A Lost Dream

Chapter 1 How Do I Live Without You

It was 12.43 a.m. and Meredith was supposed to end her evening shift at midnight. Walking down the hallway, she tried to find Owen Hunt so he could clear her patient. Meredith, by now tired and annoyed because she couldn't find the attending physician, poked her head in one of the examination rooms. She encountered a patient, lying on an exam table with an IV in one arm and a splint on the other. He looked up at Meredith, wide-eyed. "Are you my doctor?" he asked, slightly impatient. "I've been lying here for hours!" Meredith bit her bottom lip but quickly stepped back. "Excuse me Sir…someone will be right with you," she mumbled while she darted out of the room. She peeked into several rooms, still trying to find Hunt, who seemed to have vanished into thin air. In one of the rooms, Lexie was performing a lumbar puncture on a boy while his mother nervously watched. A nurse held the boy's legs in an awkward position while Lexie carefully maneuvered the spinal needle through the layers of tissue in search of the boy's precious fluids. "Good job Lexie," Meredith whispered softly while Lexie looked up and proudly nodded. "Have you seen Hunt?" Meredith tried but Lexie shook her head. Meredith sighed and was about to leave the room when she heard Izzie's voice. "I've seen him, Mere…he was heading for the basement."

"Thanks!" Meredith smiled while she turned and left the room in search of the attending physician. She navigated the narrow hallways and passed medicine and supply rooms when her pager suddenly flared to life…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep...

Meredith sighed but halted. She reached into her pocket and retrieved her pager; the digital read out: 911 emergency call, report to the ER…STAT! With a desperate moan, she turned and ran back to the emergency room…her shift was far from being over!

* * *

The Emergency room was bustling with activity, the stench of betadine lingering in the air. A lone man sat by a gurney, turned towards some lifeless figures lying on metal beds covered by green sheets. The man sat hunched over in his seat, mumbling over and over…"I didn't mean to…it was an accident…it was an accident!"

Meredith tore her eyes from the deceased patients and headed towards the pit. "I need suction over here!" Hunt yelled. A nurse dutifully complied while Owen was running all over the room. "Where the hell is everyone?" he hollered.

Meredith stepped inside and slipped into a yellow cover-up, putting on some surgical gloves. "I'm here…where do you want me?"

"Here…hold this!" Owen snapped.

Meredith's hands moved rapidly as she set to work. Still cross by Hunt's bluntness, she didn't seem to recognize the patient.

"I need Shepherd in here…where is he?" Hunt asked, a little calmer now. "Derek went home," Meredith said irritably, not taking her eyes off the tube she was inserting. "His shift ended hours ago…," she narrowed her eyes "…just like mine!"

Completing the tube, she'd been inserting, Meredith bent closer to take a good look at the patient. A wave of shock passed over her as she looked down and finally recognized the person on the gurney. "Oh…my…God," she brought out while her hands started trembling "…this…this is my sister…Molly!"

* * *

Meredith Grey closed her eyes as one awful memory after another besieged her. Today it was exactly two years ago since she'd lost nearly her entire family. Her dad, Molly and Molly's husband had been killed in an awful car crash. "Mommy…are you sad?" A small hand gently waved itself in front of Meredith's face as she found reality again. The flashback of images faded into the crevices of Meredith's memory as the young girl crawled onto her lap. Meredith, a little overwhelmed, simply nodded. She bent down to the little girl's short stature, gently hugging her. Planting a small kiss on her cheek, she met Laura's big eyes with her own. "I was…but now I'm not because you're here!"

Meredith glanced at her watch. "Oh shoot…I'm almost late for work! Laura go get your doll and meet me here!"

"OK…mommy!"

The little girl dashed out of the room while Meredith tenderly watched her. Laura was the only one who'd survived the terrible crash and Meredith had felt obligated to adopt her niece. Meredith closed her eyes and was once again lost in thoughts. Although Laura was her all, she'd also had lost a lot. She couldn't exactly pinpoint when she and Derek had started to drift apart but it had happened…and now she was alone…well not really alone…she had Laura!

"I'm ready to go mommy!"

Meredith opened her eyes and smiled. "OK…we're off!" Meredith grabbed Laura's little hand as they left the house for work.

* * *

The trauma alert went off in Boston medical Centre's emergency department and the triage nurse hurried to pick up the CB radio. "I have an eighteen-old-year female involved in a car crash," the paramedic informed the nurse. "She appears to have some head and neck injuries as well as chest and abdominal injuries! ETA four minutes!"

