparing to scream as he leaned closer to her, but she withheld it so only a whimpering cry broke free from her. And then it died off when the attack she began to expect while she screamed internally at herself for being stupid enough to follow a boy into the woods alone at night ended with the warmth of his lips pressing against the corner of her mouth. She inhaled sharply and froze up, her body feeling a sort of stinging tenseness—she thought to panic, thought to scream, but nothing else happened that warranted fear.
It was Chazz after all. He wasn't dangerous.
His lips, which did not graze hers except for at the very corner, detached and then reattached higher on her cheek. Dry, he wasn't slobbering on her—that, at least, was welcome. Less welcome were the hands that grabbed her hips firmly and pulled her forward against him.
But that was the end of it. He didn't try to touch her or seize her clothes—he didn't try to kiss her lips or smash their bodies together. They just held her there and relished in her closeness.
His lips moved to her other cheek and she closed her eyes slowly, but not from bliss. She could feel his tension through his hands, through the rigidness of his shoulders and even through the softness of his kiss. He was in agony, and she knew it…and there was nothing she could do.
Chazz released a ragged groan, his hands slid away from her hips and encircled her torso, forcing her yet again closer, but she did not fight him. She couldn't hurt him anymore. It took all of her strength to tell Chazz the first time that she didn't feel the same way. She felt strongly, but it was hard to turn him away—it was hard to turn anyone away for anything. She didn't want to hurt people, and being held but not returning the affection was all she could do to let Chazz vent but not give false hope.
And then, with a teary-sounding inhale from Chazz as he pulled his face away from hers, the arms fell away and his head dropped. He backed away from her, giving her room to flee.
She hesitated. Alexis couldn't see his features, couldn't read his eyes through his mass of black hair, but she could see his pain. Part of her wanted to run, but he was her friend. She couldn't just leave him there, but she didn't know what to do. There was nothing she could say to him, he wasn't listening anymore. He had his head lowered the same way he had after being screamed at and disowned by his brothers—the same downtrodden, rejected, dying look, and she could tell by the way his shoulders trembled when he breathed that he was crying. He was fighting it, but he was crying.
She shifted her weight and moved a step forward, reached out with her hand, and seized the clenching and unclenching fist on Chazz's left side gently. She wormed her fingers to fit with his and squeezed his hand gently, very gently, before pulling her hand away and stepping to the side.
He glanced up at her, but she couldn't see his eyes. That was alright, he could see hers, and there was pain in her eyes that he was sad to have caused. He lowered his head again and she darted away—literally running away…didn't want to be late for curfew, right?
That was all Chazz could allow himself to think. He didn't want to think that she was running away from him—leaving him behind as she ran.
He couldn't think it, for his heart's sake, but he knew it to be true.
The threads sliced through the needle-holes and his heart fell back into the flayed and bleeding state that no amount of tears, false hatred, or rage could fix.
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Love, FOURtwo-nish