Deryn lifted her face to the sky, feeling alone. The tears on her face felt like ice in the wind, biting at her cheeks. She felt low. She felt angry. She felt...scared. Scared and alone more then anything. The way Alek at shouted at her...It was worse then anything she could have imagined. She shouldn't have kept her secret from him for so long, especially after the Lady Boffin and the Count had known.
She rested a hand over her left eye. The look of horror on his face, it was far more horrible then she thought. The pain in her chest turned into a wildfire, burning a hole through her. She gazed up at the full moon. She wavered on her feet, then flopped into a sitting position.
She had been such a ninny not to tell him before. Maybe, it might not have hurt so bad. Or, she could have been indifferent and not fallen for the Clanker boy at all.
"God," she moaned to herself. "Why could't I have been a boy?" For the thosandth time, the weight of her destiny crushed her. She was a girl. If anyone beside the Clankers or Dr. Barlow found out...well, there went her flying career. And after all that work! that just wouldn't be far. But, she almost wanted to stop pretending to be what she wasn't. She couldn't She owed Da that much. And Jaspert, he had helped her get in the service. She couldn't just throw all the things he had lied about for her away anytime she wanted.
She just couldn't win. The only time she could have told Alek her secret and he had killed half of her.
She heard soft steps behind her. She didn't bother turning around. Who cared anymore? Certainly not her.
"Deryn," came a quiet voice of Alek behind her. She froze for half a moment.
"What do you want?" she growled.
Silence.
"I-I'm sorry," came the soft voice. "for yelling at you like that."
Deryn hugged her knees close to her chest but remained silent. Alek crept close until he sat next to her.
"Really," he continued. "I was just mad. I mean, I shared all my secrets with you then..." His voice trailed off and he got a distant look in his eye.
"I'm sorry too," Deryn said quietly. "I should have told you earlier. I tried to, too. In Istanbul and on the Leviathan. But I... I just couldn't. I was too afraid."
"What would you have to be afraid of? Well, other then me yelling at you I suppose," said Alek, laughing humorlessly.
"Alek, I- I like you. A lot. And In Istanbul, in my mind I could always see you. Running away, horrified. I'm as common as dirt." Tears welled in her eyes and streaked down her face. Alek slowly and hesitantly put an arm around her shoulder.
"Deryn," he said soothingly, blushing furiously. "Your anything but common to me. As Bauer pointed out to me, what other girl would do this? Going through all the trouble just to do something you love? To me, that's as special as any noble girl."
Then came an awkward silence. Deryn's eyes were wide.
"Really?" she whispered. In response, Alek kissed her forehead and cradled her close to his chest. She could feel his heartbeat through his shirt. It was rhythmic and smooth, the sweetest lullaby she heard in years.
"I didn't know I loved you so much," she laughed weakly. Alek smiled gently.
"Me too."