Meredith Grey, resident of BMC's surgical floor came down to the ER from her on-call room on the third floor just as the paramedics wheeled in the young victim. Although Meredith was in charge, there were few instructions she had to give because the standard procedure was in effect. Her team of interns made sure the young woman had an airway; they'd taken her vital signs, started an IV and drew blood samples. Then they'd taken preliminary X-rays of her neck, chest and pelvis.

"90 over 60, Doctor Grey," one of Meredith's interns announced. "Pulse 120. Hemoglobin 15!" Meredith nodded while she bent over the young woman. The blood count was normal but her blood pressure was lower than normal and her heart was running fast…too fast, which probably meant she was losing blood…the question was from where? Meredith thought to herself.

"Alright," Meredith said. "Do we know her name yet?"

One of the interns glanced at the paramedics' paperwork. "Kristin," she announced. "Kristin Keighly."

"Kristin?" Meredith softly said, speaking to the young girl. "Is that your name, sweetie?"

The young girl didn't answer. She just opened and closed her eyes.

Meredith smiled and nodded. "OK…Kristin, I'm Doctor Grey and this is doctor Kim and we're here to take care of you. You've been in a car accident and you're in a hospital. Do you understand?"

With the oxygen mask still covering her mouth, the answer came out sounding like a grunt but it was affirmative enough for Meredith to continue.

"I'm going to ask you some questions and give you a quick examination so we can determine your condition OK?"

Kristin groaned. Then, squirming a little, she murmured through the mask. "It hurts…it hurts so much."

"I know it hurts," Meredith said soothing, taking Kristin's hand. "And I like to make it better. But I can't give you anything just yet because if we give you any pain medication you might not be able to tell us where it hurts and we need you to tell us where it hurts so we can make it better!"

Meredith started examining the young girl's eyes. "Eyes are equal and reactive."

"Kristin…listen to me," Meredith said firmly but friendly. "I want you to take some deep breaths."

As Meredith listened with her stethoscope, a wave of pain appeared on Kristin's face every time she took a breath but her lungs appeared to be clear. "Breath sounds equal and present bilaterally," Meredith announced to her interns. Then she turned to Kristin. "Does it hurt when you breathe?"

Kristin nodded.

Meredith began to examine the chest. Kristin's skin felt warm and moist and Meredith noticed sweat building on the young girl's forehead. Meredith worked her way slowly but thoroughly across Kristin's chest, pressing gently on her rib cage, feeling for tender spots. All over sudden, Kristin screamed and Meredith quickly let up on the spot.

"OK," she said. "I'm sorry Sweetie! Tender left upper quadrant with possible crepitance of the left lower ribs," Meredith announced.

Just then, the X-ray technician came into the room. "Film's ready, doctor Grey."

Meredith smiled and took over the large envelope. "Thanks. Kristin…can you hear me?"

The girl opened her eyes and nodded.

"You're doing fine," Meredith said. "I have to step out for a minute but doctor Kim here is going to take good care of you while I take a look at what's going on inside of you. But I won't be long…promise!"

Meredith quickly glanced on Kristin's vital signs but her blood pressure and pulse were holding steady…then she quickly went to the other side of the room and put the X-rays up on the light box.

"No pneumothorax," Meredith mumbled softly but then she nodded. Rib fractures. Left ribs 9-11. That's why Kristin was having trouble breathing. Rib fractures were extremely painful and could turn grown men into babies.

Meredith went on, looking at Kristin's neck and pelvic X-rays but the C-spine was clear and pelvic looked normal.

"Doctor Grey?" Kim said, her voice more urgent than it had been. "Her blood pressure's falling. She's getting more tachycardic!"

Meredith turned around and looked at the monitors. Kristin was 80 systolic and her heart rate had went up to 170 while her hemoglobin had dropped to 12. Kim looked at Meredith, her face tense. They both were thinking the same thing.

"Do you want me to do a wash?" the intern asked.

Meredith nodded and Sara Kim asked a nurse for a peritoneal lavage tray. She made an incision in Kristin's belly button and then carefully pushed a narrow piece of plastic tubing into the hole she'd made while Meredith calmly monitored the procedure. Kim attached the tube to a syringe with saline solution and slowly squeezed the plunger on the syringe, gradually pushing the solution into Kristin's belly. When the syringe was almost empty, she carefully began to pull up on the plunger, aspirating the fluid back into the syringe. What came back was a deep red.

"Grossly bloody," Kim said and Meredith nodded. "OK…listen up. I think she's got a splenic rupture. Hang more fluids, cross her for six units and let's get her to the OR…stat!"

With Meredith's order, the whole team began to focus on transferring the girl to an OR.

"Kristin?" Meredith said to the girl, taking her hand. "You're doing good but we're going to take you upstairs so we can take a look at what's going on inside you…OK?"

Kristin's eyes were vacant, she looked at Meredith and then closed them.

"OK…let's go," Meredith announced. "Sara…you did a good job. Wanna scrub in?"

The intern shone with pride and quickly nodded. They took the gurney to the OR section while Meredith and her intern followed to scrub in.

* * *

Kristin's operation had went well and now Meredith headed towards her office. She showered quickly, tying her hair into a messy pony tail. She tossed her used scrubs into the hamper and changed. Soon she made her way to Boston's day-care Centre, located on the second floor.

Laura was hungry, tired and a little bit grouchy, adding to Meredith's guilt for being late.

"Come on, Laura."

"I'm tired." Laura hopped from one foot to the other.

"I'm too tired to carry you Laura…you're almost four and a big girl. Up you get!"

Laura began whining, her limbs limp as Meredith tried to pull her to her feet.

"Laura Jennifer Grey, get up…now!" Meredith made another attempt to pull Laura to her feet but the child's hands slipped through her own hands like wet noodles. Meredith moaned. God, she hated when Laura was like this.

Sandra, one of the caregivers intervened, giving Meredith a knowing smile and addressing Laura. "Up you go Laura. It's time for all of us to go home."

Laura looked up and then complied. Meredith felt a sting of guilt. It was bad enough that she was late, but even worse was that Laura responded better to the staff than to her mom.

Meredith sighed and than swallowed hard, taking Laura's hand. The last, few months had been particularly hard. She'd been stuck working late more than once and things at home with Laura had been really tense.

* * *

"Congratulations, doctor Grey…you've once again passed your exams! Two more years on your residency and you're a certified surgeon…and an excellent one, if I may add!" The Chief shook Meredith's extended hand and than proceeded to the next resident. Meredith's interns ran up to her and kissed her on both cheeks, congratulating and hugging her.

The party was winding down when the Chief approached Meredith. He sat down next to her and together they watched the dancing crowd.

"Will you be staying in Boston after your residency, Meredith? You know I would love to keep you here…you're an excellent surgeon!"

Meredith shrugged and looked at her drink. There were little flakes of confetti inside her tequila glass and she put it down with a thud. Her face started to flush a little and suddenly she looked very tired. "I don't know Sir."

"You don't know?"

"I'm thinking about moving back to Seattle…mostly for Laura and my sister Lexie but…," Meredith went silent and stared straight ahead.

"Bad memories?"

Meredith nodded. "Some…but not all of them!"

"You should do what your heart tells you to do." The Chief lifted his glass a few inches and when he noticed, it was empty, he set it down again.

Meredith turned to the Chief and softly said. "Are you married Sir?"

The Chief shook his head. "I used to be."

"What was it like?"

The Chief leaned away from the bar a little and looked sideways at Meredith. "It was nice."

"That's it…just nice?"

The Chief smiled and than shrugged.

"How old are you Meredith?"

"I'm almost thirty-one…Sir."

The Chief frowned and then caught the bar man's eye. He nodded and the bartender took his glass away and came back with new ones…one for him and one for Meredith.

The Chief glanced at Meredith and smiled. "How about you Meredith…have you never been close to marriage?" He saw that he'd stunned her. His face softened and he looked down at his hands. Meredith was sweet in her way. She was one of the best residents he'd ever had but sometimes she was so hard to read.

Meredith looked down on her knuckles and became quiet for a moment. "…there has been a man…!" Meredith said the words slowly.

The Chief drained his drink and it made him clear his throat. "There was? Do tell…Oh…I'm sorry Meredith…I'm being too…,"

Meredith waved her hand and her nostrils flared a little. "No…it's OK, Sir." Meredith slowly turned on her bar stool and told the Chief everything about Derek Shepherd…how she'd met him…and how they eventually broke up after that terrible accident.

* * *

In the morning mail, Meredith found a colorful birthday card, addressed to Laura. It lay between her electric bill and a flyer from a nearby mall. She carried the mail to the kitchen and switched on the lamp that cast a circle of light on the table. A smile crept to her lips as she read the card:

"Happy Birthday Laura…lot's of kisses from aunt Lexie. Miss you so much. Hugs and kisses!" Meredith laid the card in the warm circle of light on the table and telephoned her sister who lived across the country.

Marc Sloane, Lexie's husband answered the phone. "Hi Meredith…how are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks Marc…is Lexie home?"

"MEREDITH? Is everything alright?" Lexie's voice was a tone or two above ordinary conversation.

"Hi…sis. Yes, fine. Yeah…Laura's fine too. I just wanted to thank you for her Birthday card!"

"Did she like it?"

Meredith smiled. "She's still in bed…I'll show it to her later. I bet she'll love it, especially those puppies!"

"Ahhh…I wish I could see her face," Lexie's voice came out as a whisper and Meredith knew, Lexie was moved.

"I miss you and Laura so much," a strangled sob sounded through the phone and Meredith had to swallow hard. "I miss you too, Lex…," she replied softly.

"Promise me, you'll come soon!" Meredith heard Lexie say over the phone.

"I promise…really."

"I've have to go Lexie…I hear Laura…Bye."

"Bye…and kiss Laura from me!"

"I will!"

Meredith hung up the phone and studied the card for a second time. A small smile curled her lips as she stood to get Laura from her room. It was time to celebrate Laura's fourth birthday!

* * *

Meredith stood in front of the Richard's secretary fumbling through her pockets for her ID card.

"Hello. Doctor Grey isn't it?"

Meredith nodded.

"My name's Heather…I'm Patricia's replacement. We've spoken on the phone…earlier. Chief Webber is expecting you!" Meredith smiled and shoved the card back into her pocket while Heather rose from behind her desk. She opened the door to Richard's office and made an inviting wave. Meredith took in a deep breath and stepped inside.

"MEREDITH…finally!"

The Chief stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Meredith to make sure she was real.

"Hello Sir!"

"I've missed you!" Richard said while he held her at arm's length to take a good look at her.

"I've missed you too," Meredith said shyly.

"Where's that beautiful daughter of yours?" Richard asked while he stepped back behind his desk and Meredith sat down in front of him. Meredith smiled. "She's tired from the flight…I left her with George!"

Richard nodded. "Does Lexie know you were coming?"

Meredith shook her head. "Nope…I wanted to surprise her…but I heard she's in surgery." Richard nodded and his face turned serious. "She's an excellent resident Meredith…and she has a real feel for neurology. She's assisting Derek…as we speak!"

Meredith swallowed awkwardly at the sound of Derek's name but then she smiled. "I always knew, Lexie would do good. Is it OK if I wait in the locker room?"

Richard nodded and smiled friendly. "Sure, do you want me to take you there?"

Meredith giggled and rose from her chair. "It's OK Sir…I still know my way around here….it's not that long ago!"

Meredith circled around Richard's desk and softly kissed his cheek. "It's real good to see you Sir!" Richard touched his cheek and watched Meredith while she left his office. "Same here Meredith…same here!"

Meredith stood in front of the surgical board and read that Derek's surgery took place in OR 4. She bit her bottom lip, reminiscing about watching the surgery from the gallery but that would spoil Lexie's surprise, instead she turned and headed for the resident locker room.

Meredith stood in front of Lexie's locker and let her fingers glide over her and Laura's photo. The picture of the two of them was taped to Lexie's locker for everybody to see. Meredith smiled, Lexie had truly missed them.

"Meredith?"

She would have recognized his voice everywhere. She slowly turned and smiled. "Hi, Derek."

Meredith's hair, once wispy with curls when she wore it down…and she had worn it down a lot, was now pulled up, showing off her fragile neck and shoulders. Derek stood nailed to the floor. Meredith was still slender but not under weight and her eyes, the color of emeralds, were still the same. She was wearing a classic blue jeans with a white shirt and high-heeled boots. Derek slowly shook his head while he stepped forward.

"I'm here to visit Lexie…I have the next two weeks off…," Meredith's voice trailed off as Derek pulled her close. Meredith felt blood rush into her cheeks and she lowered her eyes shy fully as Derek placed his fingers underneath her chin forcing her to look into his eyes…those deep blue eyes.

"It's good to see you…welcome back," Derek said softly. Meredith could smell mint on his breath and it was a bitter sweet smell that almost weakened her knees. Derek leaned in even closer and Meredith partially wanted to run at this point, but she was drawn to stay. She felt his lips lightly brush her cheek. Warm. Soft. Wet…and definitely familiar. Meredith pulled away while he kept staring into her eyes, which she lowered shyly. All she could hear was the synchronized breathing between the two of them and the beating of her heart in her chest…thump…thump…thump.

"NOOOO….MEREDITH…YOU'RE HERE…FINALLY!